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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd’s Bf being a Cf?

287 replies

WhiningweeWitch · 19/01/2019 13:04

In short, Dd left home a year ago to live and work in another city a couple of hours drive away. Her longterm bf went with her, he got a job there, they secured a lovely home in a great area. All fine and dandy.

Now, though, she’s unwell with MHWB issues (she was very homesick, having issues with the new job) so is on meds and signed off work by GP and has been back staying with us for a few months to get back on her feet. Her bf is still living in their home. But, almost every weekend he comes to stay with us.

This is the problem as I’m really beginning to feel that our personal space is being invaded and it’s building my resentment.

Dd’s bf typically arrives on a Friday evening, then they rarely go over the door all weekend, they sleep in until the afternoon (I understand her sleep patterns are a mess because of her MHWB and meds), they both hang out around the house having late brunch, drinking tea and coffee, eating our food all Saturday and Sunday until he goes home late on Sunday evening.

DH and I are rarely getting any time to ourselves at the weekend (we both work ft in stressful jobs) as we end up catering for Dd and bf - getting food shopping in for the weekend, making all the main meals including Sunday dinners.

The house is a mess, I’m tripping over dd’s bf’s shoes that he dumps in the hallway when he arrives, I can’t get on with my weekend housework as they’re either sleeping or sitting around and in the way.

They invited us out for dinner a few weeks ago, dh and I were delighted but at the end of the meal we ended up paying the bill as Dd and Bf hadnt been to cash machine yet.

Bf never puts his hands in his pocket, never contributes.

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support - which means me biting my tongue and letting this it go? She cannot take any stress or conflict atm and we are walking in eggshells to ensure she is stable.

OP posts:
Mummylife2018 · 19/01/2019 23:48

Sounds like she is not ill. She just doesn't want to live where she moved to!
OP, do you realise quite how many people in the UK are ill with mental health issues? I am a single mother with clinical depression. I cannot run off home and abandon my life (in my case, my baby) and it wouldn't help me if I did! I have to deal with it the best way I can and move forwards...., taking each day as it comes.
Millions of people out there are homesick (especially in the military/others working overseas or simply away from home) but they just have to get on with life! It does not mean they are 'ill' and need babying.
I don't mean any disrespect with this, but you did ask for opinions?

Loseitandkeepitlost · 19/01/2019 23:48

I get that you are supporting your daughter and that is lovely in the short term but what is actually being put in place to help her return to adult life?

Counselling can go on for many months or years, it will be very difficult for her to have that support as she reestablishes herself if the person she's seeing is two hours away from home and work.

She and her boyfriend need to work out what they do. Will he move, would she return home if she had a job she was happier with etc etc.

It is honestly in her best interests if she is gently encouraged into taking steps back into resuming her life. It is lovely that you've supported her, but it can become very comfortable to stay away from a job you dislike if your bills are still being paid.

OurLove · 19/01/2019 23:56

Op

Tell him he is longer welcome. Set him free!

Poor man. He's young, found a job easily in a new city and is a good partner who moved cities for his gf and is still supportive of her through serious health problems. Sounds like a catch. Set him free to find a new supportive gf.

OurLove · 19/01/2019 23:56

No longer welcome I mean!

WidowTwonky · 19/01/2019 23:59

Can’t believe that at mid to late 20s the BF doesn’t think to offer to contribute towards food. He IBU for that

Original poster
WhiningweeWitch · 20/01/2019 00:00

Elvis86, you’ve already told me that I AMBVU thanks very much but you are being way ott with the aggression.

When you’ve had to deal with a suicidal child (whether adult or not) and had all the stresses of keeping them alive as well as trying to find support where there is actually none due to a lack of services then you can come back and accuse me of bs.

FYI The counselling is through a charity that is plugging the gap in services because there are none and we are doing our utmost to fund the sessions she gets.

Damn right I want to keep an eye on my dd, it’s not spoiling her or pandering to her, it’s actually to keep her safe and alive.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 20/01/2019 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pollyglot · 20/01/2019 00:12

Surely, if your child is suicidal to the extent that she can't be left alone (and for that you have my sympathy), surely she should be admitted to a MH ward for close monitoring? If you are having "to keep her alive", then this is a life-threatening emergency situation. Does the NHS not take this sort of thing seriously? (I don't live in the UK).

elvis86 · 20/01/2019 00:12

OurLove - damn right! 😂

SleepingStandingUp · 20/01/2019 00:16

OP I get you want her where she can be looked after but surely the bf being there weekends actually GIVES you some freedom. Book a weekend away knowing she's safe or go out for dinner just the two of you.

But DO tell him he needs to put his shoes away and help in the house. I lighthearted

"well you've been here long enough not Steve, it's definately time you helped with the washing up" and hand him a tea towel.

If he leaves his shoes out "Steve, put those away before someone trips over them. You're hardly a guest any more!"

"you pair should go and get some fresh air, your Dad and I want to have sex on the sofa"

If feeding him weekends is costing too much the have a word privately with him or your daughter.

Other than that I think you have to suck it up short term for her sake, recommend they trial a weekend back home and stand up a little more for what you expect of him whilst he's there

Original poster
WhiningweeWitch · 20/01/2019 00:17

Pollygot, sadly the NHS has not been great. It’s very true that there’s a mh crisis in the UK atm

OP posts:
pollyglot · 20/01/2019 00:21

OP - it would have been a good idea to have been straight in your original post, as you made it seem that she was simply "homesick..having issues with new job", not that there was a critical situation with suicide, requiring a constant supervisory presence. By dripfeeding all these extra details, you have undermined your case. If her meds are not working, then she needs them reviewed to prevent self-harming. Complaining about shoes in the hall and having to pay for food looks petty if there is actually a life at stake.

Original poster
WhiningweeWitch · 20/01/2019 00:25

Sleepingstandingup that’s what I thought would happen.

Ourlove sounds like you’d have him.

Did I mention that he’s tight with money, he never gets his round in, doesn’t contribute much to anything or anyone. She never demanded or asked him to move either.

FrancisCrawford have you ever tried to access mh services? You might be surprised at how few and far between they are.

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 20/01/2019 00:27

It sounds like you just don't like him and would rather he wasn't on the scene. It also sounds like you resent the fact that he's not earning as much as her. Is that because he's older or just because he's male?

Original poster
WhiningweeWitch · 20/01/2019 00:28

Pollygot, it’s actually a really difficult sensitive issue that takes a lot to talk about.

OP posts:
JamAtkins · 20/01/2019 00:30

Don’t get this. She isn’t well enough to live in her own house or do anything but ‘be’, but he’s a cf for not leaping out of bed on Saturday mornings after a full week of work and a long drive to go do some worthy activity? It’s normal for childlfree adults to lounge around drinking coffee after a lie in on their day off. Where do you want him to go when he’s come to see her and she isn’t well enough to do anything but rest? He is probably under the assumption that he is welcome, as your sick dds dp, to visit her. The obvious solution is for your dd to return home, or if she isn’t well enough, to do some food shopping and housework during the week to take the pressure off at weekends. If she isn’t well enough to do that then she needs to tell him that he isn’t allowed to visit unless he brings his own food and doesn’t bring his own shoes.

JamAtkins · 20/01/2019 00:31

Why didn’t your dd pay for the meal? You are her parents and she is the higher earner? She didn’t pay either but only he is ‘tight’?

pollyglot · 20/01/2019 00:31

Seriously, does the NHS simply ignore young people with MH issues, who are suicidal and require constant 24-hour supervision, and leave them to die? There is NO support in crises? Why was there all that poncing about and self-congratulatory drivel at the London Olympics about the NHS then? If the NHS won't help an ill young woman, heaven help you all

elvis86 · 20/01/2019 00:32

OP - it sounds like you're rattled because you didn't get the answers you wanted.

You sound like a dedicated parent, but your scapegoating of your daughter's boyfriend is just mean. Please rethink.

Original poster
WhiningweeWitch · 20/01/2019 00:33

Pot kettle Elvis86 Hmm

OP posts:
pollyglot · 20/01/2019 00:35

Oh, and I paid many, many thousands of pounds in NI in the 12 years I worked in the UK and earned very good money - got nothing in return, of course. No pension, a few visits to GP...that's it. Where's it all going?

Jenwiththecurls · 20/01/2019 00:35

He is being supportive, I get that but we just need space

What does your daughter need? If having her BF around is helping her, then I'd be going out of my way to make him feel welcome and happy so that he can - and wants to - continue doing that. After all, being on his own miles away from his friends/family all week, then sitting in his in-laws house to support his unwell girlfriend all weekend, he's hardly living the dream, is he?

In your shoes, my fear would be that the negative vibes in the house would drive him away and that would negatively affect your daughter.

donttakethebiscuit · 20/01/2019 00:36

I really don’t think he’s done anything wrong. He’s been doing the same thing for months and nobody has told him not to, so how is he meant to know it’s a problem. You and your family get your space in the week, surely a weekend isn’t too much to accommodate him. He’s clearly dedicated to this relationship and cares about your daughter very much to travel back and forward every weekend to visit her. And with the money, he may not be earning enough to pay his way if you say your daughter is the higher earner. Surely she could pay for things.

Original poster
WhiningweeWitch · 20/01/2019 00:37

Dd actually pays for most things in their relationship.

Pollyglot - yes, sadly the nhs didn’t help in this case. Suicide rates in the UK amongst young ppl are rising. Many charities plug the gap.

OP posts:
Sashkin · 20/01/2019 00:45

She never demanded or asked him to move either

Are you trying to hint that actually she wants to break up with him?

OP you are being very vague with details here. The fact that she is suicidal only came up on p6, and now she never wanted him to move with her to the new place, and that’s why she moved back to yours (to get away from him?).

Sit your daughter down, get her to break the lease on their house, and resign from her job. Then she can start afresh back home, minus the boyfriend, if that is actually what she wants.