My mother and birthday card gate

[Whatdoesitmatteranyway]

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

She was abrupt and a bit rude, but you should have got her a card. To be honest, just a bunch of flowers for your mum's significant birthday doesn't sound like a lot. And could you not have booked the day off work to spend with her? She's good enough for you to stay with but not good enough to deserve a card and a birthday spent with her daughter.

I misunderstood your first post. I didn't realise you bought her an iPad too. You bought a really nice gift then.

'She's good enough for you to stay with but not good enough to deserve a card and a birthday spent with her daughter.' still stands though.

AS for moonpig - I actually spend a lot more time over a moonpig card than I ever would over a physical one. I tend to send "comedy" cards so I look through them to find one perfect for the recipient and then personalise it. Its not just two clicks.

So you typically send comedy cards because that’s what you like and what you want to send, not necessarily what they want to receive. Some people prefer sentimental or thoughtful cards, some simple, some photographs and so on. You don’t tailor to that, you pick based on your own preferences.

Also again, you don’t even bother to hand write it, you just type a message which is spectacularly lazy.

@Butterfly84

" just a bunch of flowers for your mum's significant birthday doesn't sound like a lot."

Did you miss the bit where I got her a new iPad as well?

"And could you not have booked the day off work to spend with her? She's good enough for you to stay with but not good enough to deserve a card and a birthday spent with her daughter."

I'm self employed and to take the day off would cost high three figures - she would kill me if I took the day off for that.

She got her an Ipad and a bunch of flowers not just the flowers Butterfly.
I think OP INBU but the elderly in my experience are very hung up on getting a card/s. My Mum send cars to relatives she hasn't seen for decades, I think whats the point?

I would have definitely got her a card - ones on flowers are not the same - I know you think the funky pigeon ones are similar because you haven't handwritten it, but she obviously doesn't ... can you not get her a card before tonight? I know she's being a bit OTT about it, but if that's what makes her happy

cards that should be.

Next year I'd get her one so shes not moaning. she does sound very ungratefull though and Ipad is a great present.

If your mum likes to receive cards, and it's obvious from your other examples that she does, then just make sure you get her a card on special occasions. She won't be around forever and if it makes her happy you should do it.

OP, just curious, why did you give your mum the ipad the previous weekend rather than on her birthday?

As dp dad is like that about cards, infact the whole family are. His dad doesn't even want a present just goes on about a card as thpugh it's the only thing that matters in the world and will actually go in a huff if he doesn't receive one. I hate cards, even as a child I just couldn't see the point in them. She is being petty.

It does sound a bit petty on the face of it but for many older people there really is no substitute for a card. It's not much of a hardship to get one just for her in order to keep the peace. You can get very cheap fairly attractive ones at most supermarkets with little effort and if it makes her happy you don't suffer from having your ear bent. So worth the effort in my view.

Because I had bought it and that weekend I was there all weekend to make sure it was set up correctly. You know how it is, even when you restore a back up onto a new device somethings need adjusting, passwords re-entered etc.

I was in hand to be able to deal with any issues.

If I have it to her today then when I get in from work at around 2000 I would have to set it up. then I’d be constantly plagued with texts or calls asking how to get cyz working (which I often can’t explain unless I have it in front of me).

It was just easier

@whatdoesitmatteranyway

I understand you being a bit annoyed, and on the face of it, your mother is being a little bit bratty.

Howeverrrrr.... Older people (probably 50+, moreso older,) do like to get greetings cards. My aunts/uncles/great aunts and uncles and mother and nana etc, would value a 29p card and £3 box of maltesers, more than a £50 bouquet of flowers with no card.

If your mother appreciates/values cards, then I don't understand why you wouldn't get one, and why you're so annoyed that she is a bit miffed at not getting one. (The one that the florist wrote out with the flowers isn't quite the same...)

YABU ( a bit ...)

I do find it strange how many people can’t undrtstand that different people will have different priorities. I don’t do cards but I appreciate many people do so will respect that and buy them a card.

My Nan liked “wordy” sentimental type cards so I would make sure I got her one I thought she would like.

I hate moonpig cards and cards off other internet sites. A friend of mine (aged 30) had a birthday card for her 30th last year that said 'No-one is as easy to take up the arse as you are. Happy birthday slack arse.'

And he thought this was funny.

Did she ask for an iPad?

And do you really not know a florist placeholder card is not the same as an actual birthday card?

I've heard of Disney parents - you appear to be a Disney Daughter.

It feels like you've set this up - you buy her lavish gifts that aren't even presented to her on her own birthday and don't send a card even though you know that cards are important to her.

You then get to bluster "but but but I've bought her a IPAD!!! FFS an IPAD I SPENT SO MUCH MONEY AND SHE"S SO UNGRATEFUL"

She didn't seem to want an iPad - she wanted a card.

Interestingly, you have only been responding to the people who are expressing empathy to your Mum - it makes a change from posters who only acknowledge the people who agree with them!

But you seem desperate to tell the posters who care calling you out why they are wrong!

An earlier poster called it for me - you don't just want to be right - you want her to be wrong.

You sound entrenched in some warped emotional battle war against your Mother and the card issue is your battle.

I feel for her - from her POV you :
moved into her home for three nights a week purely for your own convenience, which is a massive thing - think about the threads on here where MIL have moved in or asked to and the barrage of "nooooos!" that follow.

No difference in you moving into her space for half the week - you haven't mentioned rent or board?

You barrack her, in her own home, to the extent of getting a ruler to measure the dishwasher - which is kind of intimidating and aggressive for any adult let alone a 75-year-old tbh.

You've invaded her personal space and gone though her stuff under the guise of tidying/helping - and then turned that into an upsetting drama.

You've chosen not to send her a card - the one thing you know should would have valued and cast yourself as the victim by creating a smokescreen of luxurious gifts - that's manipulative.

These are all signs of bloody-mindedness, refusal to accept wrong doing and apologise ( and no a passive -aggressive "sorry" on the card doesn't count, as well you know -, ditto Mother's Day card).

Just think, this is how your son - or his partner - will be talking about you - or "the Mother" as they'll in no doubt refer to you.

Maybe you should look into counselling to help you figure out why you are like this?

@whatdoesitmatteranyway

Your original post didn't say that you had bought your mother an ipad. You said she had got one for her birthday. Never said you got it though.

People are responding to that first post, as it never said you got your mother an ipad.

@OyOy

"moved into her home for three nights a week purely for your own convenience,"

Actually no. I took this particular contract 220 miles away from my own home and DH because she was having three major surgeries (she's had two so far) and she needed someone on hand to help her out as there was no one else.

So no, it wasn't for my own convenience. I could quite happily find a gig local to me tomorrow.

However I didn't think that was relevant to the situation.

Before her first surgery, she asked me to help tidy up as the house had gotten away from her when she was unable to move easily. So I did. The problem comes because for me tidying is not just re-arranging the deck chairs but throwing out items that havent been used for 5 years, will never be used again, but are in the way.

And questioning why she has 14 frying pans all of the same size (but seemingly different coatings make all the difference) but only ever uses 2 of them.

The mother (as I refer to her amongst friends) will never admit she's wrong and will never ever ever apologise.

Doesn't sound like you like her much.

You call her 'The mother!'

As a pp said, you sound as bad as her. Worse IMO.

DRRRRRIIIIIPPPPP

I could quite happily find a gig local to me tomorrow.

Maybe just do that that- I'm sure on your daily rate of "high three figures" could help pay towards someone who doesn't hate her to care for her.

Throwing money at a problem instead of addressing it seems to be your thing.

OMG leave the poor OP alone!

She THOUGHT about her mother's birthday.
She acted on that thought, not once but TWICE, and all her mother can do is sulk?

Your Mother sounds like a piece of work difficult, and you sound lovely, and kind and thoughtful.

The OP never patted herself on the back about the ipad, she mentioned it again because people don't RTFT and she was accused of giving her mother "just a bunch of flowers" and made to sound like she had nipped into the shell garage on the way home.

Oh, and for those that think those over 50 treasure cards more that thoughts or actions, I'm over 60 and I smile, nod, and throw generic "to - from" cards in the bin the next day. I would much rather a text or a call, which to me is far more personal.

..and yes, I'm a mother too.

How the hell do you get the impression I hate my mother? It wasn't a drip feed because the reasons for me being there did not seem relevant to the original post.

Do we need to give a full life history of everything before asking a simple question.

OyOy
^Did she ask for an iPad?*

Hmmmnnnnn... I must admit your post has made me look at things in a different light.

^
For the record, I got her a card and dropped it in on my lunch break. I added a "Sorry" note to it (and resisted the urge to point out that at least I know how to use the word).

She seems to have chilled out but no doubt I 'll b dealing with the aftermath of this for months with constant references to it.^

Good for you for making her happy. Try and forget about it yourself and maybe have a glass of wine or something to celebrate her birthday when you get in from work ? Or even better grab a cake on the way home and get some brownie points ??

My mum is obsessed with bloody cards. Obsessed. She started a huge row with me on my own birthday because I and t sent my 43 her old bother a card on His birthday and I said I wasn't bothered that I hadn't revived one from him. (We exchanged messages instead). It was like the end of days to her that we had teach spent £2.59 and the price of a stamp to say the same thing we said on our respective texts.
I don't get it at all.
I send her a bloody card every year to avoid her going nuts.
I wouldn't mind but all her cards ever say is 'love mum'...it's not like she's filling them with meaningful prose or the secret to everlasting happiness
YANBU In my eyes op.. but your mum is clearly card obsessed like mine so to avoid the row you'll have to suck it up.