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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pay for a holiday for kids that aren't mine

172 replies

BlueSuedeStiletto · 21/01/2019 23:26

Booking a family holiday to a villa.

Me (childfree)
My mum
My sister
My brother in law
My niece (2yo)
My sister's best mate
Her daughter (3yo)
A family friend (childfree)

When we talked about the holiday we said we'd split the costs of the 2 kids. I thought that meant the villa as the kids will be in with the parents and therefore it makes not difference whether they are there or not. I assumed the parents of the 2 kids would pay for the flights as they will have their own seats.

Apparently everyone else thought we were splitting the whole cost ans splitting the kids between the 6 adults. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Obviously I'm not a parent but if I was I'd fully expect to pay for my child on holiday.

To defend myself a bit, my niece is my only sister's only child and I dote on her. I do shift work so I look after her at least once a week. I love her. I'm just not sure I should have to pay for her (and my sister's best mate's daughter) to go on holiday.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Bernadetteloves · 24/01/2019 11:42

Yes, if they have a massive room with a balcony and you don't then they should definitely pay more for their room. There is definitely no doubt that everyone should pay for their own flights.

Ellyess · 24/01/2019 11:56

Fusioluxe. You reminded me on your 'split the bill' ref. (Perhaps not relevant? - but just to say:)
I don't drink alcohol. Not so long ago on a camping holiday a group of people all organised we had lunch at a local. They had pre-food drinks at the bar, and bottles of wine at the table and more spirits with pudding. I had my usual, a bottle of Spring Water, which several of them purloined. Bill comes. About 4/5 is on alcohol. I refuse to pay for their alcohol. I pay for the bottle of water only. Very nasty atmosphere. None the less, I stick to my guns. I hardly knew some of them anyway.
Similarly on a coach holiday in Norway, sitting at Dinner table, guests next to me from our Coach Party suddenly say "Do share with our bottle of wine won't you?" I said "Thanks but I don't drink." "Really? Not even on holiday? You're not driving." Great pressure to imbibe. I do not join in. I realised that they had just learned the price of their bottle of wine. Very expensive in Norway.
Moral: Pay for yourself and do not be bullied to pay for others. That is their responsibility. It doesn't matter if they don't like you. They are not true friends anyway if they just want to use you for your money.

Ellyess · 24/01/2019 11:59

Fusioluxe.. I didn't mean your ref to split the bill wasn't relevant!! Sorry it sounds like that! I meant maybe my anecdote about not splitting the alcohol part of the food bill when I don't drink may not be relevant, but I was just using it as an example of when I refused to pay for other people's huge expenses.

Yinv · 24/01/2019 12:04

I’d be fucking embarrassed if my mum made one of my siblings pay for one of my kids!

Ellyess · 24/01/2019 12:09

petitdonkey. You are a decent, good person. That is what all good people should do. Maybe OP could quote you! i.e. the villa cost is worked out on a pp basis and paid accordingly!!.
So,BlueSuedeStiletto If you start asking for a per person division of payment for everything not just flights, they might at least agree to pay for their own children's flights!!

Ellyess · 24/01/2019 12:12

Yinv. Yes! And very hurt. What kind of mother is she? Obviously favours the daughter with the grandchild. Talk about creating a person who feels entitled! Not to say another who feels second-best and put-upon!

Ellyess · 24/01/2019 12:25

Notcontent
I think some people lose all common sense when it comes to splitting costs.
Exactly.
Money is the cause of many rows. I prefer to be independent. It seems a bit stand-offish, but it keeps everything fair. I even write down what my food costs as I choose it from the menu! I am on my own now and used to go on camping holidays where a group of us camped independently but met up for a meal from time to time. It turned into mayhem, so I make it clear I pay for myself for what I have and don't split the bill or the tip. I've had some very horrible experiences where I was left paying for other people's indulgences, and don't want to be in that position again!

woollyheart · 24/01/2019 12:52

Tell sister to toddle off and book package holidays on her own in future. She will find that the cost of individual flights does feature. Unless you are chartering a private plane...

summerstorm · 24/01/2019 12:55

If as you say, this stemmed from your mum (who earns more than the rest of you) maybe she might like to pay for the children’s flights

Xenia · 24/01/2019 13:01

I think they should pay for their own children's flights. It can depend on who has more money sometimes in families too but I would always try to be fair to everyone. I often pay for 8 people 100% actually so may be your mother should just pay for everyone if she is better off! Tell her some mothers do that.

woollyheart · 24/01/2019 13:18

Your mum can be generous with her own money. Your sister and her friend were probably delighted that you mum said everyone else would subsidise them.

If you enjoy holidays with them, it is important to set a fair precedent for the future. Best to have a small upset now than years of seething because you are expected to subsidise your sister and her friends forevermore.

HeebieJeebies456 · 24/01/2019 13:21

The text from my sister said "if it was booked as a package we wouldn't even be having this conversation"
I'd text back and say "Well if you were adult enough to make the booking yourself and/or didn't feel so entitled ^we wouldn't be having this conversation"!
She can always look for a cheaper deal if she can find one.

Plus they have a massive room with a balcony and en suite. I have a single room
I think you should be very clear with them - that you're already subsidising accommodation for the kids - and also the ensuite they will be staying in.
Tell her you're paying for more than the small single room you will be occupying.

I bet she takes the piss out of you quite a lot and this kind of favoritism is a regular occurrence.
I think you probably just choose to overlook her bullshit a lot of the time because she'd probably use her dc to 'punish' you.

Have you actually replied to her and set her straight?

Ellyess · 24/01/2019 16:22

BrusselPout Does that mean that now the children are older and need separate rooms you have to book a bigger Villa? Hence the bill has gone up? Phew! I'd certainly be cheesed off if I had to pay for my relative's kids, especially as her two are unbearable anyway. But then I wouldn't be going away with them! At best I would pay for my room and my children's rooms if they were separate. If my room was tiny and not having an ensuite I'd pay less than the price of a nice big ensue room, too. I expect none of the people in these families would go away with me though! They wouldn't be able to sponge off me. However I wasn't always so tough. I learned to protect myself because of such selfish grabbing people as we see here. Anything that involved my sister, her boys and my mother and me with my girls would see my children doing all the work, me providing all the food, my sister's -lazy bastards- sons lounging around demanding to be waited on hand and foot, and my mother saying how wonderful the boys were and how lovely my sister was.
Still, I think you have the right to say that, now the children are having own rooms, you feel the extra expense needs to be met by their family.

I am amazed at the attitude of "getting a free ride" or just feeling entitled and not giving a toss about the unfairness that so many people have.
I think this thread could go on for ever - so many of us can't get over our incredulity at this bare-faced cheek and the unfairness to OP and others. Yet it is so common.

isitisitwicked · 24/01/2019 16:59

I don't understand how anyone can even think this way! Only I would pay for my Child!

Holidayshopping · 24/01/2019 17:15

I actually wouldn’t want to go on holiday with anyone who spoke to me like that just because I wouldn’t pay for their children’s fights!

AcrossthePond55 · 24/01/2019 18:22

You know what? At this point I think I'd pull out of this holiday altogether and use what I budgeted for myself on myself. With the pissiness going on with DSis & DM I'd be afraid there might be 'atmosphere' which would throw a cold shower on my enjoyment.

I'd rather spend the money on a long weekend on my own or with friends at the seaside than spend a week in a villa abroad with family who might be holding a grudge.

emilybrontescorsett · 24/01/2019 23:09

I'm sorry but this type of holiday sounds like hell.
I've never shared accommodation with another family. Been away m any times with friends and their dc, always had separate rooms or apartmenrs. Really, really could not be doing with this.

BrusselPout · 26/01/2019 19:42

@Ellyess yes, that's the problem but it's my other half's family so family so it's his fight and he doesn't have the appetite for it, so we just get on with it really.

It's a massive irritation on my part (not the money as much as the principle - I hate unfairness!) and also very much being the bottom of the tree generally (eg we just have to get on with what everyone else wants to do, as you know, children)

I love his family but 😡

Ellyess · 27/01/2019 15:33

BrusselPout I feel for you! Could you beg your DP to have a holiday just for you and not with his family? Even if it's just for once? I would hate to have to spend time hanging around doing things for other people's children just for the sake of it. For one day maybe, but for my whole holiday? That is just not a holiday it's torture! That you have to pay for those children too - well, that is appalling! Why did their parents have them? It is so unfair. I'm the same as you - it's not the actual money but the principle. I have hated unfairness since I was very little. But then I was subjected to it from the start before I could even know what was going on.
You deserve a holiday without them!

Magicaljelly · 27/01/2019 15:36

We split villa cost by room and flights were paid by individuals.

YesitsJacqueline · 27/01/2019 15:42

Me and my mum have taken ds on holiday a few times and she insists on paying half of ds fare because she wants to and he's her grandson. Let your mum pay for her grandkids if she wants but you should not be put in that position. As for the sister's friend .... I wouldn't have the cheek !

Ellyess · 27/01/2019 16:28

emilybrontescorsett. Me too. I mean, what you said, for me, is the voice of total reason. Nearest I have been to being away "with" family is when I camped in a field a couple of fields away from their camping site on a long weekend. We met up from time to time, e.g. one afternoon for a heritage train ride, an evening when they did a barbecue and another afternoon I stayed with them for a while on the beach. But we didn't live in each other's pockets and we paid our own expenses.

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