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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP thinks I shouldn’t have ham in a ham restaurant

296 replies

Cattus · 19/01/2019 21:03

Lots of restaurants are half price because it’s January. We’re taking advantage of this offer in a restaurant that specialises in Spanish Ham. The hams aren’t part of the promotion.

We don’t normally eat there because it’s expensive so we go in January only. We could afford to eat there at full price occasionally but don’t as dp is a skinflint, in this regard (not in all regards).

I mentioned that I would like to get a ration of ham (£11) despite it not being in the promotion as the overall cost of the meal would still be significantly less and Spanish Jamon is my number 1 favourite food. DP looked horrified. Why would I want to take advantage of a promotion then ruin it by buying the exception?

He felt so bothered by my suggestion that I’ve agreed not to order any ham to keep his anxiety down. My proviso was that he accepts that I’m doing it because he knows he has an irrational objection that’s causing him anxiety. I think he still thinks that I’m irrational and it’s for the best.

First world mini problem, but frustrating. What do you think?

OP posts:
Cambionome · 19/01/2019 23:26

STOP LETTING HIM CONROL YOU LIKE THIS!

Seriously. It's ridiculous.

ThisWayDown · 19/01/2019 23:26

He needs more Jamon joy. That’s what he needs.

mumoflittlemice · 19/01/2019 23:27

DareDevil
Ahh, TOTU

Cattus Flowers I feel for you, I’d also go with a friend & order the ham. It’s never to late to decide that actually, no, this behaviour is not acceptable and quietly go about demonstrating how you are prepared to deal with it. Best of luck Smile

JustHereForThePooStories · 19/01/2019 23:27

It was called 'Lamb to the Slaughter' I remember seeing it on Tales of the Unexpected and reading it later

It’s one of my favourite from both the books, and the tv series.

Brian Blessed player the detective.

MamaLovesMango · 19/01/2019 23:28

He doesn’t think I’m a, capable of behaving autonomously unless it’s been suggested to me or I wantt to thwart him.

He thinks that because you have been suggestible, by him, for 25 years. I bet if you got away from him you’d sucky see that this wasn’t the only way he had been subtly controlling the way you behave. Stop enabling him.

‘Lamb to the Slaughter’ - bloody excellent short story!

MamaLovesMango · 19/01/2019 23:28

*suddlenly see

cdtaylornats · 19/01/2019 23:29

I can understand it - it's like look the flights to New York are on special offer let's go to Madrid.

halfwitpicker · 19/01/2019 23:35

I mentioned that I would like to get a ration of ham

^

Does no one else find this hilarious?

EncroachingLoaf · 19/01/2019 23:37

What a miserable (and weird) way to live op.

Does he ever buy anything that's not on promotion? Or anything more than basic essentials... is that allowed? Hmm

DareDevil223 · 19/01/2019 23:39

JustHereForThePooStories

I'd forgotten Brian Blessed was in it, Susan George played the wife. I loved the tv series and the stories, there was a second volume of stories called Kiss Kiss I think?

I was probably too young for both the programme and the books but I had very liberal parents Grin

GrumpyGoose · 19/01/2019 23:39

@cdtaylornats no that would be like OP going to a different restaurant entirely.

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 19/01/2019 23:41

Hi OP, £11 for ham is very expensive , was it a special breed?

MsTSwift · 19/01/2019 23:41

Sounds like it’s going to be a cracking night op. Imagine the tension when the waiter comes to take your order. Dp “I’ll have the Lettice leaf and some tap water” “and you madam?” .....to be continued

dontticklethetoad · 19/01/2019 23:42

Holy fuckballs what am I reading?

Hamxiety?

Is every meal out like this?

PoppyField · 19/01/2019 23:43

This is no way to live. He is sucking the joy out of this event and probably lots of your plans. It is all about control. You are not allowed to disagree with him! Ordering the ham would not be you ordering the ham coz you like it, like any normal person. Oh no! Ordering the ham is to undermine him, deliberately upset him, go against his strategy etc etc etc.

You are not an autonomous human to him. He sees any expression of your autonomy either as a deliberate ploy or does not compute. You are therefore to blame for his anxiety or any othe ‘bad’ thing that follows. The threat of which he holds over your every move.

You are in a controlling relationship with a controlling man. Everything you have said points to this OP and it’s really not ok. Or normal. Or what you deserve.

Tolleshunt · 19/01/2019 23:44

No, you are not ruining his limited time off. He is ruining for both of you, by being so tight-fisted and controlling.

All he needs to do to get the meal back o,n and you in the mood to go out with him, is to unclench his buttocks, and tell you he would be delighted for you to have the ham, seeing as you love it so much.

He won't do that, though, will he?

JustHereForThePooStories · 19/01/2019 23:44

Of course, if the ham was on offer, it’d probably be no less than £8.

This man is controlling what you eat for the sake of £3.
Think about that.

Spermysextowel · 19/01/2019 23:49

He’s upset about paying £51 instead of £40 for a meal that would usually cost £90, is that right? I think you should blithely ignore his panic-stricken face.
We went to Leeds a while ago & there was a place that was part wine/sherry bar, part ham deli. Went in to get some pre-dinner snacks, came out 2 hrs later full of ham & sherry & dined off the porky stuff that we bought for the other 3 nights of our stay. Yum.

Original poster
Cattus · 19/01/2019 23:54

Yes spermy, that is right.

OP posts:
xxcheshiremumxx · 19/01/2019 23:56

This is crazy. I suffered from aniexty horrifically last year & I'm aware people have certain triggers, but your partner ordering ham? I don't think so. He sounds controlling & the whole situ sounds a bit odd. We often use vouchers for Chiquitos & it doesn't include the Ultimate Fajita & every time my DP is hmming over getting or not as we wouldn't get the 40% off it & I always insist he gets it, if it's what he wants too eat!! Why wouldn't I!

BreevandercampLGJ · 20/01/2019 00:02

Ok two things.

This time three years ago I could have gone to this restaurant and enjoyed it, and my lovely DH would not have cared. However three years ago I was diagnosed with tonsil cancer, and following treatment I can not eat meat, or chicken anymore. This is due to scarring and narrowing of the throat, and lack of salivary glands (they were burnt away in pursuit of a cure)

EAT THE FUCKING MEAT..............you have NO idea what is around the corner. Angry

CoughLaughFart · 20/01/2019 00:03

I can understand it - it's like look the flights to New York are on special offer let's go to Madrid.

But the OP wants to order one dish at full price - her favourite food. The rest of the meal will still be half price.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/01/2019 00:05

If my DH tried to get between me and some good ham, he'd be out on his ear!! (only half joking, because he wouldn't give a shit what I ordered)

OP, the ham is a symptom. The 'disease' is his need for absolute control. You can either continue living with it, or you can tell him to change or get to fuck. Your decision.

BreevandercampLGJ · 20/01/2019 00:06

In happier news I am still here, today we were out shopping for tiles and a shower unit for the upcoming new bathroom, we have busted the budget twice in the last few days, as we left the store, I said I will suck the latest addition to the list, I will earn that in two part time days. He replied, I will earn that in a few hours and you absolutely will not add money to the bathroom pot, we are in this together.

Your DH sounds like a tight, manipulative, controlling git.

twattymctwatterson · 20/01/2019 00:10

This isn't anxiety. This is control