AIBU regarding PE teacher, DD and her period?

[Tink2007]

My DD is nearly 13. She’s been having periods for 8/9 months. She came on yesterday. She said it was quite heavy and she didn’t feel comfortable doing PE today as she was worried about leaks and it being so heavy just left her feeling uncomfortable.

She’s never missed a PE lesson, she has done PE whilst on her period but it has always coincided with the end so has always been lighter. I said it was fine and I would jot a note in her student diary (as required) especially seeing as it was the first time she has come to me and said “‘Mum, I don’t feel comfortable with this today.”

So imagine my surprise when she came home from school and told me how PE went today. Her actual PE teacher was fine with her not doing PE but said the final decision was with the head of PE.

Now given she didn’t have her PE kit, she had a note and expressed her discomfort with doing PE I wa surprised that the head of PE tried all manner of ways to make her do PE, telling her a period couldn’t be “that bad”, she wouldn’t accept it as a reason again. Then said if she had a spare PE kit she would have made her do it, asked the other PE teacher to make her do it in her school uniform (which the other teacher refused to do) and pulled her by the arm to a standing position to bat a shuttlecock back and forth towards the end of the lesson. She simply couldn’t accept she wasn’t doing it this lesson.

AIBU reasonable for being annoyed? In an age where we are supposed to be empowering young women to have their voices heard, be confident in what they feel comfortable and uncomfortable with and voicing that but yet this teacher seems happy to ignore it and physically pull my DD to her feet.

I should add I do know the teacher in question - she was my PE teacher 22 years ago and it does sound just like her to be honest.

the two examples you cited - of having no access to the locker rooms during the lesson and of no pockets in the shorts. There is no good reason they can't modify either the PE uniform or the rules on the PE uniform to ensure girls can have pockets.

This.
Why not have dark coloured tracksuit buttons as part of the PE uniform? Shorts with tracky bottoms over the top offer a lot more in the way of dignity.

It starts with this - with teachers deciding they know better than the girl herself and her mother whether she should be doing PE that day, and continues with things like childbirth - "it can't be that bad", "have you tried paracetamol"

FFS - yes, it can be that bad. Why don't even other women believe other women when they say things about their own bodies?

And yes, some parents will write notes at the drop of a hat, some girls will lie to get out of PE - it all comes down to expectations in my opinion, and I should be able to expect people to listen to me, and respect a note I send for my children, or talk to me about it, rather than ride rough-shod over both of us.

The joy of the menopause is It's equally as bad as the last 3 decades but I can choose not to partake with physical exercise and if its particularly horrific call in sick

I have periods heavy enough that there are times I have trouble standing. Last week I was just trying to make my dd toast and was doubled over sobbing. (Yes, I have seen doctors.) There is no chance I could exercise. Frankly, I think the schools need to respect girl’s autonomy and allow them to sit out of pe if needed. Part of me says it is ok to require a parental note, but there are girls with inconsiderate fathers who would not appreciate the true pain that can be involved in forcing activity at certain times.

It's perfectly possible (and not at all uncommon) to have a period that is normal for the first year or two and then have it change. I have seen it in my dd who had totally regular and normal periods for the first 2 years and then they morphed into the periods from hell forcing her to she miss days of school. We have been through gp and 3 specialists and 7 birth control pills and 2 years later are just beginning to get a handle on it. She still stays home on her heaviest day or two.
partinor you've pointed out how perfect and able to deal with anything you are on many many threads. Do you think that it might just be possible that not everyone is as indefatigable as you?

The only other real option is for girls to miss the entire day of school.

Quite bloody unreal. Can't believe some of the posts on here. YANBU OP. No way I'd be standing for that.

Tennis players win Wimbledon on their period. It sets a bad example. She should do pe.

Possibly they do, but mostly I bet they use hormonal birth control to arrange that they do not have periods during major tournaments.

Who exactly is the OP's daughter supposed to be setting an example to?

I've been on MN for my more years than I care to think about and I truly don't remember there being such utter dick heads as there are now. Maybe there were and I just missed them? A couple of these answers are really depressing.

OP YANBU at all.

The thing about posts like this is that it reinforces to those so disposed that us poor girls and women need special treatment and let of any physical activity every three weeks .... but of course we ask to be treated equal to men on all other counts.

Sorry but we cant be equal on one hand and then expect special dispensation on the other.

As mum's we should prepare our daughters to cope unless they have medically unusual amount of flow or pain. "Uncomfortable " will not cut it when she is old enough to go to work. Yes we all have days we don't want to do stuff when we feel yuk but need to suck up and get on with it...or has that ethos of get on with it changed ?

Not relevant to OP but generally .. .. We usually have regular periods, we should be prepared to carry the relevant san pro, spare undies and analgesia etc to cope for our worst case scenario and avoid these often cited cases of humiliating leakage.

sofia No I have not said I deal perfectly with everything. Lots of things are a struggle. But yes I do try and get on with it. Including my disability. In fact it is having had so many shit things happen to me that puts other stuff in perspective.

I understand the rule , it's to stop the chancers, and they can't be seen to be treating some girls differently, I also understand the fear of leaking in PE. I was made to do swimming at school on my period before I used tampons swimming teacher said the water 'turns off the flow' , it doesn't, it really doesn't. DM never really understood as she's always had very light periods. I have found as an adult though that exercise genuinely does help with symptoms and I get really bad cramps, heavy for and have hormonal problems which contribute. Could you get her some period pants for PE days? They should help her feel more comfortable and confident

To be honest I think if your daughter is suffering that much maybe she shouldn't be at school? I do agree that schools should be encouraging girls to do sport whether they are on their period or not. Helping her to know how to cope with her period during the day and when to change etc is all part of growing up. You don't get to opt out of life when you're at work etc. Yes accidents happen, maybe she can ask to wear sports trousers or something for future? It isn't insurmountable and I think exercise actually helps with symptoms, energy and mood so well worth it! I think the whole - blame the school attitude is wrong personally. Kids need to exercise as much as they possibly can at school.

Sorry but we cant be equal on one hand and then expect special dispensation on the other.

Men don't get periods though **. Until they do and women at that point request "special" treatment then your argument might hold some weight; as it's stands it's pointless and irrelevant as men and women are not starting from an equal platform with regards to bodily functions in the first place. Do you understand? probably not

Tazzie, but the fact that men cannot have periods means that you're arguing for equality in something that doesn't happen to men?!?

And pretty sure boys would get a note from their mums to get out of PE if they did

And stand a better chance of having their pain/discomfort listened to than girls/women do

YY to pp who asked why don't women even believe other women's experiences!

My comment is on the basis you said she was uncomfortable, if she is in bad pain etc that can't be managed with normal pain killers or had heavy flow that makes her feel drained/weak/anaemic,, she neds to see a doctor who will write her a note and help her get some relief. DM made me struggle on until at fifteen I went to the Dr alone and was diagnosed with the issues I still have, and got treatment which helped.

@Anoukspirit I think you're spot on. I think it's a really tough call for teachers, as if other girls latch on to this, the pe teacher could be facing a lot of girls trying to be excused from class. Plus, it's the first time for your daughter but it may not be the last. I agree with the suggestion of asking the doctors advice.

YANBU! I’m sick of the attitude that suggests we should just get on with things as normal during a heavy or painful period, sometimes it’s just not possible.

Equality and avoiding discrimination doesn't mean absolute equal treatment ffs. It's about opportunity and respect for diversity. I don't need the same adjustments to my desk as a disabled colleague any more than my colleague Richard needs a sanitary disposal unit in his toilet cubicle.

To be honest I think if your daughter is suffering that much maybe she shouldn't be at school?

Why should a girl lose out on other lessons that she is able to attend because she isn't able to do PE? Would you say somebody who couldn't participate in PE because of a broken arm shouldn't be in school at all? I doubt it. Girls in the 3rd world are missing education due to periods, surprised to see it advocated on MN.

I used to absolutely dread PE when I was 13/14 as my periods were so heavy. I had no pain, but I lived in fear of leaking into my white PE shorts. Games was the worst as it was a double period and on my heaviest days I was getting through a tampon every hour.

I have complete sympathy for your daughter - YANBU

I do think YABU sorry. I am going through peri menopause and have periods sometimes that are just like a tap turning on. I still play sport, work, etc. Girls do need to learn how to deal with everyday life including when they have their periods

You know every woman is different right? There are things called sick days and drugs that 12 year olds should not be taking but adults can, there is experience and knowledge that comes with that experience.
I too am going through the god awful menopause and it's shit. The pain I am in some days I want to just cry. The periods are something else. But I am heading to 50, this is a 12 year old.
They can take it easy one day, it's not like OP said they are about to try out for the Olympics team. One day not doing pe will not a fat slob make. However forcing the issue will mean she has whole days off and never wants to play badminton again.

I still rember being told I had to do it, and it was our trampolining block. The bouncing and seat drops and swivel hips made it even worse and I had huge gushing. Blood all down my legs whilst trying to stop bouncing so I could get off, and obviously there were like, 12 kids around the trampoline as "catchers" so they saw everything. The rest of the class stopped to look when they heard the boys making ooooh noises. I've never been more embarrassed.

I did get a proper apology from the PE teacher though, she didn't believe me when I told her it was heavy and she was very ashamed of herself for forcing me into that position.

Most of the time, girls can do everything and we do. So when we say that actually, today we can't, they should listen.

YANBU

Phone up and complain.

DH and I were discussing the whole trans thing the other day and I said to him that men who become women and thus never experience periods could not ever comprehend the terrible day when as a girl of 10/11/12 you start your periods and realise that this is going to happen every month for all the fun years of your life. For some, it can be hell. I wasn't too bad in my teens or twenties but approaching peri I started to have the most dreadful heavy periods. It was a struggle to get from my car to the office in the morning (about 200 yards) without flooding and worrying whether anyone would notice. Transexamic acid sorted it out but obviously not suitable for a young girl. OP I feel sorry for your daughter - the school were being over-bearing.