Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what's wrong with my son

999 replies

stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 06:45

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

  • he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
  • shut her hand in doors
  • make her spit on stuff
  • 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)
And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off Sad I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?
OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 22/01/2019 07:48

Speech language has been useless, we have been going since he was 2, all they do is give me a sheet of paper saying "get down to his level, with no noise, speak with small words" I already do this.
He had it checked a while back. But could asked for it to be checked again.
Morning routine is usually,
-he wakes dd. I take dd downstairs.

  • get dd changed and fed
-running about like a loon seeing to other dd. -eventually he comes down, the first thing he will do is pick up toys/annoy dd if I ask him to sit down he will just howl
  • if he ever stops, he will go sit down and ask for breakfast
Then he just plays about, even after breakfast he will touch/break stuff that isn't his. Rinse and repeat until we go out
OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 22/01/2019 07:48

he does sound as if there are some devlopmental delays for 4.5 - if his speech and understanding arent there.

His behaviour does sound like that of a 2-3 year old. Has this been raised at all by professionals

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 22/01/2019 07:48

Although he said to me this morning he doesn't remember getting told off and he doesn't remember us telling him to leave dd alone🤔

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 22/01/2019 07:50

You can't expect to have changes when nothing has changed in the way you behave.

I do feel for you; I've got that T shirt.

But- and I keep saying this- to help him change his behaviour, YOU are the one who needs to change.

You have to be proactive and give him more attention. Not when he is naughty, but when he is being good.

Good behaviour= reward and attention, bad behaviour= ignored as far as poss unless it's dangerous, neutral behaviour= attention, cuddles, etc

It might take months before he improves and you may think it's never going to- but there is a lot of pre-set behaviour patterns to unwind.

I left you a couple of links to parent coaching. If you want to PM me in confidence I may be able to help suggest other things when I know your location.

I don't want to go into detail here about my experience, but it was similar- we went down the food intolerance route, the 'is it ASHD route', the child psych route, the GP route....and in the end, the answer was in my own hands.

.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 22/01/2019 07:50

Quartz, not been raised by anybody. The only people that see him are nursery staff.
It's more his understanding, like before Christmas discussing that santa comes to good boys
His replies "does santa come for easter"
"Santa comes for loud loud present loud loud bigger bigger bigger"
"After Christmas is going to be santa"
It's quite hard to understand what he is meaning tbh😓

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 22/01/2019 07:52

Although he said to me this morning he doesn't remember getting told off and he doesn't remember us telling him to leave dd alone

He's only 4. he may not remember. Or it may be an excuse. Don't place any store on his comments- he is a child.

You might try to find things for him to do- 'Mummy's little helper'- give him some responsibility and make him feel important instead of excluded.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 22/01/2019 07:52

I've tried ignoring bad behaviour, he just gets worse. So if for example He snatches a toy from dd, I'd ignore it and give her something different to play with. He would throw that toy at her head/the tv/outside.
Ignoring it is the worst thing because he just escalates it

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 22/01/2019 07:54

Re your comments about his language, you have every right to ask for a referral to a speech and language therapist.

But- how much language input is he getting at home?
Do you read to him? Daily? Bedtime story?
Do you talk to him about things- other than telling him off?
Does he spend time on screens (too much?)
Direct relationship between parental involvement/ conversation and a child's language skills.

(I'm a former special needs teacher.)

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 22/01/2019 07:56

Jingling probably not enough, I don't read to him. He barely gets any tv time as it's just not something I have on. Yeah I do talk to him about stuff, got flash cards with abc on and try and do that with him if we don't go to his classes

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 22/01/2019 07:57

You aren't listening.

This is going to take weeks and months.

Your son is bound to get worse first. He knows his only way of getting attention is to misbehave.

If you ignore his misbehaviour he will- in the short term- behave MORE badly because he is not getting the attention he seeks. So for him, he has to do it more and more until eventually you snap and react.

Can you understand that even being shouted at, punished and so on, is 'attention'?

It's not going to be an easy ride.

When he misbehaves, cuddle him, tell him in a soft voice that you aren't happy with it. Then ask him to do something that will help you - make him feel wanted.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 22/01/2019 07:59

Yes I know, I was just explaining. It wasn't something that I tried once, I kept at it for about 3 weeks before he relented and put a toy car through the tv. It's very very hard to ignore it when I know what will happen

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 22/01/2019 08:00

and you could also start with having 'special time' for him and you when you read and have some fun.

Does your son have any 'fun' with you?

Maybe you can have a book on the go and when he's acting up, suggest he sits next to you and you read a page or two to him.

You really need a parenting class. Not a criticism, but it would help you so much to share with other parents and get real help.

JinglingHellsBells · 22/01/2019 08:02

You aren't just not telling him off though, you have to give him love and attention when he's not being naughty . I don't get the feeling you love him; if he senses that, he will of course be full of anger.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 22/01/2019 08:02

I don't want to read to him as he just rips the books Sad I've tried before.
Like I said, I take him to classes one of them I have to join in with. So he gets my attention the whole walk there, the class. Then does his other one, then the walk back. Then the walk to nursery.
Then on weekends I take him to soft play, I admit I don't scale the equipment with him but he has my attention on the walk.
Other weekends we alternate by treking through woods or going for a swim.
The burger king was supposed to be a treat as well

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 22/01/2019 08:04

If I cuddle him when he is misbehaving he will hit me.
Or if I do that during a tantrum he will kick me. So no it's hard to try those options.
I do love him, I'm just completely worn down

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 22/01/2019 08:12

I think what Jingling is trying to get across is you don't actually spend any time with him unless you are doing something else.

You are either walking or at a class or at soft play.

You aren't actually playing with him and giving him your undivided attention without outside influences

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 22/01/2019 08:13

Yeah that's probably because I don't get a chance to

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 22/01/2019 08:14

OP I think it needs to be raised by you then as it does sound as if there could be something there

dustyphoenix · 22/01/2019 08:21

OP, I really feel for you. I have faced years of destructive, harmful behaviour from one of my children and it's an incredibly lonely road to walk. My children still have to be very closely supervised and can't play alone together. The things I've found helpful are:

  • removing every possible opportunity for bad behaviour. Do anything and everything practically possible to adapt your surroundings and routine so as to eliminate stressors, rather than relying on him to make the right choices
  • some children are simply not moved or motivated by adult emotion, your DS might be one of these. Continue to discipline and teach about feelings, but work on retaining your own emotional control and try to discipline cooly and dispassionately.
  • limit consequences to your DS, not the whole family. Your DS' behaviour will inevitably affect your whole family, and while some people with more 'straightforward' children might advocate leaving the park/not going out until he behaves, this is often impossible with a badly behaved child. It can be so depressing getting the whole family out only to return again because of the bad behaviour of one. So as much as possible, try to limit consequences to ones that affect only him or affect him more than everyone else.
JassyRadlett · 22/01/2019 08:28

Can you ditch one or two of the classes or the soft play and use that time for one on one at home playing a silly game (that age is just about old enough for twister which has the advantage of not being able to tip the board over), or hide and seek (I know tricky in a small house) or just pretending to be different animals, or bricks/Duplo? It sounds like he’d get more out of that than the activities at the moment.

JinglingHellsBells · 22/01/2019 08:46

Yeah that's probably because I don't get a chance to

But you have time to post here? Not being critical, but that's half an hour perhaps you could give him 1:1 time if he's at home now.

The way it might look to a 4 yr old, is that his mum takes him places where he can play (with others) but she doesn't actually engage with him otherwise (except to tell him off.)

He's not getting much language input from you either.

If you really are serious about making this better, you need a parenting class.

When my DCs were young, there weren't any. I looked.
I could have prevented 10+ years of my own terrible parenting if I'd been to one.

Like you I couldn't see the wood for the trees. DH and I almost split up due to the strain and our different parenting styles.

One of the links I sent you - parenting help- they offer phone support (paid for- not a helpline.)

You might also like to look at the website of Sue Atkins another parenting coach who offers phone help and she has masses of books on her site. sueatkinsparentingcoach.com/

Maybe your goal for today could be to look at those links and see if any of them might give you the help you need?

MyFriendGoo5 · 22/01/2019 08:48

You need to change that routine in the morning so you he's feeling involved and he doesn't have the empty space.

Put off sorting the 2 little ones and task him with helping you prepare breakfast. Then sort the little 2 afterwards. If you look back at a pattern of behaviour there's usually something that can be changed

Whothere · 22/01/2019 08:49

Who looks after your two other dc when you take your son to classes and nursery?

grasspigeons · 22/01/2019 08:50

Parenting puzzle is another good course, lots of schools run them for free in my area and the health visitor might be able to point you towards one. They are really good.

MarthasGinYard · 22/01/2019 08:50

Are the classes everyday?

Who has the other dc