AIBU for not telling DH my first love has returned?

[sarah2014]

Okay first thread so bare with me I’m new to all this but have no idea who else to ask
Long story short 10years ago I thought I met a guy I was madly in love with, first proper bf first intimate partner etc, we only dated for 2 years when we decided to marry, however one day way before the wedding day he TEXT me saying he doesn’t love me anymore, I took the break up really badly didn’t get into a relationship for a good 3 years after this (when I met current DH) for obvious trust issues
Met DH 3 years later we are now married with 2 kids everything is great, we have good steady jobs we own a lovely house and financially are settled.
Now out for the blue I get an email from my ex, he says he really really wants to meet me he’s tried searching for me on all social networks (I use my married name hence why he hasn’t found me) and he’s managed to get my email through an old acquaintance he didn’t mention who.
He explains he’s been in jail and did a lot of thinking and how he treated me and through all 10years it’s only ever been me he’s truly loved.
I haven’t replied
I haven’t told DH
What do I do?

Not heard anything since the morning call, I thought he may try another number or email but so far nothing. I wonder if the threat of police has scared him off? I’m really hoping this is the end of it
DH freind starts work at 7pm so might find out something later tonight on prison charges

Depending on when he got out of prison he may still be on license. One report from you could see him straight back to jail.

I hope it's been enough to scare him off and that he gets on with his life far away from yours.

Can a police officer access the police database to find out information for a friend? I thought this was a breech of data protection , and could lead to disciplinary action, even if the information would have been reported in the media, and easily available in a quick search on name and location.

This is showing clear escalation.

Intro email > Email with pictures > Phone Call

The next obvious step is him turning up at your house. I would give some thought as to how you're going to deal with that if it happens.

Do you have an easy way of checking who it is before you open the door to anyone? Peephole, chain, window? I would start using any of those as a matter of urgency. You do not want to have a face to face conversation with this person with your front door open.

If you work, how do you get to work, and what is your plan if he approaches you when you are on the way to or from work? Or even if you're just going shopping? A suggestion would be to make an immediate line to the nearest open business, enter, and calmly tell a staff member that this person is stalking you and you would like them to call the police. Wait until they arrive and tell them what happened.

It might also be a good idea to make sure your phone is always easily accessible, and that you can start recording video quickly if needed. That way you can record evidence for the police that he approached you in your house or elsewhere.

Fingers crossed that he takes your message to heart and you never hear from him again, but be safe, just in case he doesn't. All the best to you and your family.

Basically he's fucked up his own life and now wants to fuck up yours

Sounds like you've done everything you should do OP.

If he's in your home town that's 100 miles away isn't It?
At least DH can now support you. Try not to worry too much.

Thing that would bug me is he has been given your phone details by someone.
I'd send a message to all possible mutual friends again ( and wrack your brains for everyone, work colleagues etc) making it very clear police will be informed if this escalates and that someone has given him your contact no and if you do find out who that will be the end of any friendship.

You are married now, delete and block and move on. It is his loss, you have moved on now.

Just read your updates, what a creep, glad you told your dh, he sound lovely, you have a good one there.

He's gone to a LOT of trouble to find out where you are. The fact he knows you are married and still continues is creepy in itself.
You have done the right thing in telling your DH. Check your Facebook settings though. If you put your number on SM at any point, and didn't lock down your SM, it actually isn't that hard to find out someone's details from that ( found that out the hard way years back). Also google search yourself. It may have been your friends, but check everything else as well.
Hugs OP.... My daughter is being stalked by an ex, and we have involved the Police and her Uni. Its unbearably creepy.

ReginaGeorge2nd Sun 20-Jan-19 07:02:49
Hate the judgement on this thread. Not everyone who has been in prison has defrauded the vulnerable out of millions or murdered their grandmother and her 8 cats.

People make mistakes. The difference is knowing you’ve made a mistake and changing your life for the better.

That is all.

Yes, well this arsehole has clearly learned nothing and is now trying harassment and possibly blackmail on for size. Quite often people make the same mistakes over and over and never learn from them. Not everyone is reformable.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Good that you told your DH and great he's being so supportive.

Have you told him you are married now?

This is a good point that Theunsungsong makes. Can a Police Officer just dive in and get that information for you OP? Has he said he can? Because surely he'd know that he can't just do that?

And OhDearGod - KMA

I’ve never put my mobile number on any social networks, I have Facebook but not very active on it at all, think the last time I posted something was to thank people for bday messages. I have been on and searched through freinds list but cannot see him on any lists.
Saying that DH suggested I write a post asking if anyone has given my number out recently due to an ex getting in contact which has involved police, see if anything comes of that.
He does live over 100 miles away as I moved out of town but he also got hold on my email and number so I’m concerned it won’t take long for him to track my address.

There has been a lot of email leaks in the press recently. Have you checked your email isn't involved? It is one that would be quite identifiable as yours (ie does it include your name?)

It may be that he got it online. Finding emails is generally not too hard, depending on how careful people are.

I know on reflection it wasn’t fair to ask freind to find out and have reconsidered. Purely only because of his own risks, no empathy or sympathy for ex to snoop on him after the lengths he’s gone through to find me.

Just go and speak to the police. He's on license so they will act. I really don't understand why you haven't done so already.

You do not fall for any of for ex's rubbish, you tell him that you have moved on and are happy. Then wish him the best but ask that he leave you alone. AND you tell your DH so that it doesn't become a secret. They have a habit of coming out and not in the way you would choose. Hiding it makes it look like you have something to hide and you don't.

You'd be a fool to fall for your ex's "I still love you" or be drawn into it all based on your past feelings. He has shown you he is unreliable and he is in prison so that seems unlikely to have changed. Moreover, if he really had loved you or had any decency at all he would have ended your relationship in person. At the very least he is a coward. When you are settled things like this can feel new and exciting, more so than your current happy but quiet life. They aren't, pursuing contact will only bring you misery.

As he's been to prison you might find a record of his conviction here, try a search on Google using his name in quote marks. If you think it would be the local crown court, then select the court name here: www.thelawpages.com/legal-directory/crown-courts.php; select the hearings list, next page "details and sentences" and it'll show 5 most recent cases; keep adding "more" until you find his name, then click through for conviction info.

Oh dear. I hope he leaves you alone now. You and your children need to feel safe.

Can a police officer access the police database to find out information for a friend? I thought this was a breech of data protection

They can't. If this police office DID access the database, it would have serious consequences. If this friend is a new recruit to the force, then he may not realise that, although I would be very surprised.

Don’t ask your mate to do a search on the PNC, he can be sacked for looking at stuff unrelated to crimes he’s investigating. He should know this from recent training if he’s just joined up. You can’t just look up info on random people.

Do you think your ex is doing the 12 steps or something? Don’t you have to apologise to everyone etc?

Do you think your ex is doing the 12 steps or something? Don’t you have to apologise to everyone etc?

Apologise is one thing. Stalk, blackmail & harass isn't part of the steps as far as I know.

I hope that's the end of it now Op - fingers crossed.

Alas my comments are built upon the very unfortunate experiences of a member of our family.

The second call from a new unknown number, I am sorry to both know and say, are part of the script. This person may well escalate contact and comment with others to coerce OP into making contact e.g. you did not answer me so I did this & that, & it is all your fault. If you had done as I wanted this & that would not have happened etc.

It is a script.

Well done you & DH for getting to grips with this as a team .

BTW, eventually you will find out who relayed your information to the Ex & if speak with your social circle to bring them up to date, hopefully you will hear the penny dropping for them.
But until you do, be very very circumspect about who you answer the phone to - because some people are daft enough to ring you & then hand the phone over to the perpetrator, & you do not need this crap - & limit distribution of any new number to a small essential circle until this matter has been resolved.

Alas, the harrassed member of my family had months of multiple changing numbers etc as her harrassor kept finding her new number through friends who would pass on her number as they somehow thought that his persistence was romantic & true*. Never mind that she had fled in fear of her life & was housed in a refuge.

Not that this is your situation but to say aloud that he is following a script. It is about him, not you. You have control. You & OH are a team.

• ring any bells? Follow that lead for your leak.