DP thinks I shouldn’t have ham in a ham restaurant

[Cattus]

Lots of restaurants are half price because it’s January. We’re taking advantage of this offer in a restaurant that specialises in Spanish Ham. The hams aren’t part of the promotion.

We don’t normally eat there because it’s expensive so we go in January only. We could afford to eat there at full price occasionally but don’t as dp is a skinflint, in this regard (not in all regards).

I mentioned that I would like to get a ration of ham (£11) despite it not being in the promotion as the overall cost of the meal would still be significantly less and Spanish Jamon is my number 1 favourite food. DP looked horrified. Why would I want to take advantage of a promotion then ruin it by buying the exception?

He felt so bothered by my suggestion that I’ve agreed not to order any ham to keep his anxiety down. My proviso was that he accepts that I’m doing it because he knows he has an irrational objection that’s causing him anxiety. I think he still thinks that I’m irrational and it’s for the best.

First world mini problem, but frustrating. What do you think?

FGS, stop letting him and his anxiety control you. This is utterly absurd. Order the fucking ham and tell him to shut up about it. You are not a child, ffs.

He says, “it is impacting me because I pay for it.” This is because he earns 5 times what I do, he works 5 days and I work 3 and we share our earnings equally. I don’t need to work 3 days. I have only one child who is nearly 13.

So....is the promotion a meal for one instead of the ham? Or is the ham in addition to a meal? Either way at £11 YANBU. If it is instead of, how much is the difference actually?

Well I'm certified insane, but I'm with DH. One does not go to a restaurant with a promotion running and eat full priced food. What sort of monsters are you all?!

Eat the ham. His anxiety should not be controlling what you eat!

He says, “it is impacting me because I pay for it.” This is because he earns 5 times what I do, he works 5 days and I work 3 and we share our earnings equally. I don’t need to work 3 days. I have only one child who is nearly 13

Does he do this with other things?

Does buying the ham do anything other than reduce the bank balance a bit more?

Or will it push you under and force you to remortgage the house.

I’m guessing the former.

He is not anxious. He is a financially controlling tight arse.

HTH.

Order the ham.

Oh in that case.......up your working hours.

Leave the knobhead........and eat ham until your as stuffed as a fatty, fat pig. 🐖🐽🐷🐗

Tell him you'd get more off him if you divorced him so he better stop being such a fucking tightwad or you'll be dining on ham every night with your divorce settlement.

Just read your latest. He is being an arse. My DH earns over 5 times what I do. He would never tell me to spend less at a restaurant, and in fact would encourage me to order exactly what I want- as Jay Rainer put it, you don’t go to a restaurant because you are starving or malnourished, therefore it’s for the experience of eating good food.

But that’s a normal reaction - it isn’t a mental health condition - I’m anxious about running out of money.

Yes you hit the nail on the head there. Everybody ‘has anxiety’, it’s a normal human reaction but for people that ‘suffer form anxiety’, the normal human reaction is blown out of proportion and out of control if not managed properly and it really can make things that seem small and petty to others, a really big deal to the person living like that.

The ‘why’ is more complicated. I have a list of really small and ridiculous things that make me nervous, they’re mostly based around routine, structure and arbitrary rules Ive set myself without realising and are born out of fear and a feeling of lack of control. It’s not a problem unless it’s not managed properly or is affecting someone else, which suggests if there is an underlying cause of this behaviour for DPs DH, he’s not addressing the problem.

Of course he could just be tight

Are you on a budget? Well, everyone is or should be really, shouldn’t they? How often do you break the budget? If this is a one off, fine. But if you regularly break the budget I can see why he would be antsy. Not least because in couples where one person regularly breaks the budget, it’s usually the other person who has to cut back and accommodate it.

Oh my god leave him immediately

either you can afford to eat out (and order what you want) or you can't.
either way your partner's peculiarities sound massively unpleasant.
good luck going forward i would ltb, i would find the argument patronizing and controlling.

I can't believe he pulled the he earns more card. What an arse.
DH earns 9x what I do and wouldn't dream of telling me what I could order in a restaurant.

What a miserable sod. I couldn't eat out with someone like that, so I'd go on my own or with a friend and enjoy choosing whatever I fancied.

Well I think it's silly to only go in January because things are half price.. and then not avail the half price deal

That said - I couldn't listen to that anxiety things. I also keep my own money and buy what I want because of threads like this.

One of the MANY reasons I am now single. A mean approach to life is so unattractive - and it encompasses way more than just eating out. Have the ham. Enjoy the ham. Tell partner to GTF

In light of your update OP, just pay for your own ham. That had nothing to do with anxiety at all, you saying ‘anxiety’ is a red herring.

It really gets on my wick to hear of women pandering to their DH's selfish demands to keep the peace of avoid making the little lambs anxious or whatever.

FFS tell him you'll buy what you want and pay for it yourself.

I'd make this a condition of me going.

Wow he sounds as right as a gnats arse.
Order what you want ffs. What else will go forgo to “keep his anxiety down”?

Tight not right .... he is not right

He doesn't have anxiety then he's just a mean controlling wanker

He says, “it is impacting me because I pay for it.” This is because he earns 5 times what I do,

THAT would me scream.
its not because he is earning more than you that he is paying or that he can impose his choices.
if this is his only reason, thats not been anxious, thats being a sexist pig and he could f** off