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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/01/2019 13:43

The op had confirmed that the ‘card’ with the flowers is just the standard little rectangle which comes with florists flowers so not a proper birthday card

Sirzy · 21/01/2019 13:44

“The mother” can’t be too bad if the OP is happy to go and stay with her when it suits for work!

Greenlightredlight · 21/01/2019 13:46

Well you should have got her a card, but your mum is totally overreacting.

Jux · 21/01/2019 13:46

She's old, a card is meaningful.

Why are you measuring slats on a dishwasher? A dishwasher ot your wn, not in a house you liv in, and not really used by you? So what if yor mum thinks it needs to be lded a particular way? Let her. Howdoes it affect you?

It seems to me that you have right. I don't kn whether that's a reaction to your mother, or whether she's being as she is because you e to be right and she's showing you that you won't always be or what, but Iwold say that you suuld back off, stop trying to prove her wrong, just ket it slide. Induge her, if she# trying to rile you she's succeeding, so step away and just say "yes mum". Send her cards when appropriate.

Topseyt · 21/01/2019 13:47

So, you got her an iPad and have some flowers with a card attached being delivered today and she still has the nerve to complain about a stupid card!!??

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. Your mother is though. She sounds like a spoilt and entitled brat. I'd be telling her so. I wouldn't accept that sort of behaviour from my children, so why should anyone accept it from a parent?

My parents are in their mid eighties. I do send cards because they don't live nearby and they don't have internet. If I either sent or visited with expensive presents then they wouldn't even notice whether there was a card or not. They would be grateful. As for Mother's Day, we do acknowledge it, but it isn't a massive deal.

Your mother sounds very ungrateful, and in the face of expensive and thoughtful gifts from you too. I would be very put out about that.

zen1 · 21/01/2019 13:48

Most people would not draw attention to the fact that someone had overlooked a card when they had already generously given an iPad and a bouquet of roses.

user1494670108 · 21/01/2019 13:48

I think that YAbu. Especially given her age, FWIW I hate Moonpig cards as so little effort has gone into them to me it feels like someone has sat at their deck thought "oh bugger, its User's birthday next week", two clicks and input credit card details and that "problem" is dealt with.

winsinbin · 21/01/2019 13:51

My late dad and my mum would always prefer a card to a gift. The words matter more to them than more stuff.

OlennasWimple · 21/01/2019 13:52

YANBU and so many posters need to RTFT

PattiStanger · 21/01/2019 13:52

Not that it matters, but I thought the OP was a man

You could be right, I assumed woman, I should have said she/he

Weezol · 21/01/2019 13:52

And for the record, she’s doesn’t keep or display the cards. They sit in a pile on her table until the next recycling day (which is Wednesday) and they go out with the recycling.

If it wasn't the card it would be something else ("Why didn't you book the day off to take me out?'').

Print out an image of the moon. Cut it out and affix it to a stick. Hand it to her and find yourself alternative accommodation.

Original poster
Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 13:59

ok, for the record, OP is a woman. But I do tend to "think" more like a man than a woman. DH (The boy / The wife) often refers to me as "Dave".

AS for moonpig - I actually spend a lot more time over a moonpig card than I ever would over a physical one. I tend to send "comedy" cards so I look through them to find one perfect for the recipient and then personalise it. Its not just two clicks.

For the record, I got her a card and dropped it in on my lunch break. I added a "Sorry" note to it (and resisted the urge to point out that at least I know how to use the word).

She seems to have chilled out but no doubt I 'll b dealing with the aftermath of this for months with constant references to it.

OP posts:
Joinourclub · 21/01/2019 14:01

You must know your mum values cards, so you really should have got her one for her 75th. I can’t imagine not buying my mum a card. And a florist card doesn’t count. It doesn’t really matter if you think texts are better or not, your mum prefers cards and I’m sure you knew that.!

Mitzicoco · 21/01/2019 14:03

How can you possibly get worked up about a lack of card(or not even in this case) at the age of 75? Is she very lonely or something? It just seems a bit odd. I hope that if I get to live to 75 I wont give a shit about cards or the like.

Juells · 21/01/2019 14:04

From now on cards and no gifts Grin Does she think ipads are £30? You've spent an awful lot on her birthday between the ipad and the flowers.

Weezol · 21/01/2019 14:09

The OP's mother does not value cards!
They are not displayed, and are binned within days ffs.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 21/01/2019 14:12

If she doesn't want the flowers, I'll have them. I never get flowers.

Last year DS forgot my birthday altogether.

I am still speaking to him.

JustForThisFred · 21/01/2019 14:14

I feel your pain.

My Mum lives overseas. I send TWO Mother’s Day cards. One for the UK date (she’s also from here originally) and one for where she lives now.

I’d never not send her a card for her birthday (even when I’m there in person) because I would never hear the end of it. Flowers, presents, florist card...no matter what else I sent, the grief of not sending a ‘proper’ Mum card is just not worth it. The Moonpig card I sent one year, which took bloody hours faffing around with getting good photos etc, went down badly because I’d had it sent direct to her and hadn’t written it by hand

We lost my Dad a few years and so I TRY not to upset her at all, but it’s virtually impossible because it’s so hard to know how she’ll take anything and without my Dad to put her straight (that x means x, not xyz) she’s a bloody nightmare.

🍷💐. < for you. Your Mum has plenty of cards and presents AND flowers.

Pk37 · 21/01/2019 14:15

Cards are not just to give people if you aren’t seeing them in person.
How bizarre to think that ..

Topseyt · 21/01/2019 14:16

If she keeps referring to it I would become sorely tempted to say something along the lines of "I bought you an expensive iPad and flowers. Be a little more appreciative please and stop being so pedantic about a card. You sound ridiculous".

That would be me.

LadyinLavende · 21/01/2019 14:16

I agree with @Whatdoesitmatteranyway
about Moonpig cards: I spend ages looking for the right one, personalising it with suitable (generally humerous) text, uploading relevant photos and proof- reading it.... they are works of art (albeit digital ones) and my family and friends generally display them even after the event.... sure, they aren't personally signed but no one cares.

They are also reliable when it comes to the postage: for the last significant event I bought a card in a shop and calculated how many days before I would need to send it for it to arrive on the right day. it was a day late and cost far more in postage than Moonpig would have charged, so La Poste has cooked their own goose as far as I am concerned: all future cards will be courtesy of Moonpig.

Mitzicoco · 21/01/2019 14:18

I don't think anyone thought that did they?

Mitzicoco · 21/01/2019 14:19

sorry, referring to Pk37's comment. Where are all the hugs?!

InSightMars · 21/01/2019 14:21

‘I bought you an expensive iPad and flowers.’

‘But we took you to stately homes.’

Food for thought? It’s not always about the money you spent but the little attentive details.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 21/01/2019 14:22

We could be sisters! My mother will complain if she doesn't get a card with 'Mum(my)' on it from me. 'Mother' will just about suffice, but if it is just a suitable-for-anyone card I will hear about it. The fact that I live in the arse end of nowhere, would rather write in a card than Moonpig it (no offence, OP!) and, until a year or two back, there was very little choice in the matter is neither here nor there. (I'll admit, I could have ordered one from Amazon but it wouldn't occur to me to buy a card online when I can get a perfectly adequate one elsewhere).

This Christmas, she asked if I'd sent her a card. The answer is no, because I couldn't find the nice one I'd bought and we don't really have Christmas cards in for others. Plus, I'd sent her a very nice one from my cat (as per usual). But she wasn't happy as I hadn't sent her one. Oh well!