To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

I really feel for you. This sounds bloody exhausting. Sounds like you've tried everything. I think urget GP appointment too. ADHD perhaps? It's not normal behaviour no. Perhaps some of it is sibling rivalry but the anger sounds quite extreme. I hope you will be be able to access some proper support via your GP. It must be terribly nerve shattering for you. People saying your husband is the problem are unrealistic. Don't listen. Someone needs to work. There's no way my DH would just give up work if I was having trouble with the kids. Life doesn't work like that. Have you got q supportive mum or MIL around??

If he isn't doing these things at nursery it suggests he is attention seeking. You can't have a child who runs away from you while you have 2? Other babies to look after. I think a wrist strap attached to the pram would be the best option . Pretending to scratch cars on the way there would have made me turn right back round and go home. Bad behaviour=no privileges.

Nursery cannot make a referral. GP can.

You sound at the end of your thether.

Keep posting here - there are so many people who have been through similar. Try not to take things said as criticism.

My nephew has autism and also had speech delay. He was a bit of a nightmare for a while really. I remember him throwing things at me at my mums one day.

However sorting the speech issue really helped. I think part of it all was his frustration at not being able to communicate.

I think you are right to prioritise the nursery appointment if it is to have him assessed for autism. I suspect the GP would suggest that as a first step.

To get the most out of the nursery appointment write down everything you are concerned about.

I would have thought the referral process would be quicker through the gp.

It doesn't matter that he is only going to be at nursery for the next few months? He will still attend their school and the lady conducting the meeting is the school behavioural person, along with my HV. They have a form to get sent somewhere to get him seen by somebody for a MH diagnosis. I'm out in the cold, he finally relented! And he is on a strap

Sorry I’ve only skimmed through the thread so apologies if this has been mentioned!

1. ignore that bad and praise the good behaviour. Now that doesn’t mean when he hits his sister you ignore it, but if he is in the lounge and you and dd’s in the kitchen, he throws a book in the lounge, simply go in and say ‘oh I see the book is over there, could you be a big boy and pick it up for me, that will be a big help to mummy?’ Then when he does it, lots of prsise, a big thank you and a hug for him being a big boy.

2. Think about your language (I don’t mean swearing which I hope you don’t do!). So always using lots of praise, using positive language. For example going into his bedroom and seeing a lot of mess on the floor. Instead of telling him off for making a mess. Turn it around ‘wow look at all the toys on the floor, how quickly can you pick all your toys up and put them in the box?’ (Children love a challenge), and then once again heap loads of praise on him etc.

3. when cooking in the kitchen, get him to stand on a chair next to you and help. Again healing praise ‘look I have my own chef helping me cook, chef what do you think we have to do next? Stir the mash potato? Chef could you do that as I hold the bowl for you? So again you are using positive language, giving him praise but also attention.

4. I know you didn’t like this suggestion- but all eating together at the table. This is something that will be expected of him at school, so it’s good for all of you (and safer) to lay the foundations at home.

5. Routines as pp have said are really important.

6. Choices. If you ever give ds a choice of things to do. Just give two a or b, don’t over whelm him.

7. Reinforce all the time that you love him and like him, but you don’t like his behaviour when it happens. So you are separating him and his behaviour. So instead of ‘I really don’t like it when you do that!’, to ‘I really don’t like your behaviour when you do that’.

You say he had a severe speech delay. How is his speech now? Do you at times not understand him? If so he could be acting out as he is frustrated, that he can not covey his emotions.

I’m not having a go, so please don’t take this like that, and I may have read wrong, but you said he gets you 1 1/2 hours a day when you take him to clubs. Is that daily? Because if he’s in clubs it’s not really your full attention he has, if he’s doing something else. Could you and dh alternate baths and bedtime with him each night? So he gets one of you, for that hour/hour and a half each evening?

But just remember you aren’t a bad mum, bad mums don’t ask for help. You are an over whelmed mum. X

Regarding the referral, I’m a SENCO as mentioned before and referrals for autism or ADHD are quicker coming from me than the GP. I know the child, I can describe symptoms in detail and I can liaise with the assessment team for them to come and observe the child. I assume it’s a similar system where the op lives.

If he runs off he needs to be on reins - that is the consequence. He has the choice - he either walks nicely next to the pram, or he wears reins or a wrist strap like a toddler because his behaviour is dangerous. He cannot be allowed to run off like that, he could run into a road and get himself injured or killed.

However reading all your replies, there don't seem to very many rules and boundaries in place - and it sounds like he's lashing out because he doesn't know what's expected of him. For example, you take him to Burger King and expect him to sit nicely, but you don't expect that behaviour from him at home. You allow your oldest DC to sit on the floor to eat because she doesn't want to sit at the table! No! You're the parent, you make the rules. She doesn't get to decide to eat on the floor. If she doesn't want to sit nicely at the table then she doesn't get any dinner.

Kids thrive on rules and boundaries, which is probably why he behaves at nursery. He knows that he needs to sit at the table to eat, that he needs to share with other children etc. But from reading your replies, those boundaries don't exist at home so he doesn't know what you expect. But he's figured out that he can get your attention by playing up and being naughty, so that's what he does. Any attention is good attention in his eyes.

His behaviour doesn't automatically scream SEN to me - he sounds like a child who is very insecure about his place in the family, who is jealous because he's gone from having you to himself to sharing you with two siblings (who need more attention than he does) and he finds it all very overwhelming.

Still don’t know where your DP is in all of this?

hungrypuffin can you refer to paediatrician?

Op, it sounds like he does lots of activities, i wonder if it's overwhelming him and that's playing a part?

I do not have experience of this so I apologise now if I am saying the wrong thing.

My colleagues son has been diagnosed with ADHD. At school he is fine but at home he is destructive and violent. Apparently this is normal as they have places where they release their frustrations and it's usually at home.

I can't be assed trying to deal with this which is probably where I'm going wrong
It’s incredibly hard sometimes (and your situation sounds particularly hard) but you’ve got to be bothered to deal with it. It’s a lot of hard work putting boundaries in place and encoring them (even harder if thee are SN involved which sounds like a possibility).

Because it wasn't until I'd gone up to order that he was doing that
I would have still gone home. He should have been right next to you though ‘Unless you stand with me we can’t order and will have to go’ and then if he goes to the door you go home.
Do you tell him your expectations before you do something? So stop outside BK, get down to his level and say ‘You need to stand next to me while we order. I know you find sitting still difficult but you need to keep your bottom on the chair and stay at the table until we’ve all finished eating. If you choose to get down then there is no iPadn(or whatever) when we get home’. Tell him what he needs to do, not what he doesn’t. Get him to repeat back to you before you go in.
If he starts to get up, say ‘bottom on chair’ keep it short and clear, not long winded explanations.

I don't punish him for wrecking the carpet I will just say it's naughty and you shouldn't be doing that.
But surely he needs a consequence for doing this?

my ds wouldn't have sat at a table at 2 years old no I'm not gonna enforce that.
But it’s your job as a parent to enforce this. A 2 year old can understand that they sit at the table for food. Otherwise you run into problems going out (as in when you went to BK, he’s not used to sitting at a table to eat).
If you don’t enforce the boundaries with the younger 2 then in a couple of years, you could end up with all 3 not behaving properly.

It does sound like there could be SN involved with your DS and you’re obviously doing what you can to get him referred,etc.
Maybe have a read about parenting strategies for DC with ASD/ADHD. They can still help lots of NT children who don’t respond to typical parenting techniques.

A good technique to use is ‘thank you’ and can be used before he’s done what you wanted. So if you can see him walking past your DD in a way he might hit/push her, rather than saying ‘don’t hit DD’ say ‘thank you for coming past her carefully’.
Or as soon as you got into BK, before he’d ran off ‘thank you for standing by me so nicely’.
It can help to break the negative language of ‘sit still/don’t run off/stop messing’.

You have so much to deal with it must be completely overwhelming. Please please call your Health Visitor. I had a horrible time and mine was my saviour. Admit to her how you are feeling.

He does sit at the table at home but more often than not will drop food or his fork, he has even tipped his plate and bowl over to get dd to come over to him.
"She sits nicely or she doesn't get food" she's not even 2 she has no speech, she really wouldn't understand this And I think that's just beyond harsh

Op think of the behaviour you're seeing from your son as an iceberg- the visible bit is the bad behaviour- but underneath the water is all the thoughts and feelings causing the behaviour- and remember it's this and not him. Talk to him about all the reasons why you love him and why he's so special
Routines and boundaries will make him feel 'emotionally held' and help with his behaviour

I wouldn’t expect a 2 year old to sit nicely either OP.

But hey should be in a high chair for meals really, until you can expect them to behave better (2.5-3) having 2 children wandering around eating just sounds like chaos

she has no speech, she really wouldn't understand this And I think that's just beyond harsh

It's not harsh at all. You need to establish what's expected of them at a young age. Of course he's going to play up if he has to sit at the table to eat while his siblings can eat cereal on the floor!

She's two years old - she can sit in a high chair for her meals. She doesn't get to choose!

Children thrive in environments where there are set boundaries, and they know what’s expected of them. People are trying to help you here, not judge you. Don’t put those children to bed in the same room again until this is resolved. Doesn’t have to be permanent, but it’s not impossible to shuffle everyone around is it? You’ve knocked back every suggestion so far.

Also OP, another way to think of it is: if your done does have additional needs, whilst getting w diagnosis will be helpful in understanding what’s going on, it won’t magically stop the behaviour. You are going to have to manage this no matter what, and if you put firm boundaries in place now, things should start getting easier

I'm trying

She's not been in a high chair since she was 6 month old!

Claw, I don’t really deal with paeds specifically, I deal with the multi-agency teams who assess for ADHD and autism and HYM (previously known as CAMHS). I refer to them for assessments.

I would expect a two year old to still be in a high chair or strapped in a booster chair op. Ikea do a brilliant chair with tray for £16 if you need another one.

shes not been in a high chair since she was 6 months old

Erm, why?! You usually start weaning babies at 6 months old!

My DD stopped using her ikea high chair when she was 2.5, and I could ask her to sit nicely/get back in the chair etc and she started to listen to me