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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

CF and lifts. How to handle it.

286 replies

TheLostTargaryen · 18/01/2019 16:30

I'll try and keep this short. Obnoxiously rude kid and his equally rude siblings keep demanding lifts because we live on the adjacent street. The mum who is disabled (lifelong so has always known what the score is) has told said children that if I'm picking up my kids that they should get a lift with me because I'm going that way anyway. One club ends at 8pm 2 days a week. My oldest DS (13) attends and just before Christmas, rude kid started the hobby. I went to pick DS up one week and kid announced loudly, "You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift!" - He's 11 if that's relevant.
I didn't know what to say. It's no huge effort for me to take these kids except that I find it so fucking cheeky. The mum had hinted about it to me days earlier in passing but I had shrugged and told her that my DS usually walks home most nights. The night I did go, I had to stay late to speak to the coach about something and the kid kept interrupting telling me, "You need to hurry up!". DS angrily said "If you're in a rush, you can always walk home!"

The other thing is that the kids are not well liked at all (the rudeness and bad behaviour means the other children merely tolerate but don't socialise with them) and my DS is red faced and mortified leaving his mates with the "weird" kids getting into our car. I've told DS to tell his smirking, piss taking mates to grow up but honestly, I can totally sympathise. As a child I would have thought the same.

I've knocked the expecting lifts home from school on the head (finding kid standing beside my car instead of walking home like he's supposed to) by acting dumb to him telling me "It's raining. I'm going to get so wet walking home!" Or "I need to be home quickly today but it'll take soooo long walking" by me replying, "it's lucky you have a hood on your coat isn't it?" or telling him he'd better walk quickly then.

I don't want to fall out with the disabled woman. I understand that she can't easily walk her dc to and from hobbies etc but why is it my bloody problem? Yes I'm going there anyway but I like the journey being just me and my DC. I feel for the woman, I do. Life must be difficult but it's starting to piss me off. I'm the type to go out of my way to do anyone a favour but when it's expected or demanded I back right off. I'll now be changing my routine (going to the shop after pick up instead of before) so I'll be able to diplomatically decline their kind offer of an unpaid chauffeur job.

I need to put my tough-bitch pants on and just say it don't I? But if I do I could upset a presumably already pretty isolated woman. This is really difficult. What's the best way to do this? Fake excuses until they stop expecting or saying it straight and possibly causing upset?

OP posts:
TheLostTargaryen · 19/01/2019 18:49

I might do that PP.
Load the car up just so I'm not offending anyone. I don't want to upset, offend or insult the woman. My own parents have been disabled all my life but they never expected everyone else to go out of their way to sort their kids out.

OP posts:
StarB3 · 19/01/2019 18:51

Maybe if she had actually asked you instead of just telling her kids too without your permission you wouldn't have minded so much. Maybe a lift back from the club wouldn't hurt as it's a bit later, but not back from school all the time. You're right , they can walk that like a lot of kids do

Goldmandra · 19/01/2019 18:51

I will definitely speak to the children and tell them that I find their demanding attitudes and language unacceptable

I think this is the best way to be kind to them. It will equip them in a way that their mother currently isn't.

When you do it, make sure you let them know the more appropriate words you would like them to use. Its entirely possible that they wouldn't know where to start.

Kindness isn't about putting up with CFery. In this case, it's about reserving judgement and giving the children opportunities to learn. Part of that learning process may need to include refusing lifts when they forget their manners.

RandomMess · 19/01/2019 18:53

I'm all for giving lifts to save the planet and help others out especially for out of school activities.

However regularly after school I just wouldn't want to, I would want to pick my kids up and just go home!!! Don't want the "faff" it would make me irritated.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2019 18:56

Mum is a pisstaker and just tell the kids that mum by as not asked you. So they will have to walk home.

Freddiepurrcury · 19/01/2019 19:00

OP, I’m on your side. The expectation would make me refuse too, it’s so damn cheeky!

YoThePussy · 19/01/2019 19:11

Skin is waterproof, walking home ten minutes in the rain isn’t going to do them any harm.

OP, best to make the lifts if you choose to give them on an erratic basis. They will then be an unexpected treat for the children.

Remember my DM giving an acquaintance and her child a lift back from an event. The arrangement was they would be dropped in the high street so DM didn’t go out of her way. The child had a full blown screaming jag when it came to get out of the car and demanded to be driven home to their front door. Despite many entreating phone calls from the mum they never got another lift from us.

bristolboop · 19/01/2019 19:21

Hi I think it would be best to speak to the mum and find out what is going on. She is disabled and although it is not an excuse it can be very hard for disabled people to ask for help - she is clearly hoping that her children will do it for her. A frank conversation with the mum along the lines of ‘if I can, and it’s convenient, I can give your children a lift but you can’t rely on me all the time or expect it every single time’ would be good. Children can be rude even though they haven’t been brought up to be, and you may be holding a perception of the mum that isn’t in fact true. You state that she has hinted before, this was probably her way of asking for help - and if you weren’t clear in that original conversation I can see how this situation has come about. There is definitely an argument for conversation and compassion here, as well as a life lesson for your children. We should help each other where we can and not automatically assume people are cheeky fuckers - the mum is probably shy and mortified at having to ask for help. She’s not gone about it in the right way but who among all of us has managed to approach every situation in the perfect way?!

TheCherries · 19/01/2019 19:23

I would be hoping to never end up disabled and need any assistance from the community you live in.

Nor that your kid is ever the one to be ostracised by society.

What a wonderful world we all live in

bristolboop · 19/01/2019 19:24

I feel really sorry for the kids in this situation too. I imagine they have a lot more to deal with than other, luckier, kids and the thought of other kids (and mums who frankly should know better) being dismissive and unkind is very sad. Be an example to your kids.

cunningartificer · 19/01/2019 19:33

When my son was little he had a serious health problem. My husband was made redundant. People didn’t know, but one mother at school offered to drop him at a childminder on her way home so I could still work when he started school. I didn’t need it that long, but it was an utter lifesaver, and ever since I’ve tried to help out when I can. In retrospect I didn’t do the mumsnet let me pay for petrol dance because I was so blinded by what was going on in my life. She could have thought me a CF but instead she saved me. I’m so very grateful.

I’d give a lift when it doesn’t inconvenience you, and tell the kids what you expect in terms of politeness. It sounds to me as if mother thought the conversation with you = “yes I’ll give them a lift if I can” and told the kids to ask you if it was convenient if they saw you there. Easy for not very polite or socially skilled 11 year old to turn that into “my mum said”.

As for weird kids... that’s sad. Start teaching yours the great truth that you can tell a lot about someone by how they treat someone who can be of no possible use to them.

bristolboop · 19/01/2019 19:36

Yes it might not hurt them to walk home, but when they get home they might have to cook, clean or help their mum undertake personal tasks - and saving them a 10 minute walk might mean they are not too tired to help their mum and they can get to bed earlier. Just a little more thought and compassion would be so nice in this world. And I really hate your ‘so she knows the score’ line - very telling about your character. I only hope that if you become disabled in the future someone shows your kids the compassion you are failing to display.

TheCherries · 19/01/2019 19:39

Being scared and unhappy can also make you respond in what can appear a rude way.

Late at night in the dark, an 11 year old.

I would like to think my community would step in and help me and mine, just like I do in my community.

I live in a lovely area where if someone asks for a lift no matter how long for, it I am there anyway I will help them out.

The saying, it takes an entire community to bring up a child. So true and probably indicative of why we have so many problems in society as we become more and more insular and self entitled and to hell with those around us

MrMeSeeks · 19/01/2019 19:41

Im disabled and i think shes a cf. not a chance would i expect a stranger to give me a lift!
Say no!

Klopptimist · 19/01/2019 19:45

Be an example to your kids

What, an example of expecting others to pick up the slack for you? An example of getting what you want by being cheeky and rude?

And what on earth is the mumsnet let me pay for petrol dance?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 19/01/2019 19:47

Tell her that if her children are doing these things then she needs to arrange appropriate transport home for them.

It restricts you by you then having to go straight home but also, it's time that's just you and your DS and as they get older those moments are so rare.

Thewarrenerswife · 19/01/2019 19:50

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ddl1 · 19/01/2019 20:14

Are you sure that the mother actually told the children exactly what they reported her as saying? Children are notorious for presenting an adult's tentative suggestion or polite request for a favour as giving an order. To the teacher: 'I'm not feeling well and my Mum says you've GOT to let me off P.E.' To the parent: 'My teacher says you've GOT to find me something from the olden days to take to school.' Etc. The operative word is usually 'GOT to' when usually no one said any such thing. And it's not necessarily lying or CF-ery on the part of the children: it's often a genuine tendency to treat anything that an adult says as giving an order (not that they necessarily obey it themselves!) I would check with the mother as to what she actually said, and then decide whether you can or should give any help - there might possibly be a compromise such as giving the children a lift on one or two specified days each week but not every day or 'on demand'. While the children's own behaviour will obviously influence how willing you are to have them in your car, I do feel rather strongly that you shouldn't let the possibility of your children being embarrassed by their presence in front of the 'cool kids' influence your decision. That would just be pandering to the bullies.

Klopptimist · 19/01/2019 20:23

Thewarrenerswife

Have you ever heard the term RTFT?

jus let telling an 11yr old he has a hood when you’re driving to his house anyway

The houses are close as the crow flies. Driving is another matter and involves OP going out of her way.

your kids are happy to join the crowd in isolating the ‘weird’ kid

Op has already told her DS to grow up.

Sure have a conversation with the Mum (who you know is isolated and disabled... but she knew the score right?)

We don't know if she is isolated. Considering OP saw her in passing, I suspect not. And yes, she DID know the score.

And at 11yrs old we have very little choice in the factors that shape our personality

Bollocks. 11 is old enough to have learnt some manners.

someone be as miserable a bitch as you are being

Wow. Lecturing about kindness but calling another woman a bitch. Twice.

If you weren’t so self absorbed...

According to your username, your only identity is someone's wife. Some people do have identities of their own you know...

findurfavouritesorhaveabrowse · 19/01/2019 20:33

@TheCherries @bristolboop - you get it xx

TheLostTargaryen · 19/01/2019 20:50

The day I believe these virtue signallers really are spending their lives working their arses off for the unfortunate is the day I get off the Internet. I wonder if their spare rooms are taken up by the homeless.

The mum knows her kids ask things rudely. They speak to her like shit too. They have done so in front of her and I have had to politely smile and gently tell the child no while she smiles indulgently. She is disabled but the children are not carers. If they did actually help their mum a bit I'd possibly be more inclined to put myself out. However, they do not. They are badly behaved and rude. I used the term "weird" to express how they are viewed in school. They are brash and pushy. They don't make friends because they upset people. Maybe I should have picked a batter word.

OP posts:
BlancheM · 19/01/2019 21:04

Horrid.

Youshallnotpass · 19/01/2019 21:28

This thread is absolutely gold.

These kids are not your kids, if you don't want to give them a lift - don't.

I am amazed at people suggesting you walk to avoid the situation of giving lifts to effectively random strangers children demanding lifts Shock. You have your own stuff going on and your own children to collect in between everything else.

Just tell the kids you aren't giving them lifts ever again, the end.

GreenTulips · 19/01/2019 21:46

Unless you’ve met one of these types - you don’t know what you’re talking about

GreenTulips · 19/01/2019 21:48

And to add - how many posts do we see if woman rolling over to acomidate others? hoe many asking how to say no? How many having to ask is this ‘normal? Ok? Etc

Woman can say no it’s inconvenient- she has her own life and child and as I love nothing more than having a chat with one of my own teens in the car home

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