To have concerns about going back to work (long post)

[BackToWorkAgain]

Warning extremely long post

I had a couple of career jobs in my 20's. Stayed at home in my 30's raising our family. Now in my 40's it is time to work again.

I have some concerns about returning to work and a couple of questions regarding child care.

Child care questions first.

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to leave a 10yo, 8yo and 6yo to lock up the house and walk 10 minutes to primary school together in the morning and return home together after school to wait home together but without adult supervision until a parent returns. They already do this walk with me daily. 8yo and 10yo sometimes walk back from school on their own.

I think we would have to pay for school wrap around care for all three children. As 6yo and 8yo are too young to be on their own and the 10yo is very anxious child and gets very frightened if they are ever left alone, even to sleep or visit the bathroom.

1. Do we need to pay for wrap around school care for the three younger children ?

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to get the 12yo to watch the 10yo, 8yo and 6yo all day in the school holidays whilst we both work. 12yo would also have to serve a simple cold lunch and get snacks and drinks out.

I think we would have to pay for holiday care for the youngest two at the very minimum. As 10yo would probably be OK with 12yo during the day.

2. Do we need to pay for holiday care for the youngest two/three ?

Now the work concerns

I have not formally worked for a decade, but have volunteered for a few things during this time. However I still have a working brain and I am more than capable of finding work and actually doing a job day to day.

In fact the thought of working with adults is appealing to me, to do work that matters rather than the endless grind of housework. All things being equal, I look forward to returning to work. However I was planning to wait until the youngest was in high school and my DH wants me to go back now...hence looking into practicalities now.

My main concern is that I won't be able to turn a profit. My last job was well paid, however as I need a local job and a short commute (because of health issues) there isn't much choice locally. I will likely end up in a minimum wage no promotion type job.

I need to balance this new income against one off costs (work clothes and a pair of shoes), work related costs (petrol/parking), child care costs AND taking into account the loss of child tax credits (removed at a sliding scale depending on my new income) and loss of PIP (which I suspect will be removed the moment I return to work, even though in theory PIP is not related to work, in reality it usually is)

I need this combination to come out with a positive number. Of course if I found a term time or school hours job that would be a lot easier to do, but nothing around here at the minute. So looking at full time hours jobs.

I know there will be comments about how childcare costs need to be taken out of DH's wage too. But in reality his wage already covers all monthly expenses with a tiny amount left over. Simply speaking, if my wage can't cover all my new costs plus turn a profit, it is not feasible.

My DH has ruled out evening or weekend work, as he doesn't want to be stuck in with the children whilst I work. Which is a shame, as this would be the easiest way to turn a profit. I will talk to him again, as I think this is the best solution.

Night work would be very hard for me, as I need to use my cpap machine a minimum of six hours a night in order to be compliant and keep my driving license.

So I am looking at week day work.

I am worried that my ill health will make holding a job down difficult.

My bowel disease means that I need access to a toilet at all times and that access has to be spontaneous, as I might only have a minute to get there. I can not finish a phone call or finish serving a customer, I need a job that I can excuse myself and visit the ladies as and when I need to.

It also means I have periods of a few days a month when I can't leave the bathroom in the morning and would near the flexibility to start work late on these days.

I also have a yearly review and every three years I have a colonoscopy. So would need time off for that stuff too.

I am on a medical diet to reduce IBS symptoms (in addition to my other bowel issue), which means I always have to eat my own food and need somewhere to store, reheat, eat food. This should be an easy one to sort out, as I carry my own food with me as standard.

My Under Active Thyroid requires regular blood tests and medicine updates to get my levels right. This is partially why I am so exhausted all the time. Probably only need two gp appointments every three months. One for bloods, one for results.

My hearing issues are mild, I wear aid in my hearing impaired ear but not in my deaf one, I can lipread. I find noisy environments very difficult to deal with and clearly struggle to hear at some times. But honestly this has never affected my work much.

Beyond people failing to get my attention sometimes and I prefer to confirm everything in a email to check I haven't misheard anything (which is sensible for everyone to do).

Sleep Apnoea adds to my tiredness and I use a cpap machine overnight in order to keep my driving license.

I am temporarily having balance issues, I am falling over more and dropping things a fair bit. But I am confident this will go away, maybe I need some exercises to do. I have a Neurology Appointment next month, hopefully it will rule out the nasties and I will get a sheet of exercises to strengthen my legs and grip.

My bowel disease and my hearing impairment are classed as disabilities but I don't consider myself to be disabled.

My DH thinks I am disabled and I should tell potential employers upfront and I am more likely to get a guarantee interview this way too. But I am concerned my issues would put them off employing me. However it would give me a chance to explain in person, how I am a good worker, despite a few health issues. So I am very undecided on this point.

I am unsure when/if I would tell an employee about my health issues. Before interview, after I start work, if it starts affecting my job ?

3. Do work need to know about my health issues ? If so when do you mention it ?

4. Will work allow me time off for regular medical appointments?

I am concerned that DH has made it clear that he can not help with the children's clubs, illness, homework. As he works long hours a good distance away.

In particularly I need to cover 12yo brace appointments every three months and 6yo speech therapy appointments one hour weekly.

5. Will work allow me time off for regular children medical appointments? Or how else do I get children to these appointments?

Currently there are also a beavers, cubs, dance, scouts and gymnastic evening clubs outside school. Plus a couple of after school clubs too.
I usually parent and ferry children around between 3.30pm and 8pm (latest one 9.30pm) every evening.

6. But if I work full time and need to fit homework, tea, bath in for the kids, I assume they will have to quit all these clubs. Or do I get a taxi to run them there, whilst I parent the other children ? How do other people do this ?

My DH has already said that he can not take time off to cover children illness, it is up to me to cover it all. Luckily only the 6yo is ill often and I am confident that this will improve in time. I am guessing I will need maximum 6 days a year to cover D&V bugs, hopefully a lot less.

7. Will work allow me time off when kids are ill ? What are the alternatives ?

I am concerned that I simply will not be able to cope doing everything that I do now and work 40 hours on top of it
However I know plenty of women do it and therefore there is no reason I shouldn't try.

But I am so exhausted already and I don't know how I am going find the extra energy I need. Already at home, I can not sit down from 3pm onwards as I will fall asleep, even if talking to someone or doing paperwork. The doctor said that is normal for parents, so I just have to KOKO.

Despite all these worries, if I can address all the above concerns and bring in some much needed money into the house, I would be delighted.

On the plus note, I want to earn my own money, help support our family, maybe save up for a family holiday. I want to stop living on such a tight budget, where so many things are simply beyond our means. It would be great to know that when something breaks we would have the money there to to fix it.

But what if I make everything so much worse for me and the kids. What if I work full time and bring in a small amount of money or nothing. I am worried that the kids will spend all their time alone or at school, have to cancel their clubs and not see their friends, so I can work for no profit.

I am definitely going back to work but I planned to get all the kids into high school first, to reduce child care costs. I just think with three in primary school this is going to be hard.

Any positive advice welcome.

I am feeling better now my concerns are written down. Hopefully I will get some good pointers from here and I can work down my list, eliminating my concerns.

Ps. Congratulations for reading this far !

However I know plenty of women do it and therefore there is no reason I shouldn't try.

I'm one of those women you are talking about that you see (occasionally) at the school gates. I work full time in a demanding job. DH takes the DC to school every day, he organises all the school payments, homework, he cooks dinner if I'm out late, looks after DC when they are ill amongst other things. Not convinced we're comparing like for like here.

Your husband sounds like a total and utter arse. And of course you can't get a 10yo to look after a 6yo the school would call social services for a start.

The fact is, your husband needs to be more realistic. Sadly it can be like starting again after you've taken a substantial period of time off from work to care for children. I had a good 4-5 years break (with some waitressing work) and I was early 20's so hadn't really got started. It is hard. For every job being applied for, there are people with continuous experience applying.

The reason people are so down on your husband is because for every realistic solution you offer, he counteracts it with some selfish reason why it doesn't suit him. Everyone's tired. My dad had a similar commute as your husband, but he knew when he got home, my mum was going out to work (nurse) and he had to keep on top of the house and parent his children. You had sacrificed your career potential up until this point. If he wants you to work he has a role in facilitating that. Both of your life's will be incredibly different.

It's odd that he's so focused on you having a full time job rather than on the actual money. I know you said it was your agreement but it sounds like he was happy enough whilst there were children at home and you were bearing the brunt of it but now they're at school and you can have a breather he's massively resentful.
I also agree that your posting style is disingenuous. The skills you have listed should easily be translated into high-ish paying part time work from home. Are you posting in this way because you are showing him the thread?
The last comment I will make, and this is a massive reach which may get me flamed, is: is it possible your husband is planning to leave you and that he wants you working full time as this would advantage him enormously in a divorce?

Honestly he needs to get a job much closer to home. I go through a tank of diesel a week and it isn't cheap. You'd be better off financially and he would get 10 hours back. Win win!

MrsWobble3
Bursary is £20k, I would have to take out a loan to fully cover child care and traveling costs but might just be doable. Though again I would not be bringing money in whilst training.

Proper salary is £23,720 I am not sure I will make a profit after costs.
It depends on how school holidays work regarding child care. At our primary school the teachers have to be in school most of the holidays doing classrooms and parking work.

I wonder how it works at high school ?
Would I be able to take my kids with me or would I be paying for holiday clubs. Does anyone know ?

I love the idea of an office job at the schools. I keep an eye out for those type of jobs.

ohamIreally I was just beginning to wonder that myself.

I wonder how it works at high school ?
Would I be able to take my kids with me or would I be paying for holiday clubs. Does anyone know ?

when would you be taking your DC with you?

virtually every parent looking for a term time only job is looking at schools, so good luck with that

How much does DP earn?

I am sorry about all your health issues which sound horrible. Could you wear some kind of adult nappy so if you have an emergency poo leakage you could carry on with work and the employer not know?

Even better would be to find some kind of work from home such as a writing or editng job.

No the children are too young to be left. We had to find someone to do that kind of care and by the way my children's father organised a lot of it - not me. Just bwecause people arem ale does not mean they cannot find, hire, advertise for and pay someone to care for their children. Also why can't you work at weekends just because sunny Jim of a husband is not prepared to look after his own children. What sort of man is that?

There are a lot of concerning things about your posts OP. A lot of what your husband is suggesting is very unreasonable but you don’t seem to have an opinion on it. You seem very passive and to be in his thrall, but everyone in this thread can plainly see he’s an arse.

It’s very worrying that he thinks a 12 year old child could assume responsibility for three younger children. An even more worrying that he thinks this would be a good idea for school holidays. How would that work in practice? The poor kids would never be able to leave the house.

It’s even more worrying that you don’t think he’s a massive twat for suggesting it. You have been the sole and primary carer for your children their whole lives, why aren’t you sticking up for them?

The house is in your name and all mortgage statements come to you, but your husband thinks there’s not enough equity in your house to move. What do YOU think? You are more informed than him.

Your husband has a ludicrous commute that must cost hundreds of pounds a month, yet he doesn’t earn enough to disqualify you from the benefits you receive. So he’s travelling all that way and spending all that money and time out of the house for a £30k ish job? He needs something better paid and closer. If he could cut down the cost of his commute you’d be in the black every month from that saving alone.

He says he doesn’t want to be stuck in with the children on evening and weekends. He is basically saying he can’t be fucked with his children. Yet you still seem to think he’s a prince among men.

There’s a lot more I could unpick here but this post is long already.

In conclusion, I’m worried OP that your husband is a massive wanker and only cares about getting things his own way. Even at the expense of your children’s safety and mental wellbeing.

Being a teacher wouldn’t work with your health conditions I’m afraid. You certainly can’t leave the classroom to go to the loo at a moments notice. You wouldn’t have flexibility to start late. You don’t like noisy environments due to your hearing issue. Taking time off for appointments is very difficult also (possibly if you get one at 4pm ish and you can do your marking and planning at a different time). Also you would be working a lot at evenings and weekends.

In your situation you need part time work until your youngest is older.

If you still want full time work you’d definitely need holiday and school clubs for the 6&8 yo. 12 and 10yo will likely be ok before and after school together. I’d not feel comfortable letting children that young lock up the house for the day but that depends on how mature the 10yo is.

You’d also likely need to cut their after school clubs as you’ll not want to be doing that after work with the house and meal to get sorted.

It’s very unlikely you’d make much extra money for it to be worth the stress at this stage. Might be different if you didn’t have the health issues on top. I’d look for about 16hours a week, ideally in school hours or at the weekend. In a couple years time it will be far easier for you to work as you’ll not need so much childcare.

I am not being disingenuous, rather I am very conflicted. I don't know where to start I a grateful for all the suggestions and will be following them up.

I do agree that free lancing sounds great. But my work skills are outdated and I don't know how to get started. I will get out there and have a go.

I am so worried that all will happen is I end up with 40 hours additional workload and a hope heap of stress for maybe an additional £40 in our pockets. I would feel better if I could get DJ pinned down to a figure which would help us.

I don't think he is planning to leave. Of course I could be wrong but I have to make decisions based on my current situation and that is with my DH.

OP with a husband who was never available to help with the childcare/house/etc, I went back to work after 7 years off when dd was 5. Part-time and local for first year; 9.30 to 2 four days a week and cleared just shy of £600pcm. The following year they cut me a deal of more hours pw but term time only.

Yr 3 they created a career development job. Full-time and two grades higher. Think I cleared about £1300 (and spent at least £800 on au-pair and holiday clubs).

Yr 4 when dc were 7/8 and 10/11 they funded professional quals and I worked full time, went to college two evenings and did a lot of c ourse work.

Took me five years from going back to work to being fully qualified.

An au-pair until the youngest went to secondary school was essential, ie when dc were 11 and 14 and they were both v sensible. Tjat first year I tweaked my hours to 8.30 to 5 so dd was never alone for more than an hour.

I was healthy, energetic and had only two children and a supportive albeit v hardworking dh who didn't care whether I earnt or not but did care about me having a career. I also had only two children who were hardly ill.

I think your dh's expectations are totally unreasonable in your circumstances.

You need something school hours with no addl on costs though still more than you wd otherwise have providing it doesn't impact your benefits/ tax credits etc.

The biggest thing that you need to get to OP is that if you are both working and equal re providing you also have to be equal with the rest of it.

Otherwise as you say you'll just get 40 hours a week more to do and he will remain unchanged. Is he really communing that far for a job that he receives tax credits in? That really is utterly crazy and if you need to work also he needs to get a job closer to home or think more flexibly. I have a long commute but still manage to pick dc up/ cook dinner/ do washing/ order online shop etc.

I am not being passive, I feel extremely guilty for not being back in a job already. I know things change and certainly my health is not the best. But that does not mean I get to check out of my financial responsibilities either.

I think I am going to find a weekend job and present it to DJ as a done deal. That way I can still parent the kids as usual during the week, their lives will remain unchanged. Yes, it means DH will have to cut back time on his computer and his hobbies at the weekends, to parent the children but he should be honoured to spend time with them. They are great kids. I love spending time with them.

I think you need to try to find a nanny. We have had a nanny since the youngest was about 18 months (the DCs were not happy with their childminder) we have also been fortunate that our nanny was happy to move to just after school and holiday cover. A nanny may also be happy to take to activities and cook a meal for the DCs. I set myself up as a self employed cleaner during a time after maternity leave when we couldn't afford childcare. It worked really well, as I could choose when I worked and if the DC were ill, I was able to text to say I couldn't come at the usual time, but could do a Saturday or Sunday morning.

My current full time job in the public sector started off part time, which gave a bit of flexibility. You have options, but they need to work for you rather than for your husband.

You don't have anything to feel guilty about at all. Part time seems like a sensible solution at least at first if you want to go back to work

I don't think weekend work will bring in much money either, but it will be something I can do.

OhTheRoses
Your post is so inspiring. What job did you end up doing ?
I will start looking actively for a school hours job which might have more potential in the future.

Tell him you’ll only look for a new job if he will.

He’s being totally unrealistic.

You are disabled, you have four young children, you haven’t worked for a decade. You’re not going to waltz into a £60k a year job.

Your children need proper childcare and you need to be careful with your health.

Working weekends is one solution but I still worry that you would run yourself into the ground. When would you get a break?

I know you keep saying DH is wonderful, but I’m really struggling to see how he’s in any way a truly equal and supportive partner to you. It all reads to me like he’s alright jack, so it’s up to everyone else to pick up the slack. No sense of him being a team player here. Your family’s circumstances have changed and that means all options now have to be looked at in the round - including him getting a closer, better paid job, or moving to be closer to his work. You’re all in this together no? Why is this only your problem to sort out?

Seeming happy where he is now is really not the point though is it OP?

Presumably you are happy with your current job (SAHP) but he seems to have pushed all of the responsibility for solving your current financial crisis onto you, by wanting you to effectively have 2 jobs and make endless sacrifices to bring in more money, whilst his life changes not one joy apart from having more cash?

How is that fair?

good for you op, just present it to him as a done deal.
baby steps op.

and any money is some money isnt it, it can only help, plus good for your confidence.

I should also have put op that even with just two dc and being fit and well I had to be 110% organised and just did it by the skin of my teeth. I always did an extra half hour here or volunteered for a project and got it done, at home if necessary. That meant if one was ill or needed hosp I always had time in hand and they knew i never ever took the pee.

This sounds really challenging . An employer is required to make reasonable adjustments but your medical requirements may not be able to be reasonably adjusted for. I have had very sadly to let people go for whom no reasonable adjustment could be made and no other positions in the company could accommodate needs either . One person needed access to the toilet as you describe and it simply wasn't possible in a shared office environment. I also doubt you will break even financially with the amount of wrap around and holiday care you will need but wish you the best of luck. I also wish it felt more like your choice as if it does come off it will be really hard work.

Do not look at being a teacher; you can’t leave a class unattended so you can’t go to the loo when you need to, plus it’s incredibly stressful and time-consuming.

Freelancing sounds perfect for you. I think the PP who pointed out that your husband is jealous of your hours in the day at home is correct - he doesn’t want you to earn a certain amount but he wants you to work 40 hours a week? That’s not about the money, is it?