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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for not telling DH my first love has returned?

327 replies

sarah2014 · 19/01/2019 18:06

Okay first thread so bare with me I’m new to all this but have no idea who else to ask
Long story short 10years ago I thought I met a guy I was madly in love with, first proper bf first intimate partner etc, we only dated for 2 years when we decided to marry, however one day way before the wedding day he TEXT me saying he doesn’t love me anymore, I took the break up really badly didn’t get into a relationship for a good 3 years after this (when I met current DH) for obvious trust issues
Met DH 3 years later we are now married with 2 kids everything is great, we have good steady jobs we own a lovely house and financially are settled.
Now out for the blue I get an email from my ex, he says he really really wants to meet me he’s tried searching for me on all social networks (I use my married name hence why he hasn’t found me) and he’s managed to get my email through an old acquaintance he didn’t mention who.
He explains he’s been in jail and did a lot of thinking and how he treated me and through all 10years it’s only ever been me he’s truly loved.
I haven’t replied
I haven’t told DH
What do I do?

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 22/01/2019 02:57

OP, I have just read your comments again.

FFS - he physically went to your old place of work, & when no-one knew who you were, someone went off & found this woman in Admin who vaguely knew you professionally.

Hmmm, I wonder if he was convicted of fraud or some form of criminal deception because he seems to have uncanny powers to woo & sway people to do park their common sense.

Um...yes complain.
Never mind HR, I’d go directly to the Company Secretary to complain.
Template letter from the Information Commissioner website
ico.org.uk/your-data-matters/raising-concerns/

I would also put a call in to the Information Commissioner helpline as the organisation seems not to understand some fundamental concepts about data, privacy, duty of care and the GDPR.

From ICO website

“The UK’s independent authority set up to uphold information rights in the public interest, promoting openness by public bodies and data privacy for individuals.”

If you have concerns about an organisation's information rights practices, report it to us.
Need help? Start a live chat or call our helpline on 0303 123 1113.

All of these actions are about you taking control and looking after you and yours. You are also building a body of documented evidence just in case you may need it at another time. He is not going to do you over again.

malificent7 · 22/01/2019 03:50

To be honest op ive no idea why you needed to ask. You have a lovely dh and kids....why oh why are you even curious about this criminal looser? I guess closure but you wont get it from him. Although sounds like you have the beginnings of a stalker.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2019 04:16

I would also complain about this woman to high up management. You did her a favour and she repaid you by breaching your confidence and scorning you.

It is common sense not to share others details. She barely knows you and definitely didn’t know him. She was a fool to trust him and if she is disciplined at work this would be a very good thing. What a stupid woman.

EdtheBear · 22/01/2019 07:59

The woman was thoughtless but given she gave details from her own contacts it's nothing really to do with her work. Could have been her lunch break.

Don't contact the sister, curiosity could and would be read the wrong way that you are interested.

I'd keep googling to you find out what he was convicted of to satisfy the curiously.

MyOtherProfile · 22/01/2019 08:03

@mobyduck ???

WellThisIsShit · 22/01/2019 08:16

Ha ha Mobyduck I can only assume you were being very sarcastic or very drunk!

MyOtherProfile · 22/01/2019 08:48

Or that's the ex posting!

Ragnarhairybreetches · 22/01/2019 09:10

I'll have what Moby's had please!

GrimDamnFanjo · 22/01/2019 09:15

You need to do something about the disclosure of info. I once worked somewhere where an ex persuaded hr to confirm his ex was working there and he turned up and killed her :(

JoggerBottom · 22/01/2019 09:36

OP, you are not making a mountain out of a molehill. No one should pass on personal information about another without their permission first. It's simply not fair and in your case, it has invaded your privacy and family life.

mobyduck · 22/01/2019 10:05

Ha ha Mobyduck I can only assume you were being very sarcastic or very drunk!
I got mixed up about this couple I'm thinking of, he is in the army and drafted overseas leaving her to have their baby alone.
He then drops off the planet, she thinks he does not want the responsibility of a child.
10 years later she finds out by chance thorough a mutual friend he is living not too far away, but has a serious injury and it turns out he did not know about the baby and stopped contact because he did not think she should have to live with the amputee he has become. So they get back together as they realise it was all a misunderstanding and they really love each other.

Different story from the OP.

mobyduck · 22/01/2019 10:10

You need to do something about the disclosure of info. I once worked somewhere where an ex persuaded hr to confirm his ex was working there and he turned up and killed her
When I was in my thirties I was admitted to hospital in London with meningitis. When I was being wheeled to the ward a nurse said my wife had rang and they had told her details about my condition.

I was single, so I guessed it was a nosy workmate. What can you do, people are people.

Maverick66 · 22/01/2019 10:24

OMG! Run, run, run,
Block and delete.
Why would you allow someone like that back in your life?
He will wreak havoc and you will be left with nothing!

MumW · 22/01/2019 10:41

I'd be convcerned with your ex colleague's behaviour given that she wants/is entering the caring profession. Passing on your details shows a lack of awareness to confidentiality.
I've been brought up to deal with this sort of situation by refusing to share information and saying that I'd pass a name and contact details and then it's up to the other person to make contact.

If you've given her a reference for her course, I'd be tempted to withdraw your support. I'd also tell her she showed a total lack of confidentiality and had she passed his details to you then you would have a) not made contact, b) have prior warning he was searching for you and c) avoid all the current hassle and worry. She had your details in a professional capacity and not as a friend.

BestZebbie · 22/01/2019 10:56

Text back "serves you right!", block, get on with your actual life.

UniversalAunt · 22/01/2019 12:59

“You need to do something about the disclosure of info. I once worked somewhere where an ex persuaded hr to confirm his ex was working there and he turned up and killed her sad”

This sort of outcome is used as case study for awareness training about social engineering. Sad

Until recent years my understanding of social engineering and harassment was through general corporate training and I was blinded through legislation to follow data protection principles.

Now that I have seen for myself the impact on a family member the relentless grinding harassment, pain and fear that can be inflicted on someone by one malevolent shit and the unbelievably fucking stupid collusion that unthinking people do to support this crime, well it has opened my eyes. It has seared a burning rage within me about so much of this that can be avoided.

UniversalAunt · 22/01/2019 13:00

Tsk - bound through legislation

UniversalAunt · 22/01/2019 13:07

Careless talk costs lives

AIBU for not telling DH my first love has returned?
UniversalAunt · 22/01/2019 13:14

“The woman was thoughtless but given she gave details from her own contacts it's nothing really to do with her work. Could have been her lunch break.

Were his contact not facilitated by the organisation and the employees, then there would not have been any contact between them. Your professional conduct is relevant throughout the working day & in some instances outside the workplace as it may bring the organisation into disrepute. Still it is helpful to know I can break corporate law during my lunch hour.

The data being passed over is still personal data without the OP’s consent, AND it was given for the express purpose of supporting the woman’s job application.

That organisation has a ‘training issue’ that they will be delighted to resolve.

legoqueen · 22/01/2019 13:15

Thinking on it, are you sure the former colleague didn't mention to him where you now work/live - might be worth checking this.

MyOtherProfile · 22/01/2019 13:35

He spoke to the former colleague because she works where the OP worked, and was at work at the time. It is very much an issue for her boss to deal with.

Original poster
sarah2014 · 22/01/2019 14:21

Hi everyone
I’m going to have to stop this thread, i had a bunch of flowers delivered today at work signed by your admirer, it wasn’t DH. Police are involved and We’ve found out prison sentence he ran over a woman who was apparantly behaving badly towards his girlfriend, his gf was in the car at the time but after the event has left him and didn’t back him in court.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 22/01/2019 14:56

Oh my goodness. Thinking of you OP and glad police are involved.

TenForward82 · 22/01/2019 15:05

This reply has been deleted

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jessstan2 · 22/01/2019 15:35

Oh my goodness, I am so glad you've involved the police. He really is dangerous - but please believe you'll be OK op. The law will slap a restraining order on the man.

I'm so sorry you are going through all this.