AIBU regarding PE teacher, DD and her period?

[Tink2007]

My DD is nearly 13. She’s been having periods for 8/9 months. She came on yesterday. She said it was quite heavy and she didn’t feel comfortable doing PE today as she was worried about leaks and it being so heavy just left her feeling uncomfortable.

She’s never missed a PE lesson, she has done PE whilst on her period but it has always coincided with the end so has always been lighter. I said it was fine and I would jot a note in her student diary (as required) especially seeing as it was the first time she has come to me and said “‘Mum, I don’t feel comfortable with this today.”

So imagine my surprise when she came home from school and told me how PE went today. Her actual PE teacher was fine with her not doing PE but said the final decision was with the head of PE.

Now given she didn’t have her PE kit, she had a note and expressed her discomfort with doing PE I wa surprised that the head of PE tried all manner of ways to make her do PE, telling her a period couldn’t be “that bad”, she wouldn’t accept it as a reason again. Then said if she had a spare PE kit she would have made her do it, asked the other PE teacher to make her do it in her school uniform (which the other teacher refused to do) and pulled her by the arm to a standing position to bat a shuttlecock back and forth towards the end of the lesson. She simply couldn’t accept she wasn’t doing it this lesson.

AIBU reasonable for being annoyed? In an age where we are supposed to be empowering young women to have their voices heard, be confident in what they feel comfortable and uncomfortable with and voicing that but yet this teacher seems happy to ignore it and physically pull my DD to her feet.

I should add I do know the teacher in question - she was my PE teacher 22 years ago and it does sound just like her to be honest.

You need to take this up with the head of the school. PE teachers especially are known for being particularly cruel and nasty(female ones more so) when I was at school and it seems nothing's changed 23 years later. The fact that she was pulled by the head of PE is bang out of order to me and I'm sure constitutes abuse.
The arguments they use about how the professionals aren't stopped by periods shows that for supposed professionals themselves they know nothing.
But the head of PE does need reprimanding on this.

maisy

Yep

Tink2007

I don't blame you for asking mumsnet to close the thread.

The vast majority of us think you were right to be annoyed with the school and I'm glad the school are looking into it. I hope your daughter is feeling better and that if it happens again the school deal with it properly.

I haven’t read the whole of the thread but most of it. I’m in the very fortunate position of being able to help encourage girls to like PE nationally. Only 40% of primary leaver girls feel comfortable doing PE. We all recognise the tragedy in that and the long term detrimental effects of not being physically active for both physical and mental health. One of the primary reasons girls cite is “embarrassment” so if a child feels uncomfortable, for whatever reason, we should look for a way to make them comfortable. I am also an “elite” athlete with very heavy periods and have at times been unable to follow my proper training schedule because of them. Where I would support the school encouraging activity is that movement can positively influence the negative stmptoms of menstruation and this is perhaps (though maybe communicated poorly) what the school intended with some more gentle exercise at the back of the room. Lots of work is being done to encourage girls to engage in physical activity and if heavy/painful periods are a time of concern for any of your children it might be worth looking at strategies at the beginning of each academic year when the teachers know the scheme of work. All sports can be modified in terms of participation to ensure girls feel comfortable and are still able to take part., which will help regulate the emotional consequences of hormonal change as well as improving the physical. OP it’s really nice to hear your daughter likes PE and I hope this hasn’t put her off.

@MaisyPops

I agree.
And even when some of us have had differing opinions about the threshold for doing PE, we've still broadly agreed that in the absence of a track record of taking the piss the OP's note should have stood

This 100%. The discussion moved away from the OP's situation to a more general discussion about how teenage girls and PE in school.

I meant to write: a discussion about teenage girls and PE.

Is part of empowering our daughters not showing them that the world doesn't stop for 5-7 days each month? PE is important, so is teaching kids to have a bit of grit, do things out of their comfort zones and that in life you can't always get a note from mum to get you out of things you don't want to do...

You are right. I didn’t need smite from mum to get out of work. I phoned in sick all by myself. I also chose not to go and play badminton on my period without my mums permission.

A note not smite! Auto correct!

rachmack and Tinkerbell1980 really good posts.

It is common sense that if you use a tampax and towel and change them before they get too full, you will not leak.

Clearly someone who has not experienced the delights of heavy flooding. Sometimes, a large gush of blood and clots of tissue will suddenly flood from your vagina. Sanitary protection does not always absorb the blood quickly enough and this causes it to leak out of your underwear in a matter of seconds.

Why are people unable to understand that their experience is not the bottom line and that other people's periods might be different??

God I hate these threads, all of the ‘rules are rules’ brigade wondering how on earth girls might cope if they are actually shown a bit of compassion.

Back in the dark ages when I was at school I had horrific periods and was told it wasn’t an excuse and I was forced to do pe, however bad it got. I had to learn to deal with it but it was excruciating. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy and I can’t believe that girls are still having these issues. Yanbu op, I would definitely go and have a word and make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Children don't use needing the toilet as an excuse to get out of class?

Really?

I must remind myself of that when I've encouraged individuals to return to their classes halfway across the site when I've found them hiding/smoking/cuddling their girlfriend (who also purely coincidentally needed the toilet at the same time) twenty minutes after they left their classrooms on Monday. Just like I do most days when the 'So and so hasn't returned to class' emails come up or I hear footsteps in an area where there are no classes being held at that time.

Mind you, staff aren't allowed to go to the toilet during lesson times (or when on duty) as it's a safeguarding breach to leave them unattended - and seen as unprofessional if somebody senior comes in and finds a TA or other staff member supervising. Bit of a nightmare if they have a full day of teaching and have been on duty before school, at break and at lunchtime. It's why most after school clubs start up to 15 minutes after the end of the school day - 5 mins to get to the staff toilets, 5 mins waiting your turn, 30 seconds trying to get whatever is needed done and 4mins 30 sprinting back to the club. If they aren't on gate duty/bus stop patrol, where they won't get time to go to the toilet until about 4pm.

Tinkerbell1980 She didn’t take 5-7 days off. She took an hour of the day off.

She is 12. She has had 9 periods. This has been the first one that has had a day so heavy.

I agree PE is important as does she which is why she has never missed a lesson 👍🏻

Is part of empowering our daughters not showing them that the world doesn't stop for 5-7 days each month? PE is important, so is teaching kids to have a bit of grit, do things out of their comfort zones and that in life you can't always get a note from mum to get you out of things you don't want to do...

No. Read the OP it's not 5-7 days a month it's one day a month and likely only for a year or so until periods hopefully calm down and she gets a handle on how to cope with them. Even elite athletes adapt their training schedule around the beginning of their periods if they have heavy flows. Forcing her to do PE when she's uncomfortable won't teach her to do anything but it will put her off exercise. People with extremely bad periods don't and can't just get on with it, they need adaptions made.

PE isn't actually that important - the only purpose is to encourage young people to start exercise habits they can take into their adult life (this can happen outside of school just as well). Lots of people don't exercise on the first day of their periods and maintain very healthy lifestyles.

You are right. I didn’t need smite from mum to get out of work. I phoned in sick all by myself. I also chose not to go and play badminton on my period without my mums permission.

But how on earth do you manage to hold down a job and maintain a normal adult life without playing badminton in shorts with no access to toilets, on the first day of your period? If you don't have enough grit to hold it in, the education system failed you.

I had this happen to me once before and the teacher didn't seem impressed with my excuse and it made me feel rubbish. Yes I'm sure a child COULD do PE whilst on their period if they really tried, but is it really THAT awful if a girl misses one lesson every now and then because she's very uncomfortable or in a lot of pain, or worried about leaking? What good does it do putting her through that? I think you were being perfectly reasonable, OP, and I'm sorry your DD had to go through this with the other teacher.

I didn’t take time off every time I had a period. But as a one off every now and then I had too. Just like op dd as a one off needed a break.

Thankfully I don’t have periods anymore. I had surgery to stop them they were that bad and had caused me to, on occasions, miss work.

Of course some children mess about when they go out to the loo and some just use it as an excuse to leave the room for a bit. When I was at school I had a sudden upset tummy and the teacher said I couldn't go to the loo. Tough. I went as I knew my parents would support me. My child would know the same if they had a real emergency (tummy or leakage) they can go to the toilet politely and I'll sort out any fall out.

But how on earth do you manage to hold down a job and maintain a normal adult life without playing badminton in shorts with no access to toilets, on the first day of your period? If you don't have enough grit to hold it in, the education system failed you.

This. I imagine the poster who wrote this is both unemployed and obese since there's a day a month she doesn't want to run around a sports hall in PE kit. How does she manage her life?

I remember a similar thing when I was that age. I was really heavy and had horrific cramps, which got worse in the cold. PE teacher insisted I play football on a very frosty day. Very sad when he got in trouble as I passed out and was heading into hypothermia. Unbeknown to me and my mum I had undiagnosed thyroid issues which meant no, I couldn’t do PE. My uterus contracts to expel the clots. Supposedly contractions are pretty painful. Until you’ve had a bad period you have no idea.

My eldest DD is following suit and like PP we just end up with her staying off if day 1-2 fall on a PE day. I don’t blame you, OP. You’d hope these archaic attitudes had changed. Being forced todo PE when you’re in agony or flooding isn’t fucking empowering, it’s ridiculous. Yes it’s natural, yes it happens to women but it is NOT the same for everyone. Empower my old ass, gutsache like that requires drugs and a hot water bottle.

A salient point wrt encouraging absence. Shit like this is, like it or not, going to discourage girls like OPs DD from coming into school full stop next time this happens.

YANBU! Of course not. How can anyone compare a 12-year-old with a professional tennis player ffs? She’s NOT a professional sportswoman. She’s not even a woman - she cannot use tampons at her age and she cannot use hormonal pills to delay her period. Some people are really off their heads.

Needanappp
I have been in the position where I couldn't even leave the bathroom without having to change the towel twice in a few minutes.
This girl should not have been treated this way.

I think the real issue is not the taking part in PE and the reason but more that you as her parent had clearly stated she was not to take part. The head of PE has then taken it upon themselves to override you and physically try to force your daughter to join in. Personally I would be making a formal complaint to the school