To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

Ok so went to take him to nursery and he ran off outside. Gave him the choice of walking nicely next to pram or going home, he said go home so that's what I done. Hope I've done the right thing but now he is missing out

I would say it is jealousy. His bad behaviour is attention seeking - some little kids prefer any sort of attention to none. He sees a lot of your time and attention spent (understandably - but not to him!) on these new interlopers who are distracting you from him.

No I'm not putting my girls into together. The youngest is up constantly and it just wouldn't work

Well being the toddler in with you, as it’s not working now, is it?

It’s all well and good having excuses to not make changes, but then nothing will change for the better.

*bring

I have children with diagnosed emotional and behavioural difficulties and a lot of strategies which work with other children wouldn’t work with mine eg reward charts (maybe for a day or two) or the naughty step. What does work is keeping them close to you and busy and supervised. Yes it’s hard and constant but for safety reasons it can’t be any other way.

I don’t have all the answers as my dc’s behaviour is extreme and they are particularly challenging at school but I do think the basics are important eg eating at the table not wandering around with food. I think that is very laissez faire and not sure why you are insisting it’s ok under your circumstances.

have you thought about a strap so he cannot run away in the street OP? You know the ones where it fits to his wrist and you put the other end on yours?

OP it really doesn't sound like you are not trying....almost the opposite, you sound like you do so much it must be utterly exhausting. I think a lot of posters have mentioned sleep and for all of you, this is clearly not good. Something has to give. This won't be a popular opinion but is it worth giving your youngest dd a bottle at night so you can get some rest? It is impossible to address anything from a position of exhaustion and it sounds like this is where you are at - anyone would be.
Your son is probably also exhausted and while this is probably not the cause of the issues you describe, it won't help.
Someone else mentioned his hearing. Is there any issue here? My son has grommets fitted and his ananoids out at a similar age. What a difference. He was sleeping through but snored like a trucker and got a terrible quality of sleep.
You need a plan. The suggestion of a routine was a good one. Is your husband owed any leave? I know this is not how he would want to spend it but you need help. Can you say, from Saturday things change and see if a few days of the two of you working together can help to get things back on track? Sadly there's no overnight miracle but if everyone could at least get a bit of rest you'll be in a stronger position to face it.
There may well be other underlying issues but sadly getting a diagnosis won't be an immediate help so you need to find a way to manage. It might not be everyone's ideal but as long as it works for you, learn to let nasty looks and other people's views wash over you. As long as you know you are in control, have a plan and things are moving in the right direction, it doesn't matter if he is having a total meltdown in the street! Good luck and please try to get some rest and call in favours from wherever you can. There is no shame in not coping...burying your head in the sand and pretending you are is the problem. You've acknowledged things aren't working and are looking to change it. That is being a good parent, not a bed one.

@stressedmum0f3 honestly don't take your son's behaviour as a reflection of how good a parent you are. The truth is that some children are a lot more challenging than others. Sadly it's not always as simple as putting the child on a naughty step as some PP seem to think. I'm sure it is lovely to have a child who responds to this type of discipline .

You need professional help and how you can be a great mum at the moment is by pushing the HV and GP to help you get that. Your son needs an assessment of any extra needs he may have. As well as a horrendous situation for you it must also be pretty miserable for him.

Hang on in there.

He gets enough sleep imo, usually from 7.30 until 6. He is out loads in the day as well so I don't think he needs excersize.
No no problems with his hearing he was kept an eye on last year as they thought he had glue ear but no nothing wrong. He had major speech delay but I haven't seen anybody since April 2018, I've tried to get a referral but still waiting but I don't find it useful at all.
I don't want him in my room as he will not sleep, I tried this already. Can't have toddler dd in as I have loads of breakable stuff and she'd never sleep due to the excitement. Her cot is downstairs ready for tonight

What a difficult situation, hugs to you op.

I'm not sure what your partner does for a job, but is there any way you could both go part time? To give you a bit of a break?

Did audiology see him or just the gp? Glue ear can fluctuate so with the speech delay I think I'd want them to recheck (audiology, not gp). Check if his mouth is open when he sleeps too as this can be a sign of adenoid issues.

You are obviously a great mum and just struggling with his challenging behaviour. It's hard to know the best strategies at times for getting through it.

Audiology checked 3 times, no don't think he does sleep with his mouth open but possibly worth asking for another assment, at least it can be ruled out if that's not the case

OP I’m so sorry things are so tough right now. I haven’t got through the full thread but I just want to suggest two websites that have helped me enormously: Janet Lansbury and AHA parenting. There’s no naughty steps/rewards charts and Janet Lansbury’s advice in particular might sound a bit too soft and airy fairy but give it a go - I was pretty amazed by the effectiveness with DD1. It took a while to grasp but when I did, it really shifted my perspective and my DDs behaviour improves dramatically. She has podcasts too - I listen to them on the way to work to keep me in that frame of mind when I feel my parenting starts to slip a bit.

Your son’s behaviour does sound extreme so obviously I’d rule out any other potential issues like ADHD too but I think putting in place clear boundaries will definitely help. Best of luck it’s sounds so tough

What I am hearing is that you are in crisis.... yes there are things you could tweak but we can all say that and the vast majority of children when faced with siblings, change and demands do not react like that. This mother is saying something is wrong so my feeling is that is correct....

OP as he has not gone to nursery can you spend the afternoon ringing round GP, HV, local sure start and nursery. Tell each of them that his behaviour is escalating and has reached very dangerous levels, tell them that it’s a safeguarding risk now and you need support. Even if you have rang them / got an appointment with them / can’t get hold of the right person then tell them anyway.

My son is 14 and has significant challenging behaviour and ASD. I am doing exactly that today.... don’t give up.

Thank you I did ring gp and they don't have an appointment until Thursday, I will see if my dp van go to that as I really need to go to nursery one.
If not answering, home start wasn't helpful before but I did email them

Haven’t read the full thread but your son’s behaviour seems similar to my DS’s behaviour towards his younger sister. When she was born (he was 3), he reacted very badly. It got better with time until she started walking. We then had a really difficult year before he started school. His behaviour wasn’t quite so bad as the behaviour you describe but it involved a lot of hitting, pushing, snatching etc. Even when he was trying to hug and kiss her, he would do it in a really aggressive way and would not leave her alone for a second. It was like he was obsessed with her. The worst incident was when he pushed her down the stairs. With him, consequences, time outs would have zero impact. So did spending one on one time with him. It was so so hard coping. However, even though they fight (the youngest is now capable of striking back), it has got easier, as DD’s language has developed, they seem to have more good times together. We still have to watch them closely and when DS is tired or in a bad mood, he will still be in her face, annoying her. We do have autism concerns, behaviours beyond the sibling relationship and we are awaiting an assessment as a community paediatrician agreed there were concerning behaviours. Nursery expressed no concerns at all whilst he was there. He behaves beautifully at school but despite this, school have picked up some areas of concern. I think especially with high functioning autism, it becomes more obvious as they grow older. It might be worth exploring the behaviours with the GP which is what we did which has led us to where we are. We’ve also got them in separate bedrooms so they each have their own space.

Hope I've done the right thing but now he is missing out

You absolutely did do the right thing, yes he’s missing out, but you gave him a choice, and he made that choice! At 4.5 he’s perfectly capable of being given a choice and having to abide by it, and its consequences x

Lots of love OP.

Xxxxxx

OP, is there any chance of your DH being able to take a week off in the not too distant future? Getting started on this sort of thing can be incredibly hard work and having extra hands and support to allow you to really focus on your boy and remove some of the logistical challenges could really help?

I don’t know if it’s at all helpful but when my eldest was that age, one thing that often calmed him down when he was feeling negative was Lego/Duplo. There is something really neat about the constructive aspect of it (as a counter to destructive behaviours) and if it gets destroyed in a temper/to push boundaries then it’s not broken/ruined.

It’s really helped him, plus you can have a general chat while you’re building and it can be really collaborative and fun (our favourite is still to try to build a Duplo tower taller than daddy).

"Hope I've done the right thing but now he is missing out"

You absolutely did do the right thing, yes he’s missing out, but you gave him a choice, and he made that choice! At 4.5 he’s perfectly capable of being given a choice and having to abide by it, and its consequences x""

I don't agree. His choice impacts 3 other people's afternoon. Why can a 4,5 year old have that much power?

On another note, it's actually quite funny that where I come from I was the really liberal, laid back parent. Here, I seem to be strict and harsh.

His choice impacts 3 other people's afternoon. Why can a 4,5 year old have that much power?

Because his mother, as the authority figure, gave it to him. She might have given him a different choice - and another day she might give him a different choice, depending on the circumstances - but this is the one she chose.

If she’d offered the choice and then ignored his response it would have been the wrong option - kids that age need to know what the rules are. Messing with the rules like that is just messing with their heads and will ramp up the negative behaviour.

That sounds incredibly difficult. He sounds very jealous of the little ones. Hope you can get some real life support... the health visitor should be able to help.
If possible financially you could employ a temp nanny to come and help out, have the nanny take care of the younger ones whilst you focus on your son.
I read an interesting article recently about “love bombing” an older sibling who is misbehaving for attention. Maybe worth looking it up as it apparently works wonders. It’s basically giving that child individual time and attention from each parent, separately. The results are very positive.
Wishing you all the very best of luck 🤗

Letting him choose home, instead of nursery, is fine, as long as he really likes going to nursery!

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-ockwellsmith/love-bomb-your-child_b_16392460.html

My heart breaks for you OP.

It's hard enough with 3 kids with the normal every day bickering but this is obviously way beyond that.

I don't know what to say, other than the one thing that always works for me is praise & reward them for good behaviour, e.g. 'I'm getting you an ice cream today because you shared X with your sister this morning, you're a great boy...' etc. My 3 LOVE that, they just love to please and love your approval.

I think it's very promising that he's so well behaved at nursery, I'd be very worried otherwise.

I haven't read the last few posts, but I do echo earlier posters who said that for now, you must keep him separated from your almost 2 yo at night. You said yourself that he presses down on her tummy - I can't find it now, but I'm sure that's what you said.
At not even 2 years old, she's very tiny and he could really hurt her, possibly even kill her. Not to mention the fact that he is bullying her, and I've no doubt that if it continues, it will affect her for the rest of her life. Maybe bring the 2 yo in with you and let dad sleep with your ds, anything... but I absolutely would not let them alone.

You sound utterly exhausted, I understand you have A bf baby, a toddler and this challenging behaviour... no wonder you're in tears.