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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 15:40

She didnt ask for the iPad (she never asks for anything) however I had noticed the one she had was old and slow and she was struggling with it - which isnt surprising as that was my cast off when I upgraded mine several years ago - and it was old then.

So I thought, since she spends many many hours every day using it, that getting he a new one would be a nice thing to do. And she did appreciate it.

OP posts:
OyOy · 21/01/2019 15:41

She didnt ask for the iPad (she never asks for anything)

Yes she does - a card.

shpoot · 21/01/2019 15:43

So this morning on her 75th birthday her only child gave her.....nothing.

iPad last week (nice but why early?), flowers later (lovely but the card on
them doesn't count) and no birthday card. I'd be upset too if I was her. The card is the best bit. It's the most personal bit. Although, moonpig cards are better than nothing they are the lowest of the low when it comes to thought and effort.

Awful. Why couldn't you just let her think what she wants about her own dishwasher? I think YABU

Helmetbymidnight · 21/01/2019 15:47

Only an iPad and a bouquet of flowers?!!

What an unloving daughter you are-

Joking op, these hallmark groupies are weird. Who gets the hump about a card? Morons that’s who.

shpoot · 21/01/2019 15:47

"sure, they aren't personally signed but no one cares."

They are polite enough to not tell you that but it definitely shows lack of thought and effort. I hate them except for kids. The personalisation makes it nice for them but I wouldn't send my mum one in a million years

Juells · 21/01/2019 15:49

One year I sent one to one of my DDs, but felt so guilty that I've never done it again. I knew she'd feel I'd made no effort.

shpoot · 21/01/2019 15:51

*Juells
*
I know the feeling. I've sent one to kids before and had to send one to my cousin as I'd forgotten her birthday and was stuck at work until after the post.

Felt so bad! I'd never choose that as my favoured means of card sending!

scaryteacher · 21/01/2019 15:52

newname Older people (probably 50+ Fecking cheek...I am 53, and am not 'older'. 'Older' is 75+ thank you very much. Some people at 50 still have young kids!

scaryteacher · 21/01/2019 15:54

Those who are bashing the OP probably don't have the type of mother who will find fault with every little thing, each and every time. There is always some comment about something not being quite right.

It gets wearing, especially after the 99th time it's manked about.

Iamdanish · 21/01/2019 15:55

Is it really considered good form to complain about your presents or lack of 😱? If someone did that to me, I would stop giving.
For those who say "it's a blo... Card, get her one". Likewise she should be able to get over a missing card 😀.
For what it is worth, I don't think you are being unreasonable but you mother is entitled. I suppose you could throw a hissy fit at her presents, but then again... 🙄.

Cloudhopping · 21/01/2019 15:58

You are making your mother’s birthday about you. She is hurt. Cards mean something to the older generation. It doesn’t matter that you spent lots of money on her, it’s the card that’s important to her. Yes your gift was generous, there’s no doubting that- but im not sure that generation care so much about things like that.

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable, I think you got it wrong, sorry.

My mum is in her 70’s and my brother buys her big, expensive presents (iPad, iMac etc etc) and never sends a card. She really doesn’t care about ‘stuff’. She would much prefer a card and a nice pair of slippers.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/01/2019 16:02

Oof I can’t imagine having relatives who, whatever efforts you go to, sulk if you don’t buy them a £1.50 generic greeting card from the supermarket.

It’s not a generation thing- it’s a petty person thing.

PepsiLola · 21/01/2019 16:04

You need to spell out to her "I spent £400 on a iPad, £25 on flowers, and you're moaning about a £1 card that you will recycle on Wednesday?!"

UrsulaPandress · 21/01/2019 16:09

The card on the flowers does not count in my mind.

And you knew how important cards are to her.

Iamdanish · 21/01/2019 16:09

PepsiLola
Yes, this.

shpoot · 21/01/2019 16:19

No. Not that. It's not about money. She didn't ask for an iPad and flowers. She's made it quite clear for the last 25 years that a card matters to her.

Mitzicoco · 21/01/2019 16:20

Whatdoesitmatteranyway

You haven't done anything wrong.

Mitzicoco · 21/01/2019 16:21

Wow thought we were all meant to be sisters but some of the judgmental comments on here.....

Helmetbymidnight · 21/01/2019 16:24

she’s doesn’t keep or display the cards. They sit in a pile on her table until the next recycling day (which is Wednesday) and they go out with the recycling

She treasures cards, op, and if you don’t spend money at Clinton’s on cardboard with a picture of some flowers on the front- as opposed to real flowers- then you are a bad, thoughtless daughter. Grin

Oof so glad my mum was nice and normal!

AlexaAmbidextra · 21/01/2019 16:24

How lovely people on here are calling a 75 year old woman a brat. I don’t think a florists card cuts it tbh. Most people of that age would expect a proper birthday card from their daughter.

DishingOutDone · 21/01/2019 16:25

OMG. I won't be speaking to my kids like this ever, as I want to see them again. Time and time again on AIBU people are told to suck it up, any present they must be ridiculously grateful for even if its already been used. Especially kids I notice, any present a child gets is far more than they deserve.

If someone posted "my mum didn't get me a card but got me an iPad and some flowers" they'd have their arse on an AIBU plate. Surprised no one has brought up dementia yet, whilst we're on the AIBU bingo card.

Your mum has form for being selfish and rude; I'd say you've actually enabled it by getting a card with sorry written on it. Now you've just set yourself up for next year Hmm

Cheeeeislifenow · 21/01/2019 16:30

Your mum sounds like a child..does she suffer with dementia or anything.she sounds completely unreasonable.

Cheeeeislifenow · 21/01/2019 16:32

Ha ha @dishing I only mention dementia if it's out of character.vut I have rtft and op says this is typical.
She's bloody ungrateful.

DishingOutDone · 21/01/2019 16:34

Cheeeeis! I luff you! Wink ticks home-made bingo card

Colorbomb · 21/01/2019 16:35

Aren’t you used to older people being a little like this sometimes? You clearly care about your mum as you bought her nice gifts so what is the hassle to buy a card a couple of days before and stick a stamp on it?
I just don’t get your attitude. It matters to her and it’s not a big ask - why not?

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