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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for not telling DH my first love has returned?

327 replies

sarah2014 · 19/01/2019 18:06

Okay first thread so bare with me I’m new to all this but have no idea who else to ask
Long story short 10years ago I thought I met a guy I was madly in love with, first proper bf first intimate partner etc, we only dated for 2 years when we decided to marry, however one day way before the wedding day he TEXT me saying he doesn’t love me anymore, I took the break up really badly didn’t get into a relationship for a good 3 years after this (when I met current DH) for obvious trust issues
Met DH 3 years later we are now married with 2 kids everything is great, we have good steady jobs we own a lovely house and financially are settled.
Now out for the blue I get an email from my ex, he says he really really wants to meet me he’s tried searching for me on all social networks (I use my married name hence why he hasn’t found me) and he’s managed to get my email through an old acquaintance he didn’t mention who.
He explains he’s been in jail and did a lot of thinking and how he treated me and through all 10years it’s only ever been me he’s truly loved.
I haven’t replied
I haven’t told DH
What do I do?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 19/01/2019 19:11

We can't tell you what to do, the fact you haven't automatically told him where to go and told your DH speaks volumes.

JaniceBattersby · 19/01/2019 19:13

I had a similar message from my first love when I’d been with my husband (then boyfriend) for about a year. Full of apologies and declarations of love. I was a bit torn for about a minute but I soon told my boyfriend and told my ex that I was happy in my relationship and didn’t want anything to jeapordise it so I wished him well but didn’t want him to contact me again.

Two days later I got a load of messages from him telling me he thought my husband was abusive for ‘not letting me talk to him’ and how he knew that I’d always love him. I blocked him and I’m so glad I did. I’ve been married 10 years, have four lovely kids and am really happy.

If it didn’t work out the first time OP then there’s a reason for that.

apacketofcrisps · 19/01/2019 19:14

Wow. Are you looking for permission to go meet this loser?

Serialweightwatcher · 19/01/2019 19:17

For goodness sake, ignore .... liked the "sorry, who is this?" though

thetwinkletoescollective · 19/01/2019 19:17

He has not contacted you for you

You - wonderful you, who was able to get up and move forward after what must have been devastating, heartbreaking and humiliating.

He has contacted you because he is wanting something for himself. That could be to feel wanted.To have his ego stroked. Comfort because he feels vulnerable. It is a selfish act wrapped up in a delusion of lost love. Please do not fall for it.

You have a new family. You have different priorities and you are continuing to move forward with your life.

Charlie97 · 19/01/2019 19:18

Ignore ignore ignore

TheCakeCrusader · 19/01/2019 19:19

Delete and block. Nothing to be gained by communicating with this ex and responding to him might encourage him to keep on contacting you.

museumum · 19/01/2019 19:19

I’d reply to him that he’s far too late. You’ve met the love of your life and are happily married with children and he’s not to contact you again.

I think ignoring is not going to put an end to it.

Petalflowers · 19/01/2019 19:21

I would mention that an old friend/flame has got in contact and wants to meet, but you haven’t seen him for years (due to jail).

As others have said, don’t make it a secret.

pallisers · 19/01/2019 19:21

ignore. Don't reply at all. Tell your husband. Don't be tempted to give a smart or annihalating reply no matter how tempting it is. Just block and ignore - you don't want to give him even an inch of space to get into your life again - any reply will do that.

Parisetoile · 19/01/2019 19:24

Your ex let you get away.
How stupid was he. Imagine how much he regrets it, when he sees your settled life.
But you have a happy life now and that is priceless.
Ex had his chance and he blew it.

So, tell your DH about his creepy message, you dodged a bullet there!

HerbertDibDab · 19/01/2019 19:27

There is nothing to be gained (for you) from responding to this email.

You can:

  1. respond and potentially turn your life, your dh's life and your dc's lives upside down, all for a man from 10 years ago who has not only been in jail (and is probably looking for an easy option now that he's out) and who text you to break up with you, or...

  2. you could ignore and delete the email and continue your lovely life with family, or...

  3. you leave your dh (who you mustn't love that much otherwise you wouldn't be asking for advice on here about what to do) and start a new life that doesn't include your ex- a man who thought that proposing to you and then subsequently dumping you by text was an acceptable way to end a serious relationship.

Ragnarhairybreetches · 19/01/2019 19:32

The twinkle toes has it, this contact us for him and about him. You owe him nothing he treated you badly. If he's been in jail he's probably needing somewhere to stay, sifting through his ex's. Tell your DH and tell ex thanks for the apology, no need to meet or contact you ever again. And block.

Parttimewasteoftime · 19/01/2019 19:39

Sorry who are you?
Tell DH
Delete and block.
Do not give this any head space!

rachelfrost · 19/01/2019 19:42

Stop calling him your ‘first love’. He wasn’t your childhood sweetheart or the one who got away, he’s the one that jilted you.

Tell you partner. Absolutely. Imagine if he was secretly communicating with someone he almost married.

magoria · 19/01/2019 19:46

Why are you asking what to do?

Are you considering replying? Are you considering meeting him?

Is there something missing in your life, marriage and DC that you are confused about meeting someone who dumped you so callously and and been in jailed?

SuperMam123 · 19/01/2019 19:48

I wouldn't even consider entertaining him. I'd show dh the message and let him reply back what he wanted. He wouldn't even get my acknowledgement.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/01/2019 19:57

Even if he is genuinely sorry, he's telling you to make himself feel better. It sounds like his life has gone downhill since you were together and he's looking at the past through rose tinted glasses. However if he had your best interests at heart, he would leave you alone, as he presumably knows you are married with kids. It sounds like he is being a bit selfish. It also sounds like it was years ago, I'd be very suspicious of this, even if I was single...no contact for years then suddenly decides he still loves you despite jilting then ignoring you? Doesn't sound likely!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/01/2019 19:58

I don't think yabu to not tell your husband if you're going to ignore then forget all about it. But it sounds like you're tempted to reply or meet up. Which is probably unreasonable if you do it behind your husbands back

ohwownosnow · 19/01/2019 20:00

Block and ignore. Tell your DH.

Housingcraze · 19/01/2019 20:02

Delete block email

ModreB · 19/01/2019 20:03

Ignore and block. You loved what you thought was him, not the reality. He's a phishing arsehole trying to get a quick fix.

justonemoreminutethanks · 19/01/2019 20:04

Sounds like a keeper Confused

kateandme · 19/01/2019 20:04

i don't know why this needs asking.
and if your asking what you should do then your not happy otherwise you wouldn't even be questioning the questions
what do you think you want to get from seeing him

BunsOfAnarchy · 19/01/2019 20:05

'Do not contact me again. If you do, i WILL show my husband and we will treat this as stalking and will pursue the correct course of action for this'.

Then show DH anyway. First love or no first love. Id be fuckin pissed off a convicted felon has managed to stalk far enough to get a personal email!

Dont delete the email. Keep in case u need a paper trail if this twat bag keeps pursuing you.