Dd’s Bf being a Cf?

[WhiningweeWitch]

In short, Dd left home a year ago to live and work in another city a couple of hours drive away. Her longterm bf went with her, he got a job there, they secured a lovely home in a great area. All fine and dandy.

Now, though, she’s unwell with MHWB issues (she was very homesick, having issues with the new job) so is on meds and signed off work by GP and has been back staying with us for a few months to get back on her feet. Her bf is still living in their home. But, almost every weekend he comes to stay with us.

This is the problem as I’m really beginning to feel that our personal space is being invaded and it’s building my resentment.

Dd’s bf typically arrives on a Friday evening, then they rarely go over the door all weekend, they sleep in until the afternoon (I understand her sleep patterns are a mess because of her MHWB and meds), they both hang out around the house having late brunch, drinking tea and coffee, eating our food all Saturday and Sunday until he goes home late on Sunday evening.

DH and I are rarely getting any time to ourselves at the weekend (we both work ft in stressful jobs) as we end up catering for Dd and bf - getting food shopping in for the weekend, making all the main meals including Sunday dinners.

The house is a mess, I’m tripping over dd’s bf’s shoes that he dumps in the hallway when he arrives, I can’t get on with my weekend housework as they’re either sleeping or sitting around and in the way.

They invited us out for dinner a few weeks ago, dh and I were delighted but at the end of the meal we ended up paying the bill as Dd and Bf hadnt been to cash machine yet.

Bf never puts his hands in his pocket, never contributes.

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support - which means me biting my tongue and letting this it go? She cannot take any stress or conflict atm and we are walking in eggshells to ensure she is stable.

The experts didn't feel that she was sufficiently sick to require their help? Presumably cases are triaged? Very odd. Why not pay for private care? I know it's expensive, but if your child's life is at stake, surely you would give up everything to find her help? Wouldn't any mother sell her jewellery/mortgage the house to save her daughter?

Unless your daughter's judgement is impaired around what is right and reasonable (I don't wish to be insensitive, but have supported someone with severe depression in the past, and their ability to discern appropriate etiquette was never affected) then I think you have to treat them as a unit, and raise it with both of them or not at all.

E.g. You went out to dinner and neither of them put their hand in their pocket - yet she pays more of the household bills (therefore presumably earns more?) yet gets none of the blame for not picking up the bill?

(and 4 hours drive every weekend is probably the cost of a small supermarket shop...)

It does sounds like there's a long back story of him not paying his way, and yes it would be nice if he made even a token gesture, but now is not the time to raise it IMO. Maybe if he's still doing it when everything is back to normal then you can raise it with both of them.

I really hope your daughter makes a swift recovery, it must be really stressful for all of you at the moment

"Dd actually pays for most things in their relationship."

Really? Even now - after months off work living back with her parents?

Or do you mean that you pay for most things?

You're perfectly willing to accommodate and indulge your daughter, but it's increasingly obvious that you hold her boyfriend in utter contempt.

From what you've said; she's got a job and he's followed her to an unfamiliar city. He's gotten a job and made a home with her. She's ran back to Mum and Dad months ago because she's unwell (/homesick). He's stayed at home working, and is travelling 4 hours each weekend to be with her (albeit confined to her parents' house). You're upset because he left his shoes in the hall.

Whichever way you look at it, YABVU.

It’s difficult because he is her live in partner, and normally if you live with your boyfriend you will see them for the majority of the weekend. Her home is elsewhere at the moment so they are continuing their routine at your house as she’s not living at her own.

I think you should speak to your DD about it and have her talk to him. He is her guest so she should be the one who talks about house rules with him. And maybe she broach the subject about bringing food etc.

But as for sitting around the house etc wouldn’t she be doing that anyway if he wasn’t there?

YABU
I feel sorry for the BF

Does your DD do anything around the house during the week when you and DH are working?
If not, could that be your starting point?
Ask her to do some specific household chore(s) and gradually build on this.
The sooner she is better, the sooner her BF will no longer need to be cluttering up your home with his big shoes.

For those unable to believe that there is no help for children and young people think in of suicide out is true.
We were in this situation with my DD,she got an urgent referral to CAHMS that took 12 weeks to come through.Because she hadn't managed to kill herself before then she was deemed not urgent enough to need their support.
As a parent you are expected to deal with this without support .We are lucky to have a supportive GP.
If an adult is suicidal then there are community psychiatric nurses who can be mobilised quite quickly in a crisis.
With the IP however we are wasting our time speculating.Her dd has MH problems ,suicidal thoughts either now or in the past.
She and her daughter need to be clear about what they want from the boyfriend.
Op obviously doesn't want him around and if dd didn't would have told him to sling his hook by now.So dd does want him,Op doesnt want to upset her dd any more so us massively resentful towards the bf as she can't tell him to go.
I understand that OP loves her dd and has a longer understanding of her issues than her bf but presumably he loves her too and is doing his best with no support either.

The OP is not lying about lack of access to MH help. I went to a&e after having taken a few too many antidepressants and expressing a desire to kill myself and was sent home with a leaflet (you can’t die from minor anti d overdoses).

However, speaking as someone who has been suicidal and finds general life (Work, doing chores/laundry, feeding myself etc) exceptionally difficult, you’re not helping. I have taken time off work for MH but only ever a couple of weeks at a time, and I do go and stay with my parents during those periods but they always encourage me to go back to where I live and work to regain some routine and independence. Moving back home and mouldering in bed while I get waited on hand and foot by my parents would be catastrophic for my future prospects and probably will be for hers too if she isn’t encouraged to take small steps to get back to normality. Can she go back home with the BF and you visit her regularly? Or them going home together every weekend sounds like a good plan.

I thin YABVU about him, I feel sorry for him! It sounds like he’s being very understanding and supportive. And ‘she never forced him to move’ - what’s that got to do with it? Presumably he moved because he loves her and wants to be with her and decided to do so of his own volition, not because she held a gun to his head! Give the poor guy a break, and stop enabling your daughter’s self destruction (speaking as someone who was going to throw themselves in front of a train this time last year, whose mum is supportive while also encouraging me to be responsible for myself)

Hotter thanks for your post. I’m sorry you’ve gone through similar issues with services for your own Dd.

We are all just trying to find a way through this and it’s difficult and uncharted territory for all of us. As I say I wouldn’t wish mh illness on anyone as there’s such a lack of understanding as it’s not always simply a case of getting on with it.

As I say I wouldn’t wish mh illness on anyone as there’s such a lack of understanding as it’s not always simply a case of getting on with it.

Thankfully BF understands this and is there for your DD which must be wonderful for her

Your daughter sounds dreadfully ill OP from your latest update...I am really sorry..Mind the charity have an emergency crisis team might be worth having a chat to them...I also think she is not in a position to be in a relationship right now if she is so unstable as you suggest.Maybe its time you asked her what it is exactly she wants? This cannot be right for either of them,,infact its not really a relationship at all anymore is it? He is clinging on to try to get her back and she seems settled at home with you for different reasons...maybe thats a good thing ?.its never going to work.it can;t possibly.....sooner or later resentment will set in its bound to,,,so you really dont have to do much cos the way you describe it all its odds on to fail.Him and his finances should be the very last cause of concern right now ,the same as where he puts his shoes...it all pales into insignificance when your daughter appears to be so unwell.

if your DD has complex MH issues then please find out if you can get help yourselves to establish what is best for her e.g., to stay at your house, whether or not she should be encouraged to do stuff around the house etc (I suspect not). But if she is in a loving relationship with this guy that she wants to return to ASAP then I'd say you just have to suck it up at the weekend.

I assume your DD is not yet at the point where she can start planning a return to her own house/job so I think you are being UR with regard to this guy coming over if he is her partner and they are committed to stay together. But as for where she should live/treatment etc. most people on AIBU have no clue what they are on about with regards to mental health, particularly on a Saturday night, they think a cold shower and an early night would sort that shit out

You are a very kind mother and I totally understand why you want to support your daughter, I would be the same. However your health and well being is important too I don't think it would be unreasonable to suggest that sometimes she and boyfriend go to their own house at weekends because always having someone in your home every weekend is intrusive. You and your husband are entitled to have your home to yourselves sometimes.

I'm sure if you said that they would understand. They could perhaps do alternate weekends & that actually might help your daughter get back to normal.

I'm really surprised that the boyfriend wants to be at yours all the time, I'd find it very awkward staying in someone else's house on a regular basis. He could at least treat you to a meal sometimes.

However I appreciate it is a difficult situation. I do hope your daughter makes a good recovery.

OP - AIBU

MN - YES!

OP - You just dont understand

Why bother asking if you didnt think you were?

Snout I’m sorry that you’ve had your own mh issues and that you’re in a better place.

Me and dh are not simply waiting on Dd hand and foot. It’s a long process of recovery and we do actively encourage her to get back into living again and to get out, keeping active and getting out of the house. I’m sure that will keep happening more as she gets better but I just want bf to help with that side of it too. To not just lie in and sit about with her encouraging her to stay indoors all day during the weekend.

PS: Op, just wanted you to know that I do really feel for you. I've struggled with clinical depression and anxiety for a lot of my life and have an adult child who is bipolar - absolutely fine, manages it without medication and lives independently but it's still there and gives cause for concern at times. There is nothing I would not do to help if I could, just to take pressure off.

You're doing a great job but you must consider your own health. Go out or go away for the weekend and leave them to it. Suggest they go home some weekends and next time they take you out for a meal, make sure one of them pays.

JustAnotherPoster believe me, I’m sorry I even came on here to ask!

Jessstan2 thank you. That means a lot. Bless you

JustAnotherPoster believe me, I’m sorry I even came on here to ask!

That's obvious

I don't understand why anyone (not just you, OP) asks a question on MN and then gets arsey when some / many of the answers aren't to their liking

Weird.

I suffer from chronic mh issues, and at your daughter's age had several episodes which led to me being hospitalised after trying to take my own life, so I really do understand the circumstances. Like your dd I was living with my boyfriend several hours from my family home and had been written off from work for several months. I did spend sometime staying at my parents' home, but only for up to a week at a time, maximum. Apart from that I was supported to remain within my own (rented) home and to build a support network in my own area, and to slowly integrate back into normal life. I am concerned that after several months your dd isn't doing this.
It is getting increasingly hard for her to return to her own life the longer she stays away, her counselling and medical care should be taking place near to her own home so that she can build a network of professional and social support around her. You say you work a stressful job, so I can't see the benefit of her being at your house with you working, or at her house with her boyfriend working.

I hate to say this OP, but my feeling from your posts is that you are letting your daughter believe that you are the only person who can take care of her, treating her as a child, and being quite controlling , and I wonder if this has contributed to her being vulnerable to mh issues. It doesn't sound as though she is getting better, which is a concern after several months, or are you letting her believe she isn't getting better?

You have two choices here, either you more actively support her getting back to her own home and making contact with devices there, or you accept and welcome the boyfriend into your home and treat him with the respect he deserves as clearly a very supportive partner and as someone who loves your daughter and is an integral part of the team caring for her.

There will be private counselling services where she lives, it really does concern me that you have taken away her agency and appear to be controlling the situation. (Suggesting she needs to be at your house to receive private counselling, paying her bills so that she doesn't have to return home and boyfriend doesn't feel any need to move back, negative attitude towards boyfriend).

You need to accept that the boyfriend is your daughter's partner and as such of course needs to be with her to help her to recover. Mental health issues are absolutely awful, please support your daughter in getting better, stronger, more confident and capable. Your posts actually make me really sad for her.

It’s not being arsey. It’s just that it’s a very complex issue that there’s a lot to and no simple easy answer

Something you said earlier, op, certainly struck a chord with me: the mental health services here are quite dismal. All they do is dish out pills and if you don't want that, you're discharged.

Very frustrating for the doctors, they would love to treat patients properly and holistically but their hands are tied except in private practice.

I think you've been very patient with some unkind posters here, they just don't understand. You're doing your best but sort of working in the dark, you need a hand hold.

Firstly I hope your daughter gets well, depression is a shit of a disease ( if that's what she has - you haven't mentioned her diagnosis)
I think you have been very kind to your daughter but it might be time to stop coddling her quite so much.

If she is homesick she will never get over it hiding away in Mum and Dads house. If it is that much of a problem she should move back to your area and get a different job and a new house.

If she is that depressed , she needs a higher level of care than the odd therapy visit. It's been going on for months, so whatever treatments and therapy she is undertaking are clearly not being effective. While sleeping a lot is a symptom of depression, it is also a contributing factor - so by facilitating this - you are not helping her progress .
She needs to get out bed and get outside and exercise regularly. It sounds like she needs residential care where she learns resources to help herself .

If she wants to remain in her relationship ( and maybe she doesn't as in reality she is no longer living with him, and he doesn't seem to contribute much to their household) she should start going home on the weekends as practice for returning to her life. Even if it's just every alternate week . How much longer will she have a job? How long will they allow her to be signed off?

Otherwise...

She's moved home anyway. She doesn't live in the house with her BF anymore so why on earth is she paying the upkeep of a flat that it may be months before she returns to it? And why are you? She should end the lease, and the BF find a place of his own for now - especially as her stay at yours seems to be open ended. The money being wasted on a home she isn't living in could be better spent on therapy to get well.

If you keep the system going that is currently existent you should-

• definitely make them buy and cook their own food - shelf in the fridge - shelf in the pantry.
• give them chores to do. Especially your daughter. Hiding away in her room being waited on for months on end will not help her long term.
• Don't allow her or him to sleep all the time. Get her out and walking , and generally engaging with the world.
• insist they give the two of you some time together - they need to go out for a large chunk of one of the days.

My niece suffers from severe depression, with two suicide attempts and her mum is firm with not allowing her to hide away, but goes and stays with her to help her over the bad times.She has spent time in a residential facility twice - where she reached the stage you describe your daughter did. This has worked well for my niece, she knows her family is there to support her but they won't wrap her up in cotton wool for extended periods of time. As my SIL says, her parents won't be around forever to pick up the pieces -her daughter needs to be able to help herself as well.

I think you are doing the best you can, but as it has been months with little improvement - it might be time for a different approach, and you need to discuss this with both your daughter and the boyfriend .

I hope you can find more successful treatment for her.

Choccy, thanks for this and I understand you’ve been through your own difficulties as well.

I’m actually not controlling anything at all. Dd basically couldn’t function and rather than letting her lose everything she herself has worked hard for, we have tried to support her at her own request. I’m no expert and only doing what I think is best. Her illness is a longterm and individual thing, so it could take more than a few months for her to get back on her feet she is on her own timescale and that’s fine.

My point is that her bf could also be helping her in the same ways instead of sitting indoors every weekend.

Jessstan thank you. You are so right! Thank you 🙏🏻

CommanderDaisy thank you. I’m sorry about your niece. It is depression. Unfortunately it is difficult to get a higher level of care. We have tried. She’s has received psychiatric assessment but the service is very patchy. CAMHS takes 16 weeks at least. We had to find something quick. Jessstan is right about parents being left in the dark. It is a frightening situation and MHServices are not consistent across the country. I suppose that’s why I’m so rubbish at all of this on here as we are all stressed by it and trying to be strong.