AIBU regarding PE teacher, DD and her period?

[Tink2007]

My DD is nearly 13. She’s been having periods for 8/9 months. She came on yesterday. She said it was quite heavy and she didn’t feel comfortable doing PE today as she was worried about leaks and it being so heavy just left her feeling uncomfortable.

She’s never missed a PE lesson, she has done PE whilst on her period but it has always coincided with the end so has always been lighter. I said it was fine and I would jot a note in her student diary (as required) especially seeing as it was the first time she has come to me and said “‘Mum, I don’t feel comfortable with this today.”

So imagine my surprise when she came home from school and told me how PE went today. Her actual PE teacher was fine with her not doing PE but said the final decision was with the head of PE.

Now given she didn’t have her PE kit, she had a note and expressed her discomfort with doing PE I wa surprised that the head of PE tried all manner of ways to make her do PE, telling her a period couldn’t be “that bad”, she wouldn’t accept it as a reason again. Then said if she had a spare PE kit she would have made her do it, asked the other PE teacher to make her do it in her school uniform (which the other teacher refused to do) and pulled her by the arm to a standing position to bat a shuttlecock back and forth towards the end of the lesson. She simply couldn’t accept she wasn’t doing it this lesson.

AIBU reasonable for being annoyed? In an age where we are supposed to be empowering young women to have their voices heard, be confident in what they feel comfortable and uncomfortable with and voicing that but yet this teacher seems happy to ignore it and physically pull my DD to her feet.

I should add I do know the teacher in question - she was my PE teacher 22 years ago and it does sound just like her to be honest.

As PP said, well enough for school, well enough for PE

Not necessarily. There is a difference between sitting still in lessons and wearing PE kit, running around, struggling with cramps.

I'd be angry that they tried to override my instructions as a parent, when you'd written a note.

ilovesooty

Thanks - I haven’t got time for trolls and this is in no way a witch hunt to get her teacher the sack 😫 More to get others perspectives on it and see if I’m being reasonable to just have a quick conversation with her teacher about the period issue and also to check how the situation of her pulling her up occurred.

Have a conversation with the teacher. I don’t think parents should override school, though. Maybe get doctors note if it’s that bad.

Sounds like a nasty thing to do to a girl who always usually participates and enjoys PE.

YANBU and I'm sick of hearing about girls being treated like this. I still vividly remember a friend of mine leaking all over her white PE shorts and being crowed at by the boys. It was awful and we all feared it. It's even worse for girls now where many schools are locking toilets between lessons and introducing mixed sex sink areas etc. Horrific.

The thing is, as long as there are schools doggedly sticking to this sort of unfair and discriminatory policy, there will be mindless headbangers saying "but those are the RULES, why should your dc be different". So we have to keep engaging with schools, politely but persistently, until those aren't the RULES any more.

I do think YABU sorry. I am going through peri menopause and have periods sometimes that are just like a tap turning on. I still play sport, work, etc. Girls do need to learn how to deal with everyday life including when they have their periods.

Some PE teachers are arseholes so I’m not surprised head of PE was one. I think you need to contact Head and tell them that when you send a letter in excusing your daughter from PE, you expect them to accept it.

They’re in school not the army FFS.

Spot on Greensleeves.

I remember when I first started my periods aged 12, they were so much worse back then than they are now, the period pains were awful and it was really heavy. I remember I had to have a couple of days off school one month it was that bad so I can sympathise with your daughter. The PE teacher was out of order. In future I'd just write something else in the note. I'd probably also like a word with the staff member in question too.

The person who mentioned professional athletes, I'm pretty sure tennis players and other professional sportswomen would take the pill to avoid being on their period during a major competition. I ran a marathon, guess what? I made sure I wasn't having a period that day as it would have been uncomfortable and not particularly practical.

They will be worried about all female pupils missing one out of every four lessons. How do they tell the genuine from the fakers?
For mild period pains exercise (and orgasms!)) can be very effective.

YANBU. I hate PE teachers. In my miserable school experience they were all little Hitlers.

"well enough for school, well enough for PE"

What about if you have a broken leg?

I hate that attitude, and it's not true. Being well enough to sit at a desk doesn't mean you're well enough to play tennis or do a cross country run, and it's ridiculous to think they're the same.

YADNBU and I'll also say I'm sick of hearing of girls being treated like this / not being allowed to go to the bathroom during lessons when they're worried about leaking etc etc. To the people saying 'if you're well enough for school you're well enough for PE' that's just stupid - other lessons don't involve running around, and if girls end up missing a whole day of lessons rather than just PE as a result then young girls really will be missing out due to periods. Personally as a grown up I don't have any issues exercising when on my period but a) the pill tends to make flow lighter b) young girls are less likely to use tampons and so more likely to be concerned about leaks and frankly as a teenager before I went on the pill I used to get hideous cramps - I'm so grateful this is no longer an issue for me and I know many women still have to endure very heavy and painful periods but I think we would do well to remember just how uncomfortable it could be when we were younger. At least also as a grown up I am empowered to go to the bathroom whenever the hell I want to and do or not do sport as I choose, and my heart really goes out to young women and girls who seem to be subject to pretty harsh school rules on this front and no autonomy.

YANBU

The Head of PE over ruled your note informing the school your DD is unfit and too uncomfortable to do PE. It was a genuine reason and a one off.

Sounds like bullying tactics to me from the Head of PE. As long as you are confident your DD hasnt exaggerated in any way and you have a true account of the events of the day, I would be making an appointment with the school to discuss this further.

@Tink2007 I don't think yabu.

When young women are just getting to grips with periods, how flow and duration can differ from one month to the next etc I think we could show compassion while still working out which girls are swinging the lead. I think I had a whole summer of periods (with a note from my mum) once because the school pool was absolutely disgusting.

As an adult I know the days where I exert myself more, especially at the start of my period, I tend to have a much more gushing period than if I didn't so as much.

So given your dd is not normally a PE flake, and she had asked you to write a note, the teacher/PE head could have out two and two together and come up with the correct answer.

However I suspect that now we are a term in, there are many in her class who try to get out of PE on a very regular basis and she has just got caught up in the middle of a crack down.

Next time send her with a tubigrip for her wrist or somesuch. They might be less intolerant of the reason for missing pe.

I can see that this must cause issues for schools and absolutely believe that some girls would use periods as an excuse in the most trivial of circumstances.

But it is not OK that a teen girl is made to feel uncomfortable when her mother has written a note.

It's OK for girls to say no and they should be supported in managing their periods.

The natural consequences are that some girls with awful periods will miss school. Great outcome.

YANBU those who have never experienced true "heavy" periods or awful cramps have no idea what it's like.

I couldn't do any exercise for the first 5 days of my 7/8 day long periods because I used to flood morning noon and night with just sitting around and walking!

I'm a grown woman and came on as soon as I got to work today. I am at a PC all day, so not even moving, yet was in so much discomfort and pain I genuinely could have cried. My lower back hurt and I struggled sitting comfortably all day, my breasts were tender and my legs and pelvis area sore.

Everyone is different. If someone tried to make me do anything physical today I may have wept. Absolutely no-ones shout but your DC on how she was feeling. I would be marching to the school if it were me.

Except some parents will write a note for their kids at a drop of a hat.

I would not have written her a note by the way. A quite heavy period does not justify it.

Yanbu

As youve said repeatedly she does do pe while on her period

My first day is heavy and clotty and flowy and unpleasant and there is no way id go to the gym that day

Days 2-7...no problem at all

I'm really torn on this. When I was at school having your period was absolutely not accepted as a reason for not doing PE, even for swimming. Mind you, in all my years at school, no one ever admitted to even having periods, so they would never have asked to sit out PE because of it because that would have been admitting that you actually had periods.

But on the other hand, if you as the parent sent a note in and the teacher disagreed with it, I think she should be taking it up with you, not your daughter.

You know what, if they're so desperate for girls to do PE on their periods regardless, then they need to take some responsibility for removing the barriers to that happening.

For instance, the two examples you cited - of having no access to the locker rooms during the lesson and of no pockets in the shorts. There is no good reason they can't modify either the PE uniform or the rules on the PE uniform to ensure girls can have pockets.

I would have a calm conversation, and I'd ask what changes they planned to make to enable your daughter to participate in future since she is normally such a keen participant. And have suggestions ready.

Part of the purpose of PE should be to encourage children to grow up with a healthy relationship with sport and activity. Making it some kind of hideous punishment is counter productive.

I'm so sick of schools taking this bullshit attitude that girls just have to deal with periods without any adaptations whatsoever. That's not how workplaces function (if they pulled this kind of crap they'd face action for sex discrimination) - and by the time we're in the workplace we've had years to get to grips with periods. It's just cruel to expect teenage girls who are still getting used to periods to deal with more harsh conditions than the adults imposing those rules.

The school needs to take some responsibility for its role in this.