To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

He would probably put dd into nursery or see if any family would help out. I'm not sure, haven't managed to speak about anything😓
His sister's were both c section births, I don't see why that would harbour any feelings toward them, he was only about two and a half when first dd came along

OP this sounds like a really hard situation. If I were you as well as pursuing a diagnosis I would be trying out parenting techniques for autism. They might be quite different to some of the things suggested on this thread. He's obviously getting stimulation from hurting your 2yo, I would be looking to direct him to something else if at all possible and also making the 'reward' minimal by not reacting and removing DD from the situation as quickly as possible. Running outside to feel the cold and hear a loud noise also sounds like sensory seeking to me.

Can I just ask without getting torn to shreds, is it actually normal for me to feel like he isn't listening to a single word I say?
For example, dd bed is now downstairs when he came down this morning he jumped on it
I calmly explained he cannot do that, might break it.
He did it again, so I said the above again, and told him if he did it again he would be sent to the step.
He did it again, so I sent him to the step. Then I got him back in, explained to him that you can't do that as it might break/dd needs her bed, go find something else to play with. He did it again, and repeat the whole thing two more times.
I honestly feel like it's going in one ear and out the other.
I know I know the step isn't working, but atm I'm limited in what to do. He doesn't appear to listen, or just acts like he doesn't care.

I found telling my son what I wanted him to do instead helped.

So we don’t jump on the bed, jump on the floor, let’s see how high you can jump on the floor. Yay wow that’s high etc.

Telling him what he can't do is very negative and it's hard not to do it, however you need to try and make things more positive if anything it will make you feel better.

So instead of don't do this don't do that, try, jumping on the floor is much better, show me how you can jump on the floor. Etc.

OP, I’ve read through the last 10 pages and it sounds to me as though you are depressed. It could be the stress from the situation but please seek help. I would really urge you to keep contacting your HV. If she’s not answering there should be someone there to talk to. Most areas have a duty HV to take calls in the absence of your named HV. Also I think you’d benefit from some early help, these are often led by the children’s centre staff and they will look at behaviour strategies, support for you and look at all of your needs as a family. It sounds like your DP is burying his head in the sand.

I do echo most posters though, you need to look at parenting and proper boundaries and routines. They will not diagnose anything without these at least having been tried. To me it sounds like the nursery meeting is very important so do prioritise that. Write down all of your concerns and feelings. You really do need more support. I suspect there’s a lot more history here but that’s not for us to dig into.

Probably stating the obvious, same principle, instead of don’t hurt dd, do you tell him to be gentle with dd? Show him what gentle actually means?

This possibily sounds odd, but did you actually say "do not jump on the bed' and 'get off the bed' without an explanation as to why?

I've watched my brother & sil create a monster by never saying 'no'. They always gave a long explanation that may as well have been blah blah blah. They have no control, it's all had to come from school, I feel sorry for the teachers.

Sometimes excited kids need simple instructions - my boys would've found a bed down stairs the most brilliant thing in the world aged 4. I wouldn't have bothered explaining why they couldn't jump on it - they're kids, they don't need an explanation every time, just clear direction. Later in the day (rather ironically usually at the meal table) we would chat about the bed breaking etc etc or anything else that had happened.

That is really really shitty and unsupportive of your partner. You are both parents to your son. He sounds like even when he’s around he doesn’t interact much with your son?

Oh my! I’ve just seen your update about your DP wanting to leave and take DD with him.

If he would put her into nursery or get family to help him, if he did. Why doesn’t he do that now, to help you!

I told him he will break it, I can't give long winded explanations as he will zone out. Jumping on the floor is a good idea, but I didn't think of that at 7am!

I mean stay and do that!

OP a missing piece in all of this isnt whether he is listening it is whether he is understanding.

I could listen to a poem being read out in french. I would hear it - I may even be able to repeat some of the words but I would not understand it at all.

That is what you need to start looking into - whether the understanding is there because from some of what you have said his responses are it sounds like it isnt there as much as it should be for 4.5 years

If so its not that he doesnt care it just he doesnt link the action and consequences together - which is vital in the approach you are using

Jumping on the floor is a good idea, but I didn't think of that at 7am!

You’ll have it for tomorrow! I swear half my standard lines with my kids are things I’ve picked up from friends or mumsnet.

It’s a good overall principle actually. Drawing on something he shouldn’t? ‘We don’t draw on walls, but I can see you really want to draw, so let’s get some paper and draw something amazing together.’ Tears a book? ‘That’s not how we treat books, but if you feel like tearing something let’s make some paper snowflakes /tear up paper to make confetti.’

You’re both setting the boundary and stopping the behaviour, but also diverting him to something constructive where you can show praise and love.

Agree with trying to redirect first. So, whenever he's doing something that you think is unacceptable, try and redirect him to something that you wouldn't mind. Jumping on floor is a good example. "The bed will break if you jump on it, if you want to jump do it on the floor". My ds had a stage of wanting to cut things with scissors ( trousers, rugs etc). I just endlessly repeated " trousers aren't for cutting, paper is". It's exhausting, but so is what you're doing now.

You've got to the point where you can't see the wood for the trees. Agree with trying to find a surestart centre if you can. They've pulled me through on more than one occasions, when I've turned up crying.

You need support so the first step is to reach out for help from people who can put a plan into place.

Good luck

I do echo most posters though, you need to look at parenting and proper boundaries and routines. They will not diagnose anything without these at least having been tried.

This is not correct! There is a diagnostic criteria. Assessment criteria. Although ‘bad parenting’ may escalate behaviour, it’s not the cause.

Your child either meets the criteria or they don’t!

OP this is a sad thread and I really feel for you all. I'm wondering if you're suffering from PTSD with the difficult birth of your last baby, hysterectomy and, as you have said, near death .

I have no advice to offer really other than please seek help asap and speak to someone, anyone who can lend an ear/help in the interim, then keep building on that. It sounds so hard and I really hope you get the help and support you need, you've obviously been through such a lot, and so young too

OP by telling him not to jump on the bed all he is hearing is ‘jump on the bed’

It’s like when an adult sees a sign saying ‘Don’t touch wet paint’ how many adults will still touch it just to see?

If someone says to you ‘don’t think of a polar bear’ what do you immediately think of? This is the same, he is not picking up on the word ‘dont’ he’s just hearing the rest.

You need to tell him what you want him to do instead- so pick him up off the bed, put him on the floor and say ‘how high can you jump on the floor?’ Take hold of his hands and jump up and down on the floor with him.

If he goes to get on the bed again, repeat the process.

You’ve said yourself he has speech problems. So he may not be fully understanding what you are saying. Plus turning things like this into a game, is giving you both the time to talk to each other, to hold hands, to laugh.

So calmly tell him what you want him to do instead (and this works for everything), and take him to it and do it with him. Don’t assume he understands what you mean. Tell him, take him to it, do it with him.

Just thinking on again about your ds , can you afford a private Ed psych? They can assess him in the home and give you an idea of any SEN .

Op I really feel for you. It shouldn’t all be on your shoulders to fix this, your partner needs to do his share. And that doesn’t mean running away with the easier one!

Some really good redirection ideas here. If he likes to jump, could you get him a mini trampoline? They are recommended for kids with ASD and ADHD. So you can say, "Oh, do you want to jump? Let's get your trampoline out!" (I had a mini trampoline in my 2 bed flat for DS, so it is doable.

If he tears a book, "Oh, you want to tear stuff? Let's tear paper!" Keep all the local newspapers/take away leaflets/catalogues that come through the door for tearing purposes. I did this with DS as well to stop him tearing at the wallpaper and carpet.

You acknowledge what he wants to do and don't say no, but direct him to a more appropriate outlet for it.

I've been thinking of you all day and now also think a GP appointment is needed for you too. The only time I ever wanted to give DS up and put him in care was when I was having a major depressive episode. I thought I wasn't a good mum to him, that someone else would raise him much better and he'd be better off without me. I also needed respite. The probldm is if you give him up, there's no guarantee you'd get him back.

That's bonkers. He can't ask 'family' (who don't seem to be around at the moment) to have your DD all day every day while he works. And nursery would cost close to £1k a month. Where's that money coming from? He isn't thinking straight. My worry is you'll be left with three young DC whilst your DP does what men often do when the going gets tough. I presume you're not married which makes you somewhat vulnerable financially too. Too much too young.
I hope things work out for you.

@stressedmum0f3

There's an awful lot of posts on here, but if you feel this may be ADHD or ASD etc, perhaps ask for strategies on the SEN boards?

Also check out the National Autistic Society's website:
www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/challenging-behaviour.aspx

I work with SEN children and feel the behaviour could be SEN but could also be other factors. The other factors could be exacerbating the SEN.

And a GP appt is a priority for you. You need to look after yourself too.

I agree with Claw.

Ask for family help with dd or put your dd in nursery now. Then start spending more time with your ds. I can't get my head around how little time you actually spend with him.

You spend less time with him than most full time working out of home parents.

You said at the beginning that you spend and 1.5 hours a day with him and on weekends on 3 hours.

You can't avoid him, he needs time with you. Have you noticed the number of posts saying that this sounds like a sibling rivalry issue? This means he has had his world disrupted and he wants to be with you.

Thank you for all the advice!
No we aren't married but due to be in March.
Dp has holidays booked for next month so hopefully we can get things in place and he can get some more time with him
.
I've spectacularly let him down, I need to change this. I want my little boy to feel loved and not pushed out