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Original poster

To break up with my best friend

310 replies

slippersandtoast · 22/01/2019 11:03

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

OP posts:
Original poster
slippersandtoast · 22/01/2019 17:56

School call me when she doesn't pick up.

OP posts:
ILoveChristmasLights · 22/01/2019 18:13

FMD. You’re not selfish or a bitch, you’re an absolute super star 💐 A saint to put up with her acting like that.

I know you said she’s ‘primary’ but how old exactly?

Isn’t this the key to getting it sorted?

And when I've rang in the past with my concerns, they ask me to take DD into my care until things are sorted

Can’t you tell them you want it done legally, not just unofficially?

I think everyone involved would be FAR better off if you fostered DD. Adopted would be better (because of the red tape around a filtered child), but I’m not sure you could get her to agree.

Original poster
slippersandtoast · 22/01/2019 18:16

Wouldn't she have to agree to fostering?

OP posts:
ILoveChristmasLights · 22/01/2019 18:19

It’s all very well people saying to just say ‘No’ or distance yourself, but it’s not that easy when you love the child like your own. It’s like divorcing your DH and letting him have the kids 100% of the time and knowing that they’ll be neglected. If you love the child you can’t just just walk away. With divorce you have the support of the courts for shared care...the OP doesn’t have that. When you have loved and cared for a child like your own, just walking away isn’t an option.

Original poster
slippersandtoast · 22/01/2019 18:20

Very true.

OP posts:
Motoko · 22/01/2019 18:22

No, if SS deem that her daughter is being neglected, they can take the child away and put her into a foster home. It's up to you if you want to offer to do that, but it needs to be done officially.

You keep mentioning that you can't afford to pay for her loan, but if you weren't paying for all the other things you do (food for both, gas/electric? etc), would you be able to pay it then?

But, whatever you do, you MUST tell SS the whole truth, or you are being complicit in this child's neglect. Think on that.

ILoveChristmasLights · 22/01/2019 18:28

I don’t think it would be easy, but I think it would be possible. They would need to make her see that it’s the only option if she doesn’t want DD taken into care (by a stranger). The older DD is, the easier it will be because her opinion would be taken into account. IF DD would choose to live with you and have contact with her mum then it would help.

It’s only going to get harder as DD gets older if you don’t have any authority over her. You’ll have to sit by and watch her Mum neglect her and probably allow her a lot more ‘freedom’ than you would and not give her guidance etc.

You’re in a dreadful position. I hope SS will help you get DD under your wing legally. She needs a stable home where she’s looked after better than her mum is able to offer.

I don’t blame the Mum, she sounds like her MH issues need a lot more addressing, but the first priority has to be DD.

Cattus · 22/01/2019 18:33

Agree. Contact SS. Explain what’s been happening. You can’t keep carrying her. You need your life back.

Isleepinahedgefund · 22/01/2019 18:49

You will have to cut her offs and let her get in a complete pickle and then report to SS. All the time you are enabling the situation, you are stuck with it.

It’s a very hard one OP, I know from experience of a similar situation that it isn’t easy. I wasn’t anywhere near as entrenched as you are, but it was so hard to let go of.

You will lose the friendship, that’s for certain. I think the best choice would be to lose the friend and keep the child.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/01/2019 18:51

with school calling you, tell them that you are not her contact, and take your name off, and tell her that you will. YOu need to start growing a pair and get rid of this user.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2019 20:02

School call me when she doesn’t pick up

Ok organise to be out of town one day. Just tell your ‘friend’ you can’t do it and ignore her calls.

And lovely as you are, I do agree with a pp, you are complicit in the little girls neglect as you’re hiding what is going on in her home behind closed doors. In fact you don’t even know what is actually going on. If she can treat a grown woman like this, how is she treating her child? You may find she is being very cruel.

BlueJag · 22/01/2019 20:09

@slippersandtoast why don't you ask her if you can keep dd with you full time to make it easier for her?
You may be surprised. She may just say yes.

FarAwayFromTheMidnightAir · 22/01/2019 20:10

The school should really be reporting that to SS. If mum isn't around or contactable frequently at pick up time, and has SS involvement, surely they should?

Feel for the little girl. Thank god she has you.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/01/2019 20:29

She's using you as an unpaid skivvy, at the same time accusing you of selfishness and controlling behaviour? Time to nix this, OP. Who needs friends like this? (And FWIW, this sounds very like projection to me). It also sounds as though you're both a little co-dependent, which doesn't sound healthy for either of you.

As she is the one with most to lose (and based on the traits you've outlined above) I predict you can expect a tantrum of Vesuvius proportions, but you're not obliged in any way to humour this. I'd simply tell her this isn't working for you anymore and you need space for the sake of your own mental health, and block her from all angles. She's sucking you dry, and it doesn't sound as though there is much in this 'friendship' for you.

The CF'ery of some people never fails to astound me.

JohnCRaven · 22/01/2019 20:43

This IS neglect OP. You are complicit. Look into fostering the little girl.

squeakyreptile · 22/01/2019 20:58

This is not a friendship.... in fact, until I read to the end, I thought it was maybe a tongue in cheek post about your own child. She is treating you as a mother, a therapist and/or a slave.

You never agreed to provide this service to her, and you owe this to nobody.

A clean cut may be the easiest way for everyone.

Be kind to yourself, and your own children- that is your priority.

Fairenuff · 22/01/2019 21:09

The school should really be reporting that to SS. If mum isn't around or contactable frequently at pick up time, and has SS involvement, surely they should?

Unless OP has agreed to be second contact for the child which I suspect she has.

Original poster
slippersandtoast · 22/01/2019 22:21

Yes I have. Because I am the person that actually mostly collects him.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/01/2019 23:51

School call me when she doesn't pick up.

Then you already have lots of contact with school. Please, please go to the safeguarding lead to discuss this.

Also second the option of offering to have the child full time "to make it easier for her" and then seeing where this leads - to a formal arrangement in the future with her agreement, for instance.

Someone who talks to you like she does cannot possibly be a good parent to a small child.

justilou1 · 23/01/2019 07:02

You ended up picking up the kid, didn't you?

Original poster
slippersandtoast · 23/01/2019 07:36

No. She called me to check I was really out whilst telling me she wouldn't make it. I stayed out.

OP posts:
Original poster
slippersandtoast · 23/01/2019 07:53

A lot changed in my thinking yesterday.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 23/01/2019 08:00

Good! What's happening now? I hope you have made plans to get an agreement drawn up re: the money owed, and are getting SS to take her behaviour seriously for her child's sake. Poor kid must be so confused as to her role in his life. And yours. You too.

Original poster
slippersandtoast · 23/01/2019 08:17

She's denied owing me any money.

OP posts:
Pickled0nion · 23/01/2019 08:37

You must have had your reasons for getting so involved in her life.

This. You shift from being Rescuer to Victim to Persecuter.

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