To have concerns about going back to work (long post)

[BackToWorkAgain]

Warning extremely long post

I had a couple of career jobs in my 20's. Stayed at home in my 30's raising our family. Now in my 40's it is time to work again.

I have some concerns about returning to work and a couple of questions regarding child care.

Child care questions first.

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to leave a 10yo, 8yo and 6yo to lock up the house and walk 10 minutes to primary school together in the morning and return home together after school to wait home together but without adult supervision until a parent returns. They already do this walk with me daily. 8yo and 10yo sometimes walk back from school on their own.

I think we would have to pay for school wrap around care for all three children. As 6yo and 8yo are too young to be on their own and the 10yo is very anxious child and gets very frightened if they are ever left alone, even to sleep or visit the bathroom.

1. Do we need to pay for wrap around school care for the three younger children ?

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to get the 12yo to watch the 10yo, 8yo and 6yo all day in the school holidays whilst we both work. 12yo would also have to serve a simple cold lunch and get snacks and drinks out.

I think we would have to pay for holiday care for the youngest two at the very minimum. As 10yo would probably be OK with 12yo during the day.

2. Do we need to pay for holiday care for the youngest two/three ?

Now the work concerns

I have not formally worked for a decade, but have volunteered for a few things during this time. However I still have a working brain and I am more than capable of finding work and actually doing a job day to day.

In fact the thought of working with adults is appealing to me, to do work that matters rather than the endless grind of housework. All things being equal, I look forward to returning to work. However I was planning to wait until the youngest was in high school and my DH wants me to go back now...hence looking into practicalities now.

My main concern is that I won't be able to turn a profit. My last job was well paid, however as I need a local job and a short commute (because of health issues) there isn't much choice locally. I will likely end up in a minimum wage no promotion type job.

I need to balance this new income against one off costs (work clothes and a pair of shoes), work related costs (petrol/parking), child care costs AND taking into account the loss of child tax credits (removed at a sliding scale depending on my new income) and loss of PIP (which I suspect will be removed the moment I return to work, even though in theory PIP is not related to work, in reality it usually is)

I need this combination to come out with a positive number. Of course if I found a term time or school hours job that would be a lot easier to do, but nothing around here at the minute. So looking at full time hours jobs.

I know there will be comments about how childcare costs need to be taken out of DH's wage too. But in reality his wage already covers all monthly expenses with a tiny amount left over. Simply speaking, if my wage can't cover all my new costs plus turn a profit, it is not feasible.

My DH has ruled out evening or weekend work, as he doesn't want to be stuck in with the children whilst I work. Which is a shame, as this would be the easiest way to turn a profit. I will talk to him again, as I think this is the best solution.

Night work would be very hard for me, as I need to use my cpap machine a minimum of six hours a night in order to be compliant and keep my driving license.

So I am looking at week day work.

I am worried that my ill health will make holding a job down difficult.

My bowel disease means that I need access to a toilet at all times and that access has to be spontaneous, as I might only have a minute to get there. I can not finish a phone call or finish serving a customer, I need a job that I can excuse myself and visit the ladies as and when I need to.

It also means I have periods of a few days a month when I can't leave the bathroom in the morning and would near the flexibility to start work late on these days.

I also have a yearly review and every three years I have a colonoscopy. So would need time off for that stuff too.

I am on a medical diet to reduce IBS symptoms (in addition to my other bowel issue), which means I always have to eat my own food and need somewhere to store, reheat, eat food. This should be an easy one to sort out, as I carry my own food with me as standard.

My Under Active Thyroid requires regular blood tests and medicine updates to get my levels right. This is partially why I am so exhausted all the time. Probably only need two gp appointments every three months. One for bloods, one for results.

My hearing issues are mild, I wear aid in my hearing impaired ear but not in my deaf one, I can lipread. I find noisy environments very difficult to deal with and clearly struggle to hear at some times. But honestly this has never affected my work much.

Beyond people failing to get my attention sometimes and I prefer to confirm everything in a email to check I haven't misheard anything (which is sensible for everyone to do).

Sleep Apnoea adds to my tiredness and I use a cpap machine overnight in order to keep my driving license.

I am temporarily having balance issues, I am falling over more and dropping things a fair bit. But I am confident this will go away, maybe I need some exercises to do. I have a Neurology Appointment next month, hopefully it will rule out the nasties and I will get a sheet of exercises to strengthen my legs and grip.

My bowel disease and my hearing impairment are classed as disabilities but I don't consider myself to be disabled.

My DH thinks I am disabled and I should tell potential employers upfront and I am more likely to get a guarantee interview this way too. But I am concerned my issues would put them off employing me. However it would give me a chance to explain in person, how I am a good worker, despite a few health issues. So I am very undecided on this point.

I am unsure when/if I would tell an employee about my health issues. Before interview, after I start work, if it starts affecting my job ?

3. Do work need to know about my health issues ? If so when do you mention it ?

4. Will work allow me time off for regular medical appointments?

I am concerned that DH has made it clear that he can not help with the children's clubs, illness, homework. As he works long hours a good distance away.

In particularly I need to cover 12yo brace appointments every three months and 6yo speech therapy appointments one hour weekly.

5. Will work allow me time off for regular children medical appointments? Or how else do I get children to these appointments?

Currently there are also a beavers, cubs, dance, scouts and gymnastic evening clubs outside school. Plus a couple of after school clubs too.
I usually parent and ferry children around between 3.30pm and 8pm (latest one 9.30pm) every evening.

6. But if I work full time and need to fit homework, tea, bath in for the kids, I assume they will have to quit all these clubs. Or do I get a taxi to run them there, whilst I parent the other children ? How do other people do this ?

My DH has already said that he can not take time off to cover children illness, it is up to me to cover it all. Luckily only the 6yo is ill often and I am confident that this will improve in time. I am guessing I will need maximum 6 days a year to cover D&V bugs, hopefully a lot less.

7. Will work allow me time off when kids are ill ? What are the alternatives ?

I am concerned that I simply will not be able to cope doing everything that I do now and work 40 hours on top of it
However I know plenty of women do it and therefore there is no reason I shouldn't try.

But I am so exhausted already and I don't know how I am going find the extra energy I need. Already at home, I can not sit down from 3pm onwards as I will fall asleep, even if talking to someone or doing paperwork. The doctor said that is normal for parents, so I just have to KOKO.

Despite all these worries, if I can address all the above concerns and bring in some much needed money into the house, I would be delighted.

On the plus note, I want to earn my own money, help support our family, maybe save up for a family holiday. I want to stop living on such a tight budget, where so many things are simply beyond our means. It would be great to know that when something breaks we would have the money there to to fix it.

But what if I make everything so much worse for me and the kids. What if I work full time and bring in a small amount of money or nothing. I am worried that the kids will spend all their time alone or at school, have to cancel their clubs and not see their friends, so I can work for no profit.

I am definitely going back to work but I planned to get all the kids into high school first, to reduce child care costs. I just think with three in primary school this is going to be hard.

Any positive advice welcome.

I am feeling better now my concerns are written down. Hopefully I will get some good pointers from here and I can work down my list, eliminating my concerns.

Ps. Congratulations for reading this far !

@Soontobe60 First, if your DH worked two hundred miles away and was away from home for 12 hours a day, he must only be in work for 4 hours as the rest of the time he would be travelling!

OP has updated to say he works 60 miles away (120 round trip)

I dont think the OP is opposed to getting a job, but I think she is rightly against getting a full time job when her cocklodger 'D'H is refusing to help out at home - so he expects her to get a full time job, run around doing all the school runs and looking after the children all the time, all the sickness and all the housework

@BackToWorkAgain apart from the salary he brings in (which obviously isnt enough) does he bring anything else to the table?

I am so worried that all will happen is I end up with 40 hours additional workload and a hope heap of stress for maybe an additional £40 in our pockets.

Please don't do this. Be a dinner lady or a cleaner or something first. You could earn £50 a week from doing two cleaning jobs, and you'd only have to give up about four hours a week while your kids were in school.

Why is it your fault that he’s cancelled his afternoon out? Why was he even going out in the weekend anyway when he sees so little of you and the kids in the week?

Why, if he’s so sad, and hates the pressure of being sold breadwinner, doesn’t he look for a less stressful job? By which I mean one that is closer and maybe pays more.

If he is unhappy with the situation what is he doing for his part to change it? Right now he’s just putting it all on you.

And WTF is he ‘sad’ for anyway? Has it only just dawned on him that he has four kids that need looking after? Or did he think they were like pets or something?

How are you not OUTRAGED that he has explicitly said he can’t be fucked to look after his children but expects your 12 year old to do it?

How do you not know how much equity is in your house when it’s in your name and you get the mortgage statements?

Is this even for real??

Op, do you actually know where your DH works? I find it rather odd that you write that his job is 200 miles away when it is just 60

Look, OP, I'm usually the first on these threads to say that it's tough being a sole breadwinner and that people aren't entitled to SAH indefinitely if their partners don't support that set-up. But your DH is being ridiculous.

He can't expect you to take on a full time job without sucking up some extra work at home. He can't expect the burden of childcare to fall to a 12yo without taking on any additional responsibility himself. And he can't expect your prospective employer to be flexible around your childcare issues while insisting that his employer shouldn't have to budge at all.

I'm all in favour of equality and sharing the breadwinning/domestic labour, but there does have to be some give on both sides. He can't just expect you to change what you're doing without being prepared to make some changes of his own.

In your situation, though, I'd be pushing him to make those changes so that you can regain some of your financial independence. I wouldn't want to rely too heavily on someone with the attitudes that you have described.

We are going through figures now. If I get a £25k term time job I will come back with an additional £100 per month after expenses than we make now. That would be ok. I could catch up with the kids in the holidays.

Just looking at full time jobs now.

DH has accepted we need childcare.

You're being unrealistic about how stressful full time work is with kids. Especially four.
£25 a week for what will be a lot of stress is not worth it.

Please look into tax free childcare. I know the voucher system has ended for new joiners but you can still pay a portion of your salary into an account and the tax man tops it up. Your DH should apply for it immediately to start building up funds for when you go back to work.
Hopefully him doing this will psychologically prompt him to realise that childcare is half his responsibility, and will enable you to feel that steps are being taken to enable you to work.

You propose to work a full time (term time) job for £100 a month?

I’m starting to feel this thread is a wind up....

BasinHaircut
It would cover loss of PIP and loss of child tax credits, petrol and wrap around childcare for three youngest and an additional £100.

Not brilliant but at least I would be buiding up a cv for when the kids are older.

So what is your DH going to do differently to facilitate your return to work, OP?

I'm not trying to be mean here OP, but I think it's extremely unlikely that you'll walk into a 25k a year, term time only job, when you've been out of work for over 10 years.

AlexaShutUp
He has promised to rearrange work and will aim to get home from work an hour earlier than he normally does and will take the kids to their evening clubs (As he knows I hate driving)

I am going to try and get a term time job first...School hours a bonus. Failing that I will start looking at full time hours however we make more profit on a term time job and much less on a full time job. So I would have to look at higher salaries.

I found one school hours job which I will apply for only £10k but I might be able to avoid wrap around care with this one and that makes a small profit.

You can still receive PIP and work .

Onglue Probably not. But I was on a much higher wage before I was made redundant when pregnant with my first child. I now have a spreadsheet which I select how much holiday care and wrap around care I need, salary, fuel and parking costs and it calculates if I make a profit or not.
So I will go through the job sites tomorrow and see what is worth applying for.

I think a school hours job on a lower income is more realistic, and you will make a some profit if you can avoid childcare costs. Then once you've got some recent work experience, you can move onto more hours/ better paid work.

Remember you have to think long term, so although you won't be making big bucks straight away, in 5 or 6 years time, once your children are all in secondary, you'll be much better off.

Oldbutstillgotit
I know in theory I should keep PIP but I understand in practice once you are employed you usually lose it.
I am working on the worse scenario, of I get to keep it. I can expect to have £300 a month rather than £100...so that would be great.

OP most jobs require recent experience though, particularly on that amount of money for term time only work.

"I think a school hours job on a lower income is more realistic, and you will make a some profit if you can avoid childcare costs."
It will be tight but if I was lucky enough to catch this job and the hours were right (9am to 3pm) and I could arrive and leave on the dot. I think I could JUST make it there on time and back to our school for pickup...It would be very tight but doable. Plus next year, my youngest will move to the big playground. Which means they could be left to play on the playground and I could get off 10 minutes earlier.

Can you set up on your own using your skills working from home? I do this am entirely flexible am at home and really well paid.

And pick up ten minutes later (as they can play on the big playground after school) and then it would be much easier to make the times work.

MsTSwift I would love to work from home. But I have no contacts and no idea where to start.
If I can't find a term job, I will also look at free lance jobs.

What did you do before? Can you network with other parents for work? I make much more on my own than I ever could working part time for someone else.

@backtoworkagain

That is not the case . I know several people who work and receive PIP.

Its a lot of crap that you will lose pip while working.. i was awarded pip when working 25 hrs per week for 3 years... i ended the claim myself when i was up to better strength and no longer considered myself requiring the help afforded me by pip.