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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for a holiday for kids that aren't mine

172 replies

BlueSuedeStiletto · 21/01/2019 23:26

Booking a family holiday to a villa.

Me (childfree)
My mum
My sister
My brother in law
My niece (2yo)
My sister's best mate
Her daughter (3yo)
A family friend (childfree)

When we talked about the holiday we said we'd split the costs of the 2 kids. I thought that meant the villa as the kids will be in with the parents and therefore it makes not difference whether they are there or not. I assumed the parents of the 2 kids would pay for the flights as they will have their own seats.

Apparently everyone else thought we were splitting the whole cost ans splitting the kids between the 6 adults. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Obviously I'm not a parent but if I was I'd fully expect to pay for my child on holiday.

To defend myself a bit, my niece is my only sister's only child and I dote on her. I do shift work so I look after her at least once a week. I love her. I'm just not sure I should have to pay for her (and my sister's best mate's daughter) to go on holiday.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OutPinked · 23/01/2019 18:28

YANBU. I’d rather go on holiday alone.

DragonMamma · 23/01/2019 18:29

We do group holidays and don’t include the kids in the cost - we are 8 adults (4 couples) and only one doesn’t have kids (but are the GP of one set) and just split the accommodations 4 ways.

I’d never expect them to pay towards my DC flights though!

PattiStanger · 23/01/2019 18:42

That would put me off even going on the holiday, you'll end up not enjoying it because of money issues.

They are starting as they mean to go on imo

MummyMayo1988 · 23/01/2019 18:43

YANBU !
Why on earth would you partly pay for someone else's child to go on holiday?! Your sister and her friend are being a bit cheeky! It's a luxury - if they want it; they have to pay their own way!

We do the same even when out for a meal with our childless friends. We pay 60 they pay 40. I NEVER in a million years expect them to pay for one of our children!

Sleepsoon7 · 23/01/2019 18:43

What madness is this?!! Parents pay for flights for own DC and also for meals out, kids drinks out etc unless someone offers to treat them. Nip this in the bud now!!!!

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/01/2019 18:47

Split the cost of the villa amongst the adults, and everyone buys their own (and THEIR kids') flights.
Kitty for food in villa - to be decided, and depends on whether the kids are eating (smaller portions of) what you're eating. If special food required, parents stump up.
Meals out: pay for what you eat/drink.

Ellyess · 23/01/2019 18:53

BlueSuedeStiletto Crikey! What kind of parent assumes that going on holiday with others - family and friends - means that the other adults divvy up to pay for your child's air fare? This is crazy! It's the parents' responsibility to pay the costs incurred in taking their child(ren) on holiday. If a member of a family has particular money problems and the family get together to pay some of the expense for them, that is up to the family, done privately, between the family members concerned. I was helped out once by my dad for example, during a very difficult time when I had only the child benefit and nothing else and dad paid the fares for me and offspring to get to caravan holiday with grandparents. A few years later on I was able to repay, not literally the actual amount, but by treating him. That's how families operate. But to just assume that all the adults pay the flights for any children, related or not, is bizarre. I've never heard of it before. How did they come up with it?

I think you may have to just ask outright, - are the parents in each case unable to find the money for their child's fare? If so, it should have been discussed before arrangements were made and people should have been able to agree to chip in for them. But this? - well, it doesn't make sense.

Sorry. Poor you. Difficult situation. But your sister has to take responsibility for her child, financial as well as all other ways. If she needs help she has to ask before commitments are made. As for her friend's child - how can that be logical, that your family pay for her? Ok, the accommodation, that is different as the children fit in around the adults. But flights??? No! You do not pay for the children's flights.

Hushnownobodycares · 23/01/2019 19:06

If your mother wants to sub the flight costs that's up to her but it's ocean going CF'ery to expect you and childfree friend to divvy up.

Tell them you won't be contributing to the flights and refuse to engage any further. Any dramatics, pull out altogether and book yourself a refreshing break away from the lot of them.

RoodleNoodle · 23/01/2019 19:15

Never paid for other kids flights. I've been away twice with family. One at home where we split petrol money but even then not equally. DB, 2 DNs, DD and me in one car so I paid 2/5 DB paid 3/5. The other holiday was abroad before DD so we paid our own flights and split the villa. Wouldn't have occurred to me to split DNs flight.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 23/01/2019 19:33

Has your DM already told the others that the cost will be split across the adults? If so then she needs to stump up! If she won't I would pull out.

StoneofDestiny · 23/01/2019 19:39

Wow - they are CF's!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 23/01/2019 19:43

I think you've been kind over the accommodation. As you say, they are in with their parents so not really a big problem splitting that. The flights are the parent's responsibility. If your mum is flush and wants to give a donation she can but that isn't your responsibility. I'd day "Sorry I thought you meant splitting the accommodation, I can't afford to pay for the kids flights as well."

Missingstreetlife · 23/01/2019 19:50

I think you should add up the cost of your holiday, possibly doing two calculations if you are occupying a double room.
Then calculate what you will pay by your mums suggestion, again taking account of couples sharing a room, and parents sharing with kids. How much is the difference?

emilybrontescorsett · 23/01/2019 19:51

Another yanbu.

BrusselPout · 23/01/2019 19:52

My DPs family does this with accommodation, which was fine when the kids were sharing with their parents but now they are starting to get older they also require a room of their own - pisses me right off that we end up subsidising the holidays for those in the family with kids, but in the interests of family relations we grin and bear it

Hector2000 · 23/01/2019 20:00

Tackle your mother. And try to get her agreement on how the cost for meals will be split, too. Each summer I take my two sons to see my elderly father, my sister joins for a week. I will usually pay for myself and sons, with a couple of treat meals where I pay for father and sister. Sister and father do the same back. Works out fine overall.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 23/01/2019 20:07

Accommodation split equally in our family at the suggestion of the grandparents, who are the only ones who would be paying a bit more than just their room. They seem happy to subsidise.

Food is split by people (adults and kids over 3yo). It means the kids can eat a good portion without anyone feeling bad about the shopping costs. They can also have their cereal choice on the order too, same as the adults. Nappies, expensive toddler snacks and alcohol are all excluded from the shop. I would rather pay for my kids' share on the shopping so they can eat without me feeling like a CFer.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 23/01/2019 20:15

We go away in a big group (friends) every year. There are usually three or four kids (we have none) and I'd be very surprised if we haven't subsidised them in the hire of the house or the Big Shop. It doesn't really worry us as we can afford it but, if we couldn't afford it it, I would definitely question it.

LightTripper · 23/01/2019 20:19

We've always split villa costs by room, and then flights etc. everyone pays their own (obviously!)

Going out for lunches/dinners we will sometimes split equally between families even if e.g. someone has an extra child or someone didn't have dessert - but only if it's roughly even, just to make life simpler. Definitely don't expect child-free friends to pick up the tab for our kids!

Original poster
BlueSuedeStiletto · 23/01/2019 22:10

Thanks all!
I've not spoken to the family friend, as far as I'm aware she was ok with it.

I booked the whole holiday as I am the "grown up" (whole other thread right there). Originally was going to be booked as a package but I ended up booking flights separately as it saved about £400 in total. I think that's why my mum, sister and friend thought we'd be splitting the whole thing, but even in a package deal you select your flights and can see how much they are.

I've ended up feigning ignorance. "Oh I thought we were just splitting the villa!". I think they're pissed off, but I think I'm right and 5 pages of you agree! I do feel a bit guilty as my sister has her partner to split the cost of my niece but friend is a single parent and I know money is tight. But on the other hand... it's not my child!

Re babysitting- I think we're likely to all hang out together most of the time. I'm very close to my niece and look after her often when her parents are at work so she's as likely to ask my to do things for her as she is her parents and that's not a problem. And to be completely fair it's more than likely that all the girls will go out a couple of times and my BIL will stay behind with the kids as he often prefers an earlier night an offers to do the childcare

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 23/01/2019 22:16

Which of those going is a bit pissed off?

Original poster
BlueSuedeStiletto · 23/01/2019 22:28

My mum made a face. My sister sent a slightly passive aggressive text to group chat. Her mate questioned it as her flight cost has now doubled.

OP posts:
GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 23/01/2019 22:31

Oh well done OP. You should be a BREXIT negotiator with tact skills like that Wine for you!

popcornwizard · 23/01/2019 22:32

Her flight price shouldn't double as no tax on child flights. If flights per person are the same, then those with children are actually subsidising the adults.

GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 23/01/2019 22:32

That isn't sarcasm btw! I'm genuinely impressed