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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for not telling DH my first love has returned?

327 replies

sarah2014 · 19/01/2019 18:06

Okay first thread so bare with me I’m new to all this but have no idea who else to ask
Long story short 10years ago I thought I met a guy I was madly in love with, first proper bf first intimate partner etc, we only dated for 2 years when we decided to marry, however one day way before the wedding day he TEXT me saying he doesn’t love me anymore, I took the break up really badly didn’t get into a relationship for a good 3 years after this (when I met current DH) for obvious trust issues
Met DH 3 years later we are now married with 2 kids everything is great, we have good steady jobs we own a lovely house and financially are settled.
Now out for the blue I get an email from my ex, he says he really really wants to meet me he’s tried searching for me on all social networks (I use my married name hence why he hasn’t found me) and he’s managed to get my email through an old acquaintance he didn’t mention who.
He explains he’s been in jail and did a lot of thinking and how he treated me and through all 10years it’s only ever been me he’s truly loved.
I haven’t replied
I haven’t told DH
What do I do?

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 20/01/2019 16:05

“Can a Police Officer just dive in and get that information for you OP? Has he said he can? Because surely he'd know that he can't just do that? ”

Oh that pesky GDPR legislation stuff...

UniversalAunt · 20/01/2019 16:15

“As he's been to prison you might find a record of his conviction here, try a search on Google using his name in quote marks. If you think it would be the local crown court, then select the court name here: www.thelawpages.com/legal-directory/crown-courts.php; select the hearings list, next page "details and sentences" and it'll show 5 most recent cases; keep adding "more" until you find his name, then click through for conviction info.”

Yup to this method.
Used this to find out about the perp’s court cases & conviction.
Anything on website ‘thelawpages’ is public domain.

Reallythatsnovel · 20/01/2019 17:08

Thread is slowing down. What's the the latest OP?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 20/01/2019 17:38

Realllythatsnovel Go through the proper channels.

Redglitter · 20/01/2019 22:02

Can a police officer access the police database to find out information for a friend? I thought this was a breech of data protection , and could lead to disciplinary action

If they want to keep their job they cant. Any checks on police systems have to have an auditable reason for being done. People have lost their jobs & been prosecuted for doing checks they shouldnt do.

SuperMam123 · 21/01/2019 03:17

Op I'm glad you told your husband as it looks like you'll need his support. Keep a log of everything that goes on. Your police officer friend may be able to find out what the ex has been away for by word of mouth amongst his colleagues but I hope he doesn't search for it.
Is your email a work email by any chance?

SuperMam123 · 21/01/2019 03:35

Also, don't phone numbers upload onto Facebook via mobile app if settings aren't adapted to block this? Could one of your friends have contact's details uploaded without realising? I'm not on Facebook myself so I don't know if it still does that, just trying to think how he could have got your number that may not be through a friend 🤔

MistressDeeCee · 21/01/2019 03:43

A jailbird who dumped you? Surely you wouldn't lower your bar so much to even give such a man the time of day?

Please have some standards.

If you meet up with him I bet he'll find a way for your husband to find out. Hes good at tracing people isnt he? You won't like the reality check if that happens.

There's such a thing as choice. Why even think about replying to this nobody as if he's owed an explanation. 'First love'...so what

jessstan2 · 21/01/2019 04:14

The ex has been in prison; when men are in prison they have a lot of time to think over their life and sometimes become fixated on a woman they once knew. It doesn't usually last, that's not to say the feelings aren't genuine at the time but you're a married woman with children and priorities that don't include him.

It's natural for you to be curious about this man but take the advice others have given you and don't open what might be a can of worms.

I have to say - in your place I might be curious enough to meet him once but I don't think it's wise.

This thread is ten pages and I haven't read it all so sorry if I'm duplicated what others have said.

Flowers
PregnantSea · 21/01/2019 04:20

Tell your ex to go jump off a bridge.

How dare he do that to you and then send a message like that after all these years? At best he's just trying to clear his own conscience, and at worst he expects you to drop everything, ruin your life and run back to him like a little lap dog.

Ignore the email (or just reply saying "fuck off") and don't bother mentioning it to your husband.

I'd also find out who the acquaintance is who have him your email address and give them an earful...

jessstan2 · 21/01/2019 04:21

PS: I'm catching up with the posts now and it is quite a creepy situation. Hopefully the 100 miles or so between you will keep him away. He'll probably get fed up with it soon enough.

Glad your husband is on board with you and, like him, I am annoyed to think a friend would have given out your e-mail address so casually.

You really have been through the mill and the last thing you need is this worry when you and husband have had to deal with so much. x

PregnantSea · 21/01/2019 04:51

Sorry my last comment was before I saw the rest of the messages - I'm so sorry you're going through this OP it sounds horrible.

I had a physically abusive ex who I thankfully got away from. About a year later he started contacting a close family member of mine who has learning difficulties because he knew it would be easy to get information from him.

Fortunately he has a criminal record so isn't able to travel to the country that hubby and I have emigrated too, but it was very scary to know he'd gone to such lengths to find out my contact details, and even the emails were very upsetting for me.

Good luck OP, stay united with your wonderful hubby and don't let this piece of shit break you xxx

MRex · 21/01/2019 11:13

I don't know that we can really criticise a friend for passing on an email address. He could have met someone who simply hasn't seen him for 10 years, said he wanted to apologise and they thought there would be no harm. They wouldn't necessarily know he would be so fixated, nor attempt blackmail, nor even that he was in prison. Of course it would be better to ask first, but not everyone realises some of the potential risks; OP said he did a runner, but she didn't mention other indications of this behaviour back then.

MRex · 21/01/2019 11:17

Frankly I'd be happy for almost all my exes to be given my email address if they wanted to get in touch; it's not always a problem. I can also readily imagine a con innocuously slipping "oh I remember x, would love to say hi" into conversation to get an email address out of someone.

Honeyroar · 21/01/2019 11:23

It would be better if the friend had said, "let me give her your number and she can contact you if she wants." Particularly when he obviously caused so much upset when he left her so suddenly, it was hardly an amicable split. You don't know what can of worms you're opening by just passing on someone's number. Even if it wasn't something as stalky as this it could have upset her husband.

MRex · 21/01/2019 11:25

Of course that would be better, as would asking her first, but not everyone has that awareness. Also it was 10 years ago so not everyone will remember finer details to understand acrimonious the split was.

Knittedgnome · 21/01/2019 12:04

An email is one thing but a number is a bit much.

UniversalAunt · 21/01/2019 17:22

Q: “I don't know that we can really criticise a friend for passing on an email address.” ?

A:”It would be better if the friend had said, "let me give her your number and she can contact you if she wants."...

BBCONEANDTWO · 21/01/2019 17:31

Don't reply so then he doesn't know that he has the correct contact details and block him.

Tell your DH about it in a. jokey way as in 'Wtf does this guy thinks he is stalking me! and leaving it at that.

Don't even think about it again or you are gonna end up needing more advice soon.

UniversalAunt · 21/01/2019 17:33

Irrespective of the OP’s history, it is a sound principle not to pass on another person’s contact or other details.

Petalflowers · 21/01/2019 18:00

Just caught up,with this thread. Hope you are okay. So glad you have told your dh, and he is fully supporting you.

Original poster
sarah2014 · 21/01/2019 18:26

I’ve not had any messages since but I have managed to find the leak. It turns out he visited my old place of work, he asked if i still work there and not many people are still there so no one had any idea who I was except for one lady in admin office who I knew vaguely, we didn’t have much to do with each other so it was a proffessional relationship. She contacted me about a year ago on Facebook asking if I could help her with applying to uni as she wanted to become a physio and as it’s my field I could support her in her career change, I gave my email and number and we exchange few emails when I checked her personal statement for uni and that was it. Never heard since, didn’t even let me know if she got in and I’ve never asked.
I’ve spoken to her and asked why she gave my details to him but she’s insisting she did nothing wrong, he said he was a freind and wanted to contact me urgently as he had some important news for me. She genuinely was sharp with me for questioning her!! I told her he’s been in prison and her reply was he seemed like a geniune lovely man to me.

OP posts:
BejamNostalgia · 21/01/2019 18:30

Can a police officer access the police database to find out information for a friend?

They can’t. But the likelihood is that they would know perfectly legal and legitimate ways of finding out, like using the law pages and calling the court he was tried at. Even members of the public can do that. Googling press reports is helpful.

In the OPs case, making a formal report, particularly of the hints of blackmail would be wise including the info he has been in jail. This would hopefully prompt the police to check out his background and warn OP if it flags up danger.

Or she could call his local crown court and ask if there is a way of accessing records for cases including defendants of his name appx date etc.

Honeyroar · 21/01/2019 18:31

I think id be writing to her manager suggesting that they tighten their personal data confidentiality management. Stupid woman!

CandleConcerto · 21/01/2019 18:32

He totally manipulated her into giving him your details! That’s so weird!