CF and lifts. How to handle it.

[TheLostTargaryen]

I'll try and keep this short. Obnoxiously rude kid and his equally rude siblings keep demanding lifts because we live on the adjacent street. The mum who is disabled (lifelong so has always known what the score is) has told said children that if I'm picking up my kids that they should get a lift with me because I'm going that way anyway. One club ends at 8pm 2 days a week. My oldest DS (13) attends and just before Christmas, rude kid started the hobby. I went to pick DS up one week and kid announced loudly, "You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift!" - He's 11 if that's relevant.
I didn't know what to say. It's no huge effort for me to take these kids except that I find it so fucking cheeky. The mum had hinted about it to me days earlier in passing but I had shrugged and told her that my DS usually walks home most nights. The night I did go, I had to stay late to speak to the coach about something and the kid kept interrupting telling me, "You need to hurry up!". DS angrily said "If you're in a rush, you can always walk home!"

The other thing is that the kids are not well liked at all (the rudeness and bad behaviour means the other children merely tolerate but don't socialise with them) and my DS is red faced and mortified leaving his mates with the "weird" kids getting into our car. I've told DS to tell his smirking, piss taking mates to grow up but honestly, I can totally sympathise. As a child I would have thought the same.

I've knocked the expecting lifts home from school on the head (finding kid standing beside my car instead of walking home like he's supposed to) by acting dumb to him telling me "It's raining. I'm going to get so wet walking home!" Or "I need to be home quickly today but it'll take soooo long walking" by me replying, "it's lucky you have a hood on your coat isn't it?" or telling him he'd better walk quickly then.

I don't want to fall out with the disabled woman. I understand that she can't easily walk her dc to and from hobbies etc but why is it my bloody problem? Yes I'm going there anyway but I like the journey being just me and my DC. I feel for the woman, I do. Life must be difficult but it's starting to piss me off. I'm the type to go out of my way to do anyone a favour but when it's expected or demanded I back right off. I'll now be changing my routine (going to the shop after pick up instead of before) so I'll be able to diplomatically decline their kind offer of an unpaid chauffeur job.

I need to put my tough-bitch pants on and just say it don't I? But if I do I could upset a presumably already pretty isolated woman. This is really difficult. What's the best way to do this? Fake excuses until they stop expecting or saying it straight and possibly causing upset?

I think it's worth speaking to the mum about the situation.

Most mums wouldn't be thrilled to find out that their kids were being rude. Moreover, you really can't be telling your kids to get in peoples' cars without consultation and without knowing them well. It's not safe for anyone.

Mine walks loads and so do I. But in the pissing rain cheerily driving off when it's not it your way seems mean. Yes they can walk yes their mother hasn't picked them up. But that doesn't make it OK to be like "see ya weird kids" and speed off as the clouds open is it? Some people enjoy that sort of power though.

OP I really want to say YANBU but you really are....their mum is disabled- I can imagine that they end up doing a lot of caring responsibilities and not a lot of socialising and that might be why their social skills aren't great.

If I lived near to the kids and it was raining I would most certainly give them a lift- why wouldn't you? And seriously, you need to teach your kids to be kind and accepting of those people who are different/weird.

It’s sad really . For the kids
Seen as weird , disabled mum

But it’s not your problem

But try and be kind to them when it’s doesnt inconvenience you ?

If you all can’t see how nasty this thread is Its pointless telling you.
Suffice to say. Its children we are talking about, with a disabled mother, who knows what their lives are like at home? Probably not as nice and care free as the OPs children I imagine.
So what if their manners are not very good... no one is asking you to live with them for gods sake! Just give them a lift to places you are already going. Its the complete lack of kindness that has astounded me .

Tooty the mum has to ask op herself then, instead of doing it through the kids. Adults need to ok it. As they are still children. I would not give random children lifts if I have not been asked by their parent! Op needstosoeak to this mum and lay down boundaries.

I think those who are suggesting you are in the wrong have forgotten that good manners work both ways.

If the lady had approached you and asked you if it was possible and/or offered some petrol money or bought you the occasional bottle of wine etc as a thank you then she probably would have found you more accommodating. Getting your kids to rudely announce someone MUST give them lifts is ridiculous and probably the reason they are unliked with no manners. She has done her kids no favours at all.

I don’t think there is a lack of kindness. The OP will not solve the problems by giving the children lifts. And I think it’s a bit poor to suggest their lives must be shit just because they have a disabled mother who is a bit of a CF.

Yes it sounds like the mum is doing a very poor job of parenting, as they are rude. Yes manners work both ways not asking your kids that op must give them a lift, that would put my back up.

It isn't you responsibility - end of. It's easy to get hooked into these things with feelings of guilt, being pressed to be helpful etc. but if this is not convenient to you then perhaps help her out occasionally but you are NOT responsible for her family transport. Is she not entitled to a motability car, or is there no other means to get her children to school? I know of schools where children are brought in by taxi every day because there are family problems - perhaps she should apply to the LEA. I got hooked into giving lifts to a girl because she lived near me and her school was close to my place of work. She was offensive in many ways, never ever said thanks, and one day asked me to drive up the High Street - a complete traffic nightmare - as it was 'closer to the front door of her school'. When I said I wasn't prepared to leave my route and be late for work she got really quite nasty and said her mother always dropped her at the door. I pulled into a layby, told her to get out, and said perhaps her mother should be taking her in future.

Just say NO.

You’d leave a kid out in the rain to walk when you are passing right by his house. C’mon have a heart. Call him up on manners but isn’t it better to teach your son and his mates some empathy.

It is hard because they are just assuming you will help & with them being rude it’s even harder. However, if it isn’t out of your way or intruding on you time, I would give them a lift. Kindness costs nothing & is always the right thing to do.

Do you know for sure that the disabled mum HAS told her kids to get a lift with you? If they’re that cheeky and rude could just be saying that? Definitely need to speak to her directly to sort it out.

Andgive some help but with ground rules.

Sorry, haven’t RTFT but just tell the kids that your not giving them lifts if they are rude and when they can be polite and ask nicely then you will consider it, but not to expect it as it may not be convenient.

"The mum who is disabled (lifelong so has always known what the score is) has told said children that if I'm picking up my kids that they should get a lift with me because I'm going that way anyway. "

Well there's the root of the problem. They are doing what their mum told them, and I would be having words with her about that. She had no right, no right whatsoever, to co-opt you and your car to her use, and I'd be telling her that, and insisting she tells her children that you are under no obligation whatsoever to give them a lift. (Preferably, telling them this in front of me.)

As for the children, I'd be pulling them up on their demands. Faced with "You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift!" I'd counter with 'I don't HAVE to do anything. Your mother has never asked me to give you a lift, and neither have you. Demanding things from people just annoys them, and makes them want to say no. So - no.'

Don't fall for the 'tyranny of niceness'. CFy is CFy, and to be resisted .

You don't have to give them a lift if you don't want to. I bet the mom would rather you let them walk if she knows how poorly you think them. I would give them a lift, and lecture them daily about manners and attitude on the ride home. Sometines it takes a village. A simple act of kindness goes a long way. They aint costing you any extra. You seem like a snob to be honest..

I agree that this thread is nasty Tootyfilou

All the posters telling the op that she should give lifts because these poor children have a terrible life.
Why should she? Their mother has never asked her. They are rude to her, again why should she?
Why are all the posters being so rude and unpleasant

Send her a text and say: ‘Just wanted to let you know that this month’s petrol money contribution comes to £xxx. Please can you send it with one of the kids next week at club? Thanks!’

That should give her the message.

OP - you don't have to give this child a lift. With the level of rudeness you are experiencing I would not be doing so in your position.
You don't need to be guilted into it either.
If you want to give a lift then do it, if not because they are rude then simply say, " I can't do it today, sorry, goodbye" end of conversation.

NOBODY gets free ride in life. I had a tough childhood and am disabled now. My life, my pain, my responsibility.

It's is not that she is physically disabled, she is emotionally disabled. I have a few disabled family members and we all expect to carry our own weight.

Don't let her children bring your son down.

Good luck but be firm bc being disabled is not a "I get free help from whom I choose" gift card.

Could you not talk directly with the child about his manners? Something along the lines of “if you would like to keengetting lifts in my car I expect you to treat me with some respect”.

Tell him to start with basics. “Please may I have a lift today?” And a simple “thanks” when he gets out the car. Tell him if he can’t manage this you will stop with the lifts. As you don’t do nice things for people who are rude to you.

Yes the mum should have asked you to do lifts. I think you said something about her talking to you about it. Maybe she’s thought/assumed this was her asking and you saying yes. Also I know she should have taught her children more manners. We could all do better in the manners front. Both in teaching them a snack in using them ourselves. But I can also totally see how when you have a disability that manners are necessarily top of your list of priorities. And once children get to a certain level (where you realise they don’t have manners) it’s so hard to suddlenly start teaching them. I suspect he’s not pushed to be polite at home. School the are 30+ kids a class so it’s easy for teachers to miss basic manners. Maybe there just aren’t any adults encouraging him to have manners. And before people jump down my throat saying he’s not your child/responsiblity, I think when it comes to the next generations we all have a bit of resonciblity. Give him some respect and the chance to learn the levels you expect before banning him from having a simple lift with you.

The mum does expect people to chauffeur her kids around. She signs them up to many events, classes and clubs and will almost always put people on the spot on day one as her children's free taxi. I don't attend all the ones her DC do but my friends do and have also been asked. (Though non have agreed as they either don't have car space or are in the opposite direction) She is aware her children are asking demanding lifts.

I didn't want to go into such detail as it would be 100% outing and I didn't think I'd need to describe any extra pissing about if have to do but screw it.

The children technically live closer to the school than me. It's just a couple of streets away and I only drive there as I pass it on my way home. Picking up those kids takes extra time and I have to take a different route back if I am dropping them off albeit a mere 300 or 400 yards? Maybe 2 minutes? (Three streets basically). It's difficult to describe but think of the roads like a large rectangle shape with no connection at the top. We're both at the top of the rectangle but to get to hers I have to take a longer route and drive the whole left, bottom and right road to get back to mine. If her DC are walking there is an alley type shortcut from school street to hers and one to mine. They would either have to walk the length of my street, the bottom and theirs if I stopped at my house or I have to drive extra. The other option is them going through my garden and over the fence (never gonna happen).

However, all of that is irrelevant.

Put two big empty boxes on the back seat. Sorry no room. 😉