To have concerns about going back to work (long post)

[BackToWorkAgain]

Warning extremely long post

I had a couple of career jobs in my 20's. Stayed at home in my 30's raising our family. Now in my 40's it is time to work again.

I have some concerns about returning to work and a couple of questions regarding child care.

Child care questions first.

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to leave a 10yo, 8yo and 6yo to lock up the house and walk 10 minutes to primary school together in the morning and return home together after school to wait home together but without adult supervision until a parent returns. They already do this walk with me daily. 8yo and 10yo sometimes walk back from school on their own.

I think we would have to pay for school wrap around care for all three children. As 6yo and 8yo are too young to be on their own and the 10yo is very anxious child and gets very frightened if they are ever left alone, even to sleep or visit the bathroom.

1. Do we need to pay for wrap around school care for the three younger children ?

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to get the 12yo to watch the 10yo, 8yo and 6yo all day in the school holidays whilst we both work. 12yo would also have to serve a simple cold lunch and get snacks and drinks out.

I think we would have to pay for holiday care for the youngest two at the very minimum. As 10yo would probably be OK with 12yo during the day.

2. Do we need to pay for holiday care for the youngest two/three ?

Now the work concerns

I have not formally worked for a decade, but have volunteered for a few things during this time. However I still have a working brain and I am more than capable of finding work and actually doing a job day to day.

In fact the thought of working with adults is appealing to me, to do work that matters rather than the endless grind of housework. All things being equal, I look forward to returning to work. However I was planning to wait until the youngest was in high school and my DH wants me to go back now...hence looking into practicalities now.

My main concern is that I won't be able to turn a profit. My last job was well paid, however as I need a local job and a short commute (because of health issues) there isn't much choice locally. I will likely end up in a minimum wage no promotion type job.

I need to balance this new income against one off costs (work clothes and a pair of shoes), work related costs (petrol/parking), child care costs AND taking into account the loss of child tax credits (removed at a sliding scale depending on my new income) and loss of PIP (which I suspect will be removed the moment I return to work, even though in theory PIP is not related to work, in reality it usually is)

I need this combination to come out with a positive number. Of course if I found a term time or school hours job that would be a lot easier to do, but nothing around here at the minute. So looking at full time hours jobs.

I know there will be comments about how childcare costs need to be taken out of DH's wage too. But in reality his wage already covers all monthly expenses with a tiny amount left over. Simply speaking, if my wage can't cover all my new costs plus turn a profit, it is not feasible.

My DH has ruled out evening or weekend work, as he doesn't want to be stuck in with the children whilst I work. Which is a shame, as this would be the easiest way to turn a profit. I will talk to him again, as I think this is the best solution.

Night work would be very hard for me, as I need to use my cpap machine a minimum of six hours a night in order to be compliant and keep my driving license.

So I am looking at week day work.

I am worried that my ill health will make holding a job down difficult.

My bowel disease means that I need access to a toilet at all times and that access has to be spontaneous, as I might only have a minute to get there. I can not finish a phone call or finish serving a customer, I need a job that I can excuse myself and visit the ladies as and when I need to.

It also means I have periods of a few days a month when I can't leave the bathroom in the morning and would near the flexibility to start work late on these days.

I also have a yearly review and every three years I have a colonoscopy. So would need time off for that stuff too.

I am on a medical diet to reduce IBS symptoms (in addition to my other bowel issue), which means I always have to eat my own food and need somewhere to store, reheat, eat food. This should be an easy one to sort out, as I carry my own food with me as standard.

My Under Active Thyroid requires regular blood tests and medicine updates to get my levels right. This is partially why I am so exhausted all the time. Probably only need two gp appointments every three months. One for bloods, one for results.

My hearing issues are mild, I wear aid in my hearing impaired ear but not in my deaf one, I can lipread. I find noisy environments very difficult to deal with and clearly struggle to hear at some times. But honestly this has never affected my work much.

Beyond people failing to get my attention sometimes and I prefer to confirm everything in a email to check I haven't misheard anything (which is sensible for everyone to do).

Sleep Apnoea adds to my tiredness and I use a cpap machine overnight in order to keep my driving license.

I am temporarily having balance issues, I am falling over more and dropping things a fair bit. But I am confident this will go away, maybe I need some exercises to do. I have a Neurology Appointment next month, hopefully it will rule out the nasties and I will get a sheet of exercises to strengthen my legs and grip.

My bowel disease and my hearing impairment are classed as disabilities but I don't consider myself to be disabled.

My DH thinks I am disabled and I should tell potential employers upfront and I am more likely to get a guarantee interview this way too. But I am concerned my issues would put them off employing me. However it would give me a chance to explain in person, how I am a good worker, despite a few health issues. So I am very undecided on this point.

I am unsure when/if I would tell an employee about my health issues. Before interview, after I start work, if it starts affecting my job ?

3. Do work need to know about my health issues ? If so when do you mention it ?

4. Will work allow me time off for regular medical appointments?

I am concerned that DH has made it clear that he can not help with the children's clubs, illness, homework. As he works long hours a good distance away.

In particularly I need to cover 12yo brace appointments every three months and 6yo speech therapy appointments one hour weekly.

5. Will work allow me time off for regular children medical appointments? Or how else do I get children to these appointments?

Currently there are also a beavers, cubs, dance, scouts and gymnastic evening clubs outside school. Plus a couple of after school clubs too.
I usually parent and ferry children around between 3.30pm and 8pm (latest one 9.30pm) every evening.

6. But if I work full time and need to fit homework, tea, bath in for the kids, I assume they will have to quit all these clubs. Or do I get a taxi to run them there, whilst I parent the other children ? How do other people do this ?

My DH has already said that he can not take time off to cover children illness, it is up to me to cover it all. Luckily only the 6yo is ill often and I am confident that this will improve in time. I am guessing I will need maximum 6 days a year to cover D&V bugs, hopefully a lot less.

7. Will work allow me time off when kids are ill ? What are the alternatives ?

I am concerned that I simply will not be able to cope doing everything that I do now and work 40 hours on top of it
However I know plenty of women do it and therefore there is no reason I shouldn't try.

But I am so exhausted already and I don't know how I am going find the extra energy I need. Already at home, I can not sit down from 3pm onwards as I will fall asleep, even if talking to someone or doing paperwork. The doctor said that is normal for parents, so I just have to KOKO.

Despite all these worries, if I can address all the above concerns and bring in some much needed money into the house, I would be delighted.

On the plus note, I want to earn my own money, help support our family, maybe save up for a family holiday. I want to stop living on such a tight budget, where so many things are simply beyond our means. It would be great to know that when something breaks we would have the money there to to fix it.

But what if I make everything so much worse for me and the kids. What if I work full time and bring in a small amount of money or nothing. I am worried that the kids will spend all their time alone or at school, have to cancel their clubs and not see their friends, so I can work for no profit.

I am definitely going back to work but I planned to get all the kids into high school first, to reduce child care costs. I just think with three in primary school this is going to be hard.

Any positive advice welcome.

I am feeling better now my concerns are written down. Hopefully I will get some good pointers from here and I can work down my list, eliminating my concerns.

Ps. Congratulations for reading this far !

MaryLennoxsScowl
I have crossed teacher off the list.
The full time 40 hours is because he wants me to work when he does, work a proper job and earn a reasonable wage.

It is definitely about the money and needing more income. Just not a set amount.

It's not surprising that you haven't leaped at the chance to do all the housework and all the childcare AND work full time!

Does your DH get that?

IF you go back to full time work, he really would have to find a way to take on a share of the housework/childcare (e.g. by looking for work closer to home). Otherwise he's being completely unreasonable.

It seems to me that home working is the way to go.

Home educated kids need tuition, how about offering 'fun with maths' tuituon/activity. This would be in the child's home. If there were a few children you could charge a little more.

It would be during school hours.

Wow. What about his promise to get a local job? Is it only you who has to keep promises? Those promises were before your health issues. If you had promised each other to take the kids to do park run with you on alternate weekends would you also feel like you had to keep that one?

Your dh doesn’t want to work closer or move closer to his work as he doesn’t want to have to do any more of the childcare. My deal breaker for even thinking about finding a job would be this. If you get a job, he must do more at home.

You will need care for your dc while you aren’t there. It is unbelievable of your dh to suggest your dc do more parenting than he does. They aren’t old enough.

You have a valuable skill set and just need confidence and a bit of time back in the workplace. I’d look at remote data science etc as others suggest so you can work flexibly from home. (His I’m on call is ridiculous if as you say he’s been called out twice in 3 years). If it seems easier try for a virtual pa to get your hand back in and might give you a little money to use to refresh your data science experience, go to a seminar etc.

Why do you have to ‘work when he does’?

In a previous post you suggest that if you weren’t about at the weekend he would have to do less hobbies and playing on his computer.

Who currently looks after the children whilst he is doing this? Oh let me guess you do!

So he works 5 days a week in an office based job 9-5-ish albeit with a long-ish commute. Whilst you work 7 days a week from dawn until dusk, albeit with no commute.

Apart from being a bit strapped for cash he seems to have a pretty sweet deal at the moment and I can see why he doesn’t want to change that —because he is a selfish man child—. But the solution to the problem shouldn’t come at the expense of the well-being and lifestyle of the rest of the family because he likes to do hobbies and play Xbox or whatever.

Open your eyes OP!

It is fine working 7 days a week at home.
I am more busy 6am to 9.30am and 3pm to 8pm during the week. During the day it is more my evening. So I do a couple of loads of laundry a day and a couple hours of cleaning/beds/paperwork/errands out of the house or food shopping.
I usually get 30 minutes for my lunch to sit down and watch tv and once a week I go to my friends house for a brew and a catch up before the school run. My days are busy but not stressful or hard.

Because I spend the week doing the house, we can chill out at the weekend, I pnly do the basic cleaning and laundry.

A full time job would squash all the daytime stuff into evenings and weekend and that would be hard for me to fit in but doable. I would miss having time to myself.

I would miss having time to myself.

If you start working weekends, how would that be fair on DH then? working commuting during the week and looking after 3 DC at the weekend.

Also slightly puzzled why 5 people need about 10 loads of loundry a week.

What is this work around 'beds' and 'paperwork' that requires daily attention. Beds are made in no time and household admin on a daily basis is not normal.

Granted,byiu husband is hugely unfair but you don't seem to have a very effecient time management either.

A full time job would squash all the daytime stuff into evenings and weekend

...when your DH would be home to do half of it. Has he realised that?

Doesn’t sound like return to work ft would be sensible at all
Your dh doesn’t sound nice
Could you do some sort of cottage industry’s type thing form home to earn a few quid

Had another quick chat. He is sure that we can not afford to move and does not think it would help anyway. He said even if he got a similar job in the local town, he would be looking at an hour commute on the train and no time would be saved.

I said that I would need more help at home when I am working and he would have to help drop off or pick up the kids from wrap around care. He said no 9am to 5pm job would allow him to do that.....yet he expects me to find one that will allow me to do it. (That didn't occur to me until he left, he is out for the rest of the day. I better get on with the rest of my Sunday jobs)

I gave him example of my brother and his wife who both have good career jobs. They take turns going to work earlier and later, so they share the care. But he still insists his boss would not let him.

I said that there is so much around the house around the children that needs doing, child care, homework, baths and I needed help with it. I said it is fun me doing it all at the moment, as the children and house ARE my job but things have to change once I am working.

He is not happy and I am feeling very sad too. Did he honestly think putting aside my ill health, that I could continue to do everything here AND a job :(

What am I going to do ?

I will keep an eye out for a good school hours job opportunity because I do need to get back to work at some point and if the right job came up, I would grab it with both hands.

But I refuse to take on paid work if I am going to get zero help at home...I can't do it all...It will break me. I am so exhausted at the moment...maybe when my thyroid levels are better balanced I will have more energy. My levels keep climbing and they keep putting my meds up and then I wait another three months to see if they are working. I know they are not right as I am so tired all the time. Early night for me tonight.

Do you still stand by your claims that your husband is a good egg op??

sounds like you would be better off without him. if you go back to work as a lone parent, you will also get much more help in childcare and tax credits/UC than on a joint income which would make work pay.

I don't understand why your husband is dictating it all into you. Do you not have s voice? Apparently not and if you don't, I would seek financial independence from him sooner rather than looking for excused why you cannot work. You can - but you need to change a few things around you (that may also include your relationship status).

You will absolutely need childcare until then youngest is in high school. You agreed to go back to full time work before you became disabled and before the realities of 4 young children, he can’t hold you to that, things change.

You need to sit down with all of your incomings and outgoings. Cutting DH’s commute would save you money on fuel and time. He needs to commit to looking for jobs closer to home. He also needs to commit to taking on half the cleaning/house admin/kids appointments/holiday cover etc if you get a full time job. Is he prepared for that? Realistically you need a lot of flexibility so I would declare your disability when applying for jobs and be open about your needs. You shouldn’t lose your PIP unless your job requires you to do something that you have said you can’t do.

I would look at your outgoings and see if there is anything you can cut back on, look at insurance, utilities, supermarket shop, cheaper more fuel efficient car, reducing kids activities etc.

Your husband sounds like he wants you to do everything you’re currently doing AND work a full time job. You can’t do it, you will make yourself even more ill.

I also have s computer science degree from 25 years ago. I worked career jobs for 10 years and continued after 2 kids, 1 of whom has special needs. I have a complete melt down with stress. We moved countries and I haven’t worked a professional job since. I do have a part time office job that is within school hours but in school holidays all my pay goes to childcare.

I would try getting some part time hours or freelance work for the next few years and then hopefully full time work in a couple of years once the majority of the kids are at secondary school.

OP. I did it with an absent dh but one who brought home enough bacon for me not to have to. Full time and all house stuff was tough with subcontracted cleaning, ironing and afterschool care via the au-pair.

It worked because our input was equal and we had similar leisure time at the end of our paid and unpaid work. It would have been inconceivable with 4 dc and if I had been unwell. TBF I do have thyroid issues and 100mcg always did the trick for 25 years and recently a tweak to 112.5. Ask for a full blood screening - the exhaustion might not be yr thyroid: vit d, B12, anaemia??

It's rarely I think this on Mnet but would you be better off without him.

OP I'm going to try to keep it short, and I'm writing this as a fellow mum with similar level disabilities to you (albeit different in nature)

1. You cannot do this. Categorically. You cannot do all the housework, childcare for a large family, and work full time. You say you see women who do this. You don't. They share housework/childcare with their partners. And probably have less children too.
2. If he can't do any housework/childcare after working fulltime, neither can you (even more so with disabilities). He is being ridiculous.
3. Don't try to take a physical job, it would be a daft thing to do when you have balance issues, tiredness and have good earning potential using your brain.
4. You need childcare. I'm a teacher. I would be obliged to report you to social services if I taught any of your children with the pack of childcare your DH is proposing.
5. If you try to do this, chances are you will become more I'll from burn out. I work fulltime but find it exhausting and as a result my DH does everything around the house so I can crash when I get home.
6. If you qualify for PIP care element, is he meant to be your carer? Who is doing this at the moment?

Statisticians have really good earning potential from home. It's quite hard to find a job that is actually workable as someone who needs adjustments. I know they legally have to do it, but they often don't or do the bare minimum. Definitely tell them at interview. Good luck, and a handhold. It sounds pretty tough and I don't think your DH is being supportive. He's utterly unrealistic so us either an arse or in cloud cuckoo land. You can choose which!

I am only on 75mcg atm. I have only been tested twice. Most people seem to be on 100mcg to 150mcg, so I am hoping that I will feel better in the next one or two medicine increases.

DH is just fed up and stressed from being the solo breadwinner. I have asked him to help me work through the figures and see what work I can find. I told him child care was essential for all the kids and gave him the figures for wrap around care and holiday care. He replied that with childcare costs I can't work and looked so sad. I said a term time job would work but I will need more help around the house if I do both drop off and collection and the job would have to be very local.

We are both fed up. I will look at free lance work and if I could get a loan to retrain. May be book keeping/accountancy might work.

He cancelled his aft

He cancelled his afternoon out. I feel bad about that. We will sort it out.

The problem here is DH

Lol he cancelled his afternoon out? So what? He shouldn’t be leaving you every weekend as well as every weekday to look after the kids, he is in no way a good husband regardless of what you say.

Basically he’s got it in his head that a full time job will get him out of trouble and mean he has more spare money (probably to spend on his hobbies), and knows you’re passive so will just give in to his demand. It is not feasible possible to keep up this level of housework childcare and a full time job. Why don’t you tell him you’ll go out and earn his wage, and leave him to do what you do each day and see how long till he’s begging to be the one back at work as he can’t cope?!

"DH is just fed up and stressed from being the solo breadwinner."

then he won't object to you working evenings and weekends.

You need wrap around care, yes. The 6 and 8 year olds are far too young to be left alone for a couple of hours and the 10 year old definitely shouldn’t be expected to feed and care for their younger siblings. I’d argue that’s neglectful tbh. I also don’t think it’s safe for the 6 yo to be walking to and from school without adult supervision and this wouldn’t be allowed in my DC’s school.

Most employers don’t readily allow days off when your DC are sick or have appointments, no. You either have to take a holiday, lose pay for the day or find someone else to care for them.

I teach which people wrongly believe is school hours but it just isn’t. The only thing it’s great for is having the same school holidays... I finish work at 5pm earliest and start at 7:30 am so have to leave at 7. It is hugely frowned upon to call in sick and I can’t take holidays in term time whatsoever, even if it’s to cover one of my DC’s being sick. When they have been sick I have had to find someone else to take care of them at short notice.

I'm glad he's seeing sense OP and cancelled his afternoon out ( incidentally is it a costly hobby?) shows that he sees that this is important.

I can understand that he must feel under pressure being the sole earner and having a long commute, but surely he must see that he can look at changing his lot as well as expecting you to.

Hope you get things sorted. I think it would be good for you to work in some capacity but it needs to be in a way that doesn't further jeopardise your health or your PIP.

Oh and agreed with pp’s, your DH sounds like a selfish prick. I think your only options are to pay for a childminder, work around his hours or simply don’t return to work.

Op, I know you’ve heard a lot of negatives about dh, and I won’t add to that again, but I am very concerned that you seem to spend a lot of your time feeling bad about things outside of your control. Dh insists you get a ft job but refuses to assist in any way, you feel bad. Dh feels that a 12 year old can become a ft carer for 3 dc in the holidays and is told this is unacceptable, you feel bad. Dh cancels his outing, I hope because he realises how unreasonable he is being and wants to find a solution, you feel bad.

Surely you can see how wrong this is?

You have written your posts in the way that makes me think you really have no intention to return to work, and will continue to list reasons why it won't work. Some of the things you say also contradict each other!
First, if your DH worked two hundred miles away and was away from home for 12 hours a day, he must only be in work for 4 hours as the rest of the time he would be travelling!
You have said you need to be able to have a job where you can drop everything immediately to get to the toilet, yet you're able to do the school run, and take your children to many different activities throughout the week.
You don't know how much equity you have in your house yet the house is in your name?
You moved where you now live to be nearer your family, yet you have made no comment on them helping to look after your children should the need arise.
Here's what I think - you've not worked for many years, you love being a SAHM, your DH wants you to get a job, you don't want to. You will come up with as many excuses as to why you should not work as he will come up with as to why you should. Nothing anyone on here suggests to you is going to change that. But please, just be honest with yourself. At some point, probably when your youngest starts secondary school, you will have no excuses left and will have to do what millions of women, many in a similar situation to you, do day in day out. And that's get a job!