AIBU regarding PE teacher, DD and her period?

[Tink2007]

My DD is nearly 13. She’s been having periods for 8/9 months. She came on yesterday. She said it was quite heavy and she didn’t feel comfortable doing PE today as she was worried about leaks and it being so heavy just left her feeling uncomfortable.

She’s never missed a PE lesson, she has done PE whilst on her period but it has always coincided with the end so has always been lighter. I said it was fine and I would jot a note in her student diary (as required) especially seeing as it was the first time she has come to me and said “‘Mum, I don’t feel comfortable with this today.”

So imagine my surprise when she came home from school and told me how PE went today. Her actual PE teacher was fine with her not doing PE but said the final decision was with the head of PE.

Now given she didn’t have her PE kit, she had a note and expressed her discomfort with doing PE I wa surprised that the head of PE tried all manner of ways to make her do PE, telling her a period couldn’t be “that bad”, she wouldn’t accept it as a reason again. Then said if she had a spare PE kit she would have made her do it, asked the other PE teacher to make her do it in her school uniform (which the other teacher refused to do) and pulled her by the arm to a standing position to bat a shuttlecock back and forth towards the end of the lesson. She simply couldn’t accept she wasn’t doing it this lesson.

AIBU reasonable for being annoyed? In an age where we are supposed to be empowering young women to have their voices heard, be confident in what they feel comfortable and uncomfortable with and voicing that but yet this teacher seems happy to ignore it and physically pull my DD to her feet.

I should add I do know the teacher in question - she was my PE teacher 22 years ago and it does sound just like her to be honest.

Those lies mean that now no one is believed
Then things have to change, if the lies have been going on since pre 70s from girls in pe, then it's not working. Change the system.

If drs aren't listening or taking it seriously then that is where we should be pushing for change. Not accepting that drs won't do anything so telling women to stay home instead. How in earth is that
misogynistic

Things are changing but ever so slowly. I know the last time I saw a male Dr he actually believed me more or less. He did seem to want to tell me my problem was to do with anxiety but He did actually listen when I told him no.

My sporty dd hates pe. She hates the 3 minutes to get changed in tiny manky old change rooms where no one showers. Getting back into school clothes whilst sweaty. She hates hiding her body in the communal change. She hates doing stuff like rugby. Luckily she doesn't have to wear the tiny skirt and pants I had to wear.

If a kid doesn't want to do pe in school in these circumstances because of her period- let her off. Periods are sore and unmanageable for some of us. I'm sure this won't make her lose the Olympic gold or prevent her from being a high powered very important woman.

Girlofgold

But surely if all of the girls who hate PE see an opportunity to not do it, and no one challenges them, you'll end up with barely anyone doing it and everyone sitting on the side lines.

If it was only 1 or 2 girls every so often I guess the schools would have a more sympathetic view but it does seem to be a bit of a par for the course. My dds friends used to openly talk about how they were doing this, but they were getting their mums to back them up by writing notes, knowing full well what they were up to. My dd hated me because I refused to do it.

My mother refused to do notes for me, it led to me just skipping school every pe day, then further to skipping double maths day, double history day. Eventually I only went in on a Friday afternoon for religious ed. Not because religion was ever discussed, but the teacher was nice and talked about anything.
The only difference is that then I wasn't missed cos no one gave a shit, now I would be missed cos the schools get bollocked for losing children.

Girls do lie about periods to get out of stuff. I had friends that did it. I said I couldn't have pe on the field due to hay-fever.

They then started a group in pe for people that didn't like pe or wern't very spoety. We did stuff like work out in the gym, table tennis and trampolines. It defiantly stopped people skiving and trying to get out of pe.

Weetabix.

I'm thinking that if 30% of kids are on their period at any given time and say half of them want the lesson off, then in a humane society they should be let off. That would be max 5 kids? Teachers have registers. Discussions could be had about what the struggles are if they are off a lot. To me, there's something about forcing kids to do something with their bodies when they feel shit, that feels wrong.

All girls pe classes are a great place to have period discussions. Should be part of the curriculum. It could be a force for societal change if we all recognised when we are bleeding.

Forcing kids to do PE against their will is just delaying the problem. Because soon these kids will have finished compulsory school and nobody will be forcing them to do exercise--the choice will be theirs. If they come away from school PE with a hatred of exercise, they will probably choose not to.

When a school complains that "There are all these girls who lie to get out of PE" what they are actually admitting is "We have failed at teaching PE." The main objective is to get kids prepared for keeping fit for life. It seems like this is not happening in a lot of school PE.

I'm thinking that if 30% of kids are on their period at any given time and say half of them want the lesson off, then in a humane society they should be let off. That would be max 5 kids?
Where are those figures from?

You're not even factoring in the ones claiming to have 10 day periods that happen every 2 weeks or similar.

Those figures are from the top of my hungover head. 😄. No pe for me today please miss.

kokeshi What about those who never find any form of exercise they really enjoy? I play sport, a sport that is okay. I don't hate it, but I don't enjoy it. And although I have tried many many forms of exercise, only enjoy any of them while they are a novelty. But I still need to exercise.
I do agree generally with what you say, but I do think it rests on the assumption that everyone can enjoy exercise. And I don't think that is always true.

Why are PE teachers often such self-important arseholes? I had this conversation with a friend who is a junior sports coach, so not a generalised sport-hater.

One of the major reasons that so few teen girls in this country do enough exercise is that they associate it with the shite they're forced to put up with in school PE lessons.

An adult sportswoman who's having trouble with her periods that month can opt to take it a bit easy, can often go to the loo if needed and can adjust what she wears for more coverage and "security". Schoolgirls often don't have this option. It's the same with being forced to exercise outside in cold weather - adults who train outdoors layer up their clothes as much as needed and warm up properly. Kids in PE lessons are subjected to any number of weird rules about what they can wear and there's never enough time to warm up.

Examples of weird rules: at DD's old school, you did PE in shorts/skirt OR school-mandated jogging bottoms. You were allowed a sweatshirt but once you'd taken it off you couldn't put it back on again because that wastes time apparently, even if it's suddenly gone windy. No leggings, zip-up tops, raincoats, gilets, leg warmers or any of the other things adults doing outdoor sport use to keep warm and keep going.

I think that pretty much sums it up TheSmallClanger. The usual petty rules of school sting much more in PE lessons when they cause real discomfort and sometimes fear and stress and that’s why kids try to avoid them. I joined the army a few years after I left school; as an aside lots more acceptance of period related issues there, certainly when I joined as they want you to be efficient. They didn’t seem to assume we were all lying either and you’d quickly be referred to a medical officer if you were struggling, but anyway to get to the point; physical training and fitness was obviously a huge part of being in the army and I was terrified of what it would entail before I joined. However, decent, warm issued training kit - Ron Hill running tights, fleece lined running tops and sweatshirts etc - made all the difference and they taught us how to exercise effectively, and more senior soldiers advised on decent equipment and clothing and far sooner than you might think PE became something fun and to be enjoyed rather than endured. Lots of RULES in the army but almost all of them for good, understandable reasons.

Sorry to derail but is PE compulsory to year 11 these days?

nottakingthisanymore

It is compulsory but there are no rules, on guidelines, on what this should look like.

Weetabixandshreddies says;
And I'm disgusted that other women lie about something and by doing so make other women look bad.

Women who lie don't make anyone else look bad, only themselves.
They don't cause anyone to disbelieve the majority who are telling the truth.

You're not even factoring in the ones claiming to have 10 day periods that happen every 2 weeks or similar.
Its perfectly normal for girls to have irregular periods, its your choice to think they are lying.

Its also normal for some girls to not want to get undressed in public. Count yourself lucky that you have never had to deal with anything nasty, like trying to hide bruises, or being abused or bullied.
Or just wanting some privacy to deal with your feelings around puberty.

Women who lie don't make anyone else look bad, only themselves.
They don't cause anyone to disbelieve the majority who are telling the truth.
Well, yes they do because everyone gets tarred with the same brush.

Its also normal for some girls to not want to get undressed in public. Count yourself lucky that you have never had to deal with anything nasty, like trying to hide bruises, or being abused or bullied.
Or just wanting some privacy to deal with your feelings around puberty.

How the hell do you know what has or hasn't happened to me in my life or what I've experienced?

Well, yes they do because everyone gets tarred with the same brush

This is evidently not true. In all my many jobs in all my adult years not one person man or woman has told me I am lying about my period. Not one job has made me wait to use a toilet, not one job clocked my time going to the toilet, no one said I was taking the piss when I mentioned the pain or the flooding or the migraine or the cost of San pro.
No one has told me that because a few girls possibly lied at school about their period that I too must be lying.

And I'm disgusted that other women lie about something and by doing so make other women look bad.

We're talking about school girls. The actions of school girls don't make women look bad. Nothing other women and girls do make women as a class look bad.

Just been reading through and as much as the head of PE has annoyed me I have to say she did not believe my DD to be lying about her period but her opinion was that having a period was not a valid reason to not do PE.

We're talking about school girls. The actions of school girls don't make women look bad. Nothing other women and girls do make women as a class look bad.

Well then we disagree.

Well, yes they do because everyone gets tarred with the same brush

In many situations people get tarred with the same brush but this doesn't make it right. It's up to society to stop doing this and look at individual cases.

A period is absolutely a reason not to partake in sport.

The year head is an ill informed dick.

OP YANBU but I think you know that by now

I agree it is not a race to the bottom and it's a shame period problems are not taken seriously by doctors or women who have easy periods (8 years to diagnose endometriosis for me, and only then because I emigrated. The delay means I have permanent damage and am on daily opiates, NSAIDS and pregabalin as a result. But I was exaggerating all those years, right?).

@marycodie what is melanformic acid? I am curious to know about this wonder drug! I have only tried mefenamic acid and tranexamic acid which did nothing for me. Now on long-term gnrh drugs thank goodness!

Read some of this. Personally I would go mad if this happened to my daughter. I would meet with the head teacher about it. Completely unacceptable. Esp grabbing her arm too. Given you,as her mother, were happy for her to miss pe they should have respected that decision. Some people go have bad periods. 13 is hard enough at times without being humiliated.

If half the class were sitting out PE lessons then maybe teachers would have to adjust what and how they're teaching. The current use of force no-excuse-accepted just covers up the broad failure of the curriculum.

Surely the goal of PE is to help students gain physical skills and learn how to take care of themselves for long-term health. That clearly isn't happening - so change it. It's not that hard. For those saying zumba training is expensive - really? There are hundreds of beginner classes on YouTube for free. Our primary school uses Just Dance as part of their PE curriculum - for free. There are subscriptions to online gyms that cost very little, with many different classes available. Showing my age here but the one class that no one sat out of in high school PE was when one of the teachers brought her Tae Bo videos in - so much fun!

Unfortunately most classes were not like that. I'm not particularly sporty or very coordinated so being made to do activities with zero training, skill improvement or tailored plan was a routine exercise in failure and humiliation. I dropped PE as soon as I could. I found out much later on that the senior elective PE classes were more personal-training focused, with choice in skills to concentrate on, and a component of individual health and muscular-skeletal education which I think I would have thrived in.

It's quite sad really, to think my experience with PE could have been quite different if the approach had been different. Being yelled at for being slow in the beep test didn't help me run faster, it helped me quit. I think unfortunately that's the story for many people.

So let's change it - look at why girls are making excuses, and respect when they say they can't (because no, not all cramps are helped by physical activity, and flooding in front of your peers is horrible). Want to weed out the fakers? Again, not hard - do what my school did which was to make them do schoolwork/write lines/take the score by themselves (we had to copy out the school rules - very boring). We didn't have many skivers because it was just not fun to sit out. Forcing girls to do physical activity that makes them feel sick, faint, flood, or makes their pain worse is not OK.

I'm not one to think women should be held back by their periods, but the fact is they do happen, some are incredibly rough and some support and compassion wouldn't be remiss. It certainly won't bring about the apocalypse. What it might just do is help girls to enjoy and pursue physical activity in the long-term which is a win for everyone.