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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh to show me evidence he’s not lying

185 replies

breadhead · 20/01/2019 22:48

It’s only a petty thing, but Dh has lied about lots of petty things in the past and I’m putting my foot down now after too much upset.

He is currently saying he’s not sure whether he should show me the evidence or that I should just trust him. I clearly don’t trust him, and need to see proof to help me regain my trust.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Original poster
breadhead · 21/01/2019 10:51

'For what it's worth - I expect he forgot '.

Exactly! I know he probably just forget. And I wouldn't have cared a jot. I don't care about stuff like that. I know he needs encouraging to be assertive and honest when he's made (tiny) slip ups. Forgetting is something we all do - I do it all the time!! So no I would not have been bothered at all. In fact, I would have been so pleased and chuffed because he'd been assertive enough to tell me. I LOVE it when he's assertive and honest and I respond very positively and respectfully.

So again (and again and again) I say....it's the fact that he's probably lied again, when he'd promised not to again after I'd been in tears about the upset of it to him a few weeks ago, THAT's what's concerning me now, and THAT's why I've asked him to show me the internet order.

OP posts:
SistersResistingTheCisThing · 21/01/2019 10:58

Why are you remaining in this relationship, it doesn't seem to be enjoyable?

crispysausagerolls · 21/01/2019 10:58

OP I completely understand you!!!!! And I am laughing at how many people are failing to see the issue.

My DH is exactly the same, lies about the most stupid stuff and it used to really wind me up (eg he used to use my towel to dry his hands after using the loo, even though we have a bloody hand towel. Meant my towel was then always damp, and he used to lie about it which incensed me even more).

In the end I just accepted he lies to avoid getting into “trouble”, something he clearly has done since childhood and hasn’t realised I’m not his mother. However I take comfort in knowing it’s easy to spot when he is lying so I’ll know if he lies about anything serious... 🙈

Original poster
breadhead · 21/01/2019 11:02

"Maybe there is a need to chat about how, when trust has been chattered, the person who broke that trust need to make a lot of efforts to rebuild that trust. And that being fully open is the only way to do that (like it is when someone is cheating too)."

Yes, we've done this. Several times.

"The OP is not controlling, abusive or anything like that - she's just sick to death of her husband lying over petty shit when there's no need to!"

Thank you. Exactly as you say.

"Maybe you've been seeking an excuse for his behaviour and came up with lacking assertiveness, and that's why the book meant so much"

HA HA. Again - I don't give a shit about the book!!. We agreed it would be a good book for him to read. He agreed he has issues over lying. We agreed he lacks assertiveness. He promised to never lie to me again. I think he has. i am upset. I have asked for evidence.

Am I being unreasonable??? :))

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelDanvers · 21/01/2019 11:13

YANBU to not want to be constantly lied to all the time.

YABU choosing to stay in a relationship with someone who compulsively lies to you all the time and engaging in the dysfunctional dynamic.

If you want to stay together and actually try and have some sort of functioning relationship you both need to have therapy, separately.

If you can’t take it anymore and you don’t think he’s going to change then for your own mental health you need to break up.

SimplySteve · 21/01/2019 11:13

Most men are born liars.

Yawn.

adaline · 21/01/2019 11:13

If his behaviour bothers you that much, why are you with him?

Original poster
breadhead · 21/01/2019 11:26

If his behaviour bothers you that much, why are you with him?

Er, because we have three children and apart from this he's a kind hardworking man, great dad and I do love him and think he needs help. I don't give up on my marriage that easily.

I agree we will probably have to have some therapy to help us work through this.

OP posts:
Lonelyheart2020 · 21/01/2019 11:28

I don’t understand hahahahaha
Basically the lie is I ordered the book you want me to read.
Fuck sake no one in here can say they have never told a little white lie like that surely.
You sound a little deranged

KlutzyDraconequus · 21/01/2019 11:30

Lonelyheart2020

I don’t understand hahahahaha

You're right, you obviously don't.
Now who's more deranged?
Op asking a question about her pathological liar of a partner or some one calling her derranged when they don't even understand the issue?

Moondancer73 · 21/01/2019 11:30

I hate liars - why do men think it's ok?! My other half does it, even when I've caught him out and it's blatant and it infuriated me. Definitely call him out on it!

KlutzyDraconequus · 21/01/2019 11:32

TBF Moon my experience is of women lying. My ex wife and lots of women I've dated have lied about many many many things.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 21/01/2019 11:32

Imo he deliberately didn't order the book simply because you being assertive would give you the guts to chuck the lying git out.
My ex lied.
And lied.
And kept lying.
Until I caught him out in a whopper and now he is an exh.
Boundaries op.
Boundaries.
Flowersfor all the crap you have taken on here!!

adaline · 21/01/2019 11:35

Er, because we have three children and apart from this he's a kind hardworking man, great dad and I do love him and think he needs help. I don't give up on my marriage that easily.

If he lies constantly, he doesn't sound that great, and you obviously don't trust him (for good reason), so how are you going to manage going forward?

Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy. You don't need to stay with someone just because you have history together. You don't sound happy or trusting in any of your posts - surely the basis of a good relationship/marriage is happiness and trust? Without that, what's the point?

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 21/01/2019 11:35

I don’t think the OP is deranged.

I think if someone constantly lies to you about the smallest things, whatever their reasons for doing so, it would make you engage in irrational behaviour.

Original poster
breadhead · 21/01/2019 11:39

flowersfor all the crap you have taken on here!!

Bless you. Yeah, wasn't expecting all the harsh responses but good to m make me really question myself too.But I did ask for opinions and that's what I got!

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 21/01/2019 11:43

i have anxiety i sometimes lie white small lies yes but i do it-i dont know why= it is a problem

but if hes promised to try and get help i understand your point -maybe he really doesnt want to

MarthasGinYard · 21/01/2019 11:47

For what it's worth Op I was never a 'deranged' bunny boiler either....HmmGrin

Just can't stand liars.

You have my sympathy.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 21/01/2019 11:48

he needs encouraging to be assertive
Maybe he doesn't want you to 'encourage' him to be more assertive, Maybe he is happy with who he is and the 'trivial lies' are his defence mechanism against you trying to change him.

We agreed it would be a good book for him to read. We agreed he lacks assertiveness.
Definitely sounds controlling, and as a passive person he can't get you to stop, so he tells you a lie because he is unable to stand up to you.

SistersResistingTheCisThing · 21/01/2019 11:50

Does he lie to your DC?

SEsofty · 21/01/2019 11:51

If you don’t trust someone then you can never have a healthy relationship, no matter the shared history.

So either you decide to trust him and carry on with your marriage

Or you don’t and both remain unhappy

otheractivities · 21/01/2019 12:05

Tbh you sound very controlling , maybe he just cant deal you ?

If you treat him like a child he will act like one with you . You told him to order a book that he has to read , he not surprisingly doesnt want to , so he takes the easy way out . If he had turned round to you and said no , what would you have done

BejamNostalgia · 21/01/2019 12:08

I despair of this place sometimes. If a male poster came on here and said the same thing he’d definitely be told he was abusive.

Lies and half truths are perfectly normal, the average person tells several a day and over things as insignificant as a book it’s perfectly normal.

Demanding proof of insignificant purchases really is hugely controlling.

Original poster
breadhead · 21/01/2019 12:10

You told him to order a book that he has to read ,

Who said I told him to or that he has to read it? You need to read the whole thread.

yeah, I probably can be a bit controlling sometimes, and a bit like a mother checking on a child. But I never used to be. The lying has made me paranoid and untrusting and I hate the feeling.

OP posts:
adaline · 21/01/2019 12:13

yeah, I probably can be a bit controlling sometimes, and a bit like a mother checking on a child. But I never used to be. The lying has made me paranoid and untrusting and I hate the feeling.

But you can't change who he is and you can't change his behaviour. If you don't trust him then why are you with him? I don't understand it.

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