To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

@stressedmum0f3 we can all feel like that sometimes, at least I know that I do and I'm not 23 with 3 kids. You're doing the right thing by seeking help.

Please speak to health visitor / sure start / gp. You need to be in a good, healthy and strong place to be able to deal with addressing this.

You can help improve this situation.

OP, Fighting's post a few up thread, has a good point in it that I forgot about. I was advised by a support worker to issue sharp commands, and always what you WANT them to do, not what you DONT want them to do and use their name first. So "Bob, Walk please" rather than "please don't run Bob".

Using their name gets their attention and draws their attention to the command of what they should be doing.

"Bob, Off the bed now!" rather than "please don't jump on the bed Bob"

Although it does sound like your son does have more issues than slight behavoural problems, but until you can get some sort of assessment, you need to try and work with something.

DC was referred by the doctor to CAHMS, then the school referred them to the Ed Psych. Everything takes a lot of time though. Everyone keeps repeating Sure Start, but if you do have one in your area, they could be the break that you are looking for.

Your DP needs to pull himself together and work with you, to support you, to help with DS and to look after all of them. For him to suggest that he fucks off with DD is downright disgraceful. He may be fed up with it all too, but he is escaping to work every day.

I really hope that you can talk things through with him and work together on this

Good luck OP.

Why don't you buy one or two children's board books (thicker pages that can't be ripped) And read one to him every night. He might mess about at first, but he'll soon get used to it. He gets time with you, your attention, and get's to work on reading and language.

You can buy them second hand off amazon very cheaply. For example, The Very Hungry Caterpillar 2nd hand board book is £2.44 posted. SO the same as a coffee. He can't rip it, and it'll get you started on some routine, reading to him and special time.

My DD used to rip books in excitement (so annoying!) Now she loves books so much I use them as a threat, e.g. if you don't stop that you won't get any books before bed.

I have just skimmed the last few posts but i think you are saying too much. Giving him too many instructions. You were told by speech therapy to get on his level and give shorter commands. So say his name and a firm 'no' and remove him from the bed. Again and again and again. If his understanding is delayed he may not understand the longer explanation and the threat of the naughty step. Less language and simple instructions

Guess how much I love you - Board book is £2.42 second hand posted on amazon too.

It sounds like you need some support, you've really got your hands full. Try this organisation:

www.home-start.org.uk/

@stressedmumOf3

my high st is full of charity shops where you can pick up books for kids for pence, as well as toys and games. Also school fairs etc are a good source of these.

no need to buy new.

OP, I am really impressed at how you have stuck with this thread. There have been so many threads where I've seen good advice given, tough advice and the poster has flounced.

You've had a lot of advice and I know some of it will be tough for you to hear however you're still here, still talking and getting advice and that shows me how much you want to change this situation.

I don't think you want your DS in care, both of you deserve better than that and you can change it, it'll just take time and it will be hard.

You've had great advice which I can't add onto but you can do it. There are people to talk too and I agree with PP's - get a doctors appointment for yourself. Look after yourself too

Also agree with stopping breastfeeding if you feel like that would work for you - breastfeeding is hard work, and if you're having painful nipples it's one less problem if you stop.

Whispers . Baby might sleep better too heresy!

Another to recommend 'how to talk so little kids will listen' and also 123 magic. You said other people have recommended how to talk book but you don't think it will help because you've tried taking toys away etc. The book isn't about that sort of thing! Try it. Nothing to lose!

If you’re not getting anywhere with the HV then go to a drop in clinic (baby weigh in) and grab one there.

Having read the full thread, I'm astonished that you are still standing OP. You have virtually every possible stressful event going on in your life: surgeries and health problems, overcrowding at home, damaged family relationships, 3 children under 5, a recent birth, strained partner relationship, isolation and lonlieness, presumably shortage of money too. Its an absolute tragedy how little social support there is in these situations - and it costs society far more in the long term than it would to provide services now.

Anyway. My suggestion, FWIW, is to change tack and get some support for you, not your son. Spell out what you need to anyone you can. Have a full on crying fit in the GP's, the nursery, the hospital that did your surgery, or anywhere. Be honest that you are not doing well (and frankly who would?), even though you are coping, and ask for help. Take anything offered, tablets, classes, benefit checks, anything. The process of acknowledging the issues can be the first step to taking back control of your life.

@stressedmumOf3 my son was very similar to yours but he didn't have speech delay, in fact his speech was extremely advanced for his age. A few things that you have written have jumped out at me.
Social Communication
Speech delay, I'm also wondering whether his understanding is delayed.
Social Imagination
Inappropriate playing with toys, destroying books, throwing toys about, is there a lack of imagination?
Social Interaction
Hurting siblings or other people, running off, escaping from the house, lack of sense of danger.
Can you pinpoint other behaviours that can come under these three headings?

OP, your HV can do a lot for you and refer you for support but she cannot take your dc into care. Only social services or in a significant emergency the police can. Taking dc into care is a complicated process with lots of clearly laid out steps and a range of professionals are involved. It also involves going to court.
Try and get some healthcare support for yourself.

@stressedmumOf3

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. My DD went through a patch of sibling rivalry which was a fraction of what you’re describing and it almost broke me mentally. I think as a parent when you seeing your younger DC being hurt, there’s a very primal rage. At the same time it’s really hard to feel that rage for your own older DC. So mentally it’s so tough.

I hope you get the support you need. In the meantime, here are a few very small coping strategies which worked for me.

I think the key was that for us, DD1 could sense how upset/ frustrated I was with her, even if I controlled my words and actions, my expression and tone gave it away. These will make me sound like the worst mum in the world, but I’ve been where you’ve been so hopefully they might help you:

On the insides of my kitchen cupboards I stuck all my fave pictures of DD1. It was a physical reminder every time I opened the cupboards of how much I love her. It also helped her feel special

If DS2 ever broke or ruined anything of DD’s (small toys, sunglasses etc) I would buy a replacement the next day (sparklier if I could) and gift it from DS to DD.

Lots and lots of baths. I’d run a really nice hot bath, lots of bubbles, bath toys and maybe something special (bath crayons etc) and pop DD in. DS and I would sit nearby on the loo (lid down, sorry for TMI) and nurse, play and chat. DD was contained in the bath for half an hour or more and happy, i was supervising, DS was happy to chill w me.

Books: surely your DS can’t rip up board books? My DD was very anti books but what worked for us was to start w ‘interactive’ books. You know the ones with a puppet through the middle? She loved those. After a while she started following the story and we moved to pop up books, then slowly regular board books and now paper books.

Really hope things get better for you.

I've spectacularly let him down, I need to change this. I want my little boy to feel loved and not pushed out sad

OP This is the first time I think in this whole thread, that you have referred to your little boy in a loving, caring way, and showed concern for him. Rather than calling him a little shit, saying he’s weird, you want him gone and you want him put into care.

You’ve actually acknowledge that you have a little boy who is really struggling with not only his speech, his understanding, his emotions and his behaviour. But a little boy who may be dealing with things not yet diagnosed.

All he wants right now is to know that he’s loved, he’s safe and he’s cared for.

OP i think you should look back on this tread in a few weeks time to see how far you've come. You already sound like you are starting to see there are some steps you can take. There won't be an overnight miracle but little by little you can start to get in top of this. I too would stop exclusively breast feeding. You have to do something to ease the exhaustion if you're going to do this. And i wouldn't make any hasty decisions with your OH. If he sees you starting to take positive steps it will rub off. You are both just pushed to the limits

Fucking hell OP you’re amazing, you are coping with so much and you are doing your best.

Things will get better.

This will all pass x it will.

Well done for getting up everyday and trying to make things work. You are incredibly strong and you will be ok.

I've tried this. If I put her to bed first, then him he will go in and do whatever it takes to wake her up

Instead of filming him why not put the phone down and take charge.

If his sister is in bed asleep then why are you allowing him in his sisters room.
A routine should be in place.
Bath, pjs, a book and a talk.

He shouldn’t have any time to go into your dds room.

Although my Ds wasn’t violent to anybody else he didn’t see danger and so was a danger to himself.
I couldn’t take my eyes off him and couldn’t relax till he was in bed asleep.

You have had a lot of good advice but you do seem to make excuses.
Whilst you might have tried the things suggested, how long did you try for?

The hardest part of following a routine is following the routine yourself.

Yes he might have ADHD but a diagnosis won’t make any difference unless you and your dp put the work in.

Olivers they were sharing a room. The OP has now separated them.

OP, it is obvious you are exhausted with it all. But you have been given a lot of good advice on this thread.

You need to keep in mind that positive changes won't happen overnight. It will take a lot of work from you and your DP to make consistent changes to your parenting, which will improve your children's behaviour. You need to speak to your DP. Instead of running off, he needs to be there. He needs to take on a more active consistent role in parenting.

I wish you good luck OP

Yes I know but filming him whilst he woke dd.

He should never have been in the room.
I was trying to suggest a routine, would have meant he was not in the room in the first place untill he was about to get into bed. Now he is no longer sharing a room then it will be better

To all suggesting a gp visit.....why a gp? Surely the health visitor would be the first point of contact.

Also what 3wildones said. Top advice

I think it's being called an Alpha male. I think you can't change who he is but you can use techniques to help him engage in activities that allow him to vent this behavior in a safer environment. I hope you get to see a behavioral psychologist soon.