My first baby and MIL

[LauraBrown1]

Okay guys AIBU? I just need to get this out there and know it's not me just being a hormonal pregnant girl.
So I'm 11 weeks pregnant and since about week 4 my partners parents went and surprised us with a pram and a play pen. I was shocked, I hadn't even given any though yet of what pram I would like and even the fact I would need one so soon! It's beautiful don't get my wrong. MIL has also bought bibs, babygrows, nappies, dummies etc... she's even had cardigans knitted (like the old fashioned type) I expected these kind of things as you usually get them as gifts from friends and family at baby showers and such. She told me how my partners grandad almost bought us this old Victorian cot from a charity shop the other week so I had to butt in and tell her to tell him not to as my parents offered to buy the cot. Our vision of our first child's baby room is exciting, as any parent-to-be would be.. we want to paint it all neutral colours like grey/ white and cream and saw some lovely light wooden colour furniture from ikea. This is our dream nursery. She's messaged me today with a picture of a BLUE rocking bed for baby.. I feel like I want to cry. We (obviously) don't know the gender yet but we've mentioned loads how we would love a little girl. Now my problem is, I feel like I'm not going to have a chance to buy anything for my baby myself. Also I'm 11 weeks pregnant! I haven't even had my first scan yet! I'm so early, and not to put a black eye on stuff but I'm not in the 'safe zone' yet. I feel like she's clearly excited as it's her first grandchild too but it's overwhelming! DP hasn't mentioned anything to her and I'm scared to bring this topic up with him.
I've just spoken to my mother on the phone and she's quite annoyed as she wanted to buy the rocker and feels as if it's so early too. What do I do? Or AIBU and stupid?

I don't see this as over excited it see this as taking over and controlling.

If someone was excited it would be
"What cot are you thinking of? What can I buy? When can we go to the shop to have a look? What coulors are you go in with?"

Controlling is
"I have bought the pram. I have got clothes. I think the best colour is blue. I will be buy the cot."

There is a big difference between the two.
My mil was also the latter.
Like other said it is really best nipped in the bud. I left it and it blows up once the baby arrives.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and my PILs just gave us money with which we could by the cot and pushchair. So they got the excitement of helping with the new baby but we got to choose what we wanted for him.

Oh dear, sounds similar to my DPs family, they are lovely but were soooo excited (first baby in the family) about the pregnancy we were swamped with things! We didn't tell anyone til after my 12 week scan as we were quite cautious but even then I felt it was too early to be buying things, we were given tons of items which (without sounding horribly ungrateful) weren't to our taste or things we wouldn't have bought ourselves.... DP did speak to his family & they did calm it down, MiL freely admitted she was going OTT but said she was just so excited! We asked that if she wanted to buy something important which we needed then could she buy a car seat, we picked the one we wanted so it worked out quite well in the end.
We did fill several charity bags of stuff (clothes, toys etc) as there was just no way we'd use it all, I felt bad about it but MiL & aunties went nuts at xmas too.... It was frustrating as I'd have liked to buy things for her that were my choice but seemed a waste as she had so much, although I know it makes them happy to buy her things... Literally today I've bought my DD her first item of clothing from me, & she's 9 weeks old now - had to buy her something that wasn't bloody pink!! Think things are settling down from their end so I'll be buying bits that I like now

I’d be wary of mentioning anything about colour schemes etc when you speak to her or even DP.

You might construct a really carefully worded message saying you’re really grateful bla bla BUT its not what you have in mind because you fancy grey and white.

What they will hear is “I don’t want your generous gift because it’s the wrong colour.” and you’ll never hear the end of it.

Just stick to the fact it’s very early to be buying anything and you want to research big purchases as they’re such an important investment.

Ps... sorry, realised I rambled a bit there, what I was trying to say was that whilst I can understand that she's excited & wants to buy things, I agree that it's way too early, & buying big items without clearing it with you first is overkill & IMO quite rude.

I'm with the majority here, I think you need to brave an awkward conversation for the sake of long term harmony. This was my mother in law and four years later she hasn't changed. I didn't get to buy my daughter one item of clothing until she hit her first birthday. I kid you not - the woman sent so much stuff that the only thing I bought was plain white vests and I had so looked forward to choosing cute, girly things. Unfortunately I hadn't realized at this point how controlling she was and so am still having to deal with it now. Take charge early on - I know it's hard but it's a bit like bringing up dogs or children, a bit of discipline makes for a more comfortable relationship.

Have you had the conversation? Not sure if I missed it - your posts aren't highlighted because you changed names after the original post.

Holly molly!! 😱

Tell her to stop right now!! As someone else above mentioned this is not excitement it’s taking over!!

She’s has not asked or enquire about your wishes just steamed ahead!!

And all before the 12 week scan!!

To be honest in my experience asking DH to tell her only caused issue between a couple as the DH is then in the middle!!

I would contact her myself and simply say it’s far to early to be buying thing but if you neee help with anything you will let her know.

Stop her now!!!!! My MIL did the same she took a full heap of rubbish from work friends including a used car seat, potty and used clothes!!!

Why do people feel they can steam into someone else’s pregnancy if you weren’t part of the actual conception then it’s nothing to do with you simple!!!

@PhoebeBear my exMIL is a horrible person.

Also I wouldn't start with the 'keeping it at her house' because she will expect to have the baby there all of the time by itself.

Just tell her to stop buying.

Also, you have to not feel back about re-selling or passing things on that don't suit you. Both my mum and MIL love to buy stuff and get great joy out of that. It's not always what we need or want, so I take it down to the charity shop.

You do need to have a chat with her. Maybe suggest as others have that she donates towards larger items you choose (which is what we did for pram, cot and car seat). We got what we wanted and GPs got to buy them. I also have no problem leaving things at their houses

It will only get worse as your baby grows up. It's much better to nip it in the bud now before you get a huge climbing frame or 10 foot trampoline for your garden (or both!)

bad not back

Maybe she thinks she's helping you. She's not but maybe she thinks that by doing nothing she's not helping you.

Or she might think it's her baby.

Do what you want. If you don't like the pram, say. If she's well meaning she won't take it to heart.

OP a bit late now but we didn't tell anyone until the 12 week scan and we also were very assertive with our wishes.
As for She's messaged me today with a picture of a BLUE rocking bed for baby.. I feel like I want to cry. We (obviously) don't know the gender yet but we've mentioned loads how we would love a little girl. ... {goes to grab 🍿}

Eeek!

My parents were excited when we told them I was pregnant with ds. We told them at 5 weeks. He’s now 15 months. I felt I needed to tell them as if anything had happened we’d need their support. I also told my work as was feeling dizzy and lightheaded. So felt they should know just in case.

Dparents said they wanted to buy us the pram. Very generous. But we chose it. They gave us the money for it. Dm also knitted jumpers and cardigans for ds. And has spoiled him with clothes toys etc.

Mil hasn’t much but she’s lives overseas but was equally excited. She sends things every now and then. And now I’m pregnant with dc2 she’s joked (I hope) that if it’s a girl she’ll be over for 6 months to help.

Fingers crossed it’s a boy!!!!

I don't get this obsession some grandparents have with wanting to buy the big items.

I would imagine that knowing how horrifically expensive some of these items are that they are trying to be helpful? Obviously they should buy the one you want, but it isn't really difficult to 'get' why they'd jump in and offer to buy a big thing is it?

Put your foot down, firmly, and do it now, or this won't stop

And stop telling her things - be wary about telling her your due date etc, it sounds like she'll invite herself to the birth if you're not careful!

@NaturalBornWoman that wasn't my comment, but yes I agree it's nice of them I just thought at 4 weeks a pram is waaaaay too soon. She never gave us a chance to pick one or mention anything about buying one. I do love it but I wish I could experience looking at prams and such first with DP rather than just have it handed to me so early on.

She ended up bringing over rocker and I said it's a nice thought but you're buying too much for us. I told her to keep it at hers but she had her hands full and would pick it up another time... so as it stands, it's upstairs in the baby's room.

@ememem84 can I ask you a quick question off topic? You said about headaches and dizziness.. I've had that for the last week and my mum insisted I rang the nurse to tell her because from her experience she had the same and it was pre eclampsia.
I've rang the midwife to leave a voice message for her but I'm back to work today. I was starting to get worried. What was your experience?

I think you are going to have to have a polite word. Be prepared for her to be offended though. My MIL went OTT with my first, but ignored my second to punish me and make me wonder what I had done wrong. By then I didn't care.

Once she told me she was getting me some lovely upmarket toys for dd1, a toy pram etc which would be silver cross. I came home from work to find a load of absolute junk dumped on my driveway along with said pram which was held together with sellotape.

I am sure your MIL is not this bad op, but her excitement is taking over your role as a parent to be and taking away your choices. She has had her children, she needs to let you have yours.

Sorry I haven't RTFT but my MIL was a bit like this - not as extreme, but it was annoying when you have plans for your PFB and someone steamrollers in.
What I can promise, is that these 'things' won't matter in the long run, and you won't give it a second thought.

MIL Still does some things like buying the boys coats (always, always blue, because.. boys) but these days I'm just grateful someone's taken on the expense and it's one job I don't need to do 😂

That said, I do think you need to pick your own pram. Firstly because it's exciting - like chosing a new car! Second, you'll have your own criteria - does it need to be robust for doing miles, or light for buses, big basket for shopping or compact one hand fold for the car etc.) and there's a good chance they won't have taken that into account.

Your DH needs to step in and say no more please and can you return the pram

@PhoebeBear: I've had similar. A few questions I was asked:

• Are you drinking enough fluids?
• are you eating enough?
• what's your blood pressure?

They are just excited but you need to have a quiet word and just say it's too early to be buying all this stuff and that you'd like the excitement of choosing all this stuff yourself.

I had to rein my own mil in just after our 12 weeks scan, I accidentally made her cry though, totally unintentional. She'd gone out and bought enough newborn clothing to sink a ship and was wanting to buy the pram, the cot etc etc. I just said to her I'm not ordering or buying anything until I'm confident I'll be bringing a baby home (like 8 months pregnant) even then things can still go wrong. She cried because she lost one of her children a week old (it was a prem multiple birth), I felt awful. We only collected the cot and pram after our baby arrived in the end. My mil did chillout after me having a word though and I got to pick everything myself (bar the newborn clothes!).

She could bring it over but not take it back?
Time to put your foot down.

YANBU. She is excited but she needs to learn some self control. Ask your DH to step in.

@Jokie I must say I don't drink enough as I should, in my job we're allowed to take drink breaks and my boss has told me with being pregnant I can take more.
I don't eat breakfast (I just have my folic acid) I have a sandwich for dinner then usually soup for tea
Midwife checked blood pressure a month ago and said it was normal but the dizziness has started since then xx