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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh to show me evidence he’s not lying

185 replies

breadhead · 20/01/2019 22:48

It’s only a petty thing, but Dh has lied about lots of petty things in the past and I’m putting my foot down now after too much upset.

He is currently saying he’s not sure whether he should show me the evidence or that I should just trust him. I clearly don’t trust him, and need to see proof to help me regain my trust.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 20/01/2019 23:44

Trust your instincts OP. He has lied continually from the get-go. Its no basis for a relationship.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 20/01/2019 23:44

Definitely sounds controlling. If you have to ask him to prove such trivial things then you need to separate. He will grow to resent you and probably lie even more to punish you for treating him like a child.

You need to get some help about not sweating the small stuff.

potatoscone · 20/01/2019 23:44

I ended my first marriage because of silly lies. I totally get it. If they lie, they lie. You can never relax and never trust anything in your relationship. Insignificant lies turn in to massive fucking whoppers over time.

Smotheroffive · 20/01/2019 23:45

Yes, I agree, some are reading a different thread to us!

Original poster
breadhead · 20/01/2019 23:45

Thanks everyone, I need to get to sleep now but glad that some people understand (and good to hear the other side of opinions too, though they’re quite harsh!) I’m hoping we can work this out tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
breadhead · 20/01/2019 23:46

Walkingdeadfangirl - is lying ‘small stuff’?

OP posts:
Original poster
breadhead · 20/01/2019 23:47

Ok definitely not going to read any more comments now and am off to sleep!

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 20/01/2019 23:51

I agree that the issue isnt the order, its the lies.

My ex was like this, he would lie all the time and the frustrating thing, which I could never get him to understand, was that he is a terrible liar! It was always written all over his face. So in your situation I would be able to say straight away "You forgot didnt you?" and he would deny, lie more, get angry and shouty and blame me....... Then days later the book would magically appear, having been "delivered" during the odd 5 minutes I wasnt in the house that day and there would be no evidence of said order on his amazon account. There would however be a Waterstones bag that mysteriously appeared in the bag box. Bad at lying and thick as mince to boot.

And it was insidious. All these little pointless lies add up to rot away the marriage. Instead of saying "Oh shit, I forgot, I'll do it now" or whatever he would lie lie lie about absolutely everything.

Hence "Ex".

Walkingdeadfangirl · 20/01/2019 23:52

is lying ‘small stuff’?
If he is lying and you can't trust him then that is the problem that need to be dealt with. Asking him to 'prove' trivial things is controlling and will make things worse not better.

Jenasaurus · 21/01/2019 00:03

Is he embarrassed about it, I mean did he not order it as he couldn't afford to but didn't want to tell you and then got himself in a mess...I don't know but if that was the reason then its not so bad as lying for no reason, if that makes sense, was the book your Christmas present and he panicked as he hadn't ordered it and then doesn't want to admit to it..

MarthasGinYard · 21/01/2019 00:03

I get you Op

It's being with a liar.

It doesn't actually matter what the lie is, could even be something more trivial than the book order 'lie'. It really doesn't matter.

Op, it will be the smallest lie that finally will be the straw that....

Jenasaurus · 21/01/2019 00:07

sorry missposted. I have read the thread now and can see why he didn't order the book. I wouldn't of done it either in his shoes. The relationship is unbalanced, your in charge and then checking up on him. Your treating him like a child and he is rebelling, but I don't blame him

Smotheroffive · 21/01/2019 00:18

I wouldn't bother reading the thread again OP. Some are OK with being lied to continually, and will batter you with it to within an inch of your life until you feel utter shit. Based on what? Nothing...

StoppinBy · 21/01/2019 00:21

Unfortunately for him he has put himself in a position where you don't trust him, now he will have to prove himself over and over until you learn to trust him. If that's not how he wanted to live then he shouldn't have put himself there.

YANBU.

Absofuckinglutely · 21/01/2019 00:27

Boy who cried wolf.

This may be over something petty, but it points to a deep issue and something that has the potential to sour every aspect of your relationship. Lies are insidious and the most damaging thing you can do in a relationship. You'll end up losing total respect for him and disbelieving and doubting every word he says. That's a very slippery slope.

If you can't get to the bottom of why he feels the need to lie, and if he won't admit he does this and doesn't want to change, I think you have a major problem.

CSIblonde · 21/01/2019 01:34

If it's something you can't afford or gift to another woman he needs to show proof he's returned it. If its just a bog standard item I can't see the need even if he does tend to lie: It's 'small stuff'. Pick your battles.

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 21/01/2019 06:17

I think you know he's still lying. I've yet to meet a liar who stops lying. It's part of his personality OP
I don't think you actually need 'proof', you already know
So now what? The ball's in your court, stay with someone you will never ever be able to trust to tell you the truth? Or leave?

Fortunatelymine · 21/01/2019 06:32

If he is lying and you can't trust him then that is the problem that need to be dealt with. Asking him to 'prove' trivial things is controlling and will make things worse not better.
And how exactly do you suggest she stops him lying?

FlagFish · 21/01/2019 06:36

This would drive me mad OP!

Have you considered a marriage course? Cheaper than counselling. It could help you to break the bad communication patterns in your relationship.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/01/2019 06:41

Definitely sounds like he’s lying. Understand why you’re so frustrated.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 21/01/2019 06:43

I don’t care about the internet order, nothing is late, don’t care what it is. The issue is the lie. I care that he’s probably lied to me. Don’t care what about.

Then why are you bothered if he is lying or not, I would only be interested if someone was lying if I was concerned about the lie in particular. I would be more concerned as to why he feels he has to lie about something all the time, do you usually react to stuff he does or doesn’t do in a loud and aggressive manner, is he just trying to keep you off his back but going a very convoluted way about it. You must have asked him about the order for him to feel he needs to explain himself, be it in a dishonest or truthful manner, why is it your business whether he has returned the item or not ( if this is the case here) I would advise getting off his back a bit so he doesn’t feel he HAS to lie all the time.

JasperKarat · 21/01/2019 06:45

In the kindest sense OP I think this relationship is over, you don't trust him anymore about even small things and that's showing itself in demanding/controlling behaviours, you have an odd parent child dynamic. Either get proper couples counselling or walk away.

gamerwidow · 21/01/2019 06:45

Be honest. Would you have kicked off if he had turned around and said he hadn’t ordered it yet?
So you’re entirely happy to be lied to by people just because they think you’ll be annoyed by the truth because they haven’t done what they said they would?
That’s frankly an odd take on relationships. I don’t expect my DH to do everything I tell him but I certainly would be pissed off if he pretended to do stuff then lied about it.

gamerwidow · 21/01/2019 06:47

No one has to lie. The OPs DH has made a decision to pretend to do stuff and then lie about it instead of facing the situation and either saying no I won’t do that or doing it.
Who wants to live like that?

gamerwidow · 21/01/2019 06:50

Imagine if you’d asked your DH to get some milk and he didn’t but instead of saying oh I didn’t get time to go that he said I bought it but it must be lost somewhere I’ll go and look for it. Not a major thing but that shit would get old fast!

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