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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh to show me evidence he’s not lying

185 replies

breadhead · 20/01/2019 22:48

It’s only a petty thing, but Dh has lied about lots of petty things in the past and I’m putting my foot down now after too much upset.

He is currently saying he’s not sure whether he should show me the evidence or that I should just trust him. I clearly don’t trust him, and need to see proof to help me regain my trust.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 21/01/2019 12:14

If you accept him and his lack of assertiveness maybe he wouldn’t need to lie?

My exH conditioned me into being exactly what he wanted, was I happy? Yes when he wasn’t around then I could be myself again. The best thing I ever did was to be assertive enough to tell him I wanted a divorce.

Was he assertive when you met him?

WisdomOfCrowds · 21/01/2019 12:20

I get you op, my partners the same. He told a huge lie and since then I opened my eyes to all the small ones. Same as your husband they're mostly to do with him telling me what he thinks I want to hear, even if that makes my life worse (like saying he took care of something he forgot to take care of "so as not to stress me out" conveniently "forgetting" that I'll be more stressed when the final demand notices appear than I would have been by just doing it myself" or just out of fear of "getting in trouble" like a fucking child. Or small things like forgetting he had a shift booked at work and then when his boss calls he says he's on his way and will be 10 mins, when he's not even dressed yet and the bus takes 20 mins. Or asking if he can stay with someone for a few days when he knows damn well he needs to stay for twice that length of time. It's hugely disrespectful of people's time and energy, negates their ability to ever properly consent to anything, and causes small situations to become big problems which someone else is then left to deal with. I don't trust anything he says now and also ask him to prove everything. It's exhausting and depressing and I think about leaving constantly. But like you we have children and I want to make it work if I can. We're going to have counselling but honestly right now my life is worse for having him in it and if that doesn't change then I won't be staying.

Original poster
breadhead · 21/01/2019 12:41

f you accept him and his lack of assertiveness maybe he wouldn’t need to lie?

I accept him and his lack of assertiveness, he’s always been like that, and yes I’ve always encouraged him to not let people walk all over him but that’s what I would do to anyone.

The problem is his need to lie to me rather than be assertive and tell the truth about stuff. I value honesty and assertiveness regardless of it being uncomfortable. I am shy myself so I know it’s tough to be assertive sometimes but I think lying instead is the wrong thing for everyone, him included.

OP posts:
Original poster
breadhead · 21/01/2019 12:45

WisdomofCrowds, your situation sounds very similar to mine. I too think counselling might help and it’s definintelt worth a try if you think your relationship could be saved. I’m really thinking mine can.

OP posts:
adaline · 21/01/2019 12:56

I accept him and his lack of assertiveness

The problem is his need to lie to me rather than be assertive and tell the truth about stuff. I value honesty and assertiveness regardless of it being uncomfortable.

Those two statements are quite contradictory. He clearly struggles to be assertive so you need to decide whether his behaviour is a dealbreaker or not.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/01/2019 13:10

I'm getting the impression that your 'discussions' are you listing all his faults and how he needs to do better, and him saying whatever he can think of to get you to shut up. This relationship sounds very unhealthy.
What were your previous relationships like, though? Did you expect obedience from your partners? Did they all 'let you down' by resisting your unsolicited advice on how to be better people?

TitusP · 21/01/2019 13:11

I get what you are saying OP. You sound like you are exasperated by the lying, asked why he lies, he came out with the line about assertiveness, you suggested something that could help (the book) and he agreed then lied, thus avoiding having to deal with the lying. It sounds draining!

Personally I am not sure I could stick with a man like that because how could you ever be sure he had or hadn't done something that needed doing. Meaning you have to deal with everything, exhausting!

Original poster
breadhead · 21/01/2019 13:16

"I'm getting the impression that your 'discussions' are you listing all his faults and how he needs to do better,"

Yes, our discussion was about the fault of his incessant little lies over the years and how upsetting I find them and how harmful they are to our relationship. And yes I would like him to improve this. How is that wrong??? I really don't get a lot of the responses on here.

OP posts:
DiaryofWimpyMumm · 21/01/2019 13:20

The lying would get to me too. My ex husband lied constantly, even about small things. It drove me mad. So pleased he's my ex. Smile

FinallyHere · 21/01/2019 14:06

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you cannot trust? If so, why, what are you getting out of it?

adaline · 21/01/2019 14:39

How is that wrong??? I really don't get a lot of the responses on here

I think people don't understand why you're trying to change who he is. You say he's never been very assertive but you chose to marry him and have a family with him knowing all that. You're trying to change something which is clearly a fundamental part of his personality and that's never going to make either of you happy.

Original poster
breadhead · 21/01/2019 15:30

Yes, I get what you mean. That’s something I am going to have to think about.

If I’m honest his passivity has always irritated me, but it was certainly never a dealbreaker. I can live with passivity. But iits manifestation into him lying to me is what it seems has really damaged our relationship. And he’s done it from the very start so yes it’s my fault for not dealing with all this sooner.

Well I’m confused now. I’m sure I have a role to play in this too, somehow. Will have a chat to him later and see what he thinks I can do to help.

OP posts:
Bishalisha · 21/01/2019 15:38

*I'm with you OP, however he can't show it to you because it doesn't exist as he is lying again.

My ex was a constant liar about everything, from big to the smallest most irrelevant things. Asking him to show proof would lead to arguments about how I should just trust him. Even if it became obvious he was lying, it was still my fault apparently because the lie was nothing compared to the "crime" of me not trusting him. You can never come out on top with people like this.

"I'm sorry, I won't lie any more" is just another lie, said by a known liar.*

^this

I completely get it op. My ex was a liar about just about everything from small and completely insignificant things to big things. You begin to start doubting yourself and wonder if you’re going mad questioning things.

Smotheroffive · 21/01/2019 15:42

Yes, yes, wisdom ! Absolutely, its circling and rives you nuts in the end!

MrsJasonIsbell · 21/01/2019 15:49

Some people just lie all the time (about anything, trivial or important) like my ex partner. I would never have a relationship with a liar again.

BlueLuna · 21/01/2019 16:08

Shouldn't the question be why he feels he needs to like to over such trivial things. You sound controlling.

AutumnCrow · 21/01/2019 16:19

Living with a liar is death by a thousand papercuts territory.

Everything from 'Do we have much milk left?' to 'did you transfer that two grand?' can be met with inexplicable dissembling and it just makes you feel unwell in the end.

The Liar I Lived With crucially lies to himself too to protect his ego. Big lies, little lies, internalised lies. It's demoralising and exhausting being with someone like this.

Smotheroffive · 21/01/2019 16:41

No, blueluna and all other posters blaming OP. You don't know anything other than what's been said. He's lied continually, always.

Death by a thousand papercuts, yes. You can't have any kind of relationship with a continual liar.

Original poster
breadhead · 21/01/2019 16:42

BlueLuna, there’s been several big lies too over the years. Or just general secrecy.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/01/2019 16:58

“What he thinks I can do to help.”
Stop hounding him to change and trying to force him to be someone he isn’t. If he wanted to change then feel free to support. But to try and push self help books on him? Sounds more like a criticism than support.

Smotheroffive · 21/01/2019 17:10

His issue, or the relationship issue, is that he doesn't maybe see it as an issue. No matter what you say, if he won't acknowledge it as an issue, then that's him refusing to acknowledge that it is a huge barrier to a relationship.

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2019 17:39

So why are you flogging a dead horse? You're not compatible. Move on.

explodingkitten · 21/01/2019 18:07

I once dated a habitual loer for 5 months. It was years ago and the fact that I was lied to so much still makes me feel nauseous (sp?) even though I don't care about the other issues anymore. It's such a total disrespect towards someone to constantly lie. I couldn't have a relationship with a liar again. They find their own comfortability sooo much more important then what their partner feels. All that being lied to makes you question yourself so much. It so unhealthy mentally speaking.

I'm normally a bit careful to say LTB but honestly I couldn't advise you to even try to stay in this relationship.

gamerchick · 21/01/2019 18:10

My ex lied about everything. Which train he was on, where he went for coffee, which supermarket he went to, what he had for dinner. Everything

Heh do we have the same ex? Grin

I remember one memorable incident where I asked the ex to pop down to the council tax office for something. He came back and said they had closed early for the day due to a burst pipe. I went myself the week after and found the whole office had moved premises 6 months earlier.

He stood by his lie, looked me right in the eye and said I was wrong that he had went and they had closed early. Wouldn't back down at all.

It literally like a death of a thousand paper cuts and those defending this shit have never encountered someone close to them who do this. I've never wanted to hurt anyone as much as I wanted to hurt him by the end of our relationship, I could picture myself doing it. It's fuck all about being controlling. Hmm

Wineandrosesagain · 21/01/2019 18:10

Op quite a few of us get it (the hard of the thinking or the goady twats can’t/purposely won’t get it). It is so so hard to deal with as it is exhausting and incomprehensible to non-liars. If he can’t or won’t acknowledge what he’s doing and how distressing it is for you, I would separate. I could not live my life like this; it is too stressful to have to second guess everything he says. ☹️