Dd’s Bf being a Cf?

[WhiningweeWitch]

In short, Dd left home a year ago to live and work in another city a couple of hours drive away. Her longterm bf went with her, he got a job there, they secured a lovely home in a great area. All fine and dandy.

Now, though, she’s unwell with MHWB issues (she was very homesick, having issues with the new job) so is on meds and signed off work by GP and has been back staying with us for a few months to get back on her feet. Her bf is still living in their home. But, almost every weekend he comes to stay with us.

This is the problem as I’m really beginning to feel that our personal space is being invaded and it’s building my resentment.

Dd’s bf typically arrives on a Friday evening, then they rarely go over the door all weekend, they sleep in until the afternoon (I understand her sleep patterns are a mess because of her MHWB and meds), they both hang out around the house having late brunch, drinking tea and coffee, eating our food all Saturday and Sunday until he goes home late on Sunday evening.

DH and I are rarely getting any time to ourselves at the weekend (we both work ft in stressful jobs) as we end up catering for Dd and bf - getting food shopping in for the weekend, making all the main meals including Sunday dinners.

The house is a mess, I’m tripping over dd’s bf’s shoes that he dumps in the hallway when he arrives, I can’t get on with my weekend housework as they’re either sleeping or sitting around and in the way.

They invited us out for dinner a few weeks ago, dh and I were delighted but at the end of the meal we ended up paying the bill as Dd and Bf hadnt been to cash machine yet.

Bf never puts his hands in his pocket, never contributes.

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support - which means me biting my tongue and letting this it go? She cannot take any stress or conflict atm and we are walking in eggshells to ensure she is stable.

Thing is, OP, with every sympathy for your situation, the whole thrust of your original post has changed. Back then, you hardly mentioned how sick your daughter is, focusing instead on how inconvenienced you are, how annoying he is, how he never puts his hand in his pocket and how he is a CF, and that you want your home back. I would have thought that you could have focused, as a team, on how best to get her back on track, back to her own home (if that's what she wants), getting counselling and changing meds so that she DOES make progress. He obviously is devoted and wants to help her, but he's the one who is actually inconvenienced and is having his life turned upside down, not you. Why are you not all talking? When I had a complete breakdown, many years ago, my DH moved heaven and earth to sort out counselling and medications. He sat with me for hours just listening, and set me small daily projects which involved using brain power, but forcing me out of bed. He gave me pages of original Latin to translate, such as Caesar's Gallic War, and then made me talk to him about it.(I mention that because there is nothing like a bit of mental focus in the black fog that is depression). Bit by bit, together with an expensive counsellor, he helped me rebuild my life. Is that what her bf is doing for her, just talking and being there, holding her and listening? If so, you should be grateful, because in my experience that sort of loving care is the best therapy. There's no point in grousing and whining about his bad habits if you don't tell him that it's annoying you. This whole scenario, I'm sorry, is just odd.

OP I am stunned and saddened at some of the responses you have received here, you are clearly a Mum beside herself with worry trying to ensure your DD (regardless of her age I can't believe anybody this this matters in these circumstances!) gets the best help and care possible.

Her BF sounds perhaps more than a bit financially slack but does appear to have really stuck out some tough times and clearly wants to see her return to full health.

I think in your shoes an honest and open conversation needs to happen for your own sanity. Explain yes you are happy for DD to be with you as long as is needed, he is welcome to visit, but yourself and your husband also need some sort of normality and space. Tell him you need X amount of hours maybe on a Saturday afternoon to get your chores done, could he take DD for lunch/coffee/film/art exhibition whatever really for this hours?
Could you take it in turns to cook Sunday roast maybe? Could DD be involved in this type of chat? If not you'll need to set out some clear boundaries and maybe that he needs to leave after Sunday lunch in order you can get yourself in order for the week....
It sounds as if he's not the most perceptive of chaps so you will need to spell out for him exactly what is and is not acceptable in your home clown shoes included and take it from there.

If you don't let him know what is bothering you, eventually you'll end up blowing a gasket which won't help anybody.

I really hope your family can find a way to make this all a bit less stressful and that your DD gets the time she needs to fully recover.

OP no need to thank me, I was worried I might offend you.
I think that you are absolutely right that the BF should be doing more. Does he actually have a cognitive understanding of depression at all? And that sitting on his arse with her all the time at yours is unhelpful?

I'm wondering if his laziness ,lack of financial support and untidiness is a bigger part of her problem that comes across on the thread?
Is that what her living conditions were like at home? Were both of them sitting around inside all the time doing nothing that would allow your daughter to form a bond with her new location?
If you are struggling with his laziness and lack of consideration - and you are mentally well - imagine how hopeless your daughter might feel dealing with that on top of being homesick, and unwell and financially responsible for the both of them.
Appearing for free food, a clean house and a maid (you) as well as a rent free, bill free flat is a pretty attractive deal.

I'd put some ground rules to him. No sleeping all day because it's bad for your daughters health. No sitting around all day for the same reason, and give him a list of things to do. After all, he's made himself a member of the household - he's past the stage of a guest. Make him and your daughter chip in to help.

But definitely suggest to your daughter ending the lease, as it sounds like she will be with you for a while. As I said ,use that money for her health not BF's accomodation. She's being taken for a ride funding the BF's lifestyle in another city and so are you. Is it her he's devoted to , or the manner in which she has kept him?

I'd be interested to hear his response upon suggesting he start to help and pay for his own food, or if he thought it was a good idea for your daughter to go back to theirs for the weekend.

How old is your daughter?! You say waiting for CAMHS is 16 weeks. You shouldn’t have dripfed that as if your daughter falls into the CAMHS age range then this is a different matter. I assumed you were talking about an adult in their 20s.

Does she still have a job? Being on sick for so long having been employed for less than a year, I would think they wouldn’t be happy. If she’s u18 then maybe it’s best she’s at home.

Have you thought about counselling yourself? It’s a lot to try process and I think you may be projecting a bit onto the boyfriend. I’m sure he’s annoying but if your daughter is awaiting CAMHS input then it must be stressful for you all!

So your daughter is under 25, OP ?

Maybe he is also having a hard time knowing what to do to help your dd. Maybe he is just doing what she wants to make her happy. Now obv he should be encouraging her to do more but maybe he doesn't know that.
All of this could be solved by a conversation. Ask him to contribute, not leave his shoes etc. Then discuss how best you can all help your dd.
I am sorry you are all going through this but you have to look at the bigger picture here, if your dd can't cope living away from home and has severe depression it's not gonna completely go away. You need to give her the tools she needs to live independently with her illness. She can't expect to be able to go live with you for weeks on end every time she has an episode.

CAMHS is usually up to 16/18 depending on team. So the daughter is very young.

www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/child-and-adolescent-mental-health-services-camhs/

The daughter is in her 20s, employed, with an adult relationship and a home of her own.

If she is under 18, that is probably why a) OP is financially supporting her so much, and b) why the boyfriend is so useless - teenage boys are not known for their financial stability and affinity for household chores. Teenagers lying about in bed all day seems pretty normal.

OP it would be great if you could stop dripfeeding - there is a world of difference between a mildly homesick 27yr old with “wellbeing” problems and a suicidal 17yr old. I’m not surprised you have been upset by the harshness of the replies, but surely you can see why?

Polly, she isn’t if she is waiting to see CAMHS.

Sashkin - the OP told us that she is in her 20s, as is her bf

Well I guess you should again discuss her going home at weekends.
If you want the relationship to be over be honest with yourself. If you don’t (although sounds very much like you do) then set out some ground rules and accept that your daughters partner is in your life. Imagine 10 years on if for some reason you wanted your daughter living there to help her. Would you tell her husband the invitation was for the genuine family only?

I know that Polly. But if she is in her late 20s then she isn’t waiting to see the paediatric psychiatry team, which is what CAMHS is. They don’t see adults. I have plenty of experience of NHS mental health services, both personally and professionally. CAMHS do not see people in their late 20s. That is well into adult services.

But then, at the beginning of the thread she just had a bit of homesickness and now she is on 24hr suicide watch, so who knows?

I do understand that people change details to make things less identifiable, and I am definitely not troll hunting. OP said herself that she had changed a few things because she found it hard to talk about her daughter’s illness. That is well within her rights to do so. But it makes it really hard to follow when details keep changing, and it means that a lot of answers are going to be unhelpful to the OP because they are going on wrong information.

The story makes a lot more sense if she has changed her daughter’s age and she is actually 17/18.

I am sure earlier on in the thread she said both daughter and boyfriend were in their twenties but boyfriend a few years older, so I thought maybe 22/23 and 27.

Maybe there is something like CAHMS for young adults who are no longer teens, near where the op lives.

This is so sad, the op and her husband are doing the best they can and are not really asking for much - just a bit of peace and space to enjoy themselves and each other at weekends sometimes. Even paid carers have days off!

Yet I know (up to a point) how the op feels. We'd all help our adult kids, wouldn't we? The parents need a bit of help too! They don't know what to do for the best, poor souls, but creating a safe place for their child can only be a good thing and it won't be forever.

From fellow posters on Mumsnet, a few kind words will not be wasted and if we do feel a bit exasperated because we don't really understand, we can say nothing.

So her bf isn’t helping with the situation. This goes back to ground rules in your home and how to behave. I think you need to talk to him separately so he is aware of the impact on doing nothing has on your dd, write him an email or call him if necessary.

If your dd went to see him in their flat at the weekend, she would actually be getting out twice at the very least over a short period of time.

What I don’t understand though is why you aren’t talking to both of them while they are there and talking about your expectations as well as pushing them out the door even if it’s just for a walk.

There is a fine line between infantilising your dd and treating her and her bf as equals. I think you’re not hitting the treating as equals tbh. I also don’t understand why you can’t pay for private counselling while your dd lives away. The money you spend on food for her /them, heating her room, driving her to appointments etc would easily cover a session a week if not more.

She hasn’t made much progress here so perhaps a rethink? I’m not saying sending her back is the solution. But you don’t seem to have the solution atm and as others have said she is going to find it increasingly difficult to return to her adult life. In any case, you aren’t pushing your dd much. If you were, she would be going to see him the weekend. Perhaps not every one. But every other would be a start.

What I am saying is that you are also very much esponsible for this situation. I think you are projecting your anger at yourselves for not pushing your dd to do more onto her bf. And just as an aside, he’s her partner, not bf. Partner sounds much more grown up.

CAHMS is for children.

YABU. His only crime is having big shoes in the way. I don’t really think he should be doing chores but generally pitching in is nice. Your DD should be helping though.

If she’s still suicidal to the extent she needs this level of care then she needs to go back to her GP/ psychiatrist and tell them.

I would be grateful and probably surprised that her DP was dedicated enough to her to stick by her. I actually feel sorry for him- he’s moved away to be with someone who has ended up sick and now he’s living alone in a new place. And he’s not even welcome at the weekend!

I hate to say this OP, but my feeling from your posts is that you are letting your daughter believe that you are the only person who can take care of her, treating her as a child, and being quite controlling , and I wonder if this has contributed to her being vulnerable to mh issues.

^this.

OP, I absolutely believe that you love your daughter and mean well for her, and are doing what you think is best. But what also appears to me from reading all your posts on this thread is this:

1. you rather like having your daughter home and within the scope of your control again, and aren't eager for her to resume life two hours away
2. you have never liked her boyfriend/partner, and regard this as a good opportunity to get rid of him.

Also, I think you really need to cut through this situation with some clarity. We are now into months of your daughter in full retreat from adult life. Either she is not getting better, in which case you need to explore the possibility that this situation is not healthy for her and not aiding recovery, or you need to, bluntly put, stop pulling the "she's suicidal and completely nonfunctional" card. It can't be both. Most adults simply don't have the opportunity to vegetate at their parents' home for months on end, and frankly their recovery is the better for it.

I think it's time to call time on this whole situation. Your daughter needs to start working towards moving back to her own flat two hours away and accessing private therapy there, or she needs to start working towards getting her own flat in your town if that is where she actually wants to be.

"Thing is, OP, with every sympathy for your situation, the whole thrust of your original post has changed. Back then, you hardly mentioned how sick your daughter is, focusing instead on how inconvenienced you are, how annoying he is, how he never puts his hand in his pocket and how he is a CF, and that you want your home back."

^ This.

OP - your initial AIBU was solely focused on the boyfriend pissing you off. For which YABVU.

You've then gone on to share more about the situation and have received some very helpful advice from others regarding your daughter's health.

But don't make out like you came here asking for advice regarding your unwell daughter and received a load of nasty replies. You came here gunning for her poor boyfriend who you evidently dislike, and people have pointed out how unfair of you that is.

It sounds to me like she has a long road to recovery and she should officially move home. She shouldn't have the added pressure of supporting her fully functional boyfriend, and nor should you.

She needs to restart completely, not this half-hearted-more-of-the-same situation you are all in now.

You have said this has been going on for months now.. Unless something changes, nothing will change.

You are in an awful situation, but it sounds like someone needs to be making decisions and it can't be your DD.

You are in an awful situation, but it sounds like someone needs to be making decisions and it can't be your DD.

On the contrary, I think it may help DD if there is some expectation that she should start to look at her situation and make some decisions regarding her way forward. Yes she has been unwell but continuing to treat her like a child and allowing her to opt out of real life is doing her no favours whatsoever.

This thread has changed from a woman in her 20s being homesick and her bf leaving shoes in the hallway and not paying for meals out to a child on 24/7 suicide watch with a bf who she didn’t even want to move in with her compounding her illness by forcing her to remain indoors all weekend and have lie ins.

It is definitely possible that your dislike of him is colouring your view of the situation. What do you want him to do? It’s starting to sound like his existence is the problem rather than his big feet. I’d be surprised if your dislike is specific to him and not to the situation of your dd having an adult relationship generally.

Many thanks for the replies but this will be my last comment on this as it’s getting to me quite a bit.

Sorry, but this is a very difficult issue and I don’t want to give out too much personal, confidential information. It’s not about drip feeding info its a very complicated personal situation.

Dd is in her early 20s. CAMHS extends in some situations and some areas to young adults aged under 25. The upshot is that even so CAMHS were useless, stretched and inconsistent. So we had to get something else in place quickly. I don’t know the services in their local area - it takes a lot of time and research to find out because the whole MH service is patchy and it’s a bit of a PC lottery like most NHS treatment services.

The whole situation is difficult for us all and I wrote yesterday’s question out of frustration