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Original poster

DP thinks I shouldn’t have ham in a ham restaurant

296 replies

Cattus · 19/01/2019 21:03

Lots of restaurants are half price because it’s January. We’re taking advantage of this offer in a restaurant that specialises in Spanish Ham. The hams aren’t part of the promotion.

We don’t normally eat there because it’s expensive so we go in January only. We could afford to eat there at full price occasionally but don’t as dp is a skinflint, in this regard (not in all regards).

I mentioned that I would like to get a ration of ham (£11) despite it not being in the promotion as the overall cost of the meal would still be significantly less and Spanish Jamon is my number 1 favourite food. DP looked horrified. Why would I want to take advantage of a promotion then ruin it by buying the exception?

He felt so bothered by my suggestion that I’ve agreed not to order any ham to keep his anxiety down. My proviso was that he accepts that I’m doing it because he knows he has an irrational objection that’s causing him anxiety. I think he still thinks that I’m irrational and it’s for the best.

First world mini problem, but frustrating. What do you think?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 19/01/2019 21:41

Sounds like my BIL. Seems to suffer immeasurably from eating out but still insists on going. Incidents have included a full scale blow out at DH because he ordered something not off the 2 for 1 menu - NB we were paying for our own meals, shouting at me for tipping and culminating in walking off from a holiday meal because my 18 yr old DNephew ( his DS) was talking about having an expensive steak ( which he would have paid for himself) not so bad that he walked off but he was the designated driver and took the car with him.

I actually feel sorry for him because I'm sure he'd rather not behave that way. In this scenario I can see both points of view.

MotherofDinosaurs · 19/01/2019 21:41

'Anxiety' seems to be the latest thing that people invoke in order to validate their completely normal human feelings about stuff and make sure they get their way. Fuck him. Order the ham.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/01/2019 21:41

£11 for Spanish Jamon seems steep! It's one of my absolute favourite foods, too.

He seems to rank feeling that he's "beaten the system" over making you happy, and when that fails, he resorts to saying he pays for everything anyway. That's not nice behaviour...

Believeitornot · 19/01/2019 21:41

Ruin his strategy?

Yeah strategy for controlling how you spend money when he doesn’t need to.

Why stress about wine if you’re eating out?? Wine is marked up. On that basis, shop at Aldi and eat at home.

He doesn’t trump you because he earns more.

Maelstrop · 19/01/2019 21:42

Anxiety? Really? He’s trivialising someone who really does have financial anxiety. Ridiculous. Ruining his strategy? Order 2 raciones just to see his face, I couldn’t be with someone that ridiculous.

MrsChollySawcutt · 19/01/2019 21:42

Op this is bad. You are busy making excuses for him.

You are calling his financially controlling behaviour 'anxiety'.

You are checking menu prices ahead to avoid his 'anxiety' being an issue. That's called walking on eggshells.

Life with him sounds unpleasant and it seems like your wants and desires have no place. It's all about what he wants.

Take your blinkers off and see him for what he is.

fluffiphlox · 19/01/2019 21:43

Ham-related anxiety.
I have to say he sounds awful.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/01/2019 21:43

So he earns more than you, but you pay a much larger proportion of your income towards living expenses and he doesn't want you to order any extras when you eat out? He's doing well enough out of you, financially, as it is.

How much does he spend on himself? Does all his spare income go into a savings account, or does he routinely buy himself nice clothes, gadgets, or fine wine or something because it's 'money he earned'?

TBH even if he is putting all his spare money into savings, he's still taking financial advantage of you because, if not for the fact that you are paying half his living expenses, he would have less spare money.

brainache78 · 19/01/2019 21:44

Not good. Not good at all.

I agree with the PP, who says this is about him 'winning'

So his anxiety is about him perceiving himself being ripped off.

Restaurants mark up food. They have to to pay the overheads! You eat out for the experience. For getting to eat food you wouldn't have at home and being waited on.

It is supposed to be a relaxing and enjoyable experience.

Him getting his arse in his hands for having to pay more for a bottle of wine than he would if he bought it in the supermarket is pretty stupid.

It's not being ripped off. It doesn't mean someone is in the back room of the restaurant cackling and rubbing their hands together for getting one over on him.

That is so unattractive.

Tartsamazeballs · 19/01/2019 21:44

Tell him that the point of being frugal with some things is so that you can put the money towards the things in life you want to spend on. It just so happens that the thing you want to spend on (the ham) is a small element of the thing you are being frugal with.

If you didn't cheap out on the rest of the meal you wouldnt splurge on the ham.

Alternatively tell him to get the fuck over himself, it's just a tenner which you can well afford I assume as you're dropping £90 on a meal and every time you hear another word about it you're adding another ham to the order.

CoughLaughFart · 19/01/2019 21:45

You’re no one unless you’ve got anxiety these days...

This has bugger all to do with ‘keeping his anxiety down’ and everything to do with keeping the bill down. If he earns five times what you do, he can afford eleven quid for some ham.

thenightsky · 19/01/2019 21:45

He's being weird.

My DH earns 5 times what I do too. I also work only 3 days a week and have one adult child living at home.

When we eat out and I fancy something a bit more expensive his response will always be... 'order what you fancy love'.

Casiloco · 19/01/2019 21:47

I realise this can be a bit of a cliche, but this does sound a bit like behaviour which could signify bri on the autistic spectrum. Do you think that is possible?

SushiMonster · 19/01/2019 21:47

I can’t imagine living a life where you do not have autonomy over such things as this

Casiloco · 19/01/2019 21:47

*being

Betty777 · 19/01/2019 21:47

I agree that you should eat the ham.

However, I am secretly like your OH about these things. It would in all honesty upset me to order 'off-deal' but I would definitely keep that to myself

We had little cash growing up and a stingy mother (lucky we did, as she made our meagre money go as far as it needed to) To this day my brother and I both absolutely love a bargain and a deal, despite the fact we are now both v comfortable financially (compared to many)

But - we would both only admit to this love of cheapness and stinginess to each other. We don't make others bend to it.
Unless you have only £20 to make it to payday, this is weird behaviour

brainache78 · 19/01/2019 21:47

His isn't about the money.
I would almost understand it if it was. It's not about being tight or not being able to afford things.

It is about 'I don't want people getting one over on me' as if paying the marked-up price for restaurant food is somehow allowing himself to be cheated.

It's just shitty.

Original poster
Cattus · 19/01/2019 21:48

Btw- he hasn’t been diagnosed with anxiety and doesn’t feel regularly anxious. These are my words to describe the panic in his face when he sees me wanting to order things he doesn’t want to,

OP posts:
BMW6 · 19/01/2019 21:49

For Christ's sake tell him to get a fucking life

DoJo · 19/01/2019 21:50

This whole thing feels like an analogy...

Original poster
Cattus · 19/01/2019 21:51

Casiloco. DP and I did an Autism questionnaire. I scored low. He scored much higher but didn’t meet the criteria. He’s a funny mix. In some ways he seems to rigidly stick to his own logic, but then he’s exceptionally perceptive about other peop,e and situations.

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 19/01/2019 21:51

He sounds exhausting.

But I really want to try this ham! Where is it?

ShatnersBassoon · 19/01/2019 21:52

He says it’s less about the money, more that I want to ruin his strategy.

He really needs to stop eating out if he thinks the aim is to get the lowest bill rather than the most enjoyable food.

UnicornSlaughters · 19/01/2019 21:54

Life is too short. Get the ham.

lecossaise · 19/01/2019 21:54

Eat what's on offer during the meal, order a portion of ham to go while he's at the loo.