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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:

NutElla5x · 24/01/2019 12:05

Since when did telling someone not to be obtuse become a mumsnet crime?

EveSaidWhat · 24/01/2019 12:10

'Jesus Christ. A smear test is different to sex. Dragon, get help.'

Of course it's different .

The point is simple explanations will always cover it.

There's no need to have kids present for medical tests. Still think it's odd a 12yr old asking to go to the Drs.

EveSaidWhat · 24/01/2019 12:14

'I'm not sure making a family event of it and then going behind the screen with the nurse for 10 minutes is the best way to demystify something and make it seem like no big deal'

Grandad's going for a rectal examination next week, I might see if anyone fancies going along. It's no big deal and will demystify it for any curious DC.

BlancheM · 24/01/2019 12:21

What an elaborate way to slag off DP's ex wife 😂
Might as well've said 'DP's ex has her own reasons for not wanting a smear but I'm so cool with it that my kid even wants to come and watch, no biggie, aren't I the better woman?'

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 24/01/2019 12:21

A rectal examination is slightly different though, don't you think? Not that it would bother me either way, again, it's just an arsehole and we all have them.

The issue is that girls and women aren't having smear tests because they're embarrassed. It's "taboo". People are dying. Women are shamed for their vaginas. And many, many other issues. Anything that can help girls be confident about their bodies and realise that the process needs to be done, is normal and isn't as horrific as imagined, is a good thing.

Gigglebrain · 24/01/2019 12:22

So much overthinking on this thread. I don't see the problem, it's only a smear, and a good way to show it in a positive light to your dd.
As for your dp, it's not his fanny is it!

FridgeFullOfChocolate · 24/01/2019 12:23

My mum went for her mammogram last week, I’m really annoyed she didn’t invite me along as I’m going to need to go for one in 15 years time (if they still do them).

Purplejay · 24/01/2019 12:24

I wouldn’t. Smear tests for me used to be a breeze but then became uncomfortable and difficult. Of course I go but I wouldn’t want an audience. Also the speculum woukd be a bit intimidating to a pre teen I would have thought. I wouldn’t want to put her off! Go, come back, be fine and open about it but no need for anymore than that at 12.

Sparklingbrook · 24/01/2019 12:25

The DD will go back to school and tell all of her friends she's been to a real life smear test!
When asked what it was like she will have nothing to say.

EveSaidWhat · 24/01/2019 12:27

'A rectal examination is slightly different though, don't you think? Not that it would bother me either way, again, it's just an arsehole and we all have them'

Well yes it's a different orifice but it's the same regarding embarrasment and 'demystifying'. It was an example. People are dying of all kinds of things because they are too embarrassed to go to the Drs.

Again, the point is simple explanations and reassurance are all that needed. Attending with the patient is not.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/01/2019 12:28

So much overthinking on this thread.

And yet here you are, commenting on he thread.

Monst3ra · 24/01/2019 12:30

I don't think this is unreasonable, if she wants to go and you're comfortable with her being there then why not?

WillowPeach · 24/01/2019 12:32

I wouldn’t. She’s 12, the last thing you want is for her to start being paranoid and scared that she may have it and she’ll not be offered a smear until she’s 25. By all means, nag her like mad when that time comes but I’d leave it out whilst she’s so young.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 12:42

Jesus Christ. A smear test is different to sex. Dragon, get help.

I'm not suggesting they are the same thing fgs. I'm just pointing out that 12 year olds are used to being told that they can't see or do something until they are older without them assuming it is some scary, mysterious event.You can just give a simple explanation about what is going on and then if necessary (it may very well not be) they can witness a smear in the future.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 12:45

The issue is that girls and women aren't having smear tests because they're embarrassed. It's "taboo".

There isn't an issue of girls not having smear tests as they don't have them!! It is something only women over the age of 25 have at the moment and may not have in the future.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 24/01/2019 12:51

Er, actually, some girls do need vaginal examinations or swabs. They aren't limited to the over 25s.

Sammy867 · 24/01/2019 13:02

I would be fine with it; I’m assuming she’d be up at the top. it’s a few minutes with a sheet up and then it’s over.
I was so scared the first time I went as I was alone, had never had any sort of examinations down there nor had a child before. I didn’t have a clue what to expect, what to do or say and was embarrassed by this.
Had I been to one before to know the “procedure” I think I would have been a lot calmer and although I do go regularly for mine I know that the fear of the unknown puts a lot of women off going.

CreativeMumma · 24/01/2019 13:05

if she has asked i would completely let her come. if you wanted to look at the business end i would let her, I would talk about how it feels and let her ask the dr questions. What an amazing learning experience it could be. So many women don't do it because they are scared, we need to normalise it, talk about it and understand the process so when our children are adults its not a big deal.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 13:06

Er, actually, some girls do need vaginal examinations or swabs. They aren't limited to the over 25s.

We are talking about smears which are limited to over 25s. If you are talking about other procedures, I really don't think witnessing them would necessarily make people less scared to have them. I have witnessed many medical procudures as part of my job and I can certainly say that with some, witnessing them does not make them less scary. If anything the opposite is true.

SuchAToDo · 24/01/2019 13:25

Op if you are happy for her to be there and she wants to be there and the dr/nurse doing your smear test has no issue with dd being present...then you should allow it..

Too many women avoid smear tests because of fearing that they will be uncomfortable and painful and they build it up in their mind to being more than it is...

If she sees you have it done, then she will know what to expect when she is old enough to have it done herself and she won't feel as afraid because she will have seen what the test actually is...

I say go for it op👍😀

livelyredjellybean · 24/01/2019 13:37

My 2 year old sat on my chest for my last smear. I absolutely want her to grow up feeling it’s a totally normal thing to do! (And yes she has also sat on my lap at the dentist etc.) Seeing as she’s asked to go, definitely let her!

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 24/01/2019 13:41

A smear test isn't "another procedure", it's a vaginal swab.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 24/01/2019 13:52

@WetWipesGoInTheBin

Your DD has asked so take her if you don't have difficult smears. It is important to normalise taking care of yourself and showing screening is no big deal. I still remember stuff I was shown and told as a child by my adult female family members and adult female family friends hence I don't have the body hang ups loads of posters on this forum have

I agree, Wetwipes, it's important to present routine heath care as something completely normal and not something to worry about. That's how diseases are caught in the early stages and potentially cured more easily. Some abnormal cells were found in a friend's routine smear 15 years ago. As it was at such an early stage, she went in for surgery and has been cancer-free since.

That convinced me to have annual checks - although I don't think they do the full smear annually now, I think it's every 2-3 years? I still have an examination though.

wombatsears · 24/01/2019 14:00

I think it’s a great idea, OP. May well do the same.

KellyanneConway · 24/01/2019 14:06

Deary me some of the responses here are strange, no wonder smear test uptake is low. Op's DD has asked if she can come along to a health screening appointment that is important for cancer prevention, not a clitoris piercing or to watch designer fanny surgery. I think it would be off putting for her to see the procedure itself, but to experience that it's a quick, business like and formal process can only be helpful, surely? I think the HCP carrying out the procedure will see her being there as positive.

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