To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

Its your son who is a danger to himself and others. He is one who needs supervising, as oppose to guarding the others from him.

Wait for him to fall asleep first?

When my son was younger, he would wander the house at night, looking for ways to hurt himself.

He had a CAMHS safety plan in place, which included removing anything he could hurt himself with ie knifes, scissors, tablets etc.

I had to put a bed in my room and take him in with me. He would wait until I was asleep, then sneak out.

I had to get a door alarm.

OP you have had such a tough time on here, and you've been through so much already.

It's almost impossible to see the wood for the trees once you get to this position.

I agree with those who say take baby steps.

My (probably not useful) suggestions are:

Persevere with DD in a separate room to him. It will take time but it will settle down and get easier.

GP visit for DS and one for you. You need support and your GP may be able to help.

Increase DS's nursery hours, and, if you can afford it, can DD go as well? You might then get some time to catch up on sleep etc.

I know sure start etc thought your son was too hard work, would they come back to help with your DD instead? One less child to look after at least gives you some more space in your head.

Do you have friends who can come over, either day or night? Even if they aren't interested in kids, you need some adult conversation.

I assume you have a double pram for the girls. Not sure what type of pram, but can you buy a baby carrier for the baby, and then put DS and DD in the pram. He can't run away then, which should make walking easier for you.

Hugs, you are doing a great job x

I’m suggesting this but I’m being honest in saying I don’t know if it’s the done thing. My cousins had a ds who would wonder the house at silly o clock, get everyone up, get up to mischief in the kitchen and bathroom etc.

They put a lock on the top of the kitchen door, bathroom door and one parent slept in the same room as him, and they put it on the top of the bedroom door. It was normally dad who slept in with him, and he played up for the first couple of weeks, but soon learnt that he could get up but go nowhere or do anything, and would go back to sleep. Dad was also firmer with him than mum, and he listened to him more, hence dad went in, until he had to get up for work, which was the time mum was getting up anyway.

I just want to scoop you up and give you a hug.

My ds has adhd/asd and didn't sleep till he was 7 - it can get better honestly.

Where are you in the country ? Maybe someone can help ?

OP you are saying you’ve started off with a shit day.

Can I point something out?

Ds got up, yes he played up a bit, but you told him to go back to bed and he did and he’s still asleep.

You may not think it, but that’s something positive that’s happened. He done as he was told. Maybe not immediately. Maybe with some tears. But he did it.

You need to start looking at these positives no matter how small they are. Concentrate on these and how many of them you get in a day.

fighting SS told me I wasn’t allowed to put a lock on my bedroom door, in case of a fire! I had to take it off and use a door alarm. (Although they wouldn’t give me any respite!)

what is the point of doing this?

Honestly the night has been a success. I’m not sure why you can’t see that? You kept your daughters safe. He went back to bed. I’m surprised he was pretty compliant really, he’s doing well.

I meant what is the point of him waking her up?
No I don't see any positive, yes he went back to bed but not before crying loud enough to wake young dd, slamming his door and then throwing things at his door.
He shouldn't of woke dd to begin with. It's like he seeks her out just to be an arse towards her

And no it's not been a success, my dd is exhausted, she barely gets to sleep as it is. She's had months of this already and separating them is doing nothing

I give up OP. You’ve had a lot of good advice. Improving the situation is a success, and you were taking the steps to do that, and your son actually went back to bed without too much. So that is a success.

Keeping your daughter safe is pretty important, isn’t it?

You are going to sabotage everything with your attitude. So I’m out of here.

It sounds as if you're all being sucked into a downwards spiral of misery, try and take a tiny step towards climbing out by praising him for returning to bed and going back to sleep. Then straight away while he's feeling good, ask him to do a tiny thing for you - pick something up/open a door, anything, and another positive.

I understand what you mean, but it's hard to see it as a positive because both my dds were woken in the process.
Phoned the GP, they had an appointment today but because they don't see it as a medical problem there's no actual appointment for me until Tuesday

And when he came down stairs this morning, before even saying morning he picked up a toy, threw it at my young dd sitting in her bouncer.
It's things like this I don't get. I can't remove all the toys because then my dds have nothing to play with?

Separating them has stopped your dd being attacked while she sleeps! That’s a success!

If your son had one of you in his room, he wouldn’t have got out the bedroom to kick the cot and disturb your dd.

The thing is OP is as hard as it is, whatever you decide you do you need to try it with some consistency first. Kids can be sensitive to change, and you need to see it from his point of view too. Anything you decide to do to improve the dynamic you currently have needs to be trialled consistently for a period of time - you can’t judge a change on day 1.

OP what would you like him to do when he comes down in the morning?

Be straight on it! Like the example I gave about jumping on the floor.

So morning ds, come and give me hug. Take him by the hand, lead him to the table, sit there while mummy gets you some juice.

That kind of thing?

It’s just been two nights. Keep going. Keep consistent.

Honestly you need to keep consistent for fucking years.

Doctors for you woman. Get some support/ anti depressants. Make DP, friends/family aware of the fact you need help.

Stay strong .

@Claw001 I understand. That’s why I said I was unsure where things stood with regards to locks on doors- thanks for clarifying!

I know it’s hard to see the positives. But you must try and look for them. If you can see you are having a small victory no matter how small, it will remind you that things are going in the right direction.

Please remember that strategies you start using, boundaries you put in place etc probably won’t have an immediate affect. You will have to go over and over them again and again before you see them working. Also it’s about finding the right strategies for him.

But the key thing is to keep doing them as reinforcement is key, don’t give in 2 weeks down the line because it hasn’t worked.

Ideally, come in and sit down. Usually I will be attending to the girls so he doesn't get breakfast right away especially considering it's very early.
But if I ask him to sit down he will just have a tantrum.
Perhaps I need a different morning strategy but more often than not I am attending to one of the girls :/

One last thing, you said he woke both dd’s. I’m sure if you read through the threads there are a lot of parents that have the same problem. One of their dc wakes the others. So you aren’t on your own. It’s not only your ds that is doing it. So sometimes his behaviour isn’t ds’s ‘behaviour’ it’s just behaviour that children of that age sometimes display.

I'm not sure what I'm missing here, but your son is overwhelmed, jealous and unable to process his emotions. He is doing what most do, ( adults) he feels pissed off so takes his crap out on others.
You just said he saw his sister and chucked something at her because he doesn't want her there.
When you are spending time with him is it alone? You said when you cook you cook with the girls locked
Away because he's so bad.
The more he's pushing the worse
It's also getting for him but he doesn't understand. All dc act weird at times because they don't think like us, and from what I've read he has been acting this was for so long even when
He gets time with you he doesn't know how to act and still gets jealous that your given attention else where ( ordering food)
He needs therapy and so do you. So dc deal with more siblings, but others don't and your dc isn't at all.
I feel that the worse it gets the more you want to run and hide, Which is understandable because this is your life. The issue is are you spending too much time with the dd's, not only because of bf but because they aren't causing this crazy and you have to protect them.

Wow, you have my sympathy OP as this sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. However, you are going to have to start taking advice onboard rather than just saying I'm not doing that.

1. You need to get a proper table and chair set up. Both your DDs need to be in high chairs. Mealtimes should always be at the table unless it's a rare occasion and it's picnic on the floor time. You are the parent so you decide where they sit. Put DDs on one side and DS on the other so he can't catch their hands. At nursery he will be used to sitting at a table for mealtimes.

1. Increase his hours at nursery. He enjoys it there so just increase the hours.

1. Cut out all activities at weekend (in addition to increasing nursery hours). No more classes, he clearly can't cope with them right now. Same with soft play. Instead, you do an activity with him at home just 1-1 like play-doh, painting, jigsaws, whatever. He's not going to come around the first day but he will. Or go to the park with him / go out to your garden if you have one / go for a walk and blow some bubbles.

1. Your DP needs to get his head out of his arse. Threatening you by saying he's going to move out with DD is not a solution, he is being an inconsiderate and irresponsible twat. So his solution is to just fuck off and leave you to deal with DS? He is as much responsible for DS as you are.

1. Is DD1 at nursery? If not, start her at nursery. Then you'll have a few hours at home with just you and DD2 which will give you a bit more time to breathe.

1. Tell DP to take some time off so he can start pulling his weight with the DC. Then you can have a bit of a break. You need some respite yourself.

1. Phone the GP and tell them it is a medical emergency as he is harming your DD and you will just show up at the surgery today and not leave until you are seen.

1. You say you lock you and DDs into the kitchen when cooking so DS can't get in ... where is DS then when all this is happening? That to me is crazy, I can't imagine locking a 4yo out of the room. That is not a viable solution. Have you got a sling for DD2? You can pop her in sling, put DD1 in high chair with some crayons close to you and then tell DS to sit at table and get out some sticker books for him to do. Locking him out is not going to make things better.

Good luck.

Could you have a piece of fruit ready for him? A biscuit? A cup of milk? These you can get ready the night before easily.