To think DHs sister is a bridezilla?

[ReginaGeorge2nd]

If I’m honest...we have never got on. As a matter of fact, I have never got on with his entire family but that’s a thread in itself.

She is getting married in April and has requested me to:

1. Not to wear a wig (my hair is super thin and balding and makes me super uncomfortable so I tend to wear proper, human hair wigs in public/to occasions- I’m talking a decent one, not a green Mohawk from the joke shop)
2. Wear a dress of her choosing (not a bridesmaid or part of the wedding party in any form) because she doesn’t like my “fashion sense”. I don’t dress like a cheap hooker, but I’m not a fussy old fashioned type either

As DH has insisted I’m part of the wedding photos she feels she has a right to demand these things

AIBU?

Thank you everyone for the advice

RE the wedding photos- she wants to get a big family photo with siblings, partners children etc and DH knowing she would exclude me and my DC (who aren’t DHs by birth but he has formally adopted them) insisted we be part if his brother and wife (who also stuck up for me as I actually get on with her) and kids were. She also has kids from a previous relationship.

RE DHs parents- they honestly don’t give a shit. They outwardly loathe me and always have done. There was a period when DH went no contact with them for nearly 9 months and it’s looking like it will have to be a permanent thing now which I don’t want to have to make him do.

I didn’t get on with my own mum and then she died and the guilt I’ve carried around for years- I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.

That's awful! Get your dh to stick up for you!

Why do they all hate you so much? Is there a big backstory?

What sort of thing would you wear by choice? Is it appropriate for a wedding? I’m trying to guauge just how rude she’s being.

A bridezilla would be insisting on a colour scheme and dictating a particular dress colour.

Your SIL seems to want to humiliate you.

No wig and a dress of her choosing?

Sounds like she's setting you up.

Either go wearing your wig and appropriate attire or don't go.

Your husband would have to support you in this, preferably staying away if you decided not to go.

YANBU at all! I've never heard such an unreasonable request at a wedding. Is she telling all the other guests what they should wear? I bet not. So it's singling you out and quite bullyish to be quite honest. Regardless of the backstory, if she's invited you to the wedding as her brother's wife, she should then have the decency to let you wear whatever you want. Especially is there's a good reason for it like with the wig. She's just being spiteful and it sounds like there's an issue there with her feeling you may get the attention but she needs to realise it's her wedding, in the nicest way to the guests, nobody's going to be concerned with everyone else will be wearing.

RE DHs parents- they honestly don’t give a shit. They outwardly loathe me and always have done. There was a period when DH went no contact with them for nearly 9 months and it’s looking like it will have to be a permanent thing now which I don’t want to have to make him do.

If this was employment rather than a familial relationship, what your SiL has just proposed - and the family behaviour in general - would be constructive dismissal.

Barring some tortured backstory, they are the ones making it impossible for you to have a relationship with them.

I have diffuse alopecia. Fair play to the people who can rock the Sinead O’Conner circa 1990 look, unfortunately I can’t. She obviously wants you to look terrible and is choosing a particularly nasty approach - I can imagine her asking you not to wear a fuscia pink wig to the wedding, but other than that, there’s no reason for her to give 2 thoughts to what’s on top of your head.

I’d be tempted to shave my head for the wedding though. 😈

Ok, what do you want to do?
Would it be easier and less stressful to decline? Or would you be prepared to suck it up for DH (assuming he wants to go?).

Make you decision based on the pleasure you will both get from the event. SiL does not get to dictate what you wear, so don't give it another thought. Exactly what would she do on the day? Get a bouncer to chase you out for inappropriate attire?

Given your uodate regarding dh's relationship with them, it's Laurel and Hardy outfits for you +dh - with moustache.
Or 2 of the spice girls - with wigs.
See sil face then flounce out.

Or have a lovely day out and post pics on fb.

OP with your update, I honestly think you and your DH should both keep away from this toxic lot, at the wedding and beyond. What positives do they bring into your lives? And even more importantly, what positives do they bring to your DC's lives? Children are like little sponges, and if there is even the vaguest of undertones that they are 'second-rate' relatives, they will pick up on it .

And re your mother dying after years of a bad relationship with her, the problem (imo) is that you are carrying guilt that probably isn't warranted. Most people, if they possibly can, will get along with their mother. If it were impossible for you to do so, the chances are there were good reasons for that and it's not your fault

Don't feel you have to be sitting ducks for all the abuse being fired at you from your in-laws to appease yourself somehow.

Man's perspective?

The OP posted about a (odious) Bridezilla and her outrageous demands.

Instead of advising her to tell her to go fuck herself (the obvious answer) many of you have berated the OP's husband for a variety of reasons - including some occsions where the DH's actions were wrongly judged.

It's just strange for a site that champions strong independent women to have so many posts putting the onus of sorting a woman's problems onto a man.

Nothing to see here. Carry on....

She sounds horrible. I wouldn't go.

I'd decline the invite
Nobody wants you there, (sorry to be blunt) they are setting you up for a lot of hurt and humiliation
Take the power away from them.

It's just strange for a site that champions strong independent women to have so many posts putting the onus of sorting a woman's problems onto a man.

Nothing to do with him being a man. Everything to do with it being his sister.

He’s known his sister his entire life. The OP is unlikely to have known her for more than a few years. It’s his family so he should deal with it.

Equally, if a bloke had posted saying that his wife’s sister wanted him not to wear a wig for her wedding, then it would be up to the wife to address it with her sister.

Why should he deal with it?

She should grow a set and deal with it herself

@Loughers Not at all. It's HIS sister. His wife comes first; if his wife is upset because of his sister's actions, I would expect him to be the one to tell his sister to fuck off.

Oh, and I'm a man but didn't feel the need to do "man's perspective" shit

I disagree Shatner - I was raised to deal with my problems myself rather that ask someone else to - but hey that's just me.

My partner would never ask me to deal with an issue that affected her - support, be there, reinforce yes - deal with - no

@Loughers She didn't ask him. And she shouldn't need to ask him. He should have her back (and it sounds as if he has from clarification). In other areas I might agree, but with a family occasion like a wedding and we know what they are like, family dynamics would suggest - especially with this family and bearing in mind the SIL and she don't get on - that the blood relative might take the lead.

Absolutely outrageous, I can't believe what I've just read!

No one tells you what to wear or if you can wear your wig. You're not a bridesmaid where she would have a reason to ask for dress code. You invite the person not the wardrobe!!

Glad your DH is sticking up for you. Your ILs sound deeply unpleasant. Are you sure you and DH want to go? Make sure you all buy her a shit wedding present ( synthetic fushia wig?! /Book on etiquette) 😂😂

I wouldn't go. There is no reason why they would not want you to wear a wig other than to make you feel embarrassed or upset. Don't put yourself through this.

Shatner I never realised you were a man! Don’t know why that has surprised me

Anyway, sorry for slight derail...

OP - your SIL sounds utterly mean. The wig request is unreasonable, as is telling you what you can and cant wear. Is she extending this to other guests not part of the wedding party? If so, then she is a total bridezilla. If not, then she's just a really quite unpleasant person.

You have no obligation to say yes to any of these utterly bonkers demands or even to go to the day.

I'd honestly be saying no I won't be doing that.. I am insecure about my hair and if I'm being told what I can and can't do wear and dictated to when not even a party of the wedding party then I won't be coming.

No way would I ever let someone control me like that who the fuck does she think she is!

Just don’t go. How will your life be improved or enriched by the experience?

It took me ages to work it out but I now don’t spend any time with people who make me feel bad about myself.

Tell your DH he can go if he wants and leave it there. Do something nice with the kids.

I wouldn't let the wedding photos and who is in what bother you though. It's her wedding and she can decide that, even if she's being downright nasty. As even if you are in certain family party photos who says she or PIL will order/buy those? Just get your own photos taken during the day, of you, DH, your DCs and nice DSIL/DBIL as your memory from the wedding party. Put that one in your album. Another family member can take them for you.

Lol at the PP who said DH will have plenty of opportunities to be at his (D)Sis's next weddings! (Unless her stbDH is as unpleasant as her....)