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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what's wrong with my son

999 replies

stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 06:45

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
shut her hand in doors
make her spit on stuff
5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off

I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

OP posts:

Kardashianlove · 21/01/2019 16:10

"She sits nicely or she doesn't get food" she's not even 2 hmm she has no speech, she really wouldn't understand this And I think that's just beyond harsh
Of course they can understand this. Lots of parents only ever give food at the table.
Obviously if you’ve allowed them to get down it will be harder to ‘undo’ than if they had always sat at the table but it can be done.

It’s not harsh, it’s just a boundary that you put in place. The same as you wouldn’t allow them in a car without a car seat or you make them hold hands to cross the road or sit down on the bus rather than running about or only colour in on paper, not the walls/furniture,etc.
A 1/2 year old may not initially uunderstand why they can’t sit on the floor to eat/can’t draw on the walls/can’t cross the road themselves/can’t sit on your knee to drive the car.
But they soon learn that this is what they have to do. They understand more than you realise if you explain.
Children thrive with a boundary enforced, it makes them feel safe.

Nearlythere1 · 21/01/2019 16:10

OP i'm sorry but your attitude absolutely stinks. It's clear you can't and won't set boundaries and I frankly can't believe the softly softly approach everybody is taking with you here. You must be insane to be keeping your daughter in a room alone with him with the things you have witnessed. I cannot believe you're allowing that to continue, knowing he's pressing on her stomach to wake her, kicking her, hitting her. Can you imagine the fear and torment that poor girl is suffering? Not to mention the inevitable serious injury. Pull yourself together. You've done nothing but make excuses in this thread and continue to moan about his behaviour. It's like you want to moan rather than listen to advice. You need help, your son needs help, but first of all your two daughters need help before it's too late.

Original poster

stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 16:10

I weaned her in her bouncer, ds broke her high chair as he threw it.
If I ask her to go back to the table she would eventually but it'd be a struggle. She just likes to sit on the floor🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

skinoncustard · 21/01/2019 16:12

I’m sorry OP , but you asked for advice , and knock it all back.
You are the parent .... so parent !
It doesn’t matter if your children like it or not, you make the decisions not them .
If you don’t take control you will be on here in two years writing about your three children that are wonderful at nursery/school but horrendous at home .

Hungrypuffin · 21/01/2019 16:12

It seems to be routines you need help with op. Starting with mealtimes - hopefully you can see that expecting children to sit at the table is normal and not unreasonable. It will help, honestly. Next thing to look at is bedtime. What’s your current routine like with bedtime?

Thatwasfast · 21/01/2019 16:12

Just go to IKEA’s d buy another high chair. Or pick one up from a charity shop. They are about a tenner.

Do you understand that you are going to have to change the way you are doing things in order to see an improvement?

M3lon · 21/01/2019 16:13

op getting your DD to sit still for meals really isn't a case of 'sit nicely or starve'....its just moving her back to the table when she leaves it, until she forms the habit of staying.

There is no punishment, no reward...just repeated behaviour forming a habit.

I sort of feel this is the issue with the naughty step approach...seeing preventing bad behaviour as a punishment rather than just something neutral that has to happen.

At 4.5 your DS is old enough to see the difference between 'you hurt DD, you are/that was bad, you get get punished' and 'you hurt DD, I can't let that happen, she deserves not to be hurt, so I must put you in a different room to stop it'.

I would be asking him, 'Do you like to hurt DD?' and listening very carefully and non-judgementally to his answers. Maybe he does..maybe he doesn't. If he does, then obviously its a very serious child psychology issue. It he doesnt then you can find out what it is that he gets out of doing it, and how that can be supplied another way.

Claw001 · 21/01/2019 16:14

hungrypuff thank you for explaining. I was under the impression only GP’s, HV’s or health care professionals could refer to CAMHS or paeds for assessments.

Hungrypuffin · 21/01/2019 16:15

OK, you need two highchairs for your dds (honestly, Ikea!) You then don’t ask her, you tell her. “Dd, it’s lunchtime. Let’s go in your highchair so we’re ready to eat.” Then put her in it. No discussion, keep it breezy and insist on compliance.

Kardashianlove · 21/01/2019 16:16

If I ask her to go back to the table she would eventually but it'd be a struggle. She just likes to sit on the floor🤷‍♀️
Yes it probably would be a struggle but often you’ve got to put the hard work in to gain the benefits. Then it’s far easier to go out for something to eat or to someone’s house etc as you know they will sit at the table as this is their ‘norm’.

She may like to sit on the floor. Mine would like to eat sweets all day but I don’t let them!

SoupDragon · 21/01/2019 16:16

She just likes to sit on the floor🤷‍♀️

Why are you shrugging? You can't just let them do what they want - thee have to be rules, boundaries and routines. Meals should be eaten at a table, not on the floor. She will get it.

Hungrypuffin · 21/01/2019 16:17

No probs Claw. If a parent goes to their gp they usually get told to speak to me as school referrals move things on more quickly!

MiaowMix · 21/01/2019 16:19

No speech at all at 2? Presume you've investigated this too? That's quite delayed I think?

Nothisispatrick · 21/01/2019 16:19

Yes why are you shrugging?

Boundaries are important as it’s becoming more clear as the thread goes on why your son has none. Everyone has been supportive and offered loads and loads of advice and you reply like you can’t be bothered to actually DO anything.

Mummyshark2018 · 21/01/2019 16:20

Agree with @Hungrypuffin . I am not sure what will be achieved by seeing the GP as they won't know your son. Best people to refer is nursery/school. Ask his nursery for an early help assessment. They can complete the form send to the local team and you should be offered support (early intervention/ under 5's team etc).

Ellisandra · 21/01/2019 16:20

A dog learns that it eats from a bowl, and a dog doesn’t have speech.

Come on OP, why are you so unwilling to do something simple to implement that is going to help your son and daughter with routine? And make your life easier.

Children understand before they speak.

If she leaves the table, you steer or carry her back “we eat at the table darling”. Every time.

Your son needs boundaries which means you need to demonstrate them throughout the family.

Helix1244 · 21/01/2019 16:23

Seems strange nursery will refer you if he displays no behaviour there. I would have thought they would ask you to go to gp instead.
My dd2 is (so far touchwood) ok at nursery but very challenging at home.)
I think she doesnt find nursery as tiring compared to gym/rugby/park/zoo etc. Plus at home we are not enclosed especially walking places or at the park where she can run off.

user1471590586 · 21/01/2019 16:25

Just wondering, have you asked him why he behaves the way he does? Ask him if something is making him angry. Also could you get him involved with helping with the baby so he doesn't feel pushed out?

CousinKrispy · 21/01/2019 16:27

Hi OP, this does sound really exhausting. can your DP do your son's bedtime routine as suggested upthread?

I'm a fairly slack parent and I agree with others about getting a couple of cheap highchairs for the two littlest and training them into eating at the table at this age--a hassle at first, but I think you'll find it pays off quickly.

I'm really impressed that with 3 small children you manage to carve out 1.5 hours of time alone with your son daily. But think for a minute from his point of view ... he used to have your attention 24/7 (LOL) and now he has to make do with a mere 1.5 hours per day? It's difficult for you but not surprising that he's finding that hard and lashing out.

I'm not saying that means you have to magically find MORE time for him in your day (I understand that's impossible)--just reminding that his little mind is probably struggling to understand the very reasonable constraints on your time!

Original poster

stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 16:30

I'm shrugging because I don't care if she sits on the floor. I know she will not sit in a high chair, even ds was not in a high chair at that age! I didn't think they were used beyond one.
If you don't think I'm listening then fair enough but I'm not going to put her in a high chair no way.

OP posts:

Kardashianlove · 21/01/2019 16:30

Your perception of what’s ‘normal’ and basic expectations seems a bit off. So most parents wouldn’t be at the counter in BK with their 4 year old at the door (especially a 4 year old who is known for trapping other kids finders in doors!). It just wouldn’t be on their radar to be ordering food unless their DC at that age was stood right next to them.

The same with getting down from the table, it just wouldn’t occur to them to let their 1 year old take their food and wander off with it to eat on the floor because ‘they want to’.

Just wondering if you may benefit from a parenting course just to see what’s ‘normal’ and maybe readjust your own expectations. It may then be easier to decide what boundaries you put in place and enforce them.

adaline · 21/01/2019 16:31

She just likes to sit on the floor🤷‍♀️

So what? You're the parent, YOU choose where she eats. It's not up to her. Where are the rules and boundaries? Lots of children like staying up late, not going to bed and eating ice-cream for breakfast - would you allow that too? I presume not, so why is refusing to sit at the table acceptable behaviour?

Hundreds of people are trying to help you and I have to say your attitude is pretty shocking.

Original poster

stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 16:31

Yeah if I ask him he gives me a stupid answer. Like earlier I asked why he walked out the door "I wanted it to be louder louder louder"
But when I asked him again he said "I wanted to be cold"
His speech is still very delayed, he struggles with words often and we had s bit of stuttering which seems to have cleared up but that was scary and stressful!

OP posts:

adaline · 21/01/2019 16:31

If you don't think I'm listening then fair enough but I'm not going to put her in a high chair no way.

I'm out. You're not open to any suggestions and all you've done is say "no, I'm not doing that".

Jellyonawonkyplate · 21/01/2019 16:32

OP I am concerned at the amount of times you have referred to your own child as 'weird' on this thread. Does he feel loved and secure?

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