Dd’s Bf being a Cf?

[WhiningweeWitch]

In short, Dd left home a year ago to live and work in another city a couple of hours drive away. Her longterm bf went with her, he got a job there, they secured a lovely home in a great area. All fine and dandy.

Now, though, she’s unwell with MHWB issues (she was very homesick, having issues with the new job) so is on meds and signed off work by GP and has been back staying with us for a few months to get back on her feet. Her bf is still living in their home. But, almost every weekend he comes to stay with us.

This is the problem as I’m really beginning to feel that our personal space is being invaded and it’s building my resentment.

Dd’s bf typically arrives on a Friday evening, then they rarely go over the door all weekend, they sleep in until the afternoon (I understand her sleep patterns are a mess because of her MHWB and meds), they both hang out around the house having late brunch, drinking tea and coffee, eating our food all Saturday and Sunday until he goes home late on Sunday evening.

DH and I are rarely getting any time to ourselves at the weekend (we both work ft in stressful jobs) as we end up catering for Dd and bf - getting food shopping in for the weekend, making all the main meals including Sunday dinners.

The house is a mess, I’m tripping over dd’s bf’s shoes that he dumps in the hallway when he arrives, I can’t get on with my weekend housework as they’re either sleeping or sitting around and in the way.

They invited us out for dinner a few weeks ago, dh and I were delighted but at the end of the meal we ended up paying the bill as Dd and Bf hadnt been to cash machine yet.

Bf never puts his hands in his pocket, never contributes.

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support - which means me biting my tongue and letting this it go? She cannot take any stress or conflict atm and we are walking in eggshells to ensure she is stable.

WhiningweeWitch - it does change the situation somewhat that your DD was suicidal and is still severely depressed. But you are right about one thing - her BF coming round and encouraging her to stay in the house all weekend is counterproductive.
My understanding (limited) is that it would benefit her to get into a more active routine, like going for a walk every day. Perhaps you should set up a routine for her during the week, that she can continue over the weekend as well. Tell her BF that she MUST go for her daily walk and he should go with her.

You are also absolutely right about MH services being very patchy to non-existent in some areas - I have friends with children who are suicidal but who haven't actually tried to kill themselves yet, who are being told that CAMHS can't help them until they attempt suicide - how is that useful? It's awful! I'm sorry that you've had to deal with it.

Your situation with having your DD at home is more understandable now - but I do suggest you encourage them in more activity at the weekend.

You are in an awful situation, but it sounds like someone needs to be making decisions and it can't be your DD.

No no no no. The opposite of this.

I do think OP should stop indulging the current situation and make it clear that the DD needs to work towards moving out, and soon, as well as set house rules with both of them. But the decisions themselves 100% need to be made by the DD. Whether she goes back to her flat two hours away or finds another, whether she stays with the BF, what she does about work are decisions that must be taken by her. Because it's important for her recovery, and because she is an adult.

What is MHWB?

OP you've said you're not coming back now because you've not got the replies you want but have you told her to get back to the GP? If she needs 24 hour watch apart from when you and her dad are both at work then she needs admitting. Why is her illness so complicated that only you can help her? I've both been in and worked in MH services. I was admitted for a few weeks as a teen. We were not permitted to wallow in bed. Sounds like you are encouraging her to remain dependent on you which is not healthy at all and I agree with pp about you being controlling. I wonder if smothering her growing up has led her to not cope out in the real world and therefore she's ended up exactly where you want her: back at home and under your control.

Why is it up to the bf to encourage her to go out? Sounds like the parents aren't encouraging her to do anything but wallow in her pit.

OP, if your DD had sustained a life-changing injury, there would of course be a lengthy period off work. But only a very, very short period of it would involve resting in bed. After that, she would have to be in rehab, doing physio. She would have to be working at her recovery, hard, every day. If it took literally every ounce of her strength to pull herself upright one day, that's what she would have to do. And again twice more. And the next day she would have to do it and then put one foot in front of her for a step.

Depression is really quite similar. You have the added issue of feeling like you can't, but you really have to. Taking away the "having to", on anything other than a very short term basis, is not a good thing.

........ and waiting for the delete message as OP has cited privacy concerns.

So now the bf is actively encouraging your dd to stay indoors for the entire weekend? I find that hard to believe. Is he controlling? Surely you could suggest they go out for a walk, go to the cinema etc. Maybe he's taking her lead and she just wants to sit around. Stop blaming the bf for your dds issues unless she has said he is part of the problem - in which case she would need to end the relationship.

How long is she expected to get paid from her job? Surely they don't pay indefinitely given she's only been there a year and has had months off aleady. If there is no sign of dd going back to her home then her bf should probably find alternative accommodation for himself while your dd uses her money to fund a private psychiatrist. There is no sense waiting around for CAMHS or relying on overstretched charities if your dd is suicidal.

Yes, we can see you were frustrated and it looks at though you’re not coming back, which is a shame. I think you really need to look again at the situation with fresh eyes, which is what this thread or another could potentially provide. And as I say I think you are frustrated with yourselves and your dd and projecting things onto him as well and that is regardless of how he is with money. He earns less perhaps he needs to be careful.

I think it is a great shame OP is not returning, maybe if there had been some kinder responses and fewer attempts to belittle, judge and ridicule her she would have stayed around?

Poor woman is clearly battling to do her best in exceptionally challenging circumstances, some kind advice and compassion would have gone a long way.....

But doubleshot, the framing is the problem here. If the OP had started off by saying that her daughter was suicidal and her BF was contributing to this, how could she keep them apart / persuade DD to break up with him (or whatever it is OP wants, it’s still not completely clear to me), then she would have got very different answers.

Instead it was some venting about shoes...

I can see the drip feeding maybe frustrating but I can also fully understand it's not necessarily the kind of detail OP wanted or planned to share -it's a painful time that very few have training for.
And yet once this sad detail arrived, the judgements and ridiculing continued - I'm not sure what the textbook guidelines are for seeking advice on an Internet forum when you're daughter has returned home in these circumstances, but it's also clear the OP has answered honestly and perhaps in a lot more detail than she wanted, under pressure from the thread.
All smacks of booting somebody when they're down and that sits badly with me, especially in this context.

Anyway OP if you're reading this I hope you're doing ok and the BF has been a bit more proactive today

I don’t think OP was belittled, judged and ridiculed. I think that many posters tried to give good advice but unfortunately, it wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

The ridiculing was when people still thought they were dealing with a vaguely homesick 27yr old. Lots of people are only going to read the OP, even for long threads (“cancel the cheque” etc). And OP’s actions would have been OTT, if that had actually been the situation.

I think the OP has received some good advice, or the best that a bunch of strangers could give based on the information we had. And honestly, it is a bit strange to describe an adult struggling with a severe depressive illness as "homesick".

Francis
In fairness I doubt if op connected your comment to anything upthread. In the context of just your one post and her response I don’t see how she has belittled you but I do understand how you could feel this way.

The OP moved the goal posts so far that the original site can hardly be seen.

“Aibu to be annoyed that dds bf is here every weekend so we get no time to ourselves and he is messy and doesn’t contribute.”

“Aibu that dd is suicidal and is still financialy supporting her bf who is making her worse by stopping her going out at weekends. He moved in with her unasked and she has ended up back at home but still paying his rent.”

Hardly the same. I suspect the original is closer to the actual problem but she didn’t get the answers she wanted. The OP infantilises her dd and her having an adult relationship with a grown man must be a challenge for the OP, so she blames him.

YABU. Have you shown him where shoes go in your house? Or just seethed when he has failed to work it out himself? Have you even said to your daughter “please move his shoes from the hall” so she knows you don’t like it? Why is it so much harder to cook for four than three? Young men are not picky eaters in my considerable personal experience. You sound like you are resenting having to parent again and need to talk to someone outside the family about how to feel accepting about this hopefully temporary situation. I know you are happy to help your daughter, and this is just part of your helping. How about giving them a suitable cash budget on Saturday afternoon and telling them to plan a dinner for four, go to the shops and buy the ingredients and then cook it together for the four of you. This would give them something pleasant to do together and also take a job off your list. I think you might feel less annoyed with them if they cooked for you, and they might feel more useful and grown up. As others have said, money may be tight and that may be keeping them in the house. I really do understand how you feel - I have Between two and four extra grown stepchildren living in my house for the past six years. I have had major strops over shoes left all over the hallway, dishes not done, food eaten in bedrooms, towels used once, etc. I don’t love cooking, so cooking for seven every night is a huge drag. And my husband and I have lost our Netflix and chill evenings. But my three little ones have gotten to spend loads of time with their grown brothers, and we have all enjoyed spending time together too. I try hard to see the positive and remember it won’t be forever. And I ask them to do specific things before they become an issue. Like if I’m buzzing around tidying I say ‘hey, DS, can you put this jacket away please?’ Like it’s not a big deal, but they get the message eventually that the coat doesn’t belong in the kitchen. Try not to let stuff build up and to be cheerful about what you ask them to do so it doesn’t become a thing. Good luck to your daughter with her MH issues. I’m sure she wants to be better and resume her life and I hope she is getting good professional support. She is lucky to have you!

Treat bf as you would a ds. Tell him house rules about picking up and also tell them that they need to cook some meals.

You may still buy food, but getting up and moving a bit won't hurt.

It helps people to think of others.

My dd had head injury and couldn't get up. I eventually purchased a puppy and that was the first step in recovering bc she was forced to focus on him instead if herself.

He sounds lovely. If this happened to my DD as she was so poorly that she had move home then I think i''d be thrilled that he travelled every weekend to support her.
Just have a chat about the shoes and cleaning and be grateful that he;s there for her.

This sounds like a really tough situation for you all. You are being lovely to your daughter and BF is being pretty impressive too.

It sounds as if it might be good to talk to the BF about steps that could be taken to encourage your DD to do more and help her recovery.

Do acknowledge that he has been a great support to her - and at some considerable cost to himself. ( His way of life does not sound easy at the moment. He hasn't stayed away to party without her - he has been a real partner.)

Tell him that getting her out on a Sat - regularly - would be really good for her and that he is better at helping her on this than you are.

Suggest that - as part of her recovery - you each have allotted times in the kitchen at weekends. (Let them plan, prep and eat their own meals. Stay away but insist that the kitchen must be cleared up after use.)

Suggest that cleaning - of the house - and washing needs to be part of a healthy routine. Decide when the two of them will be doing some of this... or accept that BF is doing enough at his own place and that this is something DD can start doing during the week.

Don't do it all at once - do it gradually - as she is able to do more.

Aim to get her back to her place for some weekends. Build this up.

Your plan is to help her to independence. The BF could be a real help if you can work together.

As for difficulties living together - talk about little irritations in a friendly way ('did you know that I prefer shoes to go in...' ) Avoid soap-opera drama but hope for easing of some irritations.