My mother and birthday card gate

[Whatdoesitmatteranyway]

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

Because nothing says I love you more than a card from Clinton's

Except an iPad, obviously?
Nothing says I love you more than caring what makes the other person happy, however bloody stupid YOU think it is.

How important can it be if it goes in the bin in 2 days? Seriously??

I see no harm in spelling out to her what a brat she is being.

I wouldn't actually mention the cost. Saying "I bought you a new iPad and some lovely flowers and all you can do is whinge about a card!!" would be just as effective.

I’m going to be like this to my kids!

Whatever they do, I’m just gonna sit there, arms crossed, po-faced: ‘where’s my freaking helium balloon?’

Older people can be odd. You get people too!
But I have had card issues with my mother - over a Xmas card I admit I didn't send. But that was bc I was seeing her Xmas eve and Xmas day.
She also flounced once bc the flowers I sent were pink. She prefers blue. In fact she didn't flounce. Dad did it for her. It was pathetic!

You should have got her a card as well as flowers, if you knew she liked cards.

She is being petty in going on about it though.

Isn’t MN a strange place? Call a child a brat and people come down on you like a ton of bricks. Apparently though it’s an acceptable term for an elderly woman. Even the term moron is ok too it seems. How unpleasant.

I’m with you on card sending OP - waste of time, paper and money. And your mum in general sounds like hard work.

I had a similar situation with my dad one Xmas, he felt really slighted, so I still send them to him. He didn’t hold it against me for months tho!

Alexa, mn is a collection of individuals- did you not realise that yet?

Some think sulking or flouncing is appropriate at not getting a card, others don’t.

What is it with cards? A card is a token to show that someone has thought of you and remembered your special day. If you’ve been bought an iPad and a bunch of flowers you can hardly claim you’ve been forgotten can you? Your mother is behaving like a brat, and yes it is possible to have members of my ‘older’ Generation being brats

If you had already given her the ipad, and she had nothing to open on the morning of her birthday, you know she likes cards, would it really have been too much fuss to get her one. Sounds like you are both as bad as each other. Why on earth would you feel the need to measure dishwasher slats in order to prove a point.

Just imagining how different some responses would be if this were a mil thread!!

No but she doesn’t like cards, she doesn’t stand them up and she bins them after a couple of days.

A florists tiny card is not the same as a proper birthday card. I would get her a card. My relatives her age make a big thing of getting & displaying birthday cards. I take special car to get cat ones for her he cat lover & arty ones for the one who paints water olours.

What is it with women and fecking cards? 😂

If a 7 yo can cope with the fact that the cake/party/card/presents were at the weekend and she's getting nothing on her actual birthday so can a 75 yo woman (who still has flowers and a card coming).

And the card might be a tiny florist one, doesn't mean it can't have a personal message on it. My friend sent me flowers for my birthday, yes the card was tiny but the message was very personal(and hilarious) and with names and kisses too.

‘I bought you an expensive iPad and flowers.’

‘But we took you to stately homes.’

Food for thought? It’s not always about the money you spent but the little attentive details.

^^This.
You asked if she is behaving like a petty toddler. Trust me, she isn't.

You both sound totally completely and utterly exhausting and I need a lie down after reading this thread.

YABBD*

*you are both being douchebags

The woman is a sodding nutter! You got her a card, it was attached to the flowers you got her. Jeezo, some people are never happy. This was never about a card and about way more.

Fucking 'ell. Anyone who likes/expects a card for their birthday is a brat, a petty toddler, a nutter, a moron, a loon, and they probably have dementia!!! I am glad my adult children are nothing like some of the rude people making these nasty comments. Do your older relatives know what nasty vicious comments you make about them?!

I wouldn't thank ANYone for an ipad. Overrated, overly expensive unnecessary, pointless gadget!. If you have more money than sense, give me the £350 it cost, so I can buy something decent, and a lot more use than a twatty ipad!

The OP's mother doesn't sound 'difficult' or like hard work at all. Just a typical older person who values the sentiment of a nice thoughtful card. The OP sounds like hard work though.

Some posters on here sound massively irritated by their mothers, for very little. Hope my kids never treat me like this.

I can't believe some of the vitriol on this thread that people are spewing about their mothers and other female relatives. How sad. You will all be old one day, and I hope your children/younger family members have a better attitude towards YOU, than you have towards YOUR mother and older family members now.

@whatdoesitmatteranyway

I'm self employed and to take the day off would cost high three figures.

WHY? Are you a supermodel?

I agree with a number of other posters on here; if your mother is so awful, then move out!

“Did she ask for an iPad?

And do you really not know a florist placeholder card is not the same as an actual birthday card?

I've heard of Disney parents - you appear to be a Disney Daughter.

It feels like you've set this up - you buy her lavish gifts that aren't even presented to her on her own birthday and don't send a card even though you know that cards are important to her.

You then get to bluster "but but but I've bought her a IPAD!!! FFS an IPAD I SPENT SO MUCH MONEY AND SHE"S SO UNGRATEFUL"

She didn't seem to want an iPad - she wanted a card.

Interestingly, you have only been responding to the people who are expressing empathy to your Mum - it makes a change from posters who only acknowledge the people who agree with them!

But you seem desperate to tell the posters who care calling you out why they are wrong!

An earlier poster called it for me - you don't just want to be right - you want her to be wrong.

You sound entrenched in some warped emotional battle war against your Mother and the card issue is your battle.

I feel for her - from her POV you :
moved into her home for three nights a week purely for your own convenience, which is a massive thing - think about the threads on here where MIL have moved in or asked to and the barrage of "nooooos!" that follow.

No difference in you moving into her space for half the week - you haven't mentioned rent or board?

You barrack her, in her own home, to the extent of getting a ruler to measure the dishwasher - which is kind of intimidating and aggressive for any adult let alone a 75-year-old tbh.

You've invaded her personal space and gone though her stuff under the guise of tidying/helping - and then turned that into an upsetting drama.

You've chosen not to send her a card - the one thing you know should would have valued and cast yourself as the victim by creating a smokescreen of luxurious gifts - that's manipulative.

These are all signs of bloody-mindedness, refusal to accept wrong doing and apologise ( and no a passive -aggressive "sorry" on the card doesn't count, as well you know -, ditto Mother's Day card).

Just think, this is how your son - or his partner - will be talking about you - or "the Mother" as they'll in no doubt refer to you.

Maybe you should look into counselling to help you figure out why you are like this?”

Utter, utter insanity.

My DM wouldnt give a hoot about an ipad as long as she got a card. My DM makes a lot of efforts with the cards she gives to me and the DC and the DC do chuckle as she will always get a to the GC which is very mushy....but thats who she is. I wouldn't dream of calling my mother a brat because she questioned where her card was....she would be happier with a thoughtful card with a personal message that than an expensive ipad and a bunch of cards with a card either typed or written by someone else....but thats my mum and I know what she is like....

oops the joys of auto correct and wine ,, that should have read a bunch of flowers with a card

@Streetwisehercules

Exactly. ^ Why should anyone be super grateful for something (expensive) that they didn't even ask for?!

I think she is being incredibly petty and ungrateful! You didn't forget her birthday you got her an expensive present and a bunch of flowers with a message. It's really rude to ignore that and focus on the bit of paper you didn't get her. I agree it is an odd concept to write down a message and hand it to someone instead of speaking it. Despite that, its just bad form for her to mention it even if she is genuinely upset. Even if you get her one for every event going forward it's going to be because she's going to bitch and moan, not because there is any real sentiment behind it. I'd be tempted to swap her ipad for a card!