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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh to show me evidence he’s not lying

185 replies

breadhead · 20/01/2019 22:48

It’s only a petty thing, but Dh has lied about lots of petty things in the past and I’m putting my foot down now after too much upset.

He is currently saying he’s not sure whether he should show me the evidence or that I should just trust him. I clearly don’t trust him, and need to see proof to help me regain my trust.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 20/01/2019 22:48

Depends on what it is you think he has done and why you think it.

Nicknacky · 20/01/2019 22:49

It’s hard to say without knowing what you think he is lying about.

HollowTalk · 20/01/2019 22:49

He has to earn your trust and if you feel you need him to prove it, then he should. If he can, which I doubt.

HeddaGarbled · 20/01/2019 22:53

I think it’s pretty much a pointless argument. As you say, you don’t trust him, because he’s a liar.

Why on earth he thinks you should trust him is beyond logic.

Original poster
breadhead · 20/01/2019 22:53

Does it really matter what it’s about? It’s only a small thing but the fact I feel he’s lying eats away at me.

Due to many lies in the past I feel that he’s forgone the right of my trust and needs to show me the evidence (which is of an internet order).

OP posts:
Fiddie · 20/01/2019 22:55

What's he lied about?

Nicknacky · 20/01/2019 22:55

I think it does matter and why you don’t believe him.

If my h wanted proof of everyday things I had done then without good reason, I would probably tell him to beat it.

gamerchick · 20/01/2019 22:56

Well I would but I lived with a pathological liar for years.

It won't make you feel better knowing though. He would have still lied and you'll feel all those disappointed frustrated feelings you always do when you find out he has.

Butterymuffin · 20/01/2019 22:56

What will you do if he refuses?

Wolfiefan · 20/01/2019 22:58

Won’t help will it? Even if he hasn’t lied this time you will still be suspicious and waiting for the next lie.
Why does he lie?

Original poster
breadhead · 20/01/2019 23:03

Nicknacky, he’s being evasive about an internet order he says he’s now returned. I just know the signs of him lying.

If he refuses I will assume he’s lying again and tell him so. Not sure what will happen from there.

He lies because he’s afraid of facing up to awkward situations. Passive aggressive.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 20/01/2019 23:05

What is the issue with the item he has ordered?

Fortunatelymine · 20/01/2019 23:10

YADNBU. Noone should lie to their partner that regularly, esp as its over petty stuff. Doesn't be realise he's ruining his chances of being believed in the event of something more important? There's no justified reason for his constant lies, he really needs to get help stopping, and if he has the hump about being asked to provide evidence, tough. Stop lying. He created that situation.
My dh was the same about a different matter, but still with the lies. He was arsey about having to prove what he said, but I think he finally understood why. And it is a small but necessary step in rebuilding trust and countering the disrespect and dismissal he shows towards you every time he lies.

Original poster
breadhead · 20/01/2019 23:11

The internet order is not the issue. This is exactly what I’m telling him.

I couldn’t give a toss about the internet order. I give a toss about him lying about something.

It makes not one iota of difference what the lie is about. Surely.

He owes me the proof because he’s made me upset and stressed that I think he’s yet again lied to me when he promised he never would again. It hurts.

OP posts:
Mixedbags · 20/01/2019 23:13

Is it too late for him to return the item if he hasn’t? Maybe reassure him that you may be annoyed but it’s not too late?

newnameforthis7 · 20/01/2019 23:14

Most men are born liars.

Not a lot you can do about it really.

Original poster
breadhead · 20/01/2019 23:15

mixedbags, I don’t care about the internet order, nothing is late, don’t care what it is. The issue is the lie. I care that he’s probably lied to me. Don’t care what about.

OP posts:
newnameforthis7 · 20/01/2019 23:16

Some men lie to impress, and to make themselves and their lives sound better, and some men just lie for the sake of lying to flower things up, or get themselves out of trouble.

Women lie of course, but men lie MUCH more.

Disquieted1 · 20/01/2019 23:16

YABU asking for proof. Are you going to ask for proof every single time?
If you can't trust him, then there is simply no relationship. Proof of this one instance is irrelevant.

Merryoldgoat · 20/01/2019 23:16

So I’m guessing it’s a type of thing you’d give as a gift to another woman? Or a big purchase you’ve not discussed?

If my DH asked for proof I’d show him but I’d be a bit pissed off. However I don’t have a track record for lying and if I did I’d show without issue.

KlutzyDraconequus · 20/01/2019 23:19

I get you OP.

It's not anything to do with the order, it's the lying for no real reason. Constant little lies about insignificant things can be like rust. It just keeps on eroding the trust between two people until there's a hole.

My tthinking, and it's often twisted up but, I'd say that if he has a simple option of showing you proof he's telling the truth and he's not taking that simple option, he's definitely hiding something.
Add that to the fact that the woman he's supposed to love and respect has asked him to do something simple and easy to set her mind at ease and he's choosing not to alieviate your pain, shows his real attitude.

Never listen to the words, always listen to the actions.

Lovingbenidorm · 20/01/2019 23:19

The order clearly isn’t the issue here.
You are upset because he’s lied.
But you asking for proof smacks a little of control. It sounds like he is behaving like your wayward son and you are the cross mum.

Lalliella · 20/01/2019 23:22

Of course you don’t trust him. He lies. Why would he expect you to ever believe him. Is he a 3 year old? Tbh this would be a deal-breaker for me. If he can lie about little things he can lie about big things too.

Smotheroffive · 20/01/2019 23:22

I think OP is spot on. Its the continual being lied to about anything, its hard to know what any trust then, or if there's any truth in anything he says.

I think you'vr come to a certain point in your relationship, although I'm not sure relationship is the word with a liar, as its all a bit baseless when you don't know what's what any more.

He's an an idiot and needs to grow up and deal with life or lose you I reckon.

Original poster
breadhead · 20/01/2019 23:25

Ha ha, no one seems to be quite getting the point that the internet order isn’t the issue. It’s nothing to do with anything dodgy. It’s just a harmless book!! I’d asked him to order it, and he said he had, but it never arrived, then he said it had gone to his work instead, then he kept forgetting to collect it, now he’s saying he’s retuned it and has bought the audiobook instead.

I repeat, i don’t give a toss about the book, I give a toss about probable lying, and also now the fact that he’s trying to make me feel bad for asking him for evidence of the order.

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable but it really doesn’t feel like it.

OP posts:
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