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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP thinks I shouldn’t have ham in a ham restaurant

296 replies

Cattus · 19/01/2019 21:03

Lots of restaurants are half price because it’s January. We’re taking advantage of this offer in a restaurant that specialises in Spanish Ham. The hams aren’t part of the promotion.

We don’t normally eat there because it’s expensive so we go in January only. We could afford to eat there at full price occasionally but don’t as dp is a skinflint, in this regard (not in all regards).

I mentioned that I would like to get a ration of ham (£11) despite it not being in the promotion as the overall cost of the meal would still be significantly less and Spanish Jamon is my number 1 favourite food. DP looked horrified. Why would I want to take advantage of a promotion then ruin it by buying the exception?

He felt so bothered by my suggestion that I’ve agreed not to order any ham to keep his anxiety down. My proviso was that he accepts that I’m doing it because he knows he has an irrational objection that’s causing him anxiety. I think he still thinks that I’m irrational and it’s for the best.

First world mini problem, but frustrating. What do you think?

OP posts:
Halfahunnerstillastunner · 20/01/2019 12:26

@icannotremember 👌👏👌👏👌👏👌👏

Fozzleyplum · 20/01/2019 12:28

Anxiety my arse. This is nothing more than controlling. Is he usually like this?

Halfahunnerstillastunner · 20/01/2019 12:28

And yes OP he's just a controlling tight cock who has no respect for you, your choices or your happiness. I agree with PP who said tell him that if he thinks he pays for everything, wait till he finds out how much the divorce would cost him. What a prick.
Open your eyes. A balanced relationship would never have this level of crazy.

Babygrey7 · 20/01/2019 12:35

I think you are all Very harsh!

Everyone has a few elements of crazy, so for this bloke it's restaurants...

It's quite common, IMO. My DH is like this (but only about eating out) as he grew up with no money, and as a result we just never eat out. Easy. Instead I eat out with friends or colleagues.

On the rare occasion we do eat out, he frets a bit about prices for himself but is never bothered by what I order. In fact, he encourages me to have what I like but would never order the steak for himself...

Like I say, I think it is quite common. It must be part of the old protestant ethic, part of the culture. In catholic countries this stingy attitude is not as common Grin IME!

alfagirl73 · 20/01/2019 14:04

There is so much about this that is screaming out at me. IMO this is not about the money... or about ham... it's about control and nothing more. Your post where you say he doesn't think you are capable of acting autonomously spoke volumes! Read back everything you're saying...

  1. He says you'll "ruin his strategy" - who goes out for an enjoyable meal with a "strategy"?! It's not a bloody business meeting - it's supposed to be fun! The purpose of eating out is to enjoy good food in a relaxing atmosphere - if he wants "strategy" it's a chess tournament he wants - not a ham restaurant!
  1. He says that if YOU ruin his strategy then in turn YOU will be responsible for taking away HIS pleasure! What about YOUR pleasure? What about YOUR enjoyment of the meal?! Or is that not important to him? Ask him directly - does he consider his enjoyment of the meal to be more important than yours? If the answer is no, then that part of his argument falls away. If he says yes, then that tells you how much he values your happiness and pleasure - which for me would make it completely unappealing as a night out.
  1. He doesn't believe you are able to act autonomously! How bloody insulting! All that statement says is he's annoyed because you're not doing what HE wants and is threatened by the thought of you making decisions of your own which don't fit into his "strategy" (whatever that's supposed to be!).
  1. He is absolutely obsessed by anyone seemingly "getting one over on him" - being ripped off in a restaurant, YOU making a decision that he doesn't agree with (rather than you simply having a different opinion/preference - it has to be some form of sabotage or conspiracy against him)....
  1. If he doesn't get his way - YOU are apparently responsible for ruining HIS happiness/enjoyment/time off, whatever. It's not because of the actual ham or whatever - it's because he's not getting everything how he wants it and he's projecting the blame for that onto you.

If you want to cancel the meal - do it. If he complains about YOU ruining HIS night out (another red flag - he only sees the meal as being HIS night out - not YOURS or about YOUR enjoyment) then tell him that he already ruined it himself by making the prospect of the evening so unappealing due to his attitude. If he doesn't respect you enough to allow you to enjoy a nice dinner out without turning it into some sort of "plot" against a restaurant, then you don't want to spend YOUR hard earned money on participating in it. You'll go another time with friends who can enjoy a meal out without turning it into a mission! And tell him if he's so desperate to go then go himself when he can "strategise" the meal to his heart's content!

If he keeps on about the "you ruining his enjoyment/fun/whatever..." tell him that the only person responsible for his happiness is HIM; he cannot expect to control everyone and every situation and if his happiness is dependent upon being able to do so, then he is going to be constantly disappointed.

It's the comments about you being suggestible and unable to act autonomously that have really riled me up! I'd read the riot act to anyone who made such a rude, condescending and insulting comment to me! How dare he?!

If you DO go to the restaurant, make damn sure you order the ham and slowly enjoy and savour every delicious morsel! Make sure you make "yummy" sounds when you do it! Grin

E20mom · 20/01/2019 14:09

Sounds like he can suck the joy out of a lovely evening out. I'm vegetarian but I'd say you have to have the ham. And enjoy it!

Ontheboardwalk · 20/01/2019 14:44

But we're not talking a full £11 are we? Is this your only main or an addition to a main?

If you were having a half price main or the ham was on offer as a half price main then surely the difference is only £5.50 or am I missing something?

Janus · 20/01/2019 14:50

I honestly would be mad that you have to give up what you want just to give him his weird logic happiness. Can you not say that although he may think it unreasonable to order something full price, you would get pleasure from it so therefore it is worth it to you and that should be enough for him. It’s bloody £11, how can he be arguing over this and ruin the night out for £11, we’re not talking about a prada handbag here! I fear the evening will be ruined even if you do go as he won’t be happy seeing you eat the ham and so it will be you that will feel stressed so I don’t know what to realistically say other than good luck!

tillytrotter1 · 20/01/2019 15:35

Does he see a doctor for his anxiety?

Being tight-fisted and 'having anxiety' are not the same thing, leave the doctors to deal with sick people then maybe it wouldn't need 3 weeks to get an appointment!

eurochick · 20/01/2019 15:48

How fucking joyless. I couldn't live like that.

You feel you have to prime him in advance of your order? Madness.

ChoccyJules · 20/01/2019 16:00

Occasionally, because unlike him I was brought up to watch the pennies, DH wants to splash out on something I don’t think we need. Sometimes he uses the reason that he earns more so this item is coming out of his extra bit of earnings. Sometimes I accept this as a theory. Sometimes.
This is kinda the other way round, ie you want the ham, so you can say this ham is coming out of my three day earnings, nothing to do with your five days at all. You get your half price food with that money DH.

MistressDeeCee · 20/01/2019 16:04

Tight arsed control freak. 'Anxiety?'. Bullshit.

I wouldn't even be bothered to go for a meal out with someone like this. I'd go alone or with mates.

PastaCake · 20/01/2019 16:06

Could you just go along with him (though I really don't think you should have to) and buy a nice fancy bit of ham to have later? It will cost him more but will mean you can still use the offer.

thaegumathteth · 20/01/2019 16:14

Dh earns a lot more than me. If he dictated to me like that I’d go myself and feast on ham until I could not eat any more.

SparklyMagpie · 20/01/2019 16:22

Sorry but I can't help but think of Napoleon Dynamite

"TINA EAT THE HAM!!!! GOSHHHH!!"

I also think he's a massive knob, if you want ham, you get the ham

He's ruined it not you

PastaCake · 20/01/2019 16:27

Problem is the ham has now become loaded with tension and meaning. So if you choose the ham he'll be annoyed and know you know he'll be annoyed. If you don't choose ham he'll think he's "won". Can you suggest going somewhere else and just forget the ham place?

CoughLaughFart · 20/01/2019 16:51

But we're not talking a full £11 are we? Is this your only main or an addition to a main? If you were having a half price main or the ham was on offer as a half price main then surely the difference is only £5.50 or am I missing something?

The ham isn’t half price. Kind of the point of the thread

learieonthewildmoor · 20/01/2019 16:59

I told my DH about this thread and he is aghast. His words were “Why are you telling me this terrible story?”
Go to the restaurant without your mean partner. Order the jamon, OP.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/01/2019 16:59

This is not about ham, this is about CONTROL. My Ex would do exactly this - ruined the evening, but if I didnt do what he wanted the sulking ruined it anyway.

BarbaraofSevillle · 20/01/2019 17:08

The ham isn’t half price. Kind of the point of the thread

But the point is that the amount of money 'wasted' by ordering the ham is £5.50, not £11, because if it was in the offer, it would cost them £5.50, to all this argument between the OP and her DH is over £5.50.

It's a tapas restaurant, so you wouldn't just order the ham by itself, which is literally just a plate of pieces of ham, probably freshly carved off a big jamon leg. You would probably order about 3 tapas per person, so the ham and a couple of tapas.

OP, if this restaurant is the one I think it is, you could also be extra hungry and order the large plate of ham, which is £22 Grin. You might even want to wash it down with one of the lovely gin and tonics, which area fairly eye watering £11, but they are fancy gins like Mare, and come with Fever Tree tonic.

But I thank you OP, because there is one of these restaurants with the offer on in my city and I think we're going to go, if we can get a table.

00100001 · 20/01/2019 17:16

I need to know if ham was consumed

(I fucking hope it was)

delboysskinandblister · 20/01/2019 18:28

OP come back. We just hope we saved your bacon. I have more..

Gth1234 · 20/01/2019 18:44

out of interest, what on earth is a "ham" restaurant? What cuisine do they serve. Is it a Spanish thing, with tapas, and similar.

BikeRunSki · 20/01/2019 19:04

@Gth1224, not the restaurant in question but there used to be bar/cafe in Leeds called "Friends of Ham", which basically severed assorted beers, cured meats and cheeses.

Ontheboardwalk · 20/01/2019 20:00

A £22 plate of ham, that surely must be a thing of beauty. OP go for that if it’s the same restaurant. Barbara if not and you go we need a picture.

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