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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for not telling DH my first love has returned?

327 replies

sarah2014 · 19/01/2019 18:06

Okay first thread so bare with me I’m new to all this but have no idea who else to ask
Long story short 10years ago I thought I met a guy I was madly in love with, first proper bf first intimate partner etc, we only dated for 2 years when we decided to marry, however one day way before the wedding day he TEXT me saying he doesn’t love me anymore, I took the break up really badly didn’t get into a relationship for a good 3 years after this (when I met current DH) for obvious trust issues
Met DH 3 years later we are now married with 2 kids everything is great, we have good steady jobs we own a lovely house and financially are settled.
Now out for the blue I get an email from my ex, he says he really really wants to meet me he’s tried searching for me on all social networks (I use my married name hence why he hasn’t found me) and he’s managed to get my email through an old acquaintance he didn’t mention who.
He explains he’s been in jail and did a lot of thinking and how he treated me and through all 10years it’s only ever been me he’s truly loved.
I haven’t replied
I haven’t told DH
What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
sarah2014 · 21/01/2019 18:32

I was tempted to message his sister on fb and let her know what’s been happening and ask why he’s in prison, They were never very close but I got on well with her as we were same age ex was 5years older than me. We stayed in touch for a while after my split from ex but relationship faded out soon after. She’s still on Facebook but we’re not freinds although I can see a lot of her posts and never seen any mention of him. Would it be unreasonable to message her?

OP posts:
shallichangemyname · 21/01/2019 18:43

Understand why you are curious, but don't. It sends out all the wrong messages, making it seem you are interested.

CandleConcerto · 21/01/2019 18:46

I know that there’s history but really, he’s a stranger. He’s grown up for a decade without you. I’d stay out. This won’t end well.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 21/01/2019 18:51

She’s insisting she did nothing wrong??!?!!?!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 21/01/2019 18:53

Don’t get in touch with the sister, it will just add fuel to his fire.

Petalflowers · 21/01/2019 18:59

I agree, don’t contact the sister. She’s likely to tell ex that Sarah contacted her, and it may sound like you are interested.

Also, maybeworth changing your user name if Sarah is your real name.

Original poster
sarah2014 · 21/01/2019 19:20

I know what u mean, I wouldn’t want him to think I am asking out of care as it’s not, it’s curiosity

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 21/01/2019 20:03

I think id be writing to her manager suggesting that they tighten their personal data confidentiality management.

This.

Indie139 · 21/01/2019 20:06

IGNORE

legoqueen · 21/01/2019 20:52

Not a good idea to contact the sister - they may be close &, particularly as you got on, she may like the idea of you being back in his life.

I agree with the PP who suggests logging the contact with the police now, as a precaution - if he's gone to the lengths of visiting your former workplace, he sounds determined to make contact.

So pleased your DH is on side. Please be careful, Sethis has some good advice.

aynsleyred · 21/01/2019 21:17

I wouldn’t contact the sister, she’ll then know your married name and could pass it on, making it easier for him to get further details on you.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 21/01/2019 21:35

I know it's crap she gave him your email, it's must be a bit of a comfort to know your friends didn't give him your info and then lie to you about it.

I probably would log this with police just incase it escalates further, the fact he went into your old workplace to find you is a Level of stalker behaviour that does not sit well with me at all.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 21/01/2019 21:36

Also, have you googled his full name? That should give you some information about his prison sentence.

Kintan · 21/01/2019 21:36

The woman that gave him your email address needs to get into serious trouble with your old work. Is there an HR department you can contact? I can’t believe she is insisting she did nothing wrong!

housewifeoflittleitaly · 21/01/2019 21:43

Sounds like a steps program for release. I’d delete & ignore.

Original poster
sarah2014 · 21/01/2019 22:32

I was thinking of calling the HR dept but as she didn’t use the workplace database to access my details (they wouldn’t have had my new details anyway) i thought they wouldn’t do much. I am very relieved it’s not a freind and also relieved she doesn’t have my address atleast! I would never think to pass anyone’s details to a stranger! I ended the conversation telling her police will be involved and I’ll be giving her name as well as being involved, was very pissed off at this point and she replied in the most patronising voice something along the lines of making a mountain out of a molehill!?!
I’ve been searching online records doesn’t help his surname is very popular so there are tons of results

OP posts:
Kintan · 21/01/2019 22:50

I think you could try complaining to the HR department. She gave out details of an ex employee during her working hours, so I wouldn’t have thought it would matter how she had your details, she gave them out to a (to her) random stranger in a work context.

MyOtherProfile · 21/01/2019 23:01

I agree with kintan. He asked her because it was your old workplace. She needs to know that info like that can't be given out, however lovely the person appears.

Iflyaway · 21/01/2019 23:06

Why the fuck would you even think about an X who was in jail??!

Just think you had a lucky escape!

UniversalAunt · 21/01/2019 23:26

Reminder about the online resource Thelawpages.
Previous poster gave the URL.
All public domain stuff.
But pause to ask yourself why you want to know.
Idle curiosity? Necessity?
If you have concerns about you & your family’s safety, formally contact the police so that they can check his criminal record, do a risk assessment & give you pertinent advice.

Leave his sister alone.
You cannot know how contacting her will turn out, it could be a damp squib or the proverbial box of silver charms.

I would contact your previous employer to raise the issue of your one-time colleague handing out your personal information. She clearly has not done or taken seriously her GDPR training, something that organisation needs to take seriously.

Your ex - who sounds creepier as you find out more - has undertaken some nifty Social Engineering & your one-time chum has been played.

Did I mention it’s a script...

UniversalAunt · 21/01/2019 23:31

BTW, data does not have to electronically stored to be covered by the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR). The point is that it is data that is personal &/or sensitive.

The word ‘protection’ is a clue.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 22/01/2019 00:03

Speak to the company about the gdpr issue.
Get this reported to the police through 101.
Don't contact him or his sister.
Make sure all family and friends and work etc are aware of the issue and that the police are involved and please pass any requests from him for your details to the police quoting whatever the crime ref number is.

jessstan2 · 22/01/2019 02:15

That woman should not have passed your email address on to him; the correct thing would have been to take his email and offer to pass it on to you, then leave it up to you.

mobyduck · 22/01/2019 02:18

Life is short, you need him, he needs you. Love is real and forever. The only real and forever there is.

UniversalAunt · 22/01/2019 02:34

So the chain is he contacted your ex employer, not the directly person (who gave him the details. He manipulated one of their current employees to pass on personal data about an ex-employee. That she may have pulled your contact details out of her address book or an old company list of contact numbers is moot as it is entirely through the organisation that this exchange took place.

Whether or not the company choose to treat this a breach of GDPR is down to them, but they should know as their corporate training is not up to scratch.

...& yes, some people do let their guard down & share information to their & other people’s detriment if the requester is really nice about it or they believe some line they have been spun. It’s a script that works whether it is about unclaimed fortunes, unfortunate donkeys or friends wanting to get in touch. Also none of are immune to being played.

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