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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:

AntiBi · 24/01/2019 10:57

She s just had her hpv jab at school. If she's interested and you are happy with it let her attend. Smear tests should not be shrouded in secrecy. She's got a healthy curiosity.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 10:57

She probably wants to know that it doesn't hurt as most girls are concerned about that.

How would she know that it doesn't hurt if she is behind the curtain?! Do you think that if she doesn't hear her mother scream that she will assume it is painless?

howabout · 24/01/2019 11:01

For lots of people smear tests actually do hurt. I don't tell my DC dental treatment and injections are painless. I won't be telling my DDs smear tests and childbirth are painless either.

Sparklingbrook · 24/01/2019 11:01

I have never screamed but my facial expressions would give away my discomfort!

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 11:02

Because the child will be reading all sorts into why she is not allowed,when there is absolutely no reason at all.

If she is told that she can go when she is older she will just read that it is not something for 12 year olds to watch. Considering that she stayed behind the curtain she got that message anyway. Anyway, considering that she won't need a smear until she is 25, if ever and that she will have had plenty of opportunities to witness as an adult especially if she is a nurse does it really matter what she reads into it when she is 12. What matters is what she thinks at 25.

Brainfogmcfogface · 24/01/2019 11:03

I really don’t understand the issue. My DD has been to mine, sat in a chair next to me. I want to notmalise it for her. I refused mine until I’d had a baby as I had a fear for some reason, but decided to woman up after an awful birth and get them regularly, I don’t want my DD to have any hang ups. It takes 3 minutes and it’s no big deal. People on here who have the hang ups about it are weird!

MinecraftHolmes · 24/01/2019 11:10

Side note but it’s 21 in Scotland. I’m 29 and have had 3 smears to date.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 11:12

Unless your DD was actually viewing what went on (I’m not talking head in cervix) then was it not just a bit of virtue signalling ‘look how sensible and cool I am showing my DD I have a smear test, oh but don’t actually see what goes on at a smear DD, we don’t actually want to go that far’

I agree. The DD didn't see anything, will have no idea of what went on and unless OP usually screams in agony at the slightest thing won't have the impression that it is pain free either. Added to the fact that she won't even need a smear for 13 years if ever (they may well stop doing them in the future) the whole thing was nothing other than a bit of virtue signalling.

NutElla5x · 24/01/2019 11:16

But she will want to know why it isn't something for 12 year olds to watch. And if she's taught to be fearful of a simple procedure at 12 it is quite likely that she will still have that fear at 25.

howabout · 24/01/2019 11:16

The age for first smear tests changed to 25 in Scotland in 2016.

NutElla5x · 24/01/2019 11:17

^ @Dungeondragon15

hatethinkingofusernames · 24/01/2019 11:19

I thinks it's a good idea. So many people are afraid of smears if she can see first hand it's quick and easy that's only a good thing.

Stoppedat1 · 24/01/2019 11:20

I was terrified at my first smear test. Wish I had gone with someone so I knew how quick and (relatively) painless it is. I don't see what the big deal is if you and her are ok with it

MinecraftHolmes · 24/01/2019 11:21

Ah! Thanks howabout. I wonder if that was related to the introduction of the HPV vaccinations at school. Off to google.

howabout · 24/01/2019 11:22

I'm not sure making a family event of it and then going behind the screen with the nurse for 10 minutes is the best way to demystify something and make it seem like no big deal.

BottleOfJameson · 24/01/2019 11:24

I certainly wouldn't want her to see if she doesn't want to but if she's curious and you're comfortable there's no issue.

Raspberry10 · 24/01/2019 11:25

I’d be fine with it, as you say she’s going to be at your end. Takes the mystery out of it, and she learns that an important healthcare test only takes a couple of minutes. People have kids at the birth of their siblings all the time.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 11:28

But she will want to know why it isn't something for 12 year olds to watch. And if she's taught to be fearful of a simple procedure at 12 it is quite likely that she will still have that fear at 25.

How on earth will not being able to watch a smear at the age of 12 teach her to be "fearful" of the procedure. 12 year olds aren't allowed to do loads of things that they can do at 16 or older. Do you think they she will be afraid of sex at 25 because she wasn't allowed watch someone do it at 12. She won't even need to have a smear until she is 25 if ever so there will be plenty of time to watch the procedure when she is older if she really wants to.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 11:33

It's hilarious that people think that standing behind the curtain for 10 and not actually seeing a procedure happen will "demystify" it. It will be "demystified" when she becomes a nurse although having seen plenty of procedures myself I am not sure that it will make her happier to have one.

PanamaPattie · 24/01/2019 11:33

Did your DD listen to all the process? Discussing your previous results, confirming informed consent etc?

NutElla5x · 24/01/2019 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 24/01/2019 11:49

Jesus Christ. A smear test is different to sex. Dragon, get help.

NutElla5x · 24/01/2019 12:02

Jesus Christ. A smear test is different to sex. Dragon, get help.

Thank you!

Sparklingbrook · 24/01/2019 12:03

'What made you want to be a nurse?'is a question you often hear asked of them.
I look forward in the future to hearing 'I went with my Mum to her smear test aged 12 and I just knew!'.

TotHappy · 24/01/2019 12:04

This is fascinating, those who think it's obviously a big deal and those who think it's obviously not. I wonder why? Really interested in how polarising this is and how it seems to be just an instinct either way.

I'm in the second camp btw. I don't even get why so many are saying 'its fine - not the business end obviously!' that's not obvious to me, I'd be fine with it.

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