To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

Why give him that choice?
nursery gives you a rest and he is good there it's likely good for him and A lot of the advice you have been given today is around establishing routine today was a nursery day he should be there

what happens in a year when he kicks off about not wanting to go to school will you let him just choose not to go?

Firstly OP, you're not failing.

Whatever rules etc you live by in your household, forget them. Start again. Very clear boundaries, firm voice,. Get a time line like they use at nursery, so your DS knows what is happening, and when. All meals at the table, highchair for DD.

When DS is naughty, get down to his level, tell him firmly, no, that's not how to behave.

If he breaks a toy, throws something, take it away from him, put the toy in a box, then tell him if you can't play with something nicely, then you can't have it.

Tell him what you expect of him, you can walk next to the pram, but only if you behave.

Every time he hits your DD, firmly, "no, that's not acceptable".

Get a bog standard clock, colour in when he can get up. Put it up high on the wall.

Praise every bit of good behaviour. Explain simply why bad behaviour is wrong, ie you've opened the door, you've gone out side, you could have been hit by a car, then you'd be hurt", short simple explanation.

Get DS to help you with the dinner prep, or lay the table. Get another chair to sit between DS and DD.

Kids need routine and stability, and all to be treated equally.

Good luck 🤞🏻

OP, just wanted to agree with others. This does not sound like normal behaviour, and you clearly think something is wrong. Sounds awful for you. Just be aware that GP will prob make a referral but you may have a long wait. Try to find out any local support groups in the meantime. Maybe search under your local authority “local offer”. For young children, there are often organisations that can offer practical help.

@MTGGirl we’ll have to agree to disagree on my and your last posts, but I think the points you made on your previous longer post were absolutely spot on and I found myself nodding in agreement as I was reading it

I gave him the choice because he completely ran off, across a road and out of sight. Once I told him off he had continued to run off.
Maybe it is me and maybe I'm the one failing him cause I have no idea what I'm doing

Just wanted to say hang in there OP. It sounds really difficult. There’s good advice on this thread, maybe go through it with your DP later and figure out what approach you as parents want to take. Team work and supporting each other will be crucial - you sound at the end of your tether

I would watch super nanny on you tube and pretend I was her just do everything she does. Not that you are a bad parent but what you are currently doing isn’t working for him.

JudgeRindersMinder Thanks! You're the first person ever for me on MN who actually acted so mature and nice (with including my name). It actually feels good!
I can happily agree to disagree.

Came on to recommend how to talk to little kids so little kids will talk and listen. It helped me. I personally feel like it's a variant of normal behaviour, by which I mean it doesn't sound like anything is wrong with him. I wonder if the newest baby has upset him? Maybe it's all a bit much for him, it's a huge change, and he's started school, that's such a lot for a little person. Please do ask for help from gp ans HV, but that book is great too, nothing to do with naughty steps and punishments, it's very much "positive parenting", it sounds like he needs a lot of love and attention. I hope things get better soon op, look after yourself too, time to yourself if you can will help you so much to help him too x

OP, you did the right thing if he was looking forward to nursery, but if he really wanted to be at home, then was the wrong option as it wasn't a punishment . So basically, if he must go to nursery, then pick another option, so walk next to the pram, or no XXX treat tonight.

One thing that stuck in my mind from the Incredible Years course was When and Then

WHEN you do XXX THEN we will do XXX so repeated commands, to associate things. When you have put away your toys, then we will go to the park. When you apologise to your sister, then we will go to the park. When you pick up that remote control and say sorry to me, then you can etc etc etc.

When you stop hitting your sister, then you can walk next to the pram.

You could also make a thing of him being the big brother and how his very important job is to look after his younger siblings. Try and make him feel important, but without giving him power over them.

When DS runs off, do you hang back for say 30 seconds (if you can see him, but he can't see you)? What happens? Does he carry on going or stop? If he stops, it's a way to get your attention.

Have you tried engaging with him on the way to nursery? eg let's see how many blue cars we can count on the way to nursery, but stay close to me, I might not spot them all, and you'll need to point them out. Or red front doors / birds, whatever you think will engage.

Once you get to nursery say to him, shall we count how many on the way home and see if we get more or less.

Give your DD a different colour to look for etc. Or something different to look out for.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time but I really would separate him from your DD at night, I don't think it's appropriate if he's trying to physically harm her. Bring her in with you while you get a handle on things.

Look, you are doing the best you can with the resources you have. But you need more resources and an assessment to see what's going on with him. Can you go to the health nurse while he's at nursery and ask her to help you with the referrals for speech and an assessment for autism. Tell her he is running away. You need help with this. Have you looked up any information about autism and see if any of those symptoms, like running away continously, match your child's behaviour?

You said he had major speech delay. This can be a sign of other developmental issues. What is his speech like now? I think you need to push for this asap. Not only for an assessment of his own speech but also his receptive understanding. He may have difficulty understanding what is expected of him and thats when firm rules and boundaries and less speech from you is more effective. He may be better behaved at nursery as there is a fixed pattern and structure to the day but at home things are more relaxed and his behaviour is worse because of this. Tell the GP and nursery this week about his behaviour. It sounds very extreme. And also push for speech therapy referral especially with him starting school. He sounds like he needs help and this will in turn help to manage his behaviour.

Why ask your boyfriend to go to the GP appointment?
He’s not the one with the first hand experience of all the behaviours.

What on earth is so important about this nursery meeting that you won’t reschedule it?

He’s only going to be at nursery for another 7 months!

You’ve got a very difficult situation, but you’re making some of your own problems if you prioritise nursery over GP.

Ditto the comment that you can’t have the 2yo in your room because there are too many breakable things. Then box them up!

Sorry, pressed send too soon.
My concern with putting your 2yo in a cot downstairs, is that nothing is going to stop your 4yo going downstairs and hurting her.

Following

The nursery meeting is to get a referral for austim. I've been waiting since Christmas for this appointmemy

They are moving down as well

Ditto the comment that you can’t have the 2yo in your room because there are too many breakable things. Then box them up

Sorry but this. You need to make a small sacrifice of tidying away some stuff in your room to keep your toddler safe, it shouldn’t be a hard decision.

OP you must stop beating yourself up. The things you've tried so far would work on the vast majority of children. Think about all the other ways you could have handled him running off that would have been worse! My daughter ran off a couple of months back and I really thought she was going to be run over, you did very well to be level headed under the circumstances. I cried. In the street. While dragging her to the car screaming and kicking.

@Nixen you sound absolutely vile.

Ah, @MTGGirl I have read the full thread but I missed that OP’s boyfriend is moving downstairs too.

Good from the point of view of keeping the 2yo safe, but possibly not the best set up for family life and relationship.

I would just box up the breakables and have her in the main bedroom so that OP & boyfriend still share a room, no-one’s on the sofa, anc living area isn’t cramped by a cot.

OP doesn’t even have a table to sit them all for meals! Don’t put a cot downstairs!

OP

Ring the doctor again, in tears if necessary. And tell them that you are not coping and that you need to see someone TODAY. Don't let them fob you off, they will have emergency appointments and you very much sound like you need one.

I really hope things get better for your family soon

Will nursery make a referral? In my experience we had to go through the GP to get a referral for an assessment from a developmental paediatrician. Nursery maybe able to offer you a meeting with the SENCO to discuss his behaviour and what strategies they are going to put in place but in my experience any referral for assessment has to be through a doctor. Although this may be different in other areas of the UK