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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
Colorbomb · 21/01/2019 16:37

Just read the last page of messages; one person calls your 75-yo mum a moron and another says she maybe has dementia because she hoped to receive a birthday card.
Funny place, mumsnet.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/01/2019 16:41

I said ALL people who get the hump about cards, when they have kindly been given other things, are morons. Not just the ops mother.

People really do love a shop bought card though eh! It’s a revelation!

Cheeeeislifenow · 21/01/2019 16:45

So just because she is elderly she gets to be rude and ungrateful and make snide comments about "looking for her card on the road".
She is an adult and should know better.
I hate rudeness and ungrateful Ness.
If she really loves a card she could say.
"Thanks for all of the thoughtful gifts, I really appreciate it but for future reference I am really delighted to receive a card".

Mitzicoco · 21/01/2019 16:46

Clearly everyone here has too much time on their hands! Including me! I'm off to iron my husband's shirt! HA effing HA!

Helmetbymidnight · 21/01/2019 16:48

You’ve gotta multitask Mitzi Wink

Mitzicoco · 21/01/2019 16:50

Damn right.

Jux · 21/01/2019 16:54

I always called my parents 'The Parents', not because I didn't like them but because I did, very much. I also loved them, and enjoyed spending time with them - to the extent that I would break up with a boyfriend if he expected me to spend Xmas every other year with HIS family!

The Parents was a kind of honorific, but also a kind of joke too, as they were so unlike anyone who might expect an honorific. Much more to that 'joke' side of it too. You'd need to know us all to get improperly.

So calling your mum The Mother doesn't necessarily indicate any specific thing, let alone that OP hates her, I would think the opposite.

Mitzicoco · 21/01/2019 16:54

My god I hate Thomas Pink shirts. They seem to self-crease as you iron them.....

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 21/01/2019 16:55

I agree with the pp about you being a Disney daughter.

You buy her an expensive present that you haven’t answered whether she actually wanted or not, don’t even give it to her on her birthday, then send some flowers with a tiny card and think ‘job done, I’ve spent loads of money, she should be grateful why is she whining about a proper card’.

And yes, I also agree with the person who said you don’t just want her to be wrong, you want you to be right. You’re stubborn, hence why despite going through the motions of pretending to be sorry you’re actually not.

InfiniteVariety · 21/01/2019 16:57

Jux my school friend used to call her Dad "Aged P" (which I think is from "Great Expectations") which was clearly a term of endearment and understood to be so by her father!

scaryteacher · 21/01/2019 17:00

Infinite I used to call my parents that as well. We all obviously did Great Expectations at A level in the 80s!

Mitzicoco · 21/01/2019 17:04

Aged Parent. (Have finished ironing creases into shirt)

HelenUrth · 21/01/2019 17:22

OP, I suggest you ignore the grief from those who don't understand what it's like to have a "difficult" parent. My mother is one of those so I feel your pain.

I had abuse hurled down the phone at me about a card I sent her one year because I hadn't "bothered" to write a thoughtful message in it. I had actually thought the message printed inside was perfect for a lovely thoughtful mother (which she isn't but I overlooked that). So I "upset her dreadfully with my selfish behaviour". Yet she thought it was ok for years to send me a card addressed to Mrs Myhusbandslastname; when I reminded her again and again that I didn't use his name, I was told how selfish I was, I must be hurting him dreadfully (he's fine with it), what would people think etc.

Hopefully your mother isn't as bad as mine. There are some mothers who, no matter what you do, will find fault in your most thoughtful, generous efforts. Mine is one, and I suspect yours is too but maybe not as much hard work. A phrase I've employed to some use is "I'm sorry you're disappointed. I did my best", you could try that on her.

icannotremember · 21/01/2019 17:25

I love my parents a lot and their house phone is in my mobile as The Parents; it's an in joke between my brother and me.

A few Irish people I know have used that turn of phrase too, without nay apparent ill intent- "the brother", "the father" etc.

delboysskinandblister · 21/01/2019 17:28

You are an only child. Which other child is going to send her a card?
It's really important to HER. It's HER birthday (not yours). I think you're being unreasonable. She would have been really looking forward to opening a special milestone birthday.

Put on list: Buy card. Handwrite card. Give card to Mother Bear on her actual birthday. We get one Mum in this life. One day she won't be here and it'll be too late. Moonpig is tacky, lazy and impersonal.
Make the effort. It clearly means more to her than an iPAD.

Happy 75th Birthday to your Mum x

Topseyt · 21/01/2019 17:31

I used to refer to my parents as "the parents". Still do sometimes. Absolutely not an issue. I also refer to my DH as "the husband" and couldn't give a shit if he referred to me as "the wife". I refer to my DDs as "the daughters" (amongst other things).

It isn't as uncommon or derogatory as some people seem to think.

OP, ignore those trying to nitpick. I would be willing to bet that if they had presented their parents with gifts such as iPads and flowers and then been moaned at they would be on here ranting about it and looking for empathy.

You have done nothing wrong. Your mother is being an ungrateful brat. You say she doesn't even display the cards she apparently so cherishes anyway, just stacks them up to go in the recycling. So no need for her to get so worked up about it. It's hardly as if you forgot her birthday completely and ignored her.

crimsonrose19 · 21/01/2019 17:33

As a mother of grown up children I'd be delighted to receive an iPad and flowers. I'm always grateful for whatever I get, but I wouldn't dream of having a go at one of them if things didn't live up to my expectations. Some mothers are just plain hard work, yours sounds like one of them Op.

2019Dancerz · 21/01/2019 17:36

Cards usually have nice verses on them about how nice you think the person is. I can see why she would want one.

2019Dancerz · 21/01/2019 17:37

Apologies for the double “nice” Blush

JohnCRaven · 21/01/2019 17:47

I like you OP. My DDad is the Old Man and my DMum is the Old Dear. To their face and it's no problem.

This sounds like a long running argument. You did nothing 'wrong' you just did things differently. Well done for sucking it up and buying a card to keep the peace. My DM would be passive aggressive just like yours!

Limensoda · 21/01/2019 17:47

FFS, she's 75. She is from a generation that thought cards were important.
Try being 75 living in a world you don't recognise any more!
Don't think you will feel the same at that age as you do now.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/01/2019 17:52

Please don’t pretend that all 75 year olds think a shop bought card with a generic verse in is the pinnacle of daughterly love.

Limensoda · 21/01/2019 17:53

You need to spell out to her "I spent £400 on a iPad, £25 on flowers, and you're moaning about a £1 card that you will recycle on Wednesday?!

Because money matters more than feelings?!
'Look at how much I spent on you!'
'I don't really care about what matters to you, but you should care about how much I spent!'

Helmetbymidnight · 21/01/2019 17:54

Because nothing says I love you more than a card from Clinton’s. Grin

Op why no balloon? If you didn’t get her a balloon you must despise her.

RebelWitchFace · 21/01/2019 17:59

This thread is freaking hilarious. Not for OP ofc , having to deal with The Mother and the shitty replies on here.

OP , for the record I get it. One day what you do will be good enough(when pigs fly), so ideally you should stop trying.