My first baby and MIL

[LauraBrown1]

Okay guys AIBU? I just need to get this out there and know it's not me just being a hormonal pregnant girl.
So I'm 11 weeks pregnant and since about week 4 my partners parents went and surprised us with a pram and a play pen. I was shocked, I hadn't even given any though yet of what pram I would like and even the fact I would need one so soon! It's beautiful don't get my wrong. MIL has also bought bibs, babygrows, nappies, dummies etc... she's even had cardigans knitted (like the old fashioned type) I expected these kind of things as you usually get them as gifts from friends and family at baby showers and such. She told me how my partners grandad almost bought us this old Victorian cot from a charity shop the other week so I had to butt in and tell her to tell him not to as my parents offered to buy the cot. Our vision of our first child's baby room is exciting, as any parent-to-be would be.. we want to paint it all neutral colours like grey/ white and cream and saw some lovely light wooden colour furniture from ikea. This is our dream nursery. She's messaged me today with a picture of a BLUE rocking bed for baby.. I feel like I want to cry. We (obviously) don't know the gender yet but we've mentioned loads how we would love a little girl. Now my problem is, I feel like I'm not going to have a chance to buy anything for my baby myself. Also I'm 11 weeks pregnant! I haven't even had my first scan yet! I'm so early, and not to put a black eye on stuff but I'm not in the 'safe zone' yet. I feel like she's clearly excited as it's her first grandchild too but it's overwhelming! DP hasn't mentioned anything to her and I'm scared to bring this topic up with him.
I've just spoken to my mother on the phone and she's quite annoyed as she wanted to buy the rocker and feels as if it's so early too. What do I do? Or AIBU and stupid?

Since 4wks????

If you don't want her stuff then give it back & buy your own.

If she has bought a pram & play pen that you have accepted, then tell her no more that that is generous enough.

Don't draw your mum into arguments though-she can still buy what she chooses.

Is the problen that your mum will let you pick what you want & MIL won't/doesn't?

YANBU- personally, I think it's way too early to be getting high cost items like prams etc

You're still in the first trimester, put it this way, there is still a long old way to go.

I think you and your OH need to be firm with the in-laws

If you have a set idea about how you want the nursery to look, you have every right to choose which furniture you would like to put it in it

I know the in-laws (and your parents) are obviously v excited, but they really need to calm down for now!

Like your text to your dp. You could add "You know I love your mum, but it would be nicer if we could just slow down and talk about buying stuff (or not!) with both sets of grandparents"

And Yy to the previous poster who said that you can ask her to keep stuff at her house for when you visit. Though you won't need 2 rocking beds, so you might text her back with a thank you but no thank you for that one!

oh boy she is excited as we were. We just said choose the pram system you want send us the details and we will pay for it. We have stuck to the same mantra each time. Send us the link by e-mail and we will order it. Now they are born I am tempted to buy clothes but rarely see the children in them. One DIL is a first years, white company only fan, so suspect she flogs them on.

You need to nip this in the bud otherwise there will be mountains of plastic crap at xmas.

It is a bit full on. It’s only natural that you’ll want to pick things yourself. It would be better if she’d offered to pay for something that you had chosen. Certainly for things like nursery furniture or the pram which are very personal and you’ll be using all the time. I would have been quite pissed off at not having had the chance to pick a pram as we really enjoyed shopping for ours and spent a long time testing different features to make sure we got one that worked well for our lifestyle.

@diddl I've kept play pen at her house as I know she'll use it more when baby visits.

And dare I say... yes slightly..
I've mentioned to MIL twice about keeping it simple and not to buy anything more than what we need. My parents have only bought babygrows, socks and a teddy and I'm happy with just that as it's not OTT
I told MIL about the plain furniture and toys etc but it's clearly went over her head.

I think in future if it continues I'll tell her to keep everything at her house, DP's old room will be babies when he/she stays over so MIL can keep it all in there

OP, you've name changed, so your posts are no longer highlighted.

Speak to your MIL. You've had lots of good suggestions for how to word things. It was a mistake telling them as soon as you found out you were pregnant, at only 4 weeks! Next time, wait a while.

Also, you should be able to talk to your partner. If you can't, you have a problem. What are your plans going forward, re taking time off work and getting married, because you could be putting yourself in a financially vulnerable position.

I’m sorry but how did she even know you were pregnant at 4 weeks? That’s so inappropriate and totally bizarre to be buying things then, it’s such a risky time.

@Motoko thank you for your advice

Oh I didn't realise something has happened with the name change, I hope posts are still visible x

I'd also be rather careful about expressing gender preference. At some point in your dc's future, somebody might pipe up, "oh, I'm sure you wouldn't swap Freddie for Freda, would you? But it's nice dc2's a girl."

@Nothisispatrick we had mentioned it to them once she realised me not drinking over the Xmas period and feeling more sick. Like I said me and DP were very impatient and wanted to tell as soon as we knew.

I'll update once I talk to her later on tonight. Just wanted to know it's not just me as I was feeling as if I was being selfish in a way but feel it's too much too soon and don't want to jinx anything x thank you ladies for the advice x

I would accept the gifts, sell what you dont want or need and be done with it. If she ever asks, say "well I got 2 of a lot of things seeing as though you couldn't wait until my baby shower" Most normal people would not carry on this way. They would respect the fact that this is your 1st child. Perhaps if you are worried about hurting her feelings, this would be the best way to deal with the situation. Means you dont have to pretend you like something that you obviously don't.

I would be so angry and upset. MIL is completely taking over and spoiling what should be exciting/fun for you. I didn't buy anything before the 12 week scan, and didn't start looking at 'big stuff' until around 6 months pregnant.

Be careful re: sending her links to things you do like. Sounds like she’ll just buy them instead.

Just sit her down and be honest with her that her trying to buy everything herself now is stressing you out. She sounds well-meaning, but you need to get her to stop.

This is why we didn't tell ils.
You need to tell your dp to make her back off.
She is well over stepping the mark and will only get worse if you let her.
I'm a mil, my ds and his dp wanted to do things their way, as did me and dh when we had our first.
It's not rocket science, she needs to butt out.

I've mentioned to MIL twice about keeping it simple and not to buy anything more than what we need

This isn't very clear. She sees herself buying things you need. Just ask her not to buy any more furniture. Maybe have her focus on clothes if she wants.

I don't really get the point about the blue cot and you mentioning you want a girl. It's not like she has the power to change the sex of the baby.

"And dare I say... yes slightly.."

No there's nothing wrong with wanting what you want-especially the big purchases.

I get that she's excited, but she could have shopped with you.

I mean a few years ago there wasn't so much choice so if someone bought you a pram, chances are it was navy blue & coach built

My DM was the same. Loads of money wasted and stuff chucked out. I had to start refusing to accept stuff and tell her to return it because I’d already chosen a cot etc. In the end I created a wishlist so she could buy some items, and whenever she wanted to buy stuff I just said look at the wishlist.

How the hell did they know that you were 4 weeks pregnant - were they there when you did the test? If they are that involved in your lives that they even had that information then it's fair to say you need to set boundaries asap before the baby arrives.

You do wonder though-did these women not buy for their own babies?

I made it clear we were buying everything in one go to save money. (If you do it on finance with mamas and papas then they tend to knock the price down as much as they can on their own branded stuff, saved us a small fortune!)
That way they just bought us clothes and toys.

Others have suggested what to say and I can't add to that.

But word of advice. Don't tell her your exact due date. My PIL wanted to drive to us as soon as I went into labour. We talked them out of that. But they turned up on the doorstep at 8am with croissants, a hideous photo cake from Tesco and a toy set (aged 3 years and up) the first morning after we got back from the hospital. They had driven down the night before. It tainted everything for me, we couldn't stop them bringing presents everyone they visited (we had a small house and DS1 went to nursery from 3 months so we didn't need rooms of toys).. it was hideous.

You have basically given your MIL the go ahead. Telling her to only buy what you need. And telling her you were pregnant as soon as you'd peed on the stick 🤦🏼‍♀️.

You need to set some boundaries now. Her buying stuff will be the least of your worries when baby comes if you let this continue.

Yanbu, she sounds incredibly overbearing and if you don’t put a stop to it now she will be suffocating you for the rest of her days.

Tell her you fully appreciate the gifts but want to choose your own things. End of. She can take the blue crib back to the charity shop from whence it came for you shan’t be needing it. May seem harsh but you seriously need to nip this in the bud early.

Also incredibly inconsiderate to start buying before the first scan. I was unfortunate enough to suffer two missed miscarriages not discovered until the first scan, it would have devastated me to return home to a crib/pram etc.