To ask dh to show me evidence he’s not lying

[breadhead]

It’s only a petty thing, but Dh has lied about lots of petty things in the past and I’m putting my foot down now after too much upset.

He is currently saying he’s not sure whether he should show me the evidence or that I should just trust him. I clearly don’t trust him, and need to see proof to help me regain my trust.

Am I being unreasonable??

I don’t think the guy is answerable for books he does or doesn’t order for himself.

It sounds like you've gotten to the point of intolerance to his lies. I can see why you are bothered by this and want proof.

It is really interesting for me to read this thread. Rightly or wrongly I find myself sympathising with your husband. He clearly lied because he feared you kicking off about it. For some reason he just couldn't face saying, 'No, I have no interest in that book so I am not going to order it.'

Annoying yes, maybe passive aggressive, but maybe approach it with a bit of sympathy?

My husband used to be like this. He was brought up like it....... if something is difficult to deal with / you’re in the wrong just lie and it all goes away.

We dealt with it by me just not standing for it tbh, he knew that if I caught him lying I’d be gone. It was such an insult!

People lie to their kids all the time as well - apart from the odd white lie I never have. I hate it so ynbu.

He clearly lied because he feared you kicking off about it
No, that is not clear at all. He has a history of lying.

I don’t think the guy is answerable for books he does or doesn’t order for himself.
It’s not about the books the books are the last straw.
He could be lying about anything is the act of lying not what he is lying about.
Do you have people who lie habitually to you? It’s hard to understand the frustration of never being able to believe a word someone says if you don’t?

If you thought he'd enjoy the book why didn't you just order it for him and give it to him as a gift?

Instead you instructed him to order it. You knew he probably wouldn't because he hates being told things and has a habit of passive resistance. So you've set it up as a test for him to fail.

Now you've had the predictable outcome, you're demanding third party evidence.

What the fuck? If you don't trust him, break up. Sounds like a living hell.

I live with a liar. It is v annoying, and confusing. The people who are not sympathising have probably not been in this situation. No real advice. I can always tell but have had the odd occasion where I have been wrong because I just come to expect it now. This doesn’t sound like an important lie, but in this instance I would say, I know you lied about ordering the first book, you didn’t need to as I would not have thought less of you for not having got round to it. Please try to tell the truth from now on, even about trivial things or things won’t improve. And then hope he listens to the audiobook and that it helps him.

My ex was a habitual liar. A lot of pp cannot understand the mental bullshit and gaslighting of living with a liar.

My ex lied about everything. Which train he was on, where he went for coffee, which supermarket he went to, what he had for dinner. Everything.

And I can guarantee Ops dh is taking the same tack as some of the posters on this thread - "you're kicking off", "controlling", "why are you getting worked up about a book".

Can we not listen to OP when she says she doesn't care about the book?

Amuses me that some posters 'need' to know the ins and outs of the story instead of answering the question. Nosy buggers.

If he is a habitual liar then he has lost your trust, obviously. To begin to regain it he should be eager to prove he is being honest with you. Which he obviously isn't...

"He lies because he’s afraid of facing up to awkward situations."
"Sounds like he’s scared of giving you the wrong answer."

gamerwidow, people in abusive relationships, lie to protect themselves.

That could be what's happening here.

OP, your relationship is controlling and bullying. To me, it sounds as though he lies to pacify you. It's the easy way out, yes, but this situation doesn't come about, in what should be an equal relationship, without a level of abusive/controlling, behaviour from the other Partner.

He's an Adult, he shouldn't need an easy way out over small things, or things that are his business, because you don't get to dissect them.

You have got into an odd Parent/Child dynamic, possibly, but if the sexes were reversed, it wouldn't be viewed as that. He would be told to get advice to get the courage to leave.

For this to go on, day-in, day-out, shows a level of emotional abuse, as well.

When you say you want him to be more assertive, are there other aspects of his life that he isn't good enough in, as far as your concerned? Do you think you should get a say in everything, is he allowed to be his own person, have his own personality?

Laughing at all the right on types on here apparently cool with their DH lying even about tiny things.

"John's new car is red"
"No it's not it's yellow"

"Oh, OK let's just have a nice life despite your lying ".

I'm in the process of breaking up with a liar too. The lying is cowardly and shows how a person just can't take responsibility for their actions and the potential consequences. To everyone who is saying
"he lied because you were going to kick off", the kicking off happens because of the discovery of the lies and knowing there is a history of lying makes it so difficult to trust them. It's created by the liar! It's a horrible situation to be in because you are forced into the controlling position of checking up on everything and issuing instructions etc. I hate the role I've been forced into and it is now ending. Life is too short for this shit.

cantfindname, it does matter what's its over.

Some of the first questions, to work out if you are in an abusive relationship are:
"do you have to lie to keep the peace"
"do you find yourself walking on eggshells"
"do you get hounded for days over small indiscretions"
"does your Partner tell you that you aren't good enough"

I'd bet the OP's DP could answer, yes, on the usual checklist, of being in a controlling relationship.

Unless you’ve been with a habitual liar you don’t get how crazy it can drive you.

You sit there wondering ‘Why won’t they just tell me the truth? Is it me, am I a horrible person? And the answer is no, people like that aren’t always ‘abused’ or vunerable, they’re just bloody liars and are wired that way.

It’s frustrating and I feel for you OP. To hell with the book, it’s just another bloody lie to add the the pile.

If you are constantly telling someone what to do and micromanaging them it serves you right if that person lies to you. You sound controlling to the point of abusive.

Birdsgottafly

You're assuming the dp didn't learn to lie in a previous relationship or during an abusive childhood. My partner began the relationship lying and I didn't twig for 2 years. Once this pattern of behaviour is learned it sticks unless professional help is sought to break the impulse. Its unfair of you to brand the Op abusive because her dp chooses to lie. You don't know the history.

I was thinking what Butteredghost went on to say: when he said he wouldn't lie again, he was lying. Because he's a liar.

People like this lie about stupid things that were pointless lying about in the first place. There are very many responses to not ordering a book which are sensible and probably honest, such as Oh I forgot, or I thought about it and couldn't be arsed, or I thought about and decided I didn't want to. All would have been fine if he had said something along those lines to OP.

But he didn't, because a liar's response to this sort of thing is to lie. I couldn't cope with that personally, but then I'm not OP.

I understand that it's the lying that's the issue, not the book. DP went through a long phase of lying to me about going to the pub, he always seemed unusually interested in going out to do errands. Fetching milk took over two hours, because apparently none of the four shops on our road had any. Obvious lie, he went to the pub to see his mates and made up a huge lie about having to travel ages to find anywhere with milk. If he had just gone and got the milk then said he was going to the pub that would have been fine with me, it's the lying that upset and angered me. It really eroded the trust in our relationship, and it has taken a long long time to get back to a good place because of it. I think it will be the reason we break up though tbh. If a liar can't change then there isn't much hope, trust is the foundation of a relationship and once that's gone I don't see the point in continuing. I hope you find some way of improving your situation OP, I know how shit it is

Do you like being married to him?

Sometimes... people lie and are evasive because they are nervous, intimidated, or suffering abuse. Self-preservation. Just adding another possible perspective here.

"It's a horrible situation to be in because you are forced into the controlling position of checking up on everything and issuing instructions etc"

If you look back, you'd probably realise that there was an unreasonable level of control to start with.

"Laughing at all the right on types on here apparently cool with their DH lying even about tiny things."

I've just experienced Women in controlling relationships having to lie "to keep the peace", because it isn't worth the Mental torture. Men can be in controlling relationships.

Controlling people rarely recognise how controlling they are.

There's people coming at this from different angles, but coming to the same conclusion, the relationship needs to end.

Birdsgottafly

"It's a horrible situation to be in because you are forced into the controlling position of checking up on everything and issuing instructions etc"

If you look back, you'd probably realise that there was an unreasonable level of control to start with.

Am easy assumption to make, but there really wasn't. I'm a very chilled out and passive person generally, happy to leave other people to their own stuff. As the lies became more apparent and more frequent I found myself constantly suspicious and double checking everything. I hate it because its not what I'm naturally like. Dp's ex wife is very controlling and emotionally abusive, threatening to call SS constantly if dp steps out of line (his youngest is 17 and he is a good dad!) I understand and sympathise with where the habit of lying has come from but I don't want it in my relationship, it has no place here. Its not my responsibility to 'fix' dp or to overlook and sanction when he lies to me because of his bad experiences. That is why the relationship is ending.

I agree with Birdsgottafly and SGB, this has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. The OP sounds controlling and petty.

Ha ! Bet you wish you'd never asked now!!!

For what it's worth - I expect he forgot ! He's probably spent his life making excuses instead of coming clean and doesn't actually consider it lying - my DH is the same ! I have explained clearly that I do consider it lying -but he still does it ! I've given up now !