To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

I feel for you OP you sound exhausted. I also have experience in this area and agree you really do need a referral. Obviously no one can diagnose here but to me it does sound like there may be an underlying reason for your DS behaviour. IF this does turn out to be the case then often reward charts, marbles in jar, naughty step are useless. It might be useful to read around the subject of autism and adhd and use some the techniques suggested.

I agree that life must seem very unpredictable for your DS at the minute, it's worth doing as others have said and try to enforce some routines that are identical every day. Food=table. Hitting=tv off. Whatever it might be, consistency is key.

@stressedmumOf3

Hear me out. I feel for you.

I had much the same with my two DCs where one would provoke the other non stop.

Looking back, I now see it as jealousy and insecurity - the older one, when the new sibling arrived.

It's attention-seeking behaviour.

Although it's counterintuitive, what you need to do is offer your son MORE love and attention.

Excluding him and punishing him will confirm his fears of being unwanted and '2nd place'.

I had years and years of what you are having and consulted lots of experts, psychologists, etc. No one had any consistent answers.

Looking back I see the answer was simple- more cuddles, more time for the elder child, less anger from me, etc.

You must be exhausted. I really recommend calling the GP today and saying your family is in crisis and you child has a mental health emergency - just to try get your foot in the door. Then tell them everything you have told us and have a good cry.

I think there is so much going on for you there that we could have an idea to tackle one little thing but a professional with a bigger picture is better placed to advice.

my amateur opinion is to focus on sleep as your first issue though.

Your son sounds a lot like my nephew. He is on the spectrum. He goes to a specialist school.

He broke 4 tablets in 6 weeks because he didnt like what was on it. He's thrown things at TV's.

At school though, he's an angel.

OP I know it’s hard but everyone is trying to help. My DS was very hard work, lively, misbehaved, and I had to really think a lot about my own parenting and what I needed to do differently. You are not a bad parent, you just need to change things. I know it’s a hard thing to do but what choice is there? You can’t carry on as things are. Your children need you. Parenting really is the hardest job in the world

Start with a change of bedrooms. You share with the girls and dad with your son. He won't get far trying to wake dad up with aggression and if he's out to work early anyway so 4am won't matter. That way you can shut the door and let them wake up in the morning of their own choice not your son's.
You get to bed as early as you can. It sounds like you need it and once you start getting more sleep you'll have a fresher head to deal with this.
At the weekend get someone (grandparents etc) to look after the girls for a couple of hours and get out with dp and ds somewhere where he can run around and burn off energy- not soft play unless you are going in with him but an opportunity to get mummy and daddy time.

It's a difficult time for children when they're working out their position in the pecking order. Make sure you spend quality time with your son so he doesn't feel insecure and doesn't need to display attention seeking behaviour. Occasional love bombing sometimes helps. Hoodie's idea of showing them their good side is a good plan too alongside laying firm boundaries.

OP, if you come back, one thing that jumped out at me was that all your one on one /treat time with him seems to be outside your house.

If he’s jealous - and it sounds like he is - and he knows he only gets sustained attention outside the home, then it might not be helping with the associations he has at home, IYSWIM?

Another point- make sure your child who is misbehaving gets attention from you so they don't need to misbehave to get attention.

Kids can't ask for what they need; their only way to be noticed is often to wind their parents up and be naughty.

It's easy for us as adults to think 'why is he behaving like that and how does he think that will make me love him more etc' but he's a child.

you need to reach out, have special 1-1 time with him and make him feel secure.

I wish I could turn back the clock- I did everything wrong!

My dc were the same and I started to get very worried when they were 4/5. They now have multiple diagnoses including adhd and are in special schools although it was a long road.

However my dc were even worse in school so that’s the bit that’s odd to me although some posters are talking about ‘masking.’

My dc could never be in the same room together unsupervised.

I do have every sympathy, OP. I was a bloody amazing parent until DS2 came along. Turned out that I just had an amazingly easy first child :) DS2 required different parenting, as did DD when she came along (and I was a single parent by then). It's tough.

It's not about being a "bad" parent or even doing things wrong, it's about finding the right way that works for a particular child and the family. What you are doing currently isn't working so you need to find a different way. There are some basics that probably work for most falsies like firm boundaries and routines but a lot of parenting is trial and error.

Falsies?. FFS autocorrect, what are you doing? FAMILIES.

That is not true, some children can be excellent at masking.
They can be explosive at home but a delight in school. I know from experience.

This - my child is much older and has similar behavioural patterns. She is less violent now because of the consequences (no phone). It is so so hard. We've done CAMHS and private therapy which helped a bit.

Just sending you empathetic hugs

I’m no expert but to me he sounds furiously jealous and enraged by sibling rivalry to the point where he can’t control his negative behaviour. Really shit for you but sibling jealousy is fierce and real for a small child.
You should focus on protecting your others, praising him like crazy when he does anything you like, being extremely firm and consistent with his sanctions. And maybe try speaking for him if he can’t articulate how angry he feels. “I think you are cross and upset that I have to spend time looking after your sister” - that kind of thing, so that he feels that you “see” and acknowledge him and his rage.

100% agree with Slowox you need to protect your two small ones asap before they are seriously hurt

My daughter breaks everything, she has ASD, she doesn’t display any of the other behaviours your ds does, she avoids people and attention.

I would say it’s more of an attention seeking thing or possibly ADHD (I’m no expert but worth looking into). Push for a GP appointment, write all of your concerns down and record everything he does in a diary. It does sound like he’s struggling with having 2 younger siblings and is doing all he can to get attention wether it’s good or bad attention.

the fact he behaves well at school is important.

It shows he knows boundaries.

When it's in the home only, it's a family issue.

I am not keen on the labelling route. There is imo an over diagnosis of ADHD ( and I speak as a professional who worked with these children).

Even if he has ADHD or is on the AS, his behaviour at home still needs managing. Unless you go down the Ritalin route, there is not a lot a diagnosis can do.

A diagnosis of ADHD is very hard in reality as it's down to the parent to note behaviour and it's all subjective.

I was convinced my DC had ADHD but with hindsight I can see it was my bad parenting that was causing the issues.

I don’t agree with the advice to constantly be giving out punishments/ consequences as the negative atmosphere adds to the bad behaviour and you would have a whole day of him targeting his sister and you shouting at him to sit on the naughty step. That is no way to live.

If it’s adhd he will have poor impulse control so he will not be able to stop just because he was on the step 5 minutes before.

My nephews both have ASD - one has Aspergers and the other is on the spectrum. They both displayed a lot of the characteristics you described, mostly due to an almost total lack of empathy and a desire to push buttons and 'see what happened'. If they disliked someone they'd have no problem with hurting them, though not usually helpless people, more kids their age.

How is he with physical contact and offering affection?

I've got to say though, neither of my nephews displayed the rather cruel streak your DS is currently showing, so I think a professional intervention sooner rather than later would be advisable. Good luck OP, I know you're doing the very best you can in very challenging circumstances

I'm not going to tell my dd to sit at the table or no food, She won't understand that. She likes to roam about and should be free to do so.

This says so, so much about your parenting style, much more than anything else you've written. Choose any style you like, and if it works, fantastic. If it doesn't work, you need to re-think.

The naughty step - works fantastically well, but you're doing it wrong - if he's complaining, the timer goes back to zero, don't leave him to do damage to walls etc, go back, tell him not to damage the wall, then reset to zero. It's not just a 4 minute sit down, it needs to be still and quiet, and keep at it until it is. Ditch the 'step' and make it anywhere you choose to seat him - that way it will work wherever you are.

Sit dd at the table, she's a person not a dog - or let her have the freedom to roam around and write another thread about her in a couple of years.

Stop locking your son out of the kitchen, it's a horrible and cruel thing to do, so upsetting to read.

No-one is blaming your DH for working, it just doesn't give you much 'time off' doing a bloody hard, repetitive, tiring job.

You need help to get basic parenting in place, or you just need to accept that the freedom to roam, eat on the floor etc etc will deliver a child that won't recognize the need to sit at the table and behave in Burger King. It really is your choice.

To me it sounds like his behaviour is motivated by anxiety and a need to control any situation he's in. It doesn't matter if the outcome is bad, so long as he's the one who caused it. That's why he's ok breaking his own things, as long as it's his choice. Your daughter learning to crawl is a threat because now she can have an impact on his environment.

I'm not sure how to move past that situation, apart from maybe creating a "safe space" for him where she isn't allowed to enter and he can control that environment, instead of the whole family home.

Also agree with others your DS and DD shouldn’t be sharing a room - it’s too dangerous that he’s unsupervised with her overnight. His behaviour is escalating and he could hurt her really badly. Just until you get things sorted.
Put DS in with DH and you share with girls. But don’t make the change seem like a punishment, or he will be even more resentful. Maybe make it a ‘oh we thought it would be fun for you to be in with Daddy for a while’ - also it might strengthen their relationship?

I hear you OP. Sounds so much like my oldest child it isn’t funny. I also have three close in age. Your story is my story! People who have kids who respond to normal tried and tested parenting techniques have No. Fucking. Idea. At my worst moment, I did the PPP course. That was enlightening because I quickly realised that I was already doing all of the recommended best practice methods. I was actually a loving, firm, consistent following-through every single bloody time Mum. In fact, I was a goddam uber Mum. And it made not one scrap of difference with my NT son. Angelic at Kindy and school and nightmarish at home. The only thing that has made any difference was time. He is seven now and every day gets better as he has grown and has the ability to manage his emotions and behaviour better. I firmly believe that nothing I did led to this improvement. You sound like a great Mum and I am not suggesting you disregard all of the advice in this thread. I just want you to know that you are not alone and I understand how disheartening it is when people immediately assume it must be a parenting issue. I am here to tell you that you can be the best parent on Earth and still have a child that won’t respond to anything you do. A wise friend said to me once that some children are harder to parent than others. Sounds like you have one of the hard ones! I would love to give you a magic solution but that would be a lie. For my NT son, it was time. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Stop locking your son out of the kitchen, it's a horrible and cruel thing to do, so upsetting to read.So then what do you suggest I do? I have to cook dinner, I have to make sure all my children are safe. It's fucking upsetting to do. Most of my dinners contain my fucking tears. If I let them all be in the same room he will just hit her or push her, even the baby. I have no other option otherwise nobody eats

Could he have discovered the most sure-fire way of getting your attention? Sometimes kids don’t care if it’s negative or positive.