To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

Hey OP bless you ....this is sibling rivalry at its best i think....your little boy was used to being number one and now he isnt he has to share mum and dad with his sisters...only he cannot process that and tell you..he is being naughty as a way to get attention ...I know you are exhausted and really heartbroken by this but it wont last for ever I promise you...I had something similar and found that the approach that worked best was super involvement and loads of praise ,,,easier said than done when your tearing your hair out I know!!! So now we enter extra special big boy plan....big boy is really kind and he has to help his sisters by showing then how kind and wonderful he is....big boy does not get sent to naughty step for a week and he helps mummy by passing the nappies and making his sisters laugh and he needs to be so super involved by your side he is feeling on top of the world...millions of thank yous millions of hugs ...it might take 10 mins to do a job you could do yourself in 2 mins but the point is he feels special ,,,loved and very important...let him pour cereal in a bowl and milk or butter some toast ...it will be a mess and a disaster but no one can do it like him and mummy is so happy smiley and pleased he has helped he gets a special biscuit....the way you interact with him is key too....he will now be so used to angry mummy that will be normal to him....your tone of voice and facial expressions are vital..be happy to see him again not easy,,,but it will work...bet you he responds really well....let him sing to your girls quietly as a special big brother helping mummy get then to sleep so when they are the two of you can do something special like watch a dvd together and have a cuddle....might not make sense this like why should bad behaviour be rewarded but its not that...its training him to think that if i am good i make mummy happy and then i am happy if you get my drift....he sounds to me like a bright little boy,,,he has to be cos he has you figured out!!!!! i e loads of attention all be it the wrong sort he hasnt figured that bit out yet! he gets loads of attention by being destructive ...it needs channelling the right way now.....today re set your mind set and start again....make him so involved and so proud wanted and needed by asking him to help and explain why ..cos he is special and the time has come where he can really help mummy.....give it ago and i am sure with patience you will see positive results....he is older too you can see how he is kicking off going to bed first...why should he ? he was there first!! So maybe if he was a super good boy who helped mummy if he could listen to mummy he could stay up when his sister had gone to bed if he could promise mummy he could be quiet when going to sleep/....can you imagine how grown up and special he will feel by such a simple thing .....it all sounds wishy washy clap trap I know but it can work I promise you ....good luck ....

Could you cook dinner at 6pm when your DP is home from work?

Said he was going to the toilet but fucking opened the front door and ran out of the house!!!! Gp doesn't have any appointments until Thursday but I've got the meeting at the nursery so can't go, hv isn't answering. I don't know what else to try 😓
Going to read the thread and see what bits I can actually use, I need desperate help. I know

Claw not really, as my son won't have eaten anything since 2pm? Seems quite a long time, especially as he goes to bed at 7

Cook dinner, while your son is at nursery? Then just warm up later?

Cook enough to freeze a batch, for another day?

OP most family's have a working parent and multiple children it's ludicrous for anyone to blame this on the fact your husband works or sibling rivalry. It's absolutely not either of these things. My DS was quite similar to this with my other DS although not to this extent. I have battled for years for a diagnosis from CAMHS as his behaviour got worse at school. He is now a teenager and no longer lives with me as I simply couldn't cope. Please don't let it get this bad. For the record my other DC are little angels, never in trouble. Please don't blame yourself x

BTW OP, it occurs to me to wonder how often you all get outdoors for your son to get a really good run/play and get him tired out?

I'm not suggesting this is a major factor, but my 4 year old needs a HUGE amount of exercising to keep him bearable. If your 2nd child crawling coincided with the arrival of the 3rd child, has his active outdoor time been massively curtailed since?

OP, this really isn't your fault or the result of anything you or your husband is doing wrong. Kids across the country have similar boundaries to yours and their kids don't respond like your son.

The more you describe him, the more it seems that he has a desperate need to control everything and anyone in his home environment. It does sound like it's something more than just bad behaviour.

It sounds like you are doing an incredible job in what is an extraordinary and horrendously difficult situation OP. It is NOT just jealousy, there is far more to it than that, and it’s NOt your parenting which sounds absolutely great. I don’t know what it is, but you need professional support, make sure you tell the GP or whoever just how bad it is. Be calm as you tell them so they will hear what you say and not just see your emotions (what I mean is, don’t get defensive or anything, make sure you communicate well). Your sons behaviour is totally extreme and it is not your fault. You need support. You’re going to be ok

OP I know how you feel; I had this for years and years and it almost split me and DH up.

You need help- have you got any parenting classes near you?
something like this

www.theparentpractice.com/

www.natural-flair.com/parenting

Google your area .

You need strategies. I get what you say about locking your son out of the kitchen, but maybe YOU need to work round this in the short term. I know this would be hard, but could you prepare the dinner/ tea when he is at nursery so you only have to reheat or finish it off later?

Can you make it a rule that no one except maybe the baby is allowed in the kitchen when you cook?

You need to break the cycle of bad behaviour= mum reacts= attention for me.

You also need RL support from other mums or experts like the workshops etc above.

If you want to PM me with your location I may know of people as it's my field.

Going to read the thread and see what bits I can actually use

Try not to dismiss things out of hand. Some might be difficult or take a while but they are worth trying. I don't think there will be a quick fix and you have to be prepared for that.

WRT dinners, can you batch cook or make double of some things so that there are quick meals ready? It probably takes the same amount of time to make a big batch of some stuff as it does to make one.

Just from reading your post it sounds like some sort of issue .. def a PDA type of disorder . You sound like you are trying your best which doesn't fall in line with a naughty child . Has he already been like this or is it just since the other 2 came along ? He does sound very jealous of the babies so it could just be that . My son has special needs but is very well behaved so it doesn't always go hand in hand but obvs my son doesn't have pda etc .
Please ask your gp To refer you to a developmental paediatrician and they will test him to see if there are any issues that medication can help with or refer you to someone who can help you.
Please safeguard your dd though because if he has some sort of sn he won't really comprehend his actions if he hurts her . I wouldn't Leave them sharing a room .

Ah I feel really sorry for you, my DS5 can be challenging and went through a stage of being aggressive. I was advised to praise any bit of good behaviour , literally any little thing in a really happy tone. For example if he puts his trainers on himself 'well done you have done that so quickly' Holds your hand walking down the road ' Im so happy we are walking nicely together.' Plays on his own even for 2 mins - a big hug and ' wow look at you playing nicely thats fantastic'. I know it sounds over the top and a bit daft but it could help. My son was also very well behaved at school.

You sound exactly like my cousin, she had a lovely little boy, when he was two she had another lovely little baby boy. The first boy from then on was the bad one, she would spend her whole day telling off her first son who was little more than a baby himself and cuddling the baby and telling him he was perfect. She told everyone that first boy was a horrible devil child, sat him on the naughty step constantly. Guess what, he wasn't keen on his new sibling at all after all that. Her excuse, she's tired baby is lovely and laid back, older boy is just horrible and hard work. She told everyone this in the older boys hearing.

Eventually he fell in with the wrong crowd at school and she got him sent away to a special boarding school (they had to pay for this). He has actually grown up to be a nice hard working young lad, he had a baby very young (craving love and attention).

The younger brother who was the Special Wonderful Boy, spends his life on drugs and doesn't work. He suffered massively seeing his older brother demonised and sent away.

I think you need to give your older son, love and attention ALL THE TIME. Make him feel he hasn't been replaced by a new and better baby.

Sibling rivalry apparently feels to a baby like your husband bringing home another woman who is better than you, nicer and your husband lavishes them with attention and ignores you. Yes you have to give the baby more attention because they are small and can't look after themselves.

The most successful sibling relationships I have seen have been when the parent has given the older sibling loads of attention constantly when baby is born and baby has just been fed, loved and left to watch what is going on with Mum and older sibling who then interacts with baby in a much more positive manner because they haven't been pushed out because a new baby has come along.

I have a middle child that is aggressive and attention seeking. Until I had space she shared with me on a small bed of her own. It might work if your son is in with you and his Dad. It will protect your daughters and give him the closeness and attention he seems to be seeking. If he is banned from the girls room they have a safe space. I also have to find things to praise and treat when not earned (although not if actively misbehaving) as otherwise there would be no positives in her life.

Can I please stress that in all my years as a ed professional, qualified with kids with ASD and ADHD, professional help is not always or ever the answer.

I full hear the posters on here suggesting it.

But the difference is this is a HOME issue. It doesn't mean the OP is a poor parent.

It's really hard to step back and see what needs to change. But the changes have to come from the adult.

First, it's making the home safe- so front doors that maybe have a lock high up so a child can't run off, making dinners when they are out- all short term measures to try to avoid things happening.

THEN changing your own behaviour, no matter how hard that seems.

Give your son more cuddles, make him feel special.

Batch cook is a brilliant idea.
I'm not going to dismiss it, I feel like nobody else has helped and so I will take it on board.
On the weekends we walk loads,I don't drive so we walk everywhere but at the weekends we will take time to get to a woods/hill and just go for a hikey picnic.
He is out for two classes before nursery, then nursery for 3 hours, more often than not we will attempt a walk into town/to the park if it's warm

This might have nothing to do with your parenting, or the siblings or anything. If you son has autism or ADHD then this would have happened anyway, the siblings just throw other factors in the mix.
How verbal is he? What is he saying to you about how he feels?
You haven't said much about what sort of things he says to you - for example when he bangs toys together and your DD looks at him, then he runs away. If you sit down and ask him gently about that, what is his explanation for that?

That sounds like loads of exercise - it won't be that then.

It sounds like he’s really struggling with having a sibling, especially if she’s with you all the time and he gets limited time with you around nursery. I also wonder if you’ve got stuck in a cycle where he wants your attention but mostly gets negative attention by acting out? Can you consistently fit in some time to do something with him each day, without his sister around? Just to read a book or do a jigsaw or whatever he likes to do?

@strawberry and others - I know you are trying to make the OP feel better by saying it’s nothing she’s doing as a parent, however I very much worry that you are going to undermine the only route to changing this around - which unfortunately is her as the parent. It’s not to say she’s being bad now (overwhelmed yes) - it’s to say that even with professional help, the main person to manage this is her as parent. She needs to change, not because she needs berating, but because her life and her kids daily lives need that to happen.

No professional is going to step in and do that work. They will advise, hopefully. But not do it.

OP, take it from me, read the posts giving practical suggestions for you as a parent to do things a bit differently. It’s really tough to have to up your game, but nothing will get bette until you do.

Good luck and believe you can do it. You can!

He sounds like my younger sister behaved when she was that age. She ended up in prison for GBH with intent. Please get some help before it's too late.

It sounds like a terribly difficult time but this seems to been going on for a couple of years now he is clearly acting out in some sort of jealousy or emotionally feels threatened do you ever do anything just with him does he get any positive encouragement? Does he do any activities structured activities ?

This is going to be really harsh but why on earth did you have a third child and bring further demands on your time into the mix especially if your husband is not around much to help ? He sounds deeply unhappy

The Explosive Child is a good book - you can also get the audio version. I also have an almost 4 yr old live wire. We are coping at the moment because we only have him so he doesn't have to compete for attention, we can literally focus on him and wear him out at the weekend - you have 3, that is bloody hard.

How many days is he in nursery? Can you up his hours? He sounds bored and you sound exhausted.

Could you also put your two yr old into nursery on a day when your son is home with you, therefore you get some real quality time with him?

Also, you need some time for yourself. This is vital! Your husband needs to step up and take the children for a few hours each morning or afternoon at the weekend. You deserve a break too because you cannot sustain this.

Ive only read up to page 6 so apologies if I’ve missed something. Your son does sound very angry. I think it could be for attention also.

To me it does sound like you need to rethink your rules and boundaries. Kids thrive off boundaries. I’d suggest all of you sit to eat together, a 17 month old is perfectly capable of sitting at a table for all of her meals. If she doesn’t like to sit still then she misses meals. After a few times of this she will sit still. How do you expect your ds to sit still at Burger King when he doesn’t have to at home?

I’ve forgotten how old your baby is, but if she’s older than 6 months I’d be putting her in with her sister and your ds can sleep with you. You need to keep your other children safe from him and the excuse of he will scream if he is not next to her just doesn’t cut it. He screams because he knows you will give in. When my dc used to use this tactic out and about I would make them sit on the cold pavement until they were ready to carry on. If they ran off the wrist strap would come back. If they didn’t want to use that then they didn’t go out. I understand that you are exhausted and overwhelmed I really really do but to me it sounds like your dh needs to step up and be more supportive and that together you spend a few weeks really focusing on getting things back on track. Could your dh take some time off work whilst you try?

I’d also be looking at groups in the children’s centres if you have them. Also look into homestart who may be able to help. The children’s centre often allocate a worker to go through behaviour strategies on a 1:1 basis so try that. And keep trying your HV.

I wish you luck.